Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 07:59     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I wanted to get some advice about what to say to my BIL and SIL who my DH and I recently found out were expecting.

Here is a little back story....

DH and I have been trying to conceive for a little over 2 years and are in the process of our 4th IUI. BIL and SIL know our struggles and were really concerned and sweet during our whole process. They would ask how we were and check in often. During different discussions, I had told SIL how I had a friend who announced her pregnancy in the middle of a party when she knew we were struggling snd how much it broke my heart to have to put on a brave face during the party when I was so shocked and hurt (and of course jealous that I wasn't right there with her, pregnant also). I had mentioned how I wish she could have sent me a quick email or told me in private so I could react in my own way prior to the public announcement. I don't do too well with surprises and I feel slightly anxious when I am crying, or feel like I'm going to break down and cry in public. So BIL and SIL told us about 2 months ago that they "pulled the goalie" and would begin trying. Earlier this week, we went to dinner with them, and they respected my wishes and told us in private, which I really appreciated. It still hurt to hear, but I was so grateful I was able to cry on the way home and get out my sadness for myself in this situation. They of course had no problem getting pregnant, which also hurts, but I really am so happy for their future bundle of joy and to be an aunt. I know I didn't react like a normal friend when they told us. I smiled and said congratulations, but was unable to ask too many details, for fear of bursting into tears and hurting their feelings, or making it awkward.

My question is, what do I do now? With Christmas coming up, I have picked out cute onesies that say "my uncle is the best" and "auntie loves me" to give to them on Christmas. I also want to give them a card to open in private that would say something to the effect of how happy we are for them, and how we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle. Also that we really appreciated how they told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for them, we just wish so badly that we were right there with them and could raise our children together. I also want them to know that I don't want them to tiptoe around the subject, but at the same time, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, I dont want them to be offended and think I'm being rude or simply jealous (of course I am jealous, but I would never want to take this away from them, or wish infertility on them because I know how it feels to try month after month)
Any advice on how to say this without making them feel like I'm angry, or being petty would be very helpful. Am I thinking too much into this? My BIL was the one who told us, and my SIL could barely look at me. That also broke my heart, because I'm sure she felt terrible telling us during this hard time that they are expexting, and I don't want our infertility to take away from their joy.

Thanks so much for your input


I would include the card, but leave off the later part about how much you wish you could raise your children together and to excuse you if you ever just need to leave the room due to being upset/jealous. I think that can be inferred from the card and since they seem to know what you're going through. The other information might make your SIL feel obligated to be extra mindful of you or to not talk to you about her pregnancy at all to spare you, even if that's not what you meant. The first half and sweet and heartfelt, but the additional information may come off as a passive aggressive request to not overinvolve you.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2014 06:21     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Yes, it's lovely to communicate, but it doesn't always work. Clearly, you have never been in a truly difficult situation. My best friend's child died of hydrocephaly. How the fuck am I supposed to communicate anout something this awful? STFU if you don't know what you're talking about.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:57     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I wouldn't do any of this. Get presents at the appropriate times (baby shower, birth of the baby). But don't do any of this other stuff. It seems over the top, and it might make her feel awkward.

I also would stop talking to them about the infertility. Just drop it as a topic of conversation with them. I would not pursue it.

Don't invite a pity party. If you end up not having children, you will regret always being painted as the poor, old childless aunt.

Be kind and celebrate with them, but I would back away from any discussion of the infertility struggles with them from this point onward. Trust me. It will go a long way in keeping the relationship neutral -- not one where it feels like one party has something the other desperately wants.



But here's the thing PP: someone DOES have something that the other party wants. That's actually the situation, and OP is trying to figure out how to negotiate it and at least being honest about how she feels.

The bolded is one of the things about DCUM that makes me both NUTS but also grateful for the people in my life. People are so freakin' COMMUNICATION-AVERSE!!! PP it's actually HEALTHY to have a relationship with ILs or family where you can discuss difficult things, be honest about what's hard and what's challenging, be honest about being happy for them, and they can want you to be happy so much too that they have trouble telling you happy news. It's hard, it's awkward, but at least they are TALKING about it.

