Your posts are so sad, OP. First of all, you need to take care of yourself. Focus on your needs and those of your child. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise as much as you can, limit sweets, caffeine and alcohol. For your mind to function well, your body has to be well.

Just ignore your DH as much as possible. I know it's difficult, but just do it. Don't include him in anything. Talk to him as little as possible. Don't bother arguing with him. Heed the pps who told you to get your finances in order. Open a PO Box at a nearby post office and open accounts in your name only, and have the statements sent there. Deposit your pay into your accounts. Start taking money out of joint accounts (your share only) and putting it into your accounts. Don't use online banking or he'll see the accounts if you share computers (or even if you don't, he can snoop). Talk to a lawyer. Don't say a word to him. It will be difficult, OP, but not nearly as difficult as the half-life you are living now, submerged in debt and beholden to a man who completely disrespects you. Start cleaning up your house to get it ready to sell. Don't tell him what you are doing, just do it bit by bit. Hire workers to come during the day and pay them in cash. Ditto housekeeper.

You'll get through this, OP. Your marriage should not be making you sick. BTW, it's not really a marriage, it's a dysfunctional co-dependent cohabitation that needs to end. Best of luck to you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:And by do this- I mean I need to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Why doesn't he just leave?

He doesn't leave because he still gets something from your marriage. I don't know what -- predictability? Structure? Who knows. But it doesn't matter. What you know is that he does NOT love you - - he may have texted that he does, but his every action screams differently. If he would go to counseling maybe you have a chance. But I think you are right that you should focus on what you need to do to break away from the unhealthy relationship. Stop asking why he doesn't leave. That's being passive. YOU take charge of your life and decide what you want. Stop looking to him to make decisions for you. It's YOUR life and you're wasting it twisting yourself into a pretzel for someone who shows such disdain for your feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for everything.
My husband says that me preventing him from doing these things he wants to do is going to cause resentment and push him away from our relationship.
What relationship? I am so finished with this. And now he just sent me a text saying he loves me.
Believe me, it is clear to me he doesn't, but I have been married for over 20 years, I will be nearing 50 soon, and have reached a breaking point. I physically can not do this

It is clear that you guys need counseling because you are unable to talk to each other realistically about these things.

When you go to counseling, you will have to figure out what you would need to stay in this marriage. You will have to be honest about your feelings. Your husband will also have to figure out what he needs to stay in the marriage. He will have to be honest about his feelings and his actions. It is outrageous to me that he does not understand that his relationship with his secretary and their happy hours is detracting from his ability to have a relationship with you. He needs to recognize that this behavior is inappropriate.

In the end, though, you need to figure out if there's anything he can do that will make you want to be married to him again. Otherwise there is no point in making him jump through hoops to win your trust and affection.

And by do this- I mean I need to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Why doesn't he just leave?

Thank you again for everything.
My husband says that me preventing him from doing these things he wants to do is going to cause resentment and push him away from our relationship.
What relationship? I am so finished with this. And now he just sent me a text saying he loves me.
Believe me, it is clear to me he doesn't, but I have been married for over 20 years, I will be nearing 50 soon, and have reached a breaking point. I physically can not do this

Anonymous wrote:My husband has asked me to stop saying he goes to Happy hour with her. He says they are just stopping for a drink after work.

They are going on dates together after work. It really doesn't matter whether or not they are having sex. This is NOT normal workplace behavior, not in any job I've ever had. More importantly, it hurts you, and yet he keeps doing it.

You really don't need any more information, OP. You really don't.

Anonymous wrote:Darn auto correct * he would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage

Well, this is preposterous on its face, OP. He's doing things to jeopordize your marriage every day. Failing to work together on the household is jeopardizing the marriage. "Going ballistic" on a regular basis is jeopardizing the marriage. Socializing with a person of the opposite sex with alcohol when, presumably, he chooses not to socialize with his own wife is jeopardizing the marriage. You don't need to "prove" anything beyond the fact that he regularly disregards your happiness and fails to work together as a partner with you.

What does a lack of savings have to do with getting a divorce? Life is short, OP. Very very short. Do you want to spend it totally unhappy, and shorten it prematurely due to stress and dishonesty and disrespect? You have a job. You can support yourself. Get out now while you still have some good years left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay put and plan and prepare. You don't just jump up and leave. Lay low, keep quiet, take care of yourself and your teen still at home. Let them get through the school year without upheavals.

Meanwhile, if your husband won't handle the finances and bills, you do it. Even if you're already doing everything. There's no rule that men have to be the ones to do the finances. You need to take control over the finances anyway.

Think of everything with an eye to being on your own. Get the house in good repair now, while you have combined income. Get your debts organized with an eye to how they will be handled when you split. Seems like consulting a lawyer would be good for planning.

If your credit is shot, and you don't make much, you will not be able to rent an apartment yourself. So plan accordingly and don't jump the gun.

+1
Don't tell him anything, think and plan.

+1000 He has mentally checked out of the marriage and now, you need to do so as well. Focus on you and your future. Build up whatever savings you can in your own name and don't worry about the bills in his name only (unless you are legally responsible for them in your state). Don't wait for him to come home and schedule your time with a focus on you and your children, not worrying about whether or not he will be present. Don't expect him to do anything, as you'll just be setting yourself disappointment. Set a target date and leave. Good luck OP. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Sorry OP. Have just gone through something similar, except my husband couldn't keep a job. It's crazy making, and he's clearly gaslighting you to make you think it's your fault. Who the hell knows why? It doesn't really matter. It's time to take care of yourself and your kids. You are already broke, so you can be just as broke without him. He's already gone, so make a plan and leave. Time to take care of yourself. You can do this.

Going to Happy Hour 3-5 times per week with his secretary is ridiculous. He is almost certainly having an affair and he seems to have no respect for you.

That being said, bills are both of your responsibilities. You seem to be too dependent on him and, as others have mentioned, you should take this time to separate your financial affairs.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has asked me to stop saying he goes to Happy hour with her. He says they are just stopping for a drink after work.

Happy hour = the time between 4pm and 7pm when there are drink specials, specifically designed for people stopping for a drink after work.

He IS going to happy hour. He is also going on dates with his secretary and does not see a problem with this.

leave him. He is cheating with his secretary for sure. Do you want to stay with a cheater? Sounds like a prick to me

Anonymous wrote:He's right. Stop telling people they are going to Happy Hour. Just tell them that your DH is now dating his secretary.

It's more accurate anyway.

Agree

He's right. Stop telling people they are going to Happy Hour. Just tell them that your DH is now dating his secretary.

It's more accurate anyway.

Oh, and also, lunch doesn't count .

My husband has asked me to stop saying he goes to Happy hour with her. He says they are just stopping for a drink after work.