Sounds like my SIL. Is her name Raynella?

Anonymous wrote: He has known you your whole life so why do you think someone could just suddenly poison him against you? What exactly are you witnessing that has you so upset. You aren't hearing much about the fights because you said he keeps it to himself. What have you actually seen with your own eyes or heard that has you so upset? Is she hitting him trying to provoke a physical fight? Does she say abusive things? If so, can you give an example. Does she throw things around and storm out?

Op has made her sil seem to be this magical, genius, manipulator who completely controls her brother when the reality is she is probably over enmeshed with bro and resents his relationship that doesn't involve her. OP your bro wants to grow up and have an adult life. He doesn't need you to do that. Do you have a life?

Anonymous wrote:What us gaslighting? Does she have toxic farts too?

Messing with a person's mind by actively manipulating and misleading the person in a way that makes her/him question her/his sense of reality. It's based on a play called Gaslight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she's beautiful.

Some men will put up with just about anything for a hot babe. Plenty of women will put up with a lot of shit for a guy who is really hot. The sex is probably mind blowing too. She'll fall apart when she loses her looks and no longer has so much power over men. Until then, they may be just fine even if she is a bad as you say. The worse the drama, the better the make-up sex.

LOL PP, not something I need to have in my head.


Like I said, if he is happy then, I'm happy to back off. I just don't know how I know that. But I will try the very careful approaches some PPs suggested, if I do say some thing.

What us gaslighting? Does she have toxic farts too?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she's beautiful.

Some men will put up with just about anything for a hot babe. Plenty of women will put up with a lot of shit for a guy who is really hot. The sex is probably mind blowing too. She'll fall apart when she loses her looks and no longer has so much power over men. Until then, they may be just fine even if she is a bad as you say. The worse the drama, the better the make-up sex.

Yes, she's beautiful.

Is she hot? DC women are ugly, slim pickings around here.

I can't get into details for fear of being revealing, but she lies about things people have said and done to her. Then does her whole poor little victim routine. I KNOW the things she has said are lies.

There have been times she has actively looked for problems, couldn't find them, and then picked a fight and then took things out of context and said, "See how horrible so-and-so is?"

Like I said, I when this stuff was aimed at me, I just kind of absorbed it, and when things got better, I thought she had changed, but then she just switched targets. But no one fares worse than my brother. The rest of us don't have to deal with her all the time. And I worry what will happen once there are kids in the picture to manipulate.

Honestly, as sad as being cut off made me (I am not currently cut off), I'd respect it if I thought he was living the life he wanted to live. He seems so anxious and confused all the time. It's like he doesn't trust his own instincts (which is what gaslighting does to you). This is not at all who he used to be.

A brother is a brother until he takes a wife ...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part will be when you find out it wasn't just her doing but your brother's as well.

For years we blamed my SIL for keeping my brother away until it dawned on us he wanted it that way.

This. I have two SILs who are, um, less than ideal, and both resisted spending time with my husband's family. One of my BILs said to his wife, "This is not okay. I miss my family and I want to spend time with them." And he figured out a way to make that happen. The other jsut goes along with what his wife wants, which means all holidays with her family and never with his, etc. And when my husband or his parents express sadness about it, I just say, "Yes, it is sad, but it's his choice, isn't it?"

This may not be the case at all in your family, but what the PPs mention is worth thinking about. Sometimes men use the wife as an excuse when they just want a break from family members or they want to see them less. It's always easier to blame that shrew of a wife for both sides. He stays the golden boy and it's less painful when the evil wife is keeping you apart rather than accepting that your own flesh and blood may want a break. Rarely in a relationship is one person pure evil and another is a saint. She isn't holding him hostage. You haven't given us evidence that she is brainwashing him other than just saying you know she is doing this.

He has known you your whole life so why do you think someone could just suddenly poison him against you? What exactly are you witnessing that has you so upset. You aren't hearing much about the fights because you said he keeps it to himself. What have you actually seen with your own eyes or heard that has you so upset? Is she hitting him trying to provoke a physical fight? Does she say abusive things? If so, can you give an example. Does she throw things around and storm out?

New poster: My brother is the narcissist and his girlfriend is the borderline. He's wreaked havoc far and wide since he met her. Hurt the kids. Multiple times. I stepped in once and told him he was in a messed up place and needed to get help. It did little good. But I felt I had a moral obligation with respect to the kids. Now I just support the kids as much as possible.

If you feel a need to say something, do it respectfully and do it just once. And know it may do absolutely nothing.

OP here. You're right. A lot of the distance is his choice, but she does actively lie and misrepresent things to him, which lead to him pulling away. She knows what he's insecure about and feeds into those insecurities while making up crap to encourage him to pull away. I don't even think it's a conscious decision all the time on her part.

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part will be when you find out it wasn't just her doing but your brother's as well.

For years we blamed my SIL for keeping my brother away until it dawned on us he wanted it that way.

This. I have two SILs who are, um, less than ideal, and both resisted spending time with my husband's family. One of my BILs said to his wife, "This is not okay. I miss my family and I want to spend time with them." And he figured out a way to make that happen. The other jsut goes along with what his wife wants, which means all holidays with her family and never with his, etc. And when my husband or his parents express sadness about it, I just say, "Yes, it is sad, but it's his choice, isn't it?"