Anonymous wrote:

OP here, this seems reasonable but admittedly it's also what I want to hear. I suppose that if I was thinking of divorce, then the worst that happens if I get caught cheating is....divorce. I should probably check with a family law attorney and see if that matters, I thought my state was no-fault. Anyway, I am happy to give her half of everything. She is a good mom, a good person and as a SAHM she needs to be financially taken care of till she can get established. We are good friends, just not good sexual partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

I'd cherish you. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Wife here again. If DH came to me and said we have to have more sex or I'm going to start divorce proceedings, I'd be very sad. But I would understand. Sex is part of a marriage. It's a part I don't like and I'm not every going to like it to the degree he does. It's not fair to him to not get his part of the deal. I might be able to muster up the willingness to have sex more often for a few months, but then I'd regress and we'd be right back where we are now. And I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we were having sex just so he wouldn't divorce me. Whether or not I agree to have sex doesn't change if I WANT to have sex. At that point, I'd just be going through the motions.

Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Wife here again. If DH came to me and said we have to have more sex or I'm going to start divorce proceedings, I'd be very sad. But I would understand. Sex is part of a marriage. It's a part I don't like and I'm not every going to like it to the degree he does. It's not fair to him to not get his part of the deal. I might be able to muster up the willingness to have sex more often for a few months, but then I'd regress and we'd be right back where we are now. And I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we were having sex just so he wouldn't divorce me. Whether or not I agree to have sex doesn't change if I WANT to have sex. At that point, I'd just be going through the motions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

Anonymous wrote:Definitely lots of women posting in this thread. Man here.

Your position is understandable, and seems like you've thought it through. I'd say if DW isn't willing to work things out, just go ahead with the affair. What's the worst that can happen? You get divorced. Well sounds like that will happen anyway.

Really make sure to compartmentalize. In my case, I have little contact with any mistresses when I'm at home (as in when I'm in the city where we live), other than an email every 1-2 months. They are living in other cities, and I see them when I'm in those cities on business.

Anonymous wrote: I'd say if DW isn't willing to work things out, just go ahead with the affair. What's the worst that can happen? You get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

Anonymous wrote:The other alternative is to do the right thing and be honest with her. Tell her you are unhappy with being sexually out of sync, can't take it any more, and want to go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship with another similarly married discreet partner.

Those are really the only two options for someone with integrity - open the marriage, or if she's not up for that, divorce. Cheating. lying, deceit, and putting time and energy to nurture your extramarital sex life, rather than your marriage, is never really going to "help" the marriage. Chances are it will come out eventually and destroy your kids' home anyway. Ask my STBX. That's how it played out in our home.

Anonymous wrote:Typical story. Married 10 years. Kids between 4-7 years old. Have tried everything to get wife in mood. She is happy 1-2 month. For the record, we haven't tried counselling, my wife doesn't see the need for it, she is happy with status quo, and truthfully I have no desire to make her have sex with me just to prevent a divorce.

I have found another women in a similar bind as me. I think we have total discretion. What I am trying to determine is if it is better to just divorce or to go for the affair and do my best to be at home being a good father and husband (perhaps better husband since I won't be sexually frustrated).

Understand some people are against affairs no matter what, but for those who have had them, was there a happy outcome that makes it worth it? Or should I just bite the bullet and get divorced.