Yes so he's paying for half. Shouldn't she also be paying for half? 20k x 2 is 40k. 40k x 18 years is $240,000 and meets the average above.

OP, however strange it may sound, but I think part of your hatred lies in the fact that you are such a great step mom.
I would stop paying for things that are not truly your responsibility. No need for college accounts contributions, salons (even lice treatment ones), or back to school shopping. Just pay for the tix, food, and medical stuff if needed. And yes some gifts. Maybe a camp for each and a mini vacation.
I think you are doing too much, are strained, and all the ex's shit really gets to you because she just takes it for granted.

Anonymous wrote:"As for her half of the plane tickets, have you tried just deducting it from other payments and explaining why, very matter-of-factly? "Dear Jane, enclosed is a check for the 50% of Junior's braces and soccer camp, less the $750 you owe us for the shared expense of their flights last month. Best, John."

Yes this is the route DH will go this year.

This X 100.

No drama, no crap.. just do this. Child support is set by the court. If ex wants more she needs to request it.

Some of the OP's issues aren't money related, they are lazy parent related. IE: Not properly treating the lice or telling their dad and step mom that they HAVE lice.

OP these are actually fairly common issues. Deal with the financials as the quoted PP suggested. The rest of it you'll just have to live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She hates you, too. Quit nickel and dimeing three innocent kids. God, you terrible step moms on here have made me just terrified of divorce. Those poor babies.

Ummm I don't personally have any support obligations to her kids. I pay for tons of stuff for them. I personally (not DH) just flew everyone to Universal Studios and Disney so we could geek out to a family Harry Potter vacation. I spend my own money taking them on a back to school shopping trip at the end of each summer and then we do a girl's trip to the beauty salon. I took four weeks of my own personal leave this summer to be with them, take them for horseback riding lessons, basketball clinics, volleyball camps etc bc my husband was called away to the field (but he has "tax free shopping" so it's all good). I never speak badly of their mom, even when I am washing every linen in my home bc she didn't tell me about the lice infestation. What really upsets me is that the ex wife doesn't honor her obligations under the divorce decree, and she also leverages her influence with the kids to guilt DH into paying for stuff when she doesn't want to pay for it. So, when exactly was I "terrible?" Was it when I was at the minute clinic with DSD getting her fungal infection treated? Or when I was at the "lice treatment salon" (yes there is such a thing) with DSD who was in tears bc she is 13 and so embarrassed to have lice that her mom didn't take care of properly? The "salon" btw cost $125 but I paid for it bc DSD was devastated and in emotional and physical trauma. The ex bought a $12 shampoo from Walmart and then sent them to me for the summer hoping for the best. Just bc I really dislike the ex and her manipulative financial practices doesn't make me a "terrible" step mom. Being a step is a very hard role. You have a ton of responsibility and virtually no authority. You are on the hook to care for someone else's children. So maybe don't be so judgmental. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I want a divorce, to anyone who might be wondering.

Wow. Sounds like you are making a good amount of money for you to be able to fly the kids out. The reason that the ex cannot afford things that your husband can is that he is now part of a dual earner household. And, under the eyes of the law, you two are essentially one single entity and all your income and his income becomes combined. So please stop bitching about this, it makes you look incredibly selfish and spiteful.

I make a little less than them but I have a consulting business in the side that pays out little windfalls a few times per year. I usually use that money to pay for a family vacation and put money in their college accounts. I don't think that makes me bitchy or selfish nor do I expect her to pay for expensive family vacations. I am very confused about the people saying DH needs to honor his commitment or whatever, esp the person who said they hope that his military service taught him that or whatever. I don't think that's in question. He pays their court ordered support every month. He pays it 12 months per year, even though we have the kids 3 mo per year (so I guess it really comes out to $875 per kid per month) plus he pays for half of all the other items I noted. That's not in question and I have not complained at all about the support he pays. My gripe is that the mom doesn't follow the divorce decree and constantly texts him to pay for random stuff above and beyond that. But I am getting the sense here that the default position is that nc dads are all shitbags trying to screw over the poor cp mom and step wives are behind the scenes manipulating it all. As for the lice, she did know, bc I called her to ask why DSD was scratching and bleeding from her scalp and she said, "well I didn't tell you but the kids had lice..." I defy anyone on this forum to receive three kids into their home with a live lice infestation and not be annoyed about it. Also am honestly interested...I put the numbers out there- if you think he's paying too little, how much should he be paying?

