My perspective will probably be helpful to OP. I've been in the same state government lawyer job (struggling with the boredom) for 14 years and my kids are 11 and 7. There have been ups and downs (major exhaustion issues after #2) and continuing boredom with a shrinking niche that I'm in as well as an over-crowded larger job market (fear can set in about the ability to ever do something else).

But in the bigger picture, it's all worked out and I really couldn't have handled a "bigger" job in the last decade - entertained thoughts of being a "big" trial attorney etc.

I've found that women with the big jobs tend to see working as "all or nothing" - big law is too much so they end up opting-out all together.

There was one year where we had to pay daycare costs x2 before public pre-k started, but during that year I was also paying for the family's medical insurance and contributing towards my pension even though the costs were overtaking my salary.

I'm brainstorming ways to keep myself engaged with my work and possibly developing new skills for future. I do have some screenplay ideas that I keep a notebook going when I get inspired. Trying to take advantage of any free tuition/continuing ed example.

I have many bored co-workers too - trying to not sink with them. It's a challenge to be above the fray sometimes.

Two of my supervisors are in their 60's and 70's - there may be a long road ahead for all if us younger people.

Trying to trust the process.....

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Also, I think this interview sums it up nicely. Yes, some women (like one or two of the PPs) do manage to have flexible, yet well-paying jobs that are also careers, but in reality, the choice is career vs. family, and between 30 and 40 yo, the two are completely at odds.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/07/why-pepsico-ceo-indra-k-nooyi-cant-have-it-all/373750/

This is bullshit. The vast majority of parents, male or female, do not and never will have, kids or no kids, careers like the president of Pepsi. What we can do is make a good six figure salary while making the ball games and plays our children are in. I've done it for 15 years with zero extended family support, but a ton of support from my husband and, for five years, a full time nanny. You just have to accept that your career is as a director or VP, not as a senior VP. Small price to pay for being an involved and active parent.

Also, I think this interview sums it up nicely. Yes, some women (like one or two of the PPs) do manage to have flexible, yet well-paying jobs that are also careers, but in reality, the choice is career vs. family, and between 30 and 40 yo, the two are completely at odds.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/07/why-pepsico-ceo-indra-k-nooyi-cant-have-it-all/373750/

Anonymous wrote:Stay. I'm a mom to a 2 year old and 3 month old. Can't work from home. Commute 1 hour each way. I hate it. I would do anything to have a job like yours. My husband is the one that primarily handles doctor's visits, sick days, etc. I love that he can do it, but I wish I could do it more. I would take a boring, stable job with flexibility in a heartbeat.

Good luck to you and your husband on starting a family.

+1

Where can one find a boring, stable, but flexible government job these days? I work in BigLaw with a toddler and one on the way - not sure I'll be able to keep up with it once #2 is born. And even though I went back to my former attorney position, my career has undoubtedly still taken a hit, as I am not able to keep up with the hours, need to take days off when DS is sick, etc.

There is a part of me that reads the college alumni notes and feels like a complete slacker in comparison. However, there is another part of me that remembers my mom saying no one is irreplaceable at work. If you drop dead of a heart attack tomorrow while your co-workers would be sad, the boss would be looking to put someone else in the same seat before your chair is cold.

So my thought is that you don't look at it as an all or nothing. Had the first 5-10 years focused in my career. I made some really good choices that set me up for the type of flexible, well-paying job I have now. My kids are almost at the age that I can take on more responsibility at work. While they were young there was just so much to do with bottle prep, laundry, feeding etc plus teaching them to dress themselves, feed themselves, use the bathroom, not have meltdowns when you say no etc. And having time for the fun stuff like playing,talking to them, and reading to them. Elementary years are homework,activities, and lots of volunteering. So 10-12 years I'm trying to maintain at a family friendly job. As they get older there is less I need to do. So I have another 14-15 years of work where I can kick it into a higher gear. The key though is I had only two and they are fairly close together (18 months apart). While that was really hard in the beginning, I'm now 41 and starting to think of the next step in my career.

I do know what I'm doing is very important on a smaller scale and do care about doing a good job, so I feel bad that it came out the wrong way!

No need to feel bad! I was just suggesting that thinking about it differently might help you to like the job better for the remaining time you are there.

I think we've been pretty unanimous for you here, OP, and I wish you the best. You may find that if and when you have kids your circle of friends will change, and you will no longer feel like a slacker by comparison. Also, some of your hard-driving friends may decide to have kids later in their 30s and drop out of those ambitious career tracks. You just never know. But you've already won the new-parent lottery if you have a flexible professional job.

