Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 15:07     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.


I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.

So is one of you a law partner or did u elect for poor schools or hellish commute? People aren't spending gobs of money for most homes here, a modest home with good schools takes two incomes. You seem pretty high on yourself but the core complaint of this expensive lifestyle is the exorbitant cost of basic housing.


We moved here from a more expensive city and it seems rather reasonable to us. We bought a rowhouse for a little over 700 on a 320ish salary. Seems reasonable to us. We do not have kids and our commute is less than 30 minutes.


NP. Well bully for you. Unless you also know how to time-travel, how is this helpful?
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 15:04     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
OP, from what you're saying, it sounds like your wife doesn't want to be a stay at home mom, she just wants shorter hours (you mentioned she wants five hours not two with them). I think she should start at the government job and see if there can be any flexibility when she gets there. My agency does not advertise part time work BUT the boss actually suggested some part-time arrangements for a few people who were having child care issues. This saved one person from quitting outright because she was able to get a part-time schedule that allowed her to be with her kids for a couple of days a week. So, just because it seems that there may be no flexibility, there may actually be some wiggle room once she gets into the job, provided that she proves herself to be a good employee with a good work ethic.

This also applies to telecommuting. Some of my colleagues are able to telecommute a day or two a week. This means that they save the hour or two in commuting per day and thus have more time with their families.

I am a lawyer too (left a big law firm to go to government for the saner hours despite the 60% paycut) and the alternative arrangements I am talking about have been available to my lawyer colleagues. I think being a lawyer often lends itself to more flexibility because, unless you are going to trial or negotiating some sort of agreement, you can do your work from many locations.

And to the PP who was saying that people should just plan to be able to afford a house on one salary, but the salary at issue is $320k, that is not really the same as working off of a lower salary. OP just hit six figures at his government gig, and in most agencies the ceiling is $155k for government work that is not at the senior executive level. I used to make around as much as you are talking about before I went to the government and life was easy street financially speaking, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is very much a different story when one salary is less than half of what you quote. And $155k is 50% higher than what OP makes now. When we bought our house back in the early '00s, I planned on being able to afford it without ever getting a raise and only on my salary, but I didn't have any kids back then and kids are EXPENSIVE!!!

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 15:02     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
If she really wanted to SAH with the baby, then she'd be ok with living in small condo - but she's not willing to compromise. You're SOL.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:58     Subject: My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:My wife went through something similar. She was exceptionally torn about staying at work. She quit. We tightened our budgets and agreed that if I was the sole breadwinner then she'd have to get comfortable with that - I can't be home to take care of the kids cause she wants to grab lunch with a friend. She got that.

It was miserable for both of us. She had visions of unicorns shitting rainbows but the truth of it is being a SAHM is more work than going to work. Perhaps more fulfilling but certainly more exhausting. It's not yoga pants and mocha lattes with your girlfriends talking about whether you are on team Bella or some shit, it's sitting around with poopy diapers, dirty dishes, bills, cleaning, drop offs, and 37 seconds a day to quietly cry in a corner. The lack of adult interaction was tough for her.

It was horseshit for me. I'd come home to a flustered and exhausted wife who had little to no energy left to hang out with me, much less anything romantic. She didn't mean to but she got a little resentful I think of my work - two days in Miami for a conference turns into "well that must be nice". She was joking but there was clearly an undercurrent of frustration. That then manifested in my feeling guilty, so I'd try to get out of things at work which was probably not a terribly smart career move at least in the long run.

Money became more of an issue but not in the way we thought it might. Financially we were fine, but my wife felt more guilty doing things like getting a massage or haircut or anything else for herself. I had to push her to do these things anyway, but she always felt like she shouldn't do it, and it became clear she thought she wasn't "contributing" to the household.

She lasted just over a year before she decided to go back. The never ending grind of kids 24/7, the condescending stares from working moms (which you also get from stay at home moms if you work), the self imposed stresses, however silly, of money, the lack of adult interaction, and the difficulty in my job, made it all not worthwhile.

She ended up moving to a non profit with slightly more flexible hours (and a little less pay) and is much happier. The commute from VA probably made it a bit of a wash in terms of time with the kids but mentally it feels different.

