Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

What's important is to raise your son to realize it is his responsibility to maintain an ongoing relationship with you and your husband. It is not his spouses responsibility.

but as his spouse it is my duty AND desire to encourage it and do my part to help make it happen if possible, even if it means that it occassionally takes me out of my comfort zone.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

What's important is to raise your son to realize it is his responsibility to maintain an ongoing relationship with you and your husband. It is not his spouses responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

+1

I find that I'm more able to enjoy time with my ILs and relax during our visits when I am honest with them. You mention that when they drink, you feel obliged to be a polite sounding board - well, drunken ramblings are usually pretty offensive so even though you didn't give many details, I can guess what it's like to try to be polite in that situation because I've BTDT. In that situation, I think it's totally fair to excuse yourself and leave the room. It's happened often enough that I now leave the room as soon as the whiskey comes out. No need to pretend it's enjoyable to listen to the ramblings of a drunk person - no one's buying the polite, blank stare anyway. Even the drunk knows he's being a jerk.

In other situations, if your ILs are disrupting the babies' routine, just tell them - "actually, now is their bath time." If you're relaxed, comfortable, and confident when letting the ILs know the pattern of the day, it won't be a big deal. You'll feel better for not bottling it up, and if they're reasonable people, they'll feel better knowing how they can fit into your family's routine rather than trying to guess what they should be doing differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

When your kids get married, you should remember your advice - 'life isn't always about you'. The most important thing is that your child has a healthy relationship with his spouse. If your IL gets along with you, even better. Demanding or expecting you'll have a close emotional relationship with his spouse is unrealistic. Read some other threads and you'll be grateful your IL is polite to you.

Having a healthy relationship with your spouse does not include ending all relationships with those you also love so that your spouse gets everything he/she wants. That is not a "healthy" relationship.

Exaggerate much? No one is talking about 'ending all relationships', we're talking about not developing close emotional relationships with your ILs but remaining civil and polite. Sheesh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

When your kids get married, you should remember your advice - 'life isn't always about you'. The most important thing is that your child has a healthy relationship with his spouse. If your IL gets along with you, even better. Demanding or expecting you'll have a close emotional relationship with his spouse is unrealistic. Read some other threads and you'll be grateful your IL is polite to you.

Having a healthy relationship with your spouse does not include ending all relationships with those you also love so that your spouse gets everything he/she wants. That is not a "healthy" relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

When your kids get married, you should remember your advice - 'life isn't always about you'. The most important thing is that your child has a healthy relationship with his spouse. If your IL gets along with you, even better. Demanding or expecting you'll have a close emotional relationship with his spouse is unrealistic. Read some other threads and you'll be grateful your IL is polite to you.

Wow. Some selfish women here. Do you not care that your attitude toward your inlays hurts your spouse? Having my children marry someone like this group terrifies me. Life isn't always about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

No, I'm not interested in having more than a polite relationship with my ILs. I have no emotional connection with them and feel no need to attempt to force those feelings or to develop them. Perhaps that might change in the future but given who they are, at a minimum, I will continue to maintain boundaries. If DH asks for assistance or would like me to do something, I'm happy to help him but I'm not responsible for their visit just as DH is not responsible for my family's visit. I recognize others have a different approach but this arrangement works best for us.

This is my approach as well.

I do not think of my ILs as my family.

OP I haven't read all of the responses, but I recoginize myself in your post. My in-laws are not bad people at all -- especially as compared to some of the nightmare stories I've read here-- but...

After 12 years of marriage I have finally accepted the fact that they are simply not my cup of tea. I am speaking of one SIL in particular here -- she's not a bad person, but our personalities in no way mesh, we have very little in common and I truly dislike some parts of her behavior. I would bet anything she feels the same way about me. And that's fine. I've learned to accept it. I don't look forward to being with her and don't go out of my way to spend time with her, but when she's around, I just accept that this is someone that is in my life whether I like it or not. She came with the package.

To say women are too often assigned the role of caretakers, yet you stereotype and assume men take no role in family visits?
Isn't that a contradiction?
For what it is worth , in my household,we both work on making family visitors feel welcome, even when neither of us feels like it.
It so happens we both feel like everyone is family, regardless of who gave birth to whom.

