Anonymous wrote:Oh, please, most people do the best they can with what they have to work with (socially, emotionally, family experiences, styles of the times). WhAt parents are able to give are not always what their children needed or in retrospect think they should have gotten but that doesn't mean they didn't try. The most liberating thing I did for myself was get out of the blame game.

Sorry, but not all parents do their best, try to do their best or care to do their best.

Oh, please, most people do the best they can with what they have to work with (socially, emotionally, family experiences, styles of the times). WhAt parents are able to give are not always what their children needed or in retrospect think they should have gotten but that doesn't mean they didn't try. The most liberating thing I did for myself was get out of the blame game.

Anonymous wrote:

Parenting styles were different in the 60s, 70s and 80's. Guess what? Parenting styles are going to be different when our kids are adults and having their own children. They are going to judge us just as we judge our parents.


I plan on apologizing for my shortcomings. I'm not perfect [b]-- but I do the best i possibly can. That matters a lot.[/b

The parents of prior generation did, too and their best is not enough for their kids. Why do you think yours will feel any different?

Mine didn't.

Parenting styles were different in the 60s, 70s and 80's. Guess what? Parenting styles are going to be different when our kids are adults and having their own children. They are going to judge us just as we judge our parents.


I plan on apologizing for my shortcomings. I'm not perfect [b]-- but I do the best i possibly can. That matters a lot.[/b

The parents of prior generation did, too and their best is not enough for their kids. Why do you think yours will feel any different?

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, unhappiness, manipulation was the main form of communication.

I can't help but repeat the cycle with my DC and DH although I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I yell about small things, for DC it's spilling milk or getting ready for school. It happens out of my control. I apologize afterwards, but I still do it.

I don't know how to get rid of this. If anyone has any suggestions please share.

Here is my experience:

I used to do what you describe. I found that a very simple phrase and routine to carry out when these situations come up works best for me. When I have rage, I cannot remember all the self help principles or higher reasoning. I am barely able to think at all. So when my DCs spill milk for example, I force myself to say, in a normal voice, "it's no big deal". I am faking it. (Or I used to be faking it. Now it is my reaction naturally when my kids come to me with a disaster they have to inform me of, or some accident happens, because it is an established habit.) After I say "its no big deal", I get to cleaning up or redirecting or whatever. If I am very upset I step away and take a quick deep breath. Then I return to the situation and force a calm face. I try to remember that I want my child to remember that I would react calmly and compassionately. I have actually retrained myself this way.

A simple phrase and procedure at the ready for when things happen.

When I used to have regular, uncontrolled rage, I wore a rubber band on my wrist. When I felt the wave of rage coming, I would snap the rubber band and change my behavior. Not "try" to change my behavior, but change it.

I grew up in a house where the yelling was minimal but when it happened, it was explosive and was either a) around athletic events on television (I'm serious -- my dad appeared to bottle everything up and then take out his considerable frustrations on teams....) or b) accompanied by subsequent, somewhat violent spankings or c) (this happened twice): directed at my friends who were at my house for a birthday party. I will never forget the shame I felt and the way that the girls whispered among themselves afterwards.

Flash forward 40 or so years: unfortunately, I find myself yelling/raising my voice A LOT. I also (and this is probably better for a s/o post) am married to someone who raises his voice and yells frequently/daily (either at the dogs, at our DC, or at me). He honestly claims he's "not yelling" and that I am the one who's yelling (I acknowledge that I do, sometimes in response to him as there seems to be no other way to get him to stop yelling at our DC, who's 8 and whom he sometimes treats as though she's in her 30's in terms of trying to rationalize with her).

I have told DH that I am going to video or audio record us because I just don't think he realizes the extent to which he is yelling. He also interrupts people (our DC, me, friends -- pretty much anyone) constantly (talks over them) and despite the fact that he's trying to work on this, it's not working.

Reading these posts and my response, I'm seeing more than ever that we need serious help as a family/couple, which I am trying to get DH to start. As to the OP's post: I don't know how much any of this situation in my marriage has to do with my or his childhood. DH has never heard his father raise his voice. DH's mother was a yeller but she also was incredibly loving and would never do anything to hurt her children, whereas my mother never yelled but called me names, was/is critical of everything from appearance to intelligence, etc. I have been in therapy for years trying to work through my childhood and my feelings about it and am now trying to work on my marriage and communication style. If anyone has ANY suggestions (in addition to therapy - again, I am in it and will be entering it with DH, whom unfortunately I am needing to convince), I would be grateful.

Anonymous wrote:11:06 - I'm the PP that wrote the message to which you've responded.. Wow thank you for such a warm and heart felt response. In my life, I've been let down and when I start to feel sorry for myself I always think of why I was lucky and I find it very helpful to keep my sanity. That's why I mentioned it in my posting...try to find the good and not dwell on the bad.

Hi there, I'm the PP you're talking to, and yes I totally agree that when times are roughest, it helps immensely to focus on what I am grateful for (because there is *always* something to be grateful for) and try to focus on dealing with whatever is getting me down. I think we understand each other now, but I was just trying to not have OP feel like she should feel bad for unpacking these memories or being upset about them.