Anonymous wrote:I think my very boring, sometimes I can stand it no more job is what's helping keep my family going. I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old and while my husband does work until 11pm, I can basically leave my job at the office (aside from a brief busy time of the year).

The pros:
It pays for half a gym membership that I use over lunch.
I can start at my preferred time of 6.45am.
There's a variety of schedules offered. I choose the maxi-flex schedule so I can work longer one day to take off early another.
I telework 50%.
Very soon, they should be offering up to 80% telework.
I am known and respected.

The cons:
Boring. Boring. Boring. Some of it is fulfilling but most of it is just paper-pushing.
It's complex, but only in the beginning until you get the hang of it.

What field are you in? I need some options/hope.

I think my very boring, sometimes I can stand it no more job is what's helping keep my family going. I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old and while my husband does work until 11pm, I can basically leave my job at the office (aside from a brief busy time of the year).

The pros:
It pays for half a gym membership that I use over lunch.
I can start at my preferred time of 6.45am.
There's a variety of schedules offered. I choose the maxi-flex schedule so I can work longer one day to take off early another.
I telework 50%.
Very soon, they should be offering up to 80% telework.
I am known and respected.

The cons:
Boring. Boring. Boring. Some of it is fulfilling but most of it is just paper-pushing.
It's complex, but only in the beginning until you get the hang of it.

Anonymous wrote:Reading back on this thread, OP -- I also think you have to be honest with yourself. You ahev had the last five years to change things up, and you did not. Now, when you're getting ready to have a baby, you feel the window closing and are panicking a bit. But if you did not feel the burn enough to get the ball rolling before, to be a realist, I HIGHLY doubt you are going to get it going with small kids. Even the most ambitious women struggle a bit. TBH, it sounds more like you have a bit of life acceptance to do, and to get comfortable with your choices, which we all have to do at this point in career and with kids. Its hard, I know, and it is not like you are never going to be able to make a change! I just re-read your post and getting married and decorating a house, while totally valid and great undertakings, would probably not deter the really ambitious. And maybe that is really the heart of it, a little more self exploration. I am a big firm refugee and I know I just had to accept that I am not really that into busting my as$. I thought I was in law school, but, nope. And I am so cool with that now. Just food for thought.

Oh man, me too. I think there are a lot of us

Anonymous wrote:Reading back on this thread, OP -- I also think you have to be honest with yourself. You ahev had the last five years to change things up, and you did not. Now, when you're getting ready to have a baby, you feel the window closing and are panicking a bit. But if you did not feel the burn enough to get the ball rolling before, to be a realist, I HIGHLY doubt you are going to get it going with small kids. Even the most ambitious women struggle a bit. TBH, it sounds more like you have a bit of life acceptance to do, and to get comfortable with your choices, which we all have to do at this point in career and with kids. Its hard, I know, and it is not like you are never going to be able to make a change! I just re-read your post and getting married and decorating a house, while totally valid and great undertakings, would probably not deter the really ambitious. And maybe that is really the heart of it, a little more self exploration. I am a big firm refugee and I know I just had to accept that I am not really that into busting my as$. I thought I was in law school, but, nope. And I am so cool with that now. Just food for thought.

+1
OP, you don't seen the type who is all that ambitious. In all likelihood, you will be even less so when the kids come.

Not only is it good for starting a family, it is good for maintaining one. I took a more demanding attorney job when my son was 4, and basically, I wound up seeing him one day a week. Thank goodness I was able to get hired back by my former agency within 2 years.

Reading back on this thread, OP -- I also think you have to be honest with yourself. You ahev had the last five years to change things up, and you did not. Now, when you're getting ready to have a baby, you feel the window closing and are panicking a bit. But if you did not feel the burn enough to get the ball rolling before, to be a realist, I HIGHLY doubt you are going to get it going with small kids. Even the most ambitious women struggle a bit. TBH, it sounds more like you have a bit of life acceptance to do, and to get comfortable with your choices, which we all have to do at this point in career and with kids. Its hard, I know, and it is not like you are never going to be able to make a change! I just re-read your post and getting married and decorating a house, while totally valid and great undertakings, would probably not deter the really ambitious. And maybe that is really the heart of it, a little more self exploration. I am a big firm refugee and I know I just had to accept that I am not really that into busting my as$. I thought I was in law school, but, nope. And I am so cool with that now. Just food for thought.

YES

It has also been very helpful even after the kids are a little older. My job has so much flexibility and I am overqualified so it is easy to get things done, but it has enabled me to:

Take days off when the kids don't have school
Go to their school for mid-day games/activities/awards
Manage my father's illness and eventual death, funeral, selling of the house, moving my mom to another community
Care for my best friend with breast cancer.
Having a life outside of work.