Anonymous
Post 11/08/2014 10:44     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the post suggesting giving a smaller, less expensive gift. Some godiva chocolates you buy at the grocery store. Some cheap earrings. You need to show her you are not going to try that hard anymore. It will give her less power--the power or refusal. consumable is best. She has for some reason decided she is not interested in your guys so give something that doesn't last so she isn't "burdened" by reminders of you guys. She sounds awful. Sad that she is depressed. Maybe have DH talk to the SILs about whether she is getting help for the depression. Maybe they can prompt her to get a therapist.


OP here. Thank you for your insightful response. MIL is most definitely depressed, as are other family members. The family has some serious issues - two of which have to do with their family dynamics and jealousy; which is why I try to stay away, and try to encourage DH to see them on neutral ground. But they revert to their old abusive behaviors, and he is disappointed every time. If nothing else, I should be taking note of his disappointment and not be surprised when it happens to me. They see me as they see him; if not, worse - I speak up (he is learning). It is a hard thing for them to face their issues, and they would rather not admit them, so they "do not exist". In other words, therapy would never happen. Thankfully, DH is the bright one in all of this, and has learned much about their behaviors, and how it impacts him. "Owning your crap" is not easy for some people. When abuse is factored in, it becomes that much more complicated. Again, I need to take note and realize these are not normal people. I guess I have a hard time with that, most of all; and want to give her a gift "as if" she was a normal, kind, warm, loving, accepting person (not closed, insular and cold)
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2014 09:28     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
I agree with the post suggesting giving a smaller, less expensive gift. Some godiva chocolates you buy at the grocery store. Some cheap earrings. You need to show her you are not going to try that hard anymore. It will give her less power--the power or refusal. consumable is best. She has for some reason decided she is not interested in your guys so give something that doesn't last so she isn't "burdened" by reminders of you guys. She sounds awful. Sad that she is depressed. Maybe have DH talk to the SILs about whether she is getting help for the depression. Maybe they can prompt her to get a therapist.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 22:10     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I'm not sure what this means. We see her twice per year, and she lives five minutes away. Should I give her more space?

It's seems we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't? What am I missing?


A different PP here. Here's one suggestion that might make your relationship with your MIL a little smoother. Make sure that she regularly gets time with just your husband and the kids. Despite the fact that you are her DIL, the love of her son and the mother of her grandchildren, the fact is that some mothers think of daughter-in-law as competition. They are the mother of the family, but when the daughter-in-law is around with the grandkids, the daughter-in-law usurps her position as mother of the family. So, arrange for once or twice a year for your husband to take the kids to visit her and do something with just them. Perhaps either the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend or her birthday, you get a relaxing day to yourself sans kids (sounds fantastic to me!) and she gets her "family" for herself as the mother.

Both of our mothers live far away, but we make sure that when we visit them or they visit us that we arrange at least one event, whether lunch, brunch, dinner, etc as just grandmother, her child and her grandchildren. It's amazing how much that pleases them. We schedule it and we make sure to highlight it on the first day of the visit. They never admit it, but you can tell from their behavior that they look forward to it, and really enjoy it and it makes the visit special for them. And we all get along great. But this is one of the things that we've found that makes our mothers happy.


OP here. Thanks for the suggestion, PP. DH really does not want to see his mother at all. I have persuaded him to go in the past; and sometimes he reluctantly visited with/without child/ren. They have gone on their annual vacation without me, due to exigent circumstances. I think DH is afraid of her, as she is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I know there are abuse issues in his family, and am slowly piecing together what the issues were/are. All behaviors indicate that she is trying the same behaviors with me. I think she sees me as someone who is rocking her rather awkward boat.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 21:54     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I'm not sure what this means. We see her twice per year, and she lives five minutes away. Should I give her more space?

It's seems we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't? What am I missing?


A different PP here. Here's one suggestion that might make your relationship with your MIL a little smoother. Make sure that she regularly gets time with just your husband and the kids. Despite the fact that you are her DIL, the love of her son and the mother of her grandchildren, the fact is that some mothers think of daughter-in-law as competition. They are the mother of the family, but when the daughter-in-law is around with the grandkids, the daughter-in-law usurps her position as mother of the family. So, arrange for once or twice a year for your husband to take the kids to visit her and do something with just them. Perhaps either the Saturday of Mother's Day weekend or her birthday, you get a relaxing day to yourself sans kids (sounds fantastic to me!) and she gets her "family" for herself as the mother.

Both of our mothers live far away, but we make sure that when we visit them or they visit us that we arrange at least one event, whether lunch, brunch, dinner, etc as just grandmother, her child and her grandchildren. It's amazing how much that pleases them. We schedule it and we make sure to highlight it on the first day of the visit. They never admit it, but you can tell from their behavior that they look forward to it, and really enjoy it and it makes the visit special for them. And we all get along great. But this is one of the things that we've found that makes our mothers happy.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 20:34     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Good God. What amount of ass kissing would make this MIL happy??!!
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 20:31     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
20:13 - you seem to know about this. Why on earth would a MIL /mother*not* want their child in their life? And deliberately try to be nasty and/or leave them out completely? It's blood.

