Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's something as simple as I knew you as Larla Charles. You married Larlo Smith. There was no public declaration of your feminist preferences, so when we sent you a wedding gift, we were swept up in the excitement of your nuptials and addressed your gift (amd updated our address book) to Mr. and Mrs. Larlo Smith, because technically, that is socially correct.

My point is, it probably is not malicious. And unless you have taken 30 seconds to politely correct someone, you don't get to complain.

Signed, A prideful wife who goes by Mrs. HisLastName

Tee hee! Thanks for a good laugh, you prideful wife you.

I always write "Jane and John Doe". I figure that even if you're not Jane Doe, I'm still correct?

I only write "Jane Smith and John Doe" on my unmarried, living together friends cards.

We are a two last name family and mostly get stuff address to us as the Smith/Johnsons. That's perfectly fine with me, and although kids have DH's last name that would address situations where kids had one of those two last names.

Everyone screws up sometimes, but I would be annoyed by family members who consistently got it wrong. Fortunately, none of the women in DH's family changed their names and so everyone has come up with a nickname for their family to refer to themselves collectively. So if it's Jane Steinfield and Joe Newberg, they are the Steinbergs.

Anonymous wrote:Every team needs a name. When you gt married you form a team. Pick a name for your team, make sure people know your team name then let it go.

Well my team name is "Smith-Jones and Jones" but no one seems to give a rats ass. If my name is Jennifer, don't take it upon yourself to call me Jenny. If my family name is Smith-Jones and Jones, don't take it upon yourself to call me Jones. Basic respect, people. Mistakes happen, but if you actually know their names, use them. What does her email name say? What do her return address labels say? Don't just make up a name for someone else.

Every team needs a name. When you gt married you form a team. Pick a name for your team, make sure people know your team name then let it go.

I didn't change my name either and don't really care how people address us, but it's usually The Husband's Name Family. I have family members where the wife didn't change her name but they have 3+ kids so writing all their first names isn't possible when addressing. I usually just say "Husband's Name Family" too. Wish there were a better alternative, but I think people know it's not any kind of judgment on whether they changed their names (since I didn't either)! Should be interesting to see how this evolves since fewer women are changing their names.

We have these issues in our house also. Except I changed my name a few years after we got married, when we were about to become parents. So we still get lots of mail with my maiden name - which really doesn't bother me.

But my husband goes nuts. It makes him crazy, but it's my freaking name so if I'm not upset why should he be?

I think it's all silly. There are so many more serious things to worry about. People don't have the time or bandwidth to keep everyone's last names straight - I don't take that as a personal affront. I correct gently or just don't worry about it.

Be glad your world is calm enough that this is what passes for a serious source of distress!

I could somehow live with mail being addressed to

"Myfirstname and Hisfirstname Hislastname"

esp. if an older person does that. What sends me through the roof is mail addressed to

Family Hisfirstname Hislastname

What's the rest of the family, chopped liver? The whole "head of the household" flavour is just too much for me to accept.

Not in the USA so I know that this "Family His Firstname His Lastname" is not an option there... just venting.

I'm always mindful of this, but can someone tell me if there is an easy way of addressing an envelope to a family with 3 different last names?

I.e
Husband Smith
Wife Doe
Child Johnson

Normally when addressing to a family with two names, I'd just put The Smith-Doe family. But with the child having a different last name I'm trying to figure out if there is an easier way than addressing each person separately.

It's just basic manner to ask. As in my culture there are several possibilities, I simply ask people their preference and write it down.

Anonymous wrote:I find the changed names jarring, as I didn't change mine. It's so hard when you're trying to find a friend, say Suzie Smith, and someone says, "Oh, you mean Suzie Jones." Then when people get divorced, and someone takes a whole new name, its really confusing, but whatever it is, it's their choice. I respect that. People should respect yours.

FWIW, it cuts both ways in our house: I'm a Tyrel and I married a Stark, and sometimes I am Lady Tyrel, others I am Lady Stark, and sometimes my husband is Lord Tyrel. He gets called my name more than I get his!

The bolded. How hard is it to make a note in one's address book? Calling someone something they don't want to be called is bad manners.

It bugs me when it's people who should know better, less so when it's more casual acquaintances. I know what last names my friends use, and it's no more difficult to write John Jones & Mary Smith or The Smith-Jones Family than it is to (incorrectly) write Mr. & Mrs. Jones. If I don't know you well enough to know what name you prefer to use, then I don't know you well enough to be sending you a Christmas card.

The fundamental rule of etiquette about names is that you call people what they wish to be called.

I find the changed names jarring, as I didn't change mine. It's so hard when you're trying to find a friend, say Suzie Smith, and someone says, "Oh, you mean Suzie Jones." Then when people get divorced, and someone takes a whole new name, its really confusing, but whatever it is, it's their choice. I respect that. People should respect yours.

FWIW, it cuts both ways in our house: I'm a Tyrel and I married a Stark, and sometimes I am Lady Tyrel, others I am Lady Stark, and sometimes my husband is Lord Tyrel. He gets called my name more than I get his!

Drives me crazy too. Before kids, most family was good about just putting both of our names. Now that we have kids it has been completely forgotten that I don't share their name. I know I can't say anything, but especially when it's his family it feels like a slap in the face, as if I don't matter anymore.

If I know that the married couple has different last names but don't know how they want to be referred to, I omit the last name altogether. So, John Smith and Jane Doe would just be John and Jane. Works for the kids too because sometimes I don't know what last name they decided to use for the kids. And then I hope they don't get mad! This happens when I have become confused over the years because different names were used or discussions had about last name that were odd/unclear. I don't want to bug people by emailing/texting/calling to ask how they prefer their cards addressed. Hopefully, they will appreciate the cards without the last name.

This, however, may be the coward's way out!