The relationship and family board (and general parenting) are so so full of people who struggle to say anything about how they feel, or address even little stuff, never mind big hard awkward stuff. No wonder the world we live in is so crazy! People are afraid to communicate.

Sorry OP, this is clearly me venting, but the bolded in PPs post just triggered this. I don't get where PP is coming from at all, but OP I say to you in the midst of this challenging time, please be grateful that both you, your DH, and your ILs are the kinds of people who care about each other, want the best for each other, and actually talk to each other. THAT bodes far better for your future relationships than any advice about shutting up.


I'm the PP you are referring to.

I am not communication-averse. But there also must be balance. Sure, SIL has something OP wants, but it won't do either of them any good to keep emphasizing that point. It sounds like OP has communicated, has talked about it, and SIL has respected her. But there does come a time when you've expressed yourself, communicated your woes, and there's really nothing more to communicate -- just basically saying the same thing over and over and over again.

Not all family/relationship stuff is caused by a lack of talking about stuff. Sometimes it's caused by a lack of balance or by making everything about you.

OP should talk and try to heal, but given that her SIL has respected her wishes, told her privately, maybe she can let SIL enjoy being pregnant. Perhaps pregnant SIL who already is respecting OP shouldn't be the one that OP talks to about her struggle with infertility. That's what I'm saying.

Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:52     Subject: Re:Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Same PP ^^, and while I stand by what I just wrote, I do agree that putting all that in the congrats card is probably not the best move. But I DO think it's appropriate to just pull them over or say it privately, and I also totally agree with moving on. None of that means not saying something when something is really on your mind, but I do think that the congrats card is not the place to say what you want to say. Totally support you finding a time/place though to still say it, either in a separate letter or in private in person.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:47     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I wouldn't do any of this. Get presents at the appropriate times (baby shower, birth of the baby). But don't do any of this other stuff. It seems over the top, and it might make her feel awkward.

I also would stop talking to them about the infertility. Just drop it as a topic of conversation with them. I would not pursue it.

Don't invite a pity party. If you end up not having children, you will regret always being painted as the poor, old childless aunt.

Be kind and celebrate with them, but I would back away from any discussion of the infertility struggles with them from this point onward. Trust me. It will go a long way in keeping the relationship neutral -- not one where it feels like one party has something the other desperately wants.



But here's the thing PP: someone DOES have something that the other party wants. That's actually the situation, and OP is trying to figure out how to negotiate it and at least being honest about how she feels.

The bolded is one of the things about DCUM that makes me both NUTS but also grateful for the people in my life. People are so freakin' COMMUNICATION-AVERSE!!! PP it's actually HEALTHY to have a relationship with ILs or family where you can discuss difficult things, be honest about what's hard and what's challenging, be honest about being happy for them, and they can want you to be happy so much too that they have trouble telling you happy news. It's hard, it's awkward, but at least they are TALKING about it.

The relationship and family board (and general parenting) are so so full of people who struggle to say anything about how they feel, or address even little stuff, never mind big hard awkward stuff. No wonder the world we live in is so crazy! People are afraid to communicate.

Sorry OP, this is clearly me venting, but the bolded in PPs post just triggered this. I don't get where PP is coming from at all, but OP I say to you in the midst of this challenging time, please be grateful that both you, your DH, and your ILs are the kinds of people who care about each other, want the best for each other, and actually talk to each other. THAT bodes far better for your future relationships than any advice about shutting up.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 22:40     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:No here. The auntie and uncle onsies are a bit much and the fact that your note was directed more at your experience as an aunt and uncle is where you come off as self centered.

I was in your shoes op and I didn't try to control how my friends or families did anything. They didn't have to announce things in advance or change the way they dealt with their excitement. My feelings are my responsibility. I just didn't have any ill will at friends and family members who got pregnant before I did. Their fertility was in no way related to my infertility.