Could the MIL be jealous?

Genuinely curious.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 20:13     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she says she doesn't want anything, and she doesn't appreciate anything you give her, why are you trying? Honestly, give her a $25 gift certificate to the local grocery store or Amazon or something equally stupid and be done with her. Or just don't give her a gift at all. After the OO gift, I wouldn't be inclined to give her a gift at all (and I don't have a$$-hat relatives or anyone in my life who acts like her).

What is up with her behavior? Why are you trying to change it--for what purpose?


OP here. I agree. I always thought one of the main reason she dislikes me, is because she dislikes herself. She refuses to accept that DH and I compliment each other. As if she is just waiting for a divorce or remarriage or something, so she can say she said so. She is depressed and doesn't enjoy anything (at all, ever) - so I know better than to take it personally. That is, if I think of it in a logical fashion. KWIM? Come to think of it, she goes nuts for random strangers' crap......

It is hard for me to grasp anyone being so miserable in their life. She fights me any chance she gets - wedding, birth, funeral, illness, you name it. She has serious issues. I need to let it go, without giving her the satisfaction of telling her off (which would serve zero purpose); but is fun to think about.....

She tries to treat me how she treats DH. Like crap. Thinking of a nice gift card. I really, really appreciate the support here. It is a somewhat surreal situation. As I mentioned, I have never seen anything "quite like this". Someone with so much cold, hate and bitter is hard for someone like me; I need to let it go.


You do need to let it go. But I suspect there is a little mean streak in you that enjoys prodding her. If you really wanted her to relax a little about her relationship with you and DH you would give her some more space when she keeps signaling she'd prefer it.



OP here. I'm not sure what this means. We see her twice per year, and she lives five minutes away. Should I give her more space?

It's seems we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't? What am I missing?




OP, MIL actively cuts you and DH out of her life. The SILs blow you off about gifts, going out together, everything. MIL recycles gifts from your kids back to you. She lives five minutes away and sees you twice a year. She SAYS she doesn't need anything (read: doesn't want gifts from you and DH).

Rather than accept the obvious - DH's family wants to minimize ties with you guys - you keep pushing and keep pushing. You ratchet up the scale of gifts, you solicit gift suggestions from DCUM (and not as in "help me think of something simple and generic" but rather you're still looking to impress MIL, win her over, cater to her as if it would matter). You encourage DH to keep trying with his family. Why?

By hovering on the edges of DH's family's world you think you're being the good soldier maintaining the family connection. No, you don't want to admit if left up to them there would be no connection. As I said before, I think you refuse to let his rotten family "win" so you'll keep buying the thoughtful gifts and making overtures and thereby showing everyone involved what "graciousness" looks like.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 19:27     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she says she doesn't want anything, and she doesn't appreciate anything you give her, why are you trying? Honestly, give her a $25 gift certificate to the local grocery store or Amazon or something equally stupid and be done with her. Or just don't give her a gift at all. After the OO gift, I wouldn't be inclined to give her a gift at all (and I don't have a$$-hat relatives or anyone in my life who acts like her).

What is up with her behavior? Why are you trying to change it--for what purpose?


OP here. I agree. I always thought one of the main reason she dislikes me, is because she dislikes herself. She refuses to accept that DH and I compliment each other. As if she is just waiting for a divorce or remarriage or something, so she can say she said so. She is depressed and doesn't enjoy anything (at all, ever) - so I know better than to take it personally. That is, if I think of it in a logical fashion. KWIM? Come to think of it, she goes nuts for random strangers' crap......

It is hard for me to grasp anyone being so miserable in their life. She fights me any chance she gets - wedding, birth, funeral, illness, you name it. She has serious issues. I need to let it go, without giving her the satisfaction of telling her off (which would serve zero purpose); but is fun to think about.....

She tries to treat me how she treats DH. Like crap. Thinking of a nice gift card. I really, really appreciate the support here. It is a somewhat surreal situation. As I mentioned, I have never seen anything "quite like this". Someone with so much cold, hate and bitter is hard for someone like me; I need to let it go.


You do need to let it go. But I suspect there is a little mean streak in you that enjoys prodding her. If you really wanted her to relax a little about her relationship with you and DH you would give her some more space when she keeps signaling she'd prefer it.



OP here. I'm not sure what this means. We see her twice per year, and she lives five minutes away. Should I give her more space?

It's seems we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't? What am I missing?


Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 19:09     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she says she doesn't want anything, and she doesn't appreciate anything you give her, why are you trying? Honestly, give her a $25 gift certificate to the local grocery store or Amazon or something equally stupid and be done with her. Or just don't give her a gift at all. After the OO gift, I wouldn't be inclined to give her a gift at all (and I don't have a$$-hat relatives or anyone in my life who acts like her).

What is up with her behavior? Why are you trying to change it--for what purpose?


OP here. I agree. I always thought one of the main reason she dislikes me, is because she dislikes herself. She refuses to accept that DH and I compliment each other. As if she is just waiting for a divorce or remarriage or something, so she can say she said so. She is depressed and doesn't enjoy anything (at all, ever) - so I know better than to take it personally. That is, if I think of it in a logical fashion. KWIM? Come to think of it, she goes nuts for random strangers' crap......

