Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What time are you suppose to be there? Are you on time? Do people show up earlier and eat w/out you? If so, why, what's MIL's excuse? Bring extra food for your family, or don't go.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly what happens. We go when we are told to be there. Isn't that what most people do? Do most people's parents tell one group to be there after the others have eaten?

I am as stumped as all of you that we would be told a time later than others. And I do not think that is what happens, frankly.

One of the reasons why we don't go earlier than we are asked, is because 1.) that is the time given to us, and who would think it would be the wrong time??? Who does that???? 2.) DH really does not like his family all that much, and leaves at the last possible minute - BUT we still arrive AT the designated time. We are NOT later than Mil says to be. 3.) Do you really think she is giving others another time? Or do you think that they know there isn't enough food, so they get there early? Should I just come out and ask Mil this myself?

I am not clear if you are asking these questions to be helpful, or asking these questions to blame me for something I have nothing to do with. I can not change, or offer therapy to a family of 20 people who are acting this way, or at least allowing it to happen. That is not a reasonable request.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What time are you suppose to be there? Are you on time? Do people show up earlier and eat w/out you? If so, why, what's MIL's excuse? Bring extra food for your family, or don't go.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly what happens. We go when we are told to be there. Isn't that what most people do? Do most people's parents tell one group to be there after the others have eaten?

I am as stumped as all of you that we would be told a time later than others. And I do not think that is what happens, frankly.

One of the reasons why we don't go earlier than we are asked, is because 1.) that is the time given to us, and who would think it would be the wrong time??? Who does that???? 2.) DH really does not like his family all that much, and leaves at the last possible minute - BUT we still arrive AT the designated time. We are NOT later than Mil says to be. 3.) Do you really think she is giving others another time? Or do you think that they know there isn't enough food, so they get there early? Should I just come out and ask Mil this myself?

I am not clear if you are asking these questions to be helpful, or asking these questions to blame me for something I have nothing to do with. I can not change, or offer therapy to a family of 20 people who are acting this way, or at least allowing it to happen. That is not a reasonable request.


I see one of three things happening here:

1. Everyone is told to come at 5 and everyone manages to inhale all the food in the five minutes between when they arrive and you do. Obviously, that's not what's happening.

2. Other people are told to come earlier than you and they fully intend on eating without you. That's shitty and I don't know why you keep going.

3. Let's say she has 2 daughters and one son. She's closer with the daughters and they come over at 2 with their families to help cook dinner that allegedly will start at 5. After all that cooking and with everything smelling so good, at about 4:30, everyone is starving, so they just start eating. By the time you get there at 5, everything is gone. Also shitty, but without the ill intent. I still don't know why you keep going.

Yes, you should come out and ask MIL yourself. This is bizarre behavior and it shouldn't be allowed to continue. You say your husband is scared of his mother and that she's a bully, but you seem to have some issues sticking up for yourself, as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What time are you suppose to be there? Are you on time? Do people show up earlier and eat w/out you? If so, why, what's MIL's excuse? Bring extra food for your family, or don't go.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly what happens. We go when we are told to be there. Isn't that what most people do? Do most people's parents tell one group to be there after the others have eaten?

I am as stumped as all of you that we would be told a time later than others. And I do not think that is what happens, frankly.

One of the reasons why we don't go earlier than we are asked, is because 1.) that is the time given to us, and who would think it would be the wrong time??? Who does that???? 2.) DH really does not like his family all that much, and leaves at the last possible minute - BUT we still arrive AT the designated time. We are NOT later than Mil says to be. 3.) Do you really think she is giving others another time? Or do you think that they know there isn't enough food, so they get there early? Should I just come out and ask Mil this myself?

I am not clear if you are asking these questions to be helpful, or asking these questions to blame me for something I have nothing to do with. I can not change, or offer therapy to a family of 20 people who are acting this way, or at least allowing it to happen. That is not a reasonable request.

Anonymous wrote:Still haven't answered the question lol. There is definitely more to this story.

Also, just don't go. Why would you force your husband to experience this dynamic. That's pretty shitty.

Anonymous wrote:OK this is driving crazy now and I provided helpful advice! OP- please, please tell us why your MIL is serving other people before you arrive. Why are you waiting on her to call you that day and tell you when to come over?

Anonymous wrote:What time are you suppose to be there? Are you on time? Do people show up earlier and eat w/out you? If so, why, what's MIL's excuse? Bring extra food for your family, or don't go.

Anonymous wrote:why can't you answer the million dollar question?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you traveling? I know you mentioned taking food wasn't an option but I think my first choice would be to bring a nice meal for us, share with whomever. Honeybaked ham, a couple of sides and just reheat them when we arrived. Serve my family dinner and anyone who wants to join is welcome. It's bold but so is providing dinner for certain family members and not others. You could be honest and say it was because for the last X years we have arrived to no food and you want your children to enjoy a Christmas dinner or one of DH generous clients gifted this to us and we wanted to share.

Alternatively, I would choose a different time to visit. Either a different day or make reservations at a nice restaurant for dinner and arrive before or after.

What does your DH say? Has he spoken to his mother about this? Does your SIL or anyone else in the family say anything when you arrive to no food? I just can't imagine this.

OP again. Thank you for your kind suggestions - I like these the most. I think I will order a Honeybaked Ham. I didn't know they still had those! We are in the area. The day or two after Christmas, we go to other relatives (who are not opposed to feeding us - LOL!). My family is, shall we say, more warm and welcoming.

DH and his family have some issues. Not least of all, Mil (and I have noticed this with one or two siblings, also) pushes him around and he takes it. He is considering getting therapy, after all these years. He is most definitely afraid of her. I think, since you asked, that I am just too in shock (yes, every time) to think a parent would treat a child this way, never mind their grandchildren. Obviously, she sees them as an extension of him. Let's just say, I have learned a LOT about psychology (normal and not) with his family. The more successful he is, the more she enjoys it. WARPED.

But I digress. I like taking the meal to them - perfect! I probably did not consider this before, because we just did Thanksgiving for his family and a bunch more people, and it was a ton of work. Fun, but exhausting.