He's paying less than $20,000 a year for three kids -- how far exactly do you think that goes in paying for food, shelter and clothing, never mind the extras that you have so much bitterness towards? But I think you miss the larger point, why are you so personally invested in counting every dollar that is spent on his kids, and judging how "fair" that is? Most parents, even step parents, aren't so petty. Kids cost what they cost. If you truly love the kids as you claim, you wouldn't be so focused on this silly ledger book approach to parenting. The kids were there before you, he chose to have them, and you chose this package. Stop being so miser like if you truly care about this kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She hates you, too. Quit nickel and dimeing three innocent kids. God, you terrible step moms on here have made me just terrified of divorce. Those poor babies.

Ummm I don't personally have any support obligations to her kids. I pay for tons of stuff for them. I personally (not DH) just flew everyone to Universal Studios and Disney so we could geek out to a family Harry Potter vacation. I spend my own money taking them on a back to school shopping trip at the end of each summer and then we do a girl's trip to the beauty salon. I took four weeks of my own personal leave this summer to be with them, take them for horseback riding lessons, basketball clinics, volleyball camps etc bc my husband was called away to the field (but he has "tax free shopping" so it's all good). I never speak badly of their mom, even when I am washing every linen in my home bc she didn't tell me about the lice infestation. What really upsets me is that the ex wife doesn't honor her obligations under the divorce decree, and she also leverages her influence with the kids to guilt DH into paying for stuff when she doesn't want to pay for it. So, when exactly was I "terrible?" Was it when I was at the minute clinic with DSD getting her fungal infection treated? Or when I was at the "lice treatment salon" (yes there is such a thing) with DSD who was in tears bc she is 13 and so embarrassed to have lice that her mom didn't take care of properly? The "salon" btw cost $125 but I paid for it bc DSD was devastated and in emotional and physical trauma. The ex bought a $12 shampoo from Walmart and then sent them to me for the summer hoping for the best. Just bc I really dislike the ex and her manipulative financial practices doesn't make me a "terrible" step mom. Being a step is a very hard role. You have a ton of responsibility and virtually no authority. You are on the hook to care for someone else's children. So maybe don't be so judgmental. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I want a divorce, to anyone who might be wondering.

Wow. Sounds like you are making a good amount of money for you to be able to fly the kids out. The reason that the ex cannot afford things that your husband can is that he is now part of a dual earner household. And, under the eyes of the law, you two are essentially one single entity and all your income and his income becomes combined. So please stop bitching about this, it makes you look incredibly selfish and spiteful.

I make a little less than them but I have a consulting business in the side that pays out little windfalls a few times per year. I usually use that money to pay for a family vacation and put money in their college accounts. I don't think that makes me bitchy or selfish nor do I expect her to pay for expensive family vacations. I am very confused about the people saying DH needs to honor his commitment or whatever, esp the person who said they hope that his military service taught him that or whatever. I don't think that's in question. He pays their court ordered support every month. He pays it 12 months per year, even though we have the kids 3 mo per year (so I guess it really comes out to $875 per kid per month) plus he pays for half of all the other items I noted. That's not in question and I have not complained at all about the support he pays. My gripe is that the mom doesn't follow the divorce decree and constantly texts him to pay for random stuff above and beyond that. But I am getting the sense here that the default position is that nc dads are all shitbags trying to screw over the poor cp mom and step wives are behind the scenes manipulating it all. As for the lice, she did know, bc I called her to ask why DSD was scratching and bleeding from her scalp and she said, "well I didn't tell you but the kids had lice..." I defy anyone on this forum to receive three kids into their home with a live lice infestation and not be annoyed about it. Also am honestly interested...I put the numbers out there- if you think he's paying too little, how much should he be paying?