Bless your heart.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

I had the same reaction to this post. While it's certainly reasonable not to take ownership, they are guests in your house and part of being a good host is attempting to make them comfortable and their visit enjoyable. Plus they are your DH's parents. You can't trouble yourself to think up a fun activity or grab something at the market that you know will please them? That's thoughtless and uncaring, in my opinion, especially if they're "benign", as this thread describes. I don't take ownership of my IL's visits but I work together with my DH to make them comfortable, and he does the same for my family.

If my ILs are as 'benign' as this thread describes, why wouldn't my DH's efforts not be sufficient? How many DHs 'think up fun activiites or grab something at the market that [they] know will please [their] ILs? I'd wager not many. I am polite to my ILs and they are welcome in our home but my DH is responsible for them as I am responsible for my family visitors. Too many people assign women the role of relationship caretakers. I don't accept that role. If you don't want to alienate your future DILs, I suggest you re-think your expecations.

To say women are too often assigned the role of caretakers, yet you stereotype and assume men take no role in family visits?
Isn't that a contradiction?
For what it is worth , in my household,we both work on making family visitors feel welcome, even when neither of us feels like it.
It so happens we both feel like everyone is family, regardless of who gave birth to whom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how refreshing you are, OP! It's not often on this site that people acknowledge their part of an issue. I think your self-awareness and desire to make changes will serve you well! Hugs!

12:39 again. I forgot to add that I'm in a similar position with my ILs. I focus on allowing myself to not be responsible - that is, my DH is responsible for his relationship with his parents, I'm not responsible for them having a good time, being entertained, getting their preferred food, etc. I offer suggestions to my DH and am always civil/polite/respectful but I don't take any ownership of their visit. It's helped my sanity tremendously.

I understand that your DH is responsible for his relationship with them, but why would you not want to take any ownership for visitors in your home, visitors to whom you are related? My own mom can peeve me, but I still want to be sure that she has a good time when she visits. No, that doesn't mean breaking my back or going to extreme lengths, but still...
Do you not want to have more than a polite relationship with your IL'S or is that impossible for some reason?

I had the same reaction to this post. While it's certainly reasonable not to take ownership, they are guests in your house and part of being a good host is attempting to make them comfortable and their visit enjoyable. Plus they are your DH's parents. You can't trouble yourself to think up a fun activity or grab something at the market that you know will please them? That's thoughtless and uncaring, in my opinion, especially if they're "benign", as this thread describes. I don't take ownership of my IL's visits but I work together with my DH to make them comfortable, and he does the same for my family.

If my ILs are as 'benign' as this thread describes, why wouldn't my DH's efforts not be sufficient? How many DHs 'think up fun activiites or grab something at the market that [they] know will please [their] ILs? I'd wager not many. I am polite to my ILs and they are welcome in our home but my DH is responsible for them as I am responsible for my family visitors. Too many people assign women the role of relationship caretakers. I don't accept that role. If you don't want to alienate your future DILs, I suggest you re-think your expecations.

Also, try asking questions about what your DH was like as a baby, or how your MIL handled parenting topics (sleeping, eating, whatever). I'd never do any of the things my MIL says to do, but she loves feeling heard.

Also, you've married the adult child of alcoholics, and you sound unwilling to admit that, or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Look into AA or Al-Anon or something to understand you don't have to have these people for lengthy visit while you have two babies at home.

OP, for things like this what can help is enlisting your MIL's help in doing things your way. Can you make a specific request, get her to do something specific and make her feel like you are enlisting her on 'your team' and truly need her help.
Example, "Larla-in-law, I really need your help making these bottles, I know I can trust you to do it just the way the babies like it, that would be such a help if the two of us can do it together.'
"Gramma Clause, can you do me a favor -- can you rock baby Bubba like this for me, your grandson is picky and i know it would work great if Gramma would do it"
I often find that people's resistance and defensiveness decreases when they feel they are 'wanted' and part of a team. Maybe this strategy will help.