Anonymous wrote:I always thought this was weird, but all of DHs in laws call his parents mom and dad. (He is one of five). I am not rude about it and do it occasionally out of respect, but I call them by name. Just curious if others do this.

Not married, however:

I could never ever call another woman "Mum" or even "Mother". My Mum is the only Mum I'll ever have and I love her so much I could never give that special title to anyone else, no matter how fond I were of them or how faboulously we got along with each other. I'd call a theoretical MIL FirstName or whatever else she'd like to be called, except for Mum, and I would make it very clear very early into the relationship.

As for a theoretical father in law... well, given the kind of person my father is, if this man made me feel like a daughter, I might call him Father or Dad if he wishes to. Just not Papa as it's too similar to the word used for dads in my mothertongue and I don't associate good things with that word.

I do, unfortunately, but we had a major fall out and now I want to call them by their first name...

No, but they want me to. I try to avoid calling them anything, because I know first names bother them. If my FIL is telling me a story about MIL, he'll say, "Sandra was on her way home..." And she'll interject, "you mean Mom."

Anonymous wrote:I went to call her Joan after our wedding and my new MIL said, "You may call me Mrs. Bernstein." So that's what I call her. To her face.

What were you calling her b/f the wedding?

I call my mother-in-law 'Mom' but DH calls my mom by her first name. I'd been married maybe 12 years before I started calling her that; FWIW, she was absolutely thrilled.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling someone who is not your mom "mom" seems weird to me... creepy, actually. Even my have-no-border ILs didn't suggest this (and if they did, I would say no thanks). Obviously there is enough love to go around but I don't get the idea of calling someone a title that they don't have... frankly it seems a little incestuous; I was raised most of my life until marriage thinking that the person who calls my mom and dad "mom and dad" is my sibling, not my husband...

I agree. A mother's role (and title) is singular. The intense mother/child relationship develops over many years and entails a degree of intimacy on a day-to-day basis that is not comparable to any other relationship, really. I love e.g. my BFF and my DH, but the love is vastly different from the love I have for my mother.

My DH's mother is my DH's mother. Full stop. She's not my mother, not even close. Even if I loved her deeply (I don't), why would I call her by that name?

My MIL is more of a mom to me than my biological mom, so I call her mom.

No, no way, not ever, nohow, and they wanted me to. I found it weird for me (I have parents) and weirdly depersonalizing for them. So it was Mr. and Mrs. For four years until the wedding, then first names as sparingly as possible until after we had kids. Now they get the cutesy grandparent names which are names I never called my own GPs so not invested with any meaning. I don't like it but it's sort of a compromise.

DH calls my parents by their first names and we're all happy about that.

Interesting point the pp made about a sibling calling your parents "Mom/Dad" rather than your husband saying that. I have to agree. My parents are not his and vice versa. And underscoring that these are the generational divides (they are all the parents "Mom/Dad" and DH and I are grouped as the children) just sets up an uneven situation. We're not equal adults, we are still subordinates.

My MIL is only a dozen years older than I am. I end up not calling her anything, because she pushes me to call her Mom, and it feels wrong and awkward to me for a lot of reasons.

To make it worse, she's from a culture where everyone uses titles for everyone (including strangers), and they get very offended about these things. They get offended about which titles you use, about how you pronounce their names, how you do everything. Normally I adapt to however people do things, but in this case, after years of trying, I gave up and just play dumb American. They seem to excuse me now, since I'm obviously hopeless.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And my DH also calls my parents "Mom and Dad." I like it a lot but then we both get along very well with our ILs - I love mine almost as much as I do my own parents.

Also, in more general terms - back when we got married, ILs told me I can call them that and I am a great believer in calling people what they want to be called. It makes them happy and it's just a label anyway.

Also, forgot to add - I am not American, so I don't call my own mother and father "Mom and Dad" but different words. Not sure if that plays a role. But DH is American and has no problem calling my parents Mom and Dad so...

Yes. And my DH also calls my parents "Mom and Dad." I like it a lot but then we both get along very well with our ILs - I love mine almost as much as I do my own parents.

Also, in more general terms - back when we got married, ILs told me I can call them that and I am a great believer in calling people what they want to be called. It makes them happy and it's just a label anyway.

Yuck. No.

I went to call her Joan after our wedding and my new MIL said, "You may call me Mrs. Bernstein." So that's what I call her. To her face.

I used first names. My SIL uses mom and dad with my parents. At first I thought it sounded weird but now I think it's kind of sweet.

She's first generation here and family, extended family ties are still very strong. I think she uses mom and dad as a sign of respect for her elders.

Anonymous wrote:Calling someone who is not your mom "mom" seems weird to me... creepy, actually. Even my have-no-border ILs didn't suggest this (and if they did, I would say no thanks). Obviously there is enough love to go around but I don't get the idea of calling someone a title that they don't have... frankly it seems a little incestuous; I was raised most of my life until marriage thinking that the person who calls my mom and dad "mom and dad" is my sibling, not my husband...

I agree. A mother's role (and title) is singular. The intense mother/child relationship develops over many years and entails a degree of intimacy on a day-to-day basis that is not comparable to any other relationship, really. I love e.g. my BFF and my DH, but the love is vastly different from the love I have for my mother.

My DH's mother is my DH's mother. Full stop. She's not my mother, not even close. Even if I loved her deeply (I don't), why would I call her by that name?