Anonymous
10/16/2014 09:33
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
You seemed closed off, pp. Putting a little too much "power" into the words ILY.
I don't think the poster is closed off. In fact, I think that "I love you" is thrown around too casually these days--mostly due to fake social networking sentiments.
ILY is a strong sentiment and feeling forced to return a superficial gesture can be quite awkward.
+1
Some of us aren't very demonstrative, particularly to those we aren't related to or close to. I don't want to feel forced into saying "I love you." It doesn't mean we're cold or unfeeling. I have love for my in-laws and care about them a great deal. I don't feel the need to say "i love you" every time we say goodbye. It just feels fake.
Anonymous
10/16/2014 09:26
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm with you. My MIL says it all the time and it really feels wrong. In my case she is chronic boundary violator. The ILY feels like a power play to me. And frankly I don't love her. I see good parts of her, I know she is a good grandmother who loves her grandchildren but she has said and done too many negative things for me. A friendly and respectful relationship is all she is getting from me.
OP here. Wow! I didn't realize my random post would generate such comments.
Background: my MIL is a huge, huge, boundary violator... she also has several relatively serious and diagnosed (but not always as treated with the proper doses of meds) mental disorders. She is wonderful in many ways, but there is a big context here which I didn't get into in my original post. So, I agree, "I love you" from many people isn't a biggy, but from her there is a background of manipulation and she just isn't someone I feel safe allowing to be super close. Still the actual words themselves aren't the issue.
Anyway, thanks
Anonymous
10/15/2014 10:23
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
OP, I'm with you. My MIL says it all the time and it really feels wrong. In my case she is chronic boundary violator. The ILY feels like a power play to me. And frankly I don't love her. I see good parts of her, I know she is a good grandmother who loves her grandchildren but she has said and done too many negative things for me. A friendly and respectful relationship is all she is getting from me.
Anonymous
10/11/2014 22:16
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
You seemed closed off, pp. Putting a little too much "power" into the words ILY.
I don't think the poster is closed off. In fact, I think that "I love you" is thrown around too casually these days--mostly due to fake social networking sentiments.
ILY is a strong sentiment and feeling forced to return a superficial gesture can be quite awkward.
Anonymous
10/11/2014 21:45
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
You seemed closed off, pp. Putting a little too much "power" into the words ILY.
Agree.
Anonymous
10/11/2014 19:48
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
You seemed closed off, pp. Putting a little too much "power" into the words ILY.
Anonymous
10/11/2014 16:52
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
Don't yyou have friends you love?
Anonymous
10/11/2014 15:26
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
"We love y'all too." Makes it feel less icky somehow.
Anonymous
10/11/2014 09:03
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
1. Do NOT say "I love you." unless you mean it. If you do not love her, do not say "Love you, too." just to please her or to build good family relationships.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
2. If you don't want to just ignore her saying it (which is very sweet!) you can say "Thank you."
I don't think I could and would want to ever say "I love you." to anyone but my parents, siblings, husband and children. Those are the strongest words next to "I hate you." and to me they are reserved for VERY special people in my life. I don't say them lightly. I mean them when I say them. I can accept when someone voices their love for me - but I do not feel obligated to reply in the same way at all.
Anonymous
10/07/2014 21:24
Subject: Re:MIL always saying I love you
I am a MIL. I think I will say to my DIL, when I am finished talking to her, now hang up bitch and take care of my son. Oh wait....that would not work. I'll play the game and act like she is a classy young lady who knows how to treat her husband's family. I will pump her ego so she does not block me from a relationship with my son and my Grandkids. She's all about her ego. Poor thing will never know.
Anonymous
09/26/2014 17:47
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't a big problem in the scheme of things... but...
I have a MIL who always says "I love you" whenever we say goodbye. I feel that awkward moment like when you are dating someone and you don't want to say it back. Ironically I probably do love her in some ways, but...
I don't know. What to do?
Good lord. MILs can't win. Unfortunately for me, I have only sons, so I will have DILs. Hopefully I won't have DILs like this. Geez.
There's a chance DIL will not feel as close to you as her own mother, even if they don't have a great relationship. There's a chance your sons will not make the same effort to stay in touch with you, keep you in the loop, tell you the latest about the kids, maintain the type of bond you feel now. There is a chance your sons will take her side, defend her when you can't see what part you played in some family misunderstanding. If you are able to live with that, treat DIL as an adult equal to yourself, (bonus points for NOT trying to turn her into the daughter you never had) and appreciate that she and your son can grow their family in a way you may not like or be comfortable with, then I wish you well. You're further along then some MILs described here.
I hope you are able to create a good relationship with the women your sons go out into the world and find and build their lives with.
Hopefully, you raise your sons to be kind and loving men who chose kind and loving women to marry and not the vindictive witches of dcum.
Anonymous
09/26/2014 14:20
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't a big problem in the scheme of things... but...
I have a MIL who always says "I love you" whenever we say goodbye. I feel that awkward moment like when you are dating someone and you don't want to say it back. Ironically I probably do love her in some ways, but...
I don't know. What to do?
Good lord. MILs can't win. Unfortunately for me, I have only sons, so I will have DILs. Hopefully I won't have DILs like this. Geez.
There's a chance DIL will not feel as close to you as her own mother, even if they don't have a great relationship. There's a chance your sons will not make the same effort to stay in touch with you, keep you in the loop, tell you the latest about the kids, maintain the type of bond you feel now. There is a chance your sons will take her side, defend her when you can't see what part you played in some family misunderstanding. If you are able to live with that, treat DIL as an adult equal to yourself, (bonus points for NOT trying to turn her into the daughter you never had) and appreciate that she and your son can grow their family in a way you may not like or be comfortable with, then I wish you well. You're further along then some MILs described here.
I hope you are able to create a good relationship with the women your sons go out into the world and find and build their lives with.
Anonymous
09/26/2014 11:40
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't a big problem in the scheme of things... but...
I have a MIL who always says "I love you" whenever we say goodbye. I feel that awkward moment like when you are dating someone and you don't want to say it back. Ironically I probably do love her in some ways, but...
I don't know. What to do?
Good lord. MILs can't win. Unfortunately for me, I have only sons, so I will have DILs. Hopefully I won't have DILs like this. Geez.
+1
The things that people come up with to complain about. This woman isn't crossing any boundaries. She loves you and is expressing that love. If you don't feel the same way, hug her or say something reciprocal-ish that you ARE comfortable with. You have someone in your life who cares about you. This is not a problem.
Anonymous
09/26/2014 11:38
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't a big problem in the scheme of things... but...
I have a MIL who always says "I love you" whenever we say goodbye. I feel that awkward moment like when you are dating someone and you don't want to say it back. Ironically I probably do love her in some ways, but...
I don't know. What to do?
Good lord. MILs can't win. Unfortunately for me, I have only sons, so I will have DILs. Hopefully I won't have DILs like this. Geez.
Anonymous
09/26/2014 11:34
Subject: MIL always saying I love you
I'd come up with a response that you can live with.
her: "I love you"
you: "Love you."
her: "I love you"
you: "Love you."