Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel OP. When I had baby #2, he was a preemie and in the NICU for a week. My mom went on a ski vacation and didn't even call for several days to see how the baby was.

No cell towers. Why should She call. She was on vacation. Her world does not revolve around you, your k u ds, or your problems.

I had no sympathy you and after reading ," we were pregnant," now understand why your mother chose not to change her plans! He is not pregnant.

I understand how you feel OP. When I had baby #2, he was a preemie and in the NICU for a week. My mom went on a ski vacation and didn't even call for several days to see how the baby was.

OP,

I'm sorry that your mom isn't willing to help out. My mom died before she got to see a single grand child, and she told me that she wanted to help me raise my kids. I have two kids now, and we've had no family help ever (not even a single hour) even with the first unplanned c-section recovery which was very rough. My MIL is a very selfish woman who expects people to treat her like a guest even when someone is recovering from delivery (i.e., happened to my SIL).

My mom nearly 60 wouldn't and doesn't help either. Doesn't want to and lives walking distance away. I do resent it bc I know her day to day is empty, and makes me feel she doesn't love us. All I'd need is a few weeks of help for even a few hrs a day.

Anyway I've just learned to be independent and not take it personal. She doesn't have the desire so what can I do. But I also establish boundaries with her bc I feel it's only fair. Ie, she likes coming over whenever but doesnt help at all and makes a mess and leaves.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my husband is on a ship that he received orders to after we were pregnant and he has to deploy with the ship for a training exercise. It was announced not long ago. I don't think I am special and understand the realities of being a military spouse. I also know that if the tables were turned, I would have definitely rescheduled an important work meeting or social engagement to help out for a week. That is what I need to let go of and just take her for who she is and what is important in her life.

You truly need to grow up. I was trying to cut you a break, but you continue to post the comments of a petulant preschooler.
At this stage of life , I want to do FOR my mom. Have you thought about a she did to raise you and how great it is she now had time to do for herself?!
All I can say is that in 25 years I hope all your kids are not having babies all at tbs same time.
Then what will you do, clone yourself so you can be the martyred grandma there at all times for all of your kids AT THE SAME TIME??
Good luck with that sister . I look forward to reading your kids' DCUM posts bitching about you.

Stop being a spoiled brat, now you can blame your mommy for that.

Anonymous wrote:OP again- I also think it is related to overall priorities. We always welcome her anytime- she usually visits for about 3 or 4 days twice a year- and usually those days are during the week- like- ok- I am going to come visit Tuesday and leave Saturday morning- so I take off work to spend time with her when it is convenient for her to come. I always take vacation time off work to take the kids to see her when I can and when she says she is available for us to visit. I think I just wish she cared more about family relationships- when my sister had a baby this spring- I was the one there helping her and doing all I could to help and I know that when my mom does end up needing me- I will do all that I am able to do to help. I guess I need to accept the fact that we are different people and have different priorities in life.

Just a hug, OP.

I am sorry your mom isn't more involved.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my husband is on a ship that he received orders to after we were pregnant and he has to deploy with the ship for a training exercise. It was announced not long ago. I don't think I am special and understand the realities of being a military spouse. I also know that if the tables were turned, I would have definitely rescheduled an important work meeting or social engagement to help out for a week. That is what I need to let go of and just take her for who she is and what is important in her life.

It's the bolded that makes you sound awful. You know you're important to her. What she may see is, you have time to line up childcare yet you want her to drop everything for you. Your having a baby (and not your first) not having sudden life threatening surgery. This isn't new, you need to behave like an adult and get your necessities taken care of, not expect them to be taken care of for you.

Aren't there huge networks of social support in the military community?

MIL always had help. Which of course, explains why she refused to help us, but in our case, it was just as well.

OP, I feel for you, but you and your husband knew that deployment was a possibility. I am not trying to guilt trip or shame or anything, but the choices you two make as a couple, are for the two of you to deal with. If you expected your mom to help, it would have been best to bring this up with her ahead of time - ie, "in the event that DH is deployed and we have another child, would you be available to help, mom? what time do you think you could give?"

But this this discussion wasn't had, it seems very unfair to expect your mom to change what's going on in her life - big or small. Your mom also has her own life now. Feel the hurt now, but please do let it go and move on from those let down expectations.

OP here- my husband is on a ship that he received orders to after we were pregnant and he has to deploy with the ship for a training exercise. It was announced not long ago. I don't think I am special and understand the realities of being a military spouse. I also know that if the tables were turned, I would have definitely rescheduled an important work meeting or social engagement to help out for a week. That is what I need to let go of and just take her for who she is and what is important in her life.

OP, I understand that you feel hurt. But at the same time, you're an adult. You and your husband's adult choice to have three children, wasn't your mom's choice. So why do you expect her to step in for choices she didn't make? You know what having children involves. You have to bear the burden of your choices, and not expect others - including your mother - to drop everything to help you.

This isn't like a sudden, emergency medically necessary, life-saving surgery.

Accept and respect your mother's choices, as she has her own life, too. Whether or not you agree with her choices (she may not agree with yours, either). What makes for a healthy relationship between parents and adult children, is beginning to respect each other as equals - and that includes not depending on her for help from your choices, and that includes respecting that she has her own life apart from being a mother and grandmother. The sooner you can accept and respect this, the better your relationship can be. You have a choice in letting go of your expectations, and letting go of the hurt.

When I was donating a kidney I referred to "a volunteer project" and stayed vague.

Just line up someone else. Now you know your mom isn't going to be That Kind of Mom. Work around it.

Even if my mom was willing to come at a time like this, I would still hire another babysitter. She is in very good health, but that would tax her reserves in a very short amount of time. It might be reasonable for her to provide company and moral support, but the heavy duty work of this kind of caregiving is a lot to ask of a person of that age for more than a very short period of time. Maybe she knows she can't handle that and just doesn't know how to tell you. What if you hired someone and then asked her to come for either the period before or after her volunteer conflict? She might be willing to come if she knew that it was to help you and a caregiver and not to be the caregiver.