NP, ok, this is what worked for you PP. Sounds like the rest of us posting feel like OP is being honest about both being happy and struggling, and it sounds like the SIL and BIL were sensitive to this and trying to do this right and also awkward about it, so frankly OP's card sounds totally appropriate to me. Totally.

And OP, I think the uncle and aunt onesies is a lovely gesture. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't like that or think it's cute. They will no doubt get a ton of other stuff, but that is special and specific to you guys and your relationship-to-be with the baby, so go for it.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2014 12:18     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I wouldn't do any of this. Get presents at the appropriate times (baby shower, birth of the baby). But don't do any of this other stuff. It seems over the top, and it might make her feel awkward.

I also would stop talking to them about the infertility. Just drop it as a topic of conversation with them. I would not pursue it.

Don't invite a pity party. If you end up not having children, you will regret always being painted as the poor, old childless aunt.

Be kind and celebrate with them, but I would back away from any discussion of the infertility struggles with them from this point onward. Trust me. It will go a long way in keeping the relationship neutral -- not one where it feels like one party has something the other desperately wants.


It's Christmas, an appropriate time to give gifts. Let's not go too far the other way now.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 17:41     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
NP here. OP, I wouldn't do any of this. Get presents at the appropriate times (baby shower, birth of the baby). But don't do any of this other stuff. It seems over the top, and it might make her feel awkward.

I also would stop talking to them about the infertility. Just drop it as a topic of conversation with them. I would not pursue it.

Don't invite a pity party. If you end up not having children, you will regret always being painted as the poor, old childless aunt.

Be kind and celebrate with them, but I would back away from any discussion of the infertility struggles with them from this point onward. Trust me. It will go a long way in keeping the relationship neutral -- not one where it feels like one party has something the other desperately wants.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 17:29     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I wanted to get some advice about what to say to my BIL and SIL who my DH and I recently found out were expecting.

I just wanted to say that most people who aren't close to someone who has struggled including both families and friends are not going to understand how you feel. There are many people who just can't empathize - and then there is the media who portray couples dealing with infertility as nothing more than a pair of wealthy individuals who are creating designer babies after maximizing their careers. Those of us who have walked this road - know that this couldn't be further from the truth. Infertility is loss and going through treatment is traumatic in a number of ways.

Instead of giving your BIL and SIL a card I would suggest you make them a video (short) and let them know how you feel. I would also suggest you look at some of the videos made by couples struggling and read some of the stories: http://inciid.org/Karmann-Ryan
Families don't intend to be cruel - they just do not know the depth of the pain that couples suffer when they are completely excluded from what most of the rest of the world has no trouble doing - building a family!

To share with your family about your struggle is a gift to them and catharsis to you. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. It is important to take care of yourself and your partner - be kind to each other. Fertility can very lonely and the holidays are extra hard.

Nancy

http://www.inciid.org

Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:48     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are kidding yourself by trying to be happy *for* somebody when you are not happy yourself. It doesn't work that way. This is what adversity does to you. It leaves you alone. You should congratulate your more fortunate relatives and be done with them. From now on your lives will move in completely different directions, and your relationship will never be the same. (Unless you conceive and give birth shortly after you SIL.)


What horrific advice.


Agreed. My dad's best friend and his wife had a hard time conceiving. It took them over ten years (this was a long time ago). In the meantime, they poured a lot of love and time into their relationship with my brothers and me I have fond memories of sleeping over at their house, digging in the garden with my uncle, having breakfast with them in their house, etc. Finally they were successful, and then had a surprise baby immediately thereafter; their two sons are 12 months apart. Long story short, I'm still close to them. I gave my son the same name as their son. While it wasn't their plan to wait so long to have kids, we cherish the relationship that we were able to build before they had their own kids. Congratulations on becoming an aunt, and enjoy that special relationship.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:40     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.


Don't say this. It sounds so pitiful. Just hold your head up and keep it moving...