I dont even know how you came up with that $875 figure. I recalculated it according to what you said and it comes out to $666 a month, not a huge jump. I grew up in the DC area so maybe my figures would be more, but I think it cost my parents thousands to pay for me every month. From healthy food, to school supplies, to clothing, to sports fees, to trip fees, to a small allowance so that I could go out with friends and be able to get food and such, raising a kid is EXPENSIVE. Let alone in a couple years when these kids will most assuredly start begging for a car and needing money for college applications. You do realize the estimated cost for raising a child is $245,000, right? And that is the AVERAGE cost- thats not if you want to really do it right and give your child a comfortable and worry free childhood. So that $666 doesnt go far into the $245,000.

Really, I dont get it. Why even have kids? Why have children if you are so unprepared and so shocked by the expense? Why marry someone with kids? When you agree to take on a child you are agreeing to financial support. Thems the shakes. If you dont like it, wear a condom! Or dont marry a guy with 3 kids!! JFC, I dont get whats so hard to understand...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She hates you, too. Quit nickel and dimeing three innocent kids. God, you terrible step moms on here have made me just terrified of divorce. Those poor babies.

Ummm I don't personally have any support obligations to her kids. I pay for tons of stuff for them. I personally (not DH) just flew everyone to Universal Studios and Disney so we could geek out to a family Harry Potter vacation. I spend my own money taking them on a back to school shopping trip at the end of each summer and then we do a girl's trip to the beauty salon. I took four weeks of my own personal leave this summer to be with them, take them for horseback riding lessons, basketball clinics, volleyball camps etc bc my husband was called away to the field (but he has "tax free shopping" so it's all good). I never speak badly of their mom, even when I am washing every linen in my home bc she didn't tell me about the lice infestation. What really upsets me is that the ex wife doesn't honor her obligations under the divorce decree, and she also leverages her influence with the kids to guilt DH into paying for stuff when she doesn't want to pay for it. So, when exactly was I "terrible?" Was it when I was at the minute clinic with DSD getting her fungal infection treated? Or when I was at the "lice treatment salon" (yes there is such a thing) with DSD who was in tears bc she is 13 and so embarrassed to have lice that her mom didn't take care of properly? The "salon" btw cost $125 but I paid for it bc DSD was devastated and in emotional and physical trauma. The ex bought a $12 shampoo from Walmart and then sent them to me for the summer hoping for the best. Just bc I really dislike the ex and her manipulative financial practices doesn't make me a "terrible" step mom. Being a step is a very hard role. You have a ton of responsibility and virtually no authority. You are on the hook to care for someone else's children. So maybe don't be so judgmental. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I want a divorce, to anyone who might be wondering.

Wow. Sounds like you are making a good amount of money for you to be able to fly the kids out. The reason that the ex cannot afford things that your husband can is that he is now part of a dual earner household. And, under the eyes of the law, you two are essentially one single entity and all your income and his income becomes combined. So please stop bitching about this, it makes you look incredibly selfish and spiteful.

I make a little less than them but I have a consulting business in the side that pays out little windfalls a few times per year. I usually use that money to pay for a family vacation and put money in their college accounts. I don't think that makes me bitchy or selfish nor do I expect her to pay for expensive family vacations. I am very confused about the people saying DH needs to honor his commitment or whatever, esp the person who said they hope that his military service taught him that or whatever. I don't think that's in question. He pays their court ordered support every month. He pays it 12 months per year, even though we have the kids 3 mo per year (so I guess it really comes out to $875 per kid per month) plus he pays for half of all the other items I noted. That's not in question and I have not complained at all about the support he pays. My gripe is that the mom doesn't follow the divorce decree and constantly texts him to pay for random stuff above and beyond that. But I am getting the sense here that the default position is that nc dads are all shitbags trying to screw over the poor cp mom and step wives are behind the scenes manipulating it all. As for the lice, she did know, bc I called her to ask why DSD was scratching and bleeding from her scalp and she said, "well I didn't tell you but the kids had lice..." I defy anyone on this forum to receive three kids into their home with a live lice infestation and not be annoyed about it. Also am honestly interested...I put the numbers out there- if you think he's paying too little, how much should he be paying?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She hates you, too. Quit nickel and dimeing three innocent kids. God, you terrible step moms on here have made me just terrified of divorce. Those poor babies.

