Anonymous
Post 11/24/2014 09:42     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
But then the poor parents are at home alone on the holiday. I don't think celebrating another day makes up for it.


Good god! I'm glad my family is much more practical. You shouldn't be celebrating the day but the spirit. I've got 5 siblings and as we got older, we couldn't all make it back for a holiday. Some were in the military, some were overseas, some only had the one day off. We celebrated whatever day we could get together. It never mattered if it was actually on T-day or Christmas. It made it much easier when we started getting married and having kids. Sounds like you lack the spirit.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 23:52     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Have Thanksgiving at your own home if it makes you so miserable. But I don't get people who complain about this. Did you not realize you'd have to deal with your hubby's family when you married him? Your in laws aren't married to you so I wouldn't expect them to change their traditions. Stay at home sometimes with your hubby and make your own. I'm sure your own kids spouses make some day think some of your traditions are weird as well.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 20:49     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Celebrate your own Thanksgiving, and consider theirs not the real one. At theirs, take a nap on the way there or back, and zone out with a magazine or book. Lay off the booze. It's a depressant. Thanksgiving can be celebrated at Christmas anyway, so just have turkey on Christmas with your own relatives.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 19:34     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!


MILs and FILs need to remember how they treat their own children and DILs or SILs can have a direct impact on how their grandchildren will come to view them - "the grandparents." And in most cases, no matter how much little children love their grandparents, they will not trump over the love of their parents - so watch how you handle yourselves. I also think it should be the direct son or daughter who takes the lead in setting "the tone" for the respect and behavior which is expected in their home. A first real step would be to tell the In-Laws they are invited for a holiday, BUT....... and perhaps even to say a reservation has been made at a local hotel as they will enjoy themselves there a bit more and have time to decompress if they find themselves starting to get their motors and mouths running.......
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 19:08     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:

It is a very, very sad reality when the other IN-LAWs always berate their own and only son and my daughter every single time they get together in their (son's home.) While they do love their two young granddaughters, they literally "dislike" their son, an only child. And well DIL, especially for MIL, is just a red dot for the bull to get going charging at whenever she can. My daughter took a chance on "good behavior" of her in-laws and invited them down to celebrate a milestone birthday this weekend of their son, AND they would have time with the girls overnight, which they prefer. Well the minute SIL and DD walked into the house, the carping began - dirty house, awful parents etc. and to spite them they let one of the girls who had a cold run outside an play today. There is definitely mental illness on the In-LAWS part, but when it spills over repeatedly into the young family it is just very frustrating and really can't continue as it will impact the girls very soon.

We sent a gift card to cover the cost of the meet-up birthday gathering in a bar and SIL had a great time and was very appreciative. DD had only asked MIL to wrap to photos and get out to special cards from the girls for a simple party with them today. Well, needless to say no photos wrapped nor cards out AND no suggestion of eating out or ordering in what they would like were acceptable so off in a huff MIL and FIL drove to their own miserable existence.

Guess what I am saying is that for any MIL and FIL who can only find fault with a DIL or SIL, maybe it is best to stay put for your holiday and not bring stress in their home AND especially if you do not like or respect your own son or daughter, do stay home and eat your own fat turkey because in that way there will be nobody to bother you.And everyone will have so much to be truly thankful for.


+1

Some MILs need to grow up, more than the DILs!
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 16:01     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!


It is a very, very sad reality when the other IN-LAWs always berate their own and only son and my daughter every single time they get together in their (son's home.) While they do love their two young granddaughters, they literally "dislike" their son, an only child. And well DIL, especially for MIL, is just a red dot for the bull to get going charging at whenever she can. My daughter took a chance on "good behavior" of her in-laws and invited them down to celebrate a milestone birthday this weekend of their son, AND they would have time with the girls overnight, which they prefer. Well the minute SIL and DD walked into the house, the carping began - dirty house, awful parents etc. and to spite them they let one of the girls who had a cold run outside an play today. There is definitely mental illness on the In-LAWS part, but when it spills over repeatedly into the young family it is just very frustrating and really can't continue as it will impact the girls very soon.

We sent a gift card to cover the cost of the meet-up birthday gathering in a bar and SIL had a great time and was very appreciative. DD had only asked MIL to wrap to photos and get out to special cards from the girls for a simple party with them today. Well, needless to say no photos wrapped nor cards out AND no suggestion of eating out or ordering in what they would like were acceptable so off in a huff MIL and FIL drove to their own miserable existence.

Guess what I am saying is that for any MIL and FIL who can only find fault with a DIL or SIL, maybe it is best to stay put for your holiday and not bring stress in their home AND especially if you do not like or respect your own son or daughter, do stay home and eat your own fat turkey because in that way there will be nobody to bother you.And everyone will have so much to be truly thankful for.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2014 15:24     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
10 hours of travel for 1 day? I would immediately scrap that. Invite a friend who will be alone for Thanksgiving next year. Say your family is coming. Any built in excuse even if it doesn't pan out. Start planning your own traditions in your own home. (Although it sounds to me like your DH is quite happy with his family monopolizing)
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2014 08:46     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
We are a military family, so we have lived all over and rarely close enough to family to have holidays together. We started our own traditions with our own nuclear family, which our kids love. It was important to us that our kids have memories of holidays in their own home, wherever that home happened to be.