Thanks for your response. I agree that trying to find the good is way healthier and productive than focusing on the bad... sometimes though, the bad needs to be faced and unpacked and "felt" before moving onto not just the good, but the GREAT!

Anonymous wrote:NP. How about when there is frequent anger or rage yelling, and later in the day/week/month nobody mentions the incidents, ever? When the fights are not mentioned among the family, and the kids don't get to hear "Let's talk-- I am angry about this" in a normal volume?

--an avoidant

NP here. This is my family-of-origin's dynamic. Abuse and then everyone sweeps it under the rug and pretends it never happened. So much awful stuff has happened that I cannot forget. DH and I spend little time around our families because it is so harmful and because we don't want our children to think this is an acceptable way to handle conflict.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting styles were different in the 60s, 70s and 80's. Guess what? Parenting styles are going to be different when our kids are adults and having their own children. They are going to judge us just as we judge our parents.

I plan on apologizing for my shortcomings. I'm not perfect -- but I do the best i possibly can. That matters a lot.

We were yellers, but never berated each other. We were just loud. It is possible. Not all yellers are negative.

11:06 - I'm the PP that wrote the message to which you've responded.. Wow thank you for such a warm and heart felt response. In my life, I've been let down and when I start to feel sorry for myself I always think of why I was lucky and I find it very helpful to keep my sanity. That's why I mentioned it in my posting...try to find the good and not dwell on the bad.

Anonymous wrote:OP- there are a lot of worse things than growing up in a yelling household. My dad yelled at me and called me names growing up and acted quite child like in general. I was always able to look over his flaws because I thought at the end of the day he would "always" be there for me. Something unforgivable with him happened when I was 21 and I realized he would not be there for me and that destroyed our relationship.

I yell at my kids more than I should. I expect them to get close to perfect grades and if they don't watch out. I suppose it is because when I was a young adult I realized that I didn't have the emotional support that I should have had growing up and I had to be very self-reliant and I want my kids to be prepared for anything.

No one is perfect. Were your parents more good than bad? At the end of the day, would they really be there for you? If so, consider yourself lucky.

I'm not OP. Here is the thing PP: while it's true that there are a lot worse things than being yelled at and diminished by your parents for years, THAT STILL SUCKS and is HARMFUL. It does no good to tell someone "there are worse things; consider yourself lucky". Sure, point out that there are worse things, but why should PP consider herself lucky? There are families that never yelled at their kids, diminished them with demeaning language, or abandoned them (as you said your dad kind of did). Should everyone who didn't get that feel UNlucky, even if their parents were still pretty good?

It's not a measuring stick, and if you're on one side of a specific point you're "lucky" and on the other side you're "unlucky". Everyone's experiences are their own, and they need to deal with how those experiences shaped them and affected them. I worked for CPS for years. Some kids who were sexually abused and also beaten by their parents did surprisingly well once they were in a stabler household. Other kids who had verbally abusive and manipulative parents but didn't go through even close to some of the horrors that other kids did, still did WORSE.

Who you are and how you cope are a combination of your own individual personality, how you were parented (or not parented), and your actual experiences. No one can tell someone else that they should feel lucky, although perspective is a good thing to help people keep in mind.

OP, this is my first post here and I just want to say that your own kids have NO IDEA how lucky they are that you've risen above your own experiences and worked this hard to try to consciously, purposefully, give your kids a different, healthier experience. That is one of the hardest things in the world to do and your kids will probably never realize how lucky they are that you're doing it. As you process and start to remember more about your own childhood, if it gets to be a bit much to process I hope you'll see a counselor just so you can deal with it and file it away in the right place, not let it throw you off the healthy track you've worked so hard to establish.

I was shocked to find out (as an adult) that my mom came from a household of domestic violence and a pretty cold, unemontionally connected mom. My mom was so loving and so supportive of me, and although I can't talk to her about it (she died when I was a teen), as I learned more from other family about how SHE grew up, I came to understand that she made some very very conscious decisions to raise me differently. I will be forever and eternally grateful. It is the biggest thing anyone can do anywhere to choose a different path from the one they were raised in, even when the one they were raised in was a nightmare. Doing something different can be so hard.

Your kids are lucky OP! Good luck!

I grew up in a house with parents who yelled all the time. I cannot stand to hear a raised voice. Even if it's "HURRY UP AND GET DOWN HERE AND GET YOUR SHOES ON!!!" Which is meant with no malice at all other than to hurry a child along.

Personally I vote for no yelling, ever.

Parenting styles were different in the 60s, 70s and 80's. Guess what? Parenting styles are going to be different when our kids are adults and having their own children. They are going to judge us just as we judge our parents.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, unhappiness, manipulation was the main form of communication.

I can't help but repeat the cycle with my DC and DH although I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I yell about small things, for DC it's spilling milk or getting ready for school. It happens out of my control. I apologize afterwards, but I still do it.

I don't know how to get rid of this. If anyone has any suggestions please share.

You sound like my mom. The small things like that didn't bother me long term but they made the house difficult. You can't change over night. I would focus on not letting the small things get to you.