It is hard for me to grasp anyone being so miserable in their life. She fights me any chance she gets - wedding, birth, funeral, illness, you name it. She has serious issues. I need to let it go, without giving her the satisfaction of telling her off (which would serve zero purpose); but is fun to think about.....

She tries to treat me how she treats DH. Like crap. Thinking of a nice gift card. I really, really appreciate the support here. It is a somewhat surreal situation. As I mentioned, I have never seen anything "quite like this". Someone with so much cold, hate and bitter is hard for someone like me; I need to let it go.


You do need to let it go. But I suspect there is a little mean streak in you that enjoys prodding her. If you really wanted her to relax a little about her relationship with you and DH you would give her some more space when she keeps signaling she'd prefer it.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 17:49     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:If she says she doesn't want anything, and she doesn't appreciate anything you give her, why are you trying? Honestly, give her a $25 gift certificate to the local grocery store or Amazon or something equally stupid and be done with her. Or just don't give her a gift at all. After the OO gift, I wouldn't be inclined to give her a gift at all (and I don't have a$$-hat relatives or anyone in my life who acts like her).

What is up with her behavior? Why are you trying to change it--for what purpose?


OP here. I agree. I always thought one of the main reason she dislikes me, is because she dislikes herself. She refuses to accept that DH and I compliment each other. As if she is just waiting for a divorce or remarriage or something, so she can say she said so. She is depressed and doesn't enjoy anything (at all, ever) - so I know better than to take it personally. That is, if I think of it in a logical fashion. KWIM? Come to think of it, she goes nuts for random strangers' crap......

It is hard for me to grasp anyone being so miserable in their life. She fights me any chance she gets - wedding, birth, funeral, illness, you name it. She has serious issues. I need to let it go, without giving her the satisfaction of telling her off (which would serve zero purpose); but is fun to think about.....

She tries to treat me how she treats DH. Like crap. Thinking of a nice gift card. I really, really appreciate the support here. It is a somewhat surreal situation. As I mentioned, I have never seen anything "quite like this". Someone with so much cold, hate and bitter is hard for someone like me; I need to let it go.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 13:31     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
This may sound strange, but some people HATE gifts. I do. Yeah, weird, I know. But here is the gift: expensive, they went to a lot of trouble, they want me to like it, love it thank them, find a place for it in my home, reciprocate, praise them, use it, talk about it, write a thank you note, buy them a gift, do all the same things they just did for me. No, thanks!! Can we just skip this part??
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 13:27     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about a set of primo extra VOO and fine balsamic wine? I can tell you were to write to some splendid gifts from No. California.


OP here. I'm really (really) not trying to be difficult. This has been going on for years. We brought her fresh pressed OO straight off the plane from Italy. They pressed it on the grounds where we stayed. Nothing. Her reaction was "why on earth would you bring me olive oil?" I gave some to my friends, they were thrilled and cooked elaborate dishes with us - more of the reaction or personality we are used to, I guess. Their dines were so impressive, better than anything we could have learned to make.

No food. No clothes. No friends. You get the idea. Maybe wine. Is there a great wine? She might need it

And I agree with PPs, I could stand on my head and spit nickels, and she wouldn't care. But a practical stranger (or of course, the daughters) could do something inane, and it would somehow be the best thing ever. Puzzling. She does like word puzzles. She's a bit of a loner, doesn't like talking, or laughing, really......hard to explain....

If we give her an ornament or puzzle from the children, she will recycle it back to us. I could not make this up.....

She refuses to hand anything of significance down to us, even though we show the most interest. Yet the daughter's husbands have gotten significant family belongings. Very hurtful. But I digress.

She only shops at one store, and we can't really get there (I don't want to name it, it might give away too much information...)

Anyone have someone so impossible to buy for?


Good grief, OP, let it go! Think of the very most generic and impersonal gift you can think of (++ if also cheap) She will probably love it and recycle it to someone else.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 13:24     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
Op it is very manipulative of your MIL (or anyone) to consistently be "not pleased" by a gift. Then when you continue to up the ante and spend more and more it does not help matters. Much better to go the other direction and cultivate a nice "here it is!' attitude. I love a useless present like a gift to a charity -- it send the message -- nothing personal! You just didn't LIKE anything! Those card books/ personal photos -- better to just make them and keep them for yourselves -- at least they will be appreciated.
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 13:19     Subject: Christmas present for hard to please MIL
NP. Thanks to the PP who suggested Downton abbey tea. I am totally getting this for my MIL! Has anyone seen these in stores?
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2014 10:59     Subject: Re:Christmas present for hard to please MIL
If she says she doesn't want anything, and she doesn't appreciate anything you give her, why are you trying? Honestly, give her a $25 gift certificate to the local grocery store or Amazon or something equally stupid and be done with her. Or just don't give her a gift at all. After the OO gift, I wouldn't be inclined to give her a gift at all (and I don't have a$$-hat relatives or anyone in my life who acts like her).

What is up with her behavior? Why are you trying to change it--for what purpose?