Ummm I don't personally have any support obligations to her kids. I pay for tons of stuff for them. I personally (not DH) just flew everyone to Universal Studios and Disney so we could geek out to a family Harry Potter vacation. I spend my own money taking them on a back to school shopping trip at the end of each summer and then we do a girl's trip to the beauty salon. I took four weeks of my own personal leave this summer to be with them, take them for horseback riding lessons, basketball clinics, volleyball camps etc bc my husband was called away to the field (but he has "tax free shopping" so it's all good). I never speak badly of their mom, even when I am washing every linen in my home bc she didn't tell me about the lice infestation. What really upsets me is that the ex wife doesn't honor her obligations under the divorce decree, and she also leverages her influence with the kids to guilt DH into paying for stuff when she doesn't want to pay for it. So, when exactly was I "terrible?" Was it when I was at the minute clinic with DSD getting her fungal infection treated? Or when I was at the "lice treatment salon" (yes there is such a thing) with DSD who was in tears bc she is 13 and so embarrassed to have lice that her mom didn't take care of properly? The "salon" btw cost $125 but I paid for it bc DSD was devastated and in emotional and physical trauma. The ex bought a $12 shampoo from Walmart and then sent them to me for the summer hoping for the best. Just bc I really dislike the ex and her manipulative financial practices doesn't make me a "terrible" step mom. Being a step is a very hard role. You have a ton of responsibility and virtually no authority. You are on the hook to care for someone else's children. So maybe don't be so judgmental. And just because it's hard doesn't mean I want a divorce, to anyone who might be wondering.

Wow. Sounds like you are making a good amount of money for you to be able to fly the kids out. The reason that the ex cannot afford things that your husband can is that he is now part of a dual earner household. And, under the eyes of the law, you two are essentially one single entity and all your income and his income becomes combined. So please stop bitching about this, it makes you look incredibly selfish and spiteful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry I did not address the court order. The court order dictates the amount of the support. He covers their health insurance. Not sure how medical bill work, they probably split them bc he paid for half of glasses and braces. They split activities, except she never pays for when the activities are with us in the summer. They split travel, except she never pays him back for tix. The last thing she told DSD was that she couldn't get an updo for homecoming bc dad wouldn't pay half for it. Not "you're a freshman and we are not spending $120 on your hair." Not "if you want an updo you can do extra chores to pay for it."

Ok so you know exactly Jack about their agreement. Educate yourself first before you make yourself sound like an idiot.

No I just don't remember exactly what the arrangement is for medical. Just bc I don't have the thing memorized verbatim doesn't mean I know "Jack". Regarding the $500 per kid amount, curious what people think would be more appropriate. She is a GS13 in Houston so prob making a high 5 figures. He makes a bit less than her and lives in DC area.

And he's active duty with BAH etc... Tax free shopping? Oh dear you are a bitter one

Yeah he's active duty deployed three times to Iraq and Afghanistan in combat, injured, losing his hearing, lost friends, and all of that. So seriously STFU about BAH and tax free shopping. He gets perks as an active duty service member but his sacrifice is way more than a 10 percent military discount at Ref Robin.

And do you want to hold the ex responsible for "his sacrifice" too? Maybe you think because your husband CHOSE to enter the military that somehow he is owed more from society and the ex wife than a civilian? My grandfather was a general in the army and he never made a big deal about it. But I can tell you that the military industrial complex he placed on his children was harmful to them in many ways and I still see the result of that in my father's stunted emotional capabilities. No, I'm not saying every serviceperson is a terrible parent. But I am saying that serving in the military makes you no better equipped for or entitled to raising a kid than any other job (And in fact it can carry with it unique complications like PTSD that make raising a child much more difficult). I'm grateful to all servicepeople for the service but it sounds like you and your husband want him to be treated like a special snowflake outside the bounds of the law and the legal standard for custodial support in a divorce. Sorry, dude- it just doesnt work that way. Hopefully your hubby's military service taught him the importance of living out obligations and acting honorably. He needs to start applying that to his attitude towards monetary support of his ex wife.

