Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you reading the texts? I don't want to check daily, but want to be able to put things in context and be responsive in a timely manner if needed.

Well, I read them whenever I posted this thread (last week?) and the time before that was .... the end of summer. DD and I have a solid relationship though and she tells me about all sorts of things that bother her or her friends. So I'm not overly concerned that I need to get info about her life through her text messages. I just check to make sure that what I think I know is going on, actually IS what's going on. DD knows which of her friends I'm fond of and which I'm not, so sometimes if one of her friends does something naughty she might not want to tell me since she feels it'll reinforce my feelings about them, though that's rare.

"naughty"? Yep, these next few years are gonna be a tough transition for you OP.

It's pretty easy for a kid to know that you are reading, or have read, their texts. They're smart like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be checking texts. Did your parents read your mail? Did they listen in on your phone conversations? That is the equivalent, not knowing who called. The fact that you are sitting here digesting the minutia of her conversations is a pretty strong sign that you are overinvolved.

OP here. My mother absolutely listened to my side of phone conversations. She was absolutely slow to hang up the phone when a friend called and I picked up at the same time she did. I'm fine with how involved I am in DD's life, and so is she.

Two of the most popular and well-liked kids in my kids HS were not allowed to have phones until the 7th grade. Once they got those phones, their parents could and did look at the texts any time. The kids were also not allowed to have twitter and FB accounts or go on instagram until high school. Other kids teased them at first, then moved past that quickly. Impact on these kids lives and social standing: virtually nil. Parents should do what they feel is right for their kids and their family, but keep in mind that early access allows for contact with older teens (and all that they're into) much, much earlier than in previous generations.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be checking texts. Did your parents read your mail? Did they listen in on your phone conversations? That is the equivalent, not knowing who called. The fact that you are sitting here digesting the minutia of her conversations is a pretty strong sign that you are overinvolved.

OP here. My mother absolutely listened to my side of phone conversations. She was absolutely slow to hang up the phone when a friend called and I picked up at the same time she did. I'm fine with how involved I am in DD's life, and so is she.

Anonymous wrote:How often are you reading the texts? I don't want to check daily, but want to be able to put things in context and be responsive in a timely manner if needed.

Well, I read them whenever I posted this thread (last week?) and the time before that was .... the end of summer. DD and I have a solid relationship though and she tells me about all sorts of things that bother her or her friends. So I'm not overly concerned that I need to get info about her life through her text messages. I just check to make sure that what I think I know is going on, actually IS what's going on. DD knows which of her friends I'm fond of and which I'm not, so sometimes if one of her friends does something naughty she might not want to tell me since she feels it'll reinforce my feelings about them, though that's rare.

snapchat

Anonymous wrote:I check my 10 yo DD's texts periodically. It was a condition of her getting a phone. For a while, at the beginning, I had it set up that all her texts also showed up on my phone, which was annoying, especially at work, but it set the foundation.

I don't read her diary or listen in on her calls though. I also monitor which apps she uses and the websites she frequents, somewhat infrequently. I think this is just a comfort level of due diligence for me.

I don't purposely listen in on her phone conversations... but when she is at the kitchen table using Skype on speaker and doing homework with schoolmates, I can't help but overhear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an invasion of her privacy. Just as ignominious as reading her diary.

This I disagree with. Parents should be seeing to it that their kids are safe, and if this means looking at their texts, I think it's fine. She is twelve, so a long way from being an adult whose judgment should be more trustworthy. What I don't understand is why these kids are doing so much texting anyway. Don't they have anything more productive to do? Why do they need Ipods AND phones? I guess OP lives in DC and her daughter takes metro or something. My kids take a bus and they don't need their own phone, nor does the school allow them to have it. To take a phone to school in our county, parents have to apply for permission.

You sound like my mom when I was a teenager. I used to talk to friends for HOURS on the phone after I got home from school. I can just hear my mom now, "What do you possibly have to talk about after spending the whole school day together!!!????!!!!"

I check my 10 yo DD's texts periodically. It was a condition of her getting a phone. For a while, at the beginning, I had it set up that all her texts also showed up on my phone, which was annoying, especially at work, but it set the foundation.

I don't read her diary or listen in on her calls though. I also monitor which apps she uses and the websites she frequents, somewhat infrequently. I think this is just a comfort level of due diligence for me.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be checking texts. Did your parents read your mail? Did they listen in on your phone conversations? That is the equivalent, not knowing who called. The fact that you are sitting here digesting the minutia of her conversations is a pretty strong sign that you are overinvolved.

The more my mom invaded my privacy when I was a teen, the more I lied.