Yes, PLEASE don't say this. They told you they were trying, they told you privately that they were expecting--these were thoughtful ways to show awareness of your situation. Now, it's time to move forward, and nothing about your "struggle" in a congratulations card. No way. If the subject comes up organically in a private conversation at some point, sure, maybe get into it again, but otherwise, please don't conflate their pregnancy with your infertility. It's very unfair.


The card sounds to me like OP is really saying, "my struggle makes it hard for me to be happy about your baby and I would like you to tiptoe around the subject but I am going to be completely passive aggressive about it because I know I'm supposed to act like this is all OK with me." OP, it's fine to be upset, but don't put that on them.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:36     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I dont see how giving a card makes it about me...


I sort of agree with the PP who said you were making it about you. A card is fine, if you just say you're happy for them and can't wait to be an aunt and uncle. Anything more about your own struggles or appreciating how they told you is like TMI (or about you) and inappropriate for the purpose of the card. Everything you wanted to say is well and good, but putting that in the card doesn't make sense. If you can have a heart to heart later or burst out crying, so be it. You can explain yourself then, but, I feel like you are overthinking it and trying to smooth things over via the card which makes it more awkward than just saying congratulations and leaving it at that. I think they understand without you having to put it in words in a card.


Agree. I felt like once you picked the card and started to jump into all of these things that you are going through is when the idea jumped the shark.

Stick with the gift.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:16     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.


Don't say this. It sounds so pitiful. Just hold your head up and keep it moving...



Yes, PLEASE don't say this. They told you they were trying, they told you privately that they were expecting--these were thoughtful ways to show awareness of your situation. Now, it's time to move forward, and nothing about your "struggle" in a congratulations card. No way. If the subject comes up organically in a private conversation at some point, sure, maybe get into it again, but otherwise, please don't conflate their pregnancy with your infertility. It's very unfair.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:11     Subject: Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You say this:
I also wanted to give you a card to open in private. We really appreciated how you told us, and that our struggles in no way take away how happy we are for you. We just wish so badly that we were right there with you and could raise our children together. I want you to know that you do not need you two to tiptoe around the subject, but I guess I should say, that if I ever excuse myself to leave the room, It's just that I need some time to myself.
We are so happy for you, we can't wait to be an aunt and uncle.


Don't say this. Look, they obviously get it because they told you in a way which you had voiced you wanted to find out. So they will get it if you excuse yourself when people are gushing over baby things. They will understand if you don't appear thrilled. The more you draw attention to the fact that you're happy for them, the more it comes across as overcompensating and they will start to think maybe you really aren't ok and maybe they should back away. If you really want to say something, keep it simple. "I just wanted to thank you guys again with how you told us. It meant a lot." And then later talk about being excited about being an uncle and aunt. Don't combine the two.


OP, this.
They know . You told us that you told them about a prior experience . Your SIL couldn't look at you . They know OP, and may I say you are very lucky to have kind and considerate family.




What a bitchy thing to say.


Not PP, but how in the world is that bitchy?!? She's right, she is lucky. I had a "friend" become the equivalent of a bridezilla when she was pregnant. She knew full well that another friend was going through some pretty difficult fertility issues and yet every time we were together, she was either talking about her pregnancy and future child or trying to get the conversation back on her. It was awful.


That's just how I took it. I could see it being sincere but the prior words made me think definitely bitchy. Like a "You're lucky to have me" type deal.


I'm the PP who wrote that , I meant is as very sincere and kind . I thought it was really sweet that the BIL and SIL remembered what OP told th about wanting to be told in private , and took her out to dinner . That's all. They sound like a very nice and considerate family , OP included
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2014 16:00     Subject: Re:Dealing with SIL's pregnancy when dealing with infertility
I agree with others that a card or note seems a bit excessive. Especially the part about not being able to raise your kids together? That seems needlessly depressing, and quite possibly not true. It seems like this family is trying hard to be considerate of each other, which is really great. Just focus on being a good aunt and uncle and keep the communication open if something is hard for you. Your family might not know if you want to pull away a little or be more involved, so be sure that you're helping them to understand how to support you.

Good luck. You sound like a really nice person and I wish you the best.