I can't help but lead

In good classes you change partners after each dance. That way, you really learn how to lead. If you just dance with each other, you just learn each other's idiosyncrasies. Even if the woman feels you are leading badly she should follow. Otherwise, you wind up with the "low intermediate" problem. This is what happens when a low intermediate woman dances with a man taught by a different instructor. No two instructors teach the same. The low intermediate woman will say "you're doing it wrong!" A good female dancer will follow whatever the man leads, good or bad.

I understand her not wanting to follow if you didn't know the steps, but the answer is obviously not for her to take the lead but to help you learn so you could properly lead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the popcorn guy?

I'm thinking it is. OP of other strange treads, too.

OP here.

No I'm not the popcorn guy although his wife sounds just line mine

Anonymous wrote:Are you the popcorn guy?

I'm thinking it is. OP of other strange treads, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was constantly, publically belittling and criticizing his wife over some trivial activity, this place would be unanimous that it was abuse, and that she would be completely justified in leaving the situation.

You seem to be extrapolating. The OP said his wife criticized his lack of ability to lead in salsa dancing. He left her on the dance floor. He provided no further insight into their relationship.

And you've just described what the women here would do if they found gender roles reversed. Without knowing more, he would be "at fault."

Oh good Lord. It's just so hard to be a man these days. Boo hoo. Maybe you could create DCUD and complain about all of us terrible wives and how all we want is to use you for money and children and how you only get sex when Venus is in the third house of Saturn. Oh wait, but it's more fun to come onto a (mostly) moms' website and tell us how awful and hypocritical we are.

Another example of "angry woman" who blames men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was constantly, publically belittling and criticizing his wife over some trivial activity, this place would be unanimous that it was abuse, and that she would be completely justified in leaving the situation.

You seem to be extrapolating. The OP said his wife criticized his lack of ability to lead in salsa dancing. He left her on the dance floor. He provided no further insight into their relationship.

And you've just described what the women here would do if they found gender roles reversed. Without knowing more, he would be "at fault."

Oh good Lord. It's just so hard to be a man these days. Boo hoo. Maybe you could create DCUD and complain about all of us terrible wives and how all we want is to use you for money and children and how you only get sex when Venus is in the third house of Saturn. Oh wait, but it's more fun to come onto a (mostly) moms' website and tell us how awful and hypocritical we are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was constantly, publically belittling and criticizing his wife over some trivial activity, this place would be unanimous that it was abuse, and that she would be completely justified in leaving the situation.

You seem to be extrapolating. The OP said his wife criticized his lack of ability to lead in salsa dancing. He left her on the dance floor. He provided no further insight into their relationship.

And you've just described what the women here would do if they found gender roles reversed. Without knowing more, he would be "at fault."

Anonymous wrote:If the OP was constantly, publically belittling and criticizing his wife over some trivial activity, this place would be unanimous that it was abuse, and that she would be completely justified in leaving the situation.

You seem to be extrapolating. The OP said his wife criticized his lack of ability to lead in salsa dancing. He left her on the dance floor. He provided no further insight into their relationship.

This isn't about salsa, dancing, or leading. This is about two supposed partners, doing something for the first time and not able to enjoy it mutually. Telling sign......

If the OP was constantly, publically belittling and criticizing his wife over some trivial activity, this place would be unanimous that it was abuse, and that she would be completely justified in leaving the situation.

I took tango lessons, and the instructors did not let us dance with the same person through the class. The instructor should have you dance with different people, not just your wife.

That said, while your wife could have handled it better, I'm with 14:57 that learning to dance with a partner who is a weak leader is awful. The fact that you left her on the floor just makes you look silly and kind of loses you the high ground here.

Anonymous wrote:OP I would suggest not taking group classes until you have basics (like leading) under your belt. Private lessons are the best. We improve 10x quicker with those versus group classes.

+1. Private lessons sound good here. Swallow your pride, sign up for lessons on your own and then come back to her in a few months and razzle dazzle her with your footwork. Literally sweep her off her feet! She'll appreciate it, trust me!!

Taking kids really anytime. I'd go to dinner and everything would fall apart with a call within an hour of my being gone asking when I would be home. I work hard now that the kids are in elementary school to not be resentful of that time. And yes, I talked with him repeatedly about it at the time. Anyway just some empathy for your friend. You ultimately can't make anyone do anything and I know it sucks.

Many years ago, my DH and I took ballroom classes. I had a very hard time not leading. Not because I knew how to lead, but because (a) DH is not a good dancer and (b) I didn't really understand the concept of leading. He has come to see this as a moral failing of mine - I can't let him lead. (He is very type A, not comfortable when not in control.) From reading posts, it seems that it may be a skill, not just to lead but to follow. Interesting. Not a moral failing of mine at all but just never taught? Will have to reframe it next time it comes up in therapy!