Anonymous wrote:
Unfortunately, this is the reality of marrying a divorced man with three kids and child support expenses.

+1 As others have suggested, I think you're getting off cheap and would not stir things up too much with DH or the ex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I really love him and the kids are pretty great. The lice thing was...not cool.

The lice thing is what makes me think you just don't get it. They are kids. Kids are expensive and things come up. Kids get lice. It comes and goes. It costs $15 to get a lice comb. Just do it and stop bitching.

X2. People who dont understand the innate expensiveness of a child should not be allowed to have them. JMO.

Anonymous wrote:DH pays regular child support, $500 per kid per month for three kids. The rest of the year she nickel and dimes us for every expense. If DH won't pay half she says "well you can't do x,y,or z bc your dad won't pay." He pays half for all of the expenses for the expensive club sports during the school year, but when he asks her to pay for half their sports camps when we have them on the summer she refuses. She sent the kids up in the summer fresh after a lice infestation and didn't tell us until DSD was itching her scalp uncontrollably and I called her to ask why. She won't pay anything for the lice treatment. She also sent DSD to us with a fungal infection under her arm untreated, bc she doesn't wash their swimsuits regularly. When I called her to get the docs number to get a referral she said to just go to CVS minute clinic and that it was covered. Well it wasn't, and now that the $50 tab was mailed to her houseshe is hounding DH to pay it. She never pays DH back for her half of the plane tix for the kids either. She just says she can't afford it even though her take home pay is now more than his. She is just so cheap and manipulative and uses the kids to extort money from us. I just hate it.

Sigh. It would be really great if women could, for once, put them in the shoes of the other woman, the ex. I'm sure your husband's ex, no matter how much he would like to make things appear that way, is not an evil troll hell-bent on bringing your husband down. Raising a kid is fucking EXPENSIVE. She has EVERY right to ask your husband for half of expenses. if she has primary custody, you can bet your ass her expenses are more than $500 a month. Maybe she didnt notice the lice- you have no way of knowing for sure that she did. I think often with divorces it becomes less about the real issue of whether something is expensive or not and more about "the principle of the thing"- aka, I want to win and I want my partner to absolutely come out the loser. I worked in family law and the stuff we would see was laughable. People would go into getting a divorce, fully expecting to get full custody (with no visitation from their ex), ALL of the assets, and for it to cost them no money. Please... it's so unrealistic that it's mind boggling. That's not how divorce works. Your husband CHOSE to have children with this woman and in doing so he had to know (unless he's a damn fool) that he was linking himself to her for life, or for the rest of his children's lives, legally and financially, if not emotionally as well. I really can't stand cry-baby people who earn more than their ex and then bitch and moan about having to pay them support. If you didnt expect that, you shouldn't have gotten married, plain and simple.

And before you throw this woman under the bus for sticking up for herself and the financial needs of her children, maybe you should consider that, since half of all marriages end in divorce, that might be you someday. And imagine how it would feel to have to call up your annoying ex and see him whine about every measly cent he gives you. And how incredibly emotionally draining that would be. You should be the one telling your husband to be kind and mature to her, and I'm guessing the relationship dynamic you two have with his ex would improve vastly, and so would the lives of the children.

"As for her half of the plane tickets, have you tried just deducting it from other payments and explaining why, very matter-of-factly? "Dear Jane, enclosed is a check for the 50% of Junior's braces and soccer camp, less the $750 you owe us for the shared expense of their flights last month. Best, John."

Yes this is the route DH will go this year.

While I do feel your pain and find your gripes valid, I do agree with the poster who said you should've considered the weight of his baggage before marrying him .

It really is too draining.

Don't know what else to tell you toots!

Anonymous wrote:Well, I really love him and the kids are pretty great. The lice thing was...not cool.

The lice thing is what makes me think you just don't get it. They are kids. Kids are expensive and things come up. Kids get lice. It comes and goes. It costs $15 to get a lice comb. Just do it and stop bitching.

There is no physical trauma from lice.