Also, I think five hours is waaay too long to drive for one day. Aren't you exhausted on Friday? Could you tell his family that you just can't be so tired for work on Friday, so you'll need to stay at home for Thanksgiving?
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2014 08:14     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:but what about respect to elders and the fact that they won't live forever. not OP but I struggle with this.


Visit them another time. Have dinner that weekend, just not on the holiday you cherish. If they life out of town, plan a weekend visit to them. You can still honor them and spend time with them without ruining something important to you.



+1000000




But then the poor parents are at home alone on the holiday. I don't think celebrating another day makes up for it.


If they won't bend or alter to accommodate anyone, they aren't the "poor parents"
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2014 08:03     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:but what about respect to elders and the fact that they won't live forever. not OP but I struggle with this.


Visit them another time. Have dinner that weekend, just not on the holiday you cherish. If they life out of town, plan a weekend visit to them. You can still honor them and spend time with them without ruining something important to you.



+1000000




But then the poor parents are at home alone on the holiday. I don't think celebrating another day makes up for it.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 19:50     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP can you really never ever travel on thanksgiving? Maybe I missed it on a previous page...also, you absolutely positively a hundred times over NEED TO HOST! The way I get what I want in life is by joyfully, exuberantly announcing my plans as though they are obviously the best thing for everyone involved. No one will have the heart to question you. I think you're screwed for this year, but around September of next year, you say to DH: "Guess what?!? My family is going to try to come to our place for thanksgiving this year!!!" You start planning (remember with exuberance and no hesitation). In-laws can choose to attend or not. Things might "fall through" with your family's travel plans but you will still host. Win. Good luck.


No, due to work we can't take off the day before Thanksgiving or the day after. Therefore we can't fly to my parents. DH's parents are 5 hours away, so that's why we go every year. We have begged and begged to host, but no one will travel to see us. Our friends are all with their extended families or else we would love to have it with friends.


You drive a 10 hour round trip? For one day and night Yeah...not so much.

Offer to host. They decline? So what. Then you do it on your own. Your family can fly to you.
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 17:49     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:but what about respect to elders and the fact that they won't live forever. not OP but I struggle with this.


Visit them another time. Have dinner that weekend, just not on the holiday you cherish. If they life out of town, plan a weekend visit to them. You can still honor them and spend time with them without ruining something important to you.



+1000000


Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 17:14     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:fuck em. Pour your own wine, eat your own food. mock them behind their backs. I think that's what in-laws are for.


This. I agree with the other poster too who mentioned do some holidays at your own home and do it the way you like. You could just have friends if you wish. You could invite family and if they don't come so what?

Good booze is a must. Break etiquette rules and open the wine you brought. Best Thanksgiving I ever had with my in-laws was the one where I was buzzed the whole time. I drink maybe a few times a year, so after slowly drinking a glass I'm buzzing and I just need to add another glass a few hours later and the buzz continues. Sometimes when they act like assholes I just start giggling (thanks to alcohol).


Many moons ago, my 21-year old brother turned to me(23) and said "OMG! You are right, this is sooooo much better with booze!" And one wedding with the other side of the family my cousin (just turned 21) shouted out "Family is better with booze!"
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 15:55     Subject: Re:Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
PP who's doing her own thanksgiving for the first time!

In my family, Thanksgiving was the only time of year we got out the good china and ate in the dining room (which was usually a huge mess--it got cleaned up for this one occasion). There are certain dishes that are traditional, and we often went out for a movie afterwards. Not big deals, but it was a little fancy and a little nice.

My in-laws don't really treat it as a special day at all, which makes sense because they're retired and don't do big family gatherings. DH is an only child and so it's usually just us coming over for a regular everyday dinner while the TV blares in the background. It's not terrible. I just miss the way my family did it. Now I get to try it my way!
Anonymous
Post 11/20/2014 13:29     Subject: Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP can you really never ever travel on thanksgiving? Maybe I missed it on a previous page...also, you absolutely positively a hundred times over NEED TO HOST! The way I get what I want in life is by joyfully, exuberantly announcing my plans as though they are obviously the best thing for everyone involved. No one will have the heart to question you. I think you're screwed for this year, but around September of next year, you say to DH: "Guess what?!? My family is going to try to come to our place for thanksgiving this year!!!" You start planning (remember with exuberance and no hesitation). In-laws can choose to attend or not. Things might "fall through" with your family's travel plans but you will still host. Win. Good luck.


No, due to work we can't take off the day before Thanksgiving or the day after. Therefore we can't fly to my parents. DH's parents are 5 hours away, so that's why we go every year. We have begged and begged to host, but no one will travel to see us. Our friends are all with their extended families or else we would love to have it with friends.

Ok I believe you that you can't travel, but try my plan. Dh and I haven't traveled for thanksgiving since we had kids (4 years). So far, no one has visited. We have eaten A LOT of turkey. It can be fun to be a small family unit too. Last two years, we got together with friends, too and that was great.