My advice: look for alternate options outside of quitting. Part time work, different company, etc.


I am your wife, OP. Well not literally but I could be her. And what PP says above is almost exactly why I haven't quit to stay at home full time. I started to feel even a tiny bit resentful of DH on my maternity leave. I think I'd be really depressed as a stay at home mom. And I can't feel guilty about that. It just is what it is. Anyway, I agree with PP that your wife should keep looking for a schedule that feels good to her. It may not be her dream job but maybe it's worth the trade off now while your baby is young and you're still growing your family.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:54     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:Her job offers no flexibility whatever. I mean none. It's a decent lifestyle, but not negotiable beyond the routine. She can pick the kid up from daycare at 5:45. Where she works, that's a big concession, believe me. She says she doesn't want to stay at home. She just wants five hours with the kid a day, instead of two or three. Those lost two or three hours are killing her.


The baby will start staying up longer over the course of the year. Her time with the baby with lengthen accordingly. How about a video camera feed that she can check throughout the day?

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:49     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here: She doesn't have a proposal. She feels we're stuck. I want to dislodge the problem, but I don't know how.

Haven't read a all responses yet, but she sounds depressed
postpartum maybe? I suggest a app with a doctor and therapist ASAP


She's also prob depressed because she's with a husband who can't support the family on his own.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:43     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:OP here: She doesn't have a proposal. She feels we're stuck. I want to dislodge the problem, but I don't know how.

Haven't read a all responses yet, but she sounds depressed
postpartum maybe? I suggest a app with a doctor and therapist ASAP
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:40     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.


So, selling a house is radical, but basically stopping work isn't? This is one of the areas where woman definitely have an advantage; most guys would never even have this option.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:38     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.


I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.

So is one of you a law partner or did u elect for poor schools or hellish commute? People aren't spending gobs of money for most homes here, a modest home with good schools takes two incomes. You seem pretty high on yourself but the core complaint of this expensive lifestyle is the exorbitant cost of basic housing.


We moved here from a more expensive city and it seems rather reasonable to us. We bought a rowhouse for a little over 700 on a 320ish salary. Seems reasonable to us. We do not have kids and our commute is less than 30 minutes.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:03     Subject: My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Please ask your wife if she has postpartum depression. Or if she can get checked for it.

Having a baby and going back to work is really hard. The exhaustion makes you think crazy things sometimes. Do you have anyone who could watch the baby for a while so the two of you can get a break and just relax a bit? Having a night or weekend off may get you both mentally to a place where you can really consider all the options you have (which are more than you think you have at the moment).
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 14:00     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.


I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.

So is one of you a law partner or did u elect for poor schools or hellish commute? People aren't spending gobs of money for most homes here, a modest home with good schools takes two incomes. You seem pretty high on yourself but the core complaint of this expensive lifestyle is the exorbitant cost of basic housing.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 13:45     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.


I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.


This is very, very true. I am unsettled by DCUM's general tendency to bottom line things without acknowledgement of the complexities at play. The whole "suck it up" thing is one of those phrases that is completely appropriate for very specific circumstances.

If OP's wife is depressed, "suck it up" for a year can sound like a death sentence.

Also, where in all of this is voice given to the very valid point that PP has made here- we evolve when we have kids. We definitely do not stay the same, and there is no way to anticipate all the things that you will feel once that new person is in your life. There are sacrifices we are more than willing to make for that kid that we could not have necessarily guessed at.

Thank you PP for posting regarding what you decided to do. It demonstrates an active approach to solving a problem.

OP, downsizing and cutting costs ARE options.

Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 13:40     Subject: My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
PP here. Ten months is not a great time to make huge decisions, especially if she is pumping at work or baby is still up at night. That isn't reflective of what it's like when kid is older.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 13:37     Subject: My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
I'm a woman, govt attorney, and thinks OP sounds reasonable. Id say to give the new job a chance and then see where you are in terms of the house. If staying at home means that much to her you can downsize. Also, she sounds like she might be depressed. I've been there and for me it manifests as feeling trapped.
Anonymous
Post 08/23/2014 13:22     Subject: Re:My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.


I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.