Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:39
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
She's 17? She's going to be having sex with him if she wants to, no matter if you let her go on this trip or not. So refusing to let her go really depends on other factors, such as:
1) You don't want other people to know your daughter has sex;
2) They aren't actually having sex, and you have a basis to believe that he is going to pressure her into it;
3) You are so morally opposed to teenage sex that you must actively prevent it - in which case you should be also taking more drastic measures like making them break up;
4) Some other reason no related to sex, like you think teens should be better supervised than you think they'll be?
I recommend none of the above. Your daughter is 17 and in a year will be going to college. The best thing you can do is start treating her like an adult now.
1) You don't want other people to know your daughter has sex;
2) They aren't actually having sex, and you have a basis to believe that he is going to pressure her into it;
3) You are so morally opposed to teenage sex that you must actively prevent it - in which case you should be also taking more drastic measures like making them break up;
4) Some other reason no related to sex, like you think teens should be better supervised than you think they'll be?
I recommend none of the above. Your daughter is 17 and in a year will be going to college. The best thing you can do is start treating her like an adult now.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:38
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Anonymous wrote:OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.
Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.
Oh, well, then, that's the final word. Your experience means so much.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:36
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Is your husband ok with the idea that your DD might be having sex during this vacation? That seems to be what it's boiling down to.
OP, at what age would you be ok with your DD having sex? Have you talked with her about birth control, STDs, sex-relationship issues, etc.?
You also need to talk to DH about not making solo decisions.
OP, at what age would you be ok with your DD having sex? Have you talked with her about birth control, STDs, sex-relationship issues, etc.?
You also need to talk to DH about not making solo decisions.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:28
Subject: Re:My D wants to go away with BF and family
I am a little confused by the people saying they wouldn't allow it because:
1. OP's daughter is "only" 17 and 17 = kid
2. OP's daughter is in high school and the boyfriend is in college
I'm confused by these because:
1. With all the red-shirting going on these days, it's entirely possible that MANY boys are 19 when they graduate from high school. So maybe OP's daughter is going into her senior year and the boyfriend just graduated from high school a month ago
2. What do you think magically happens once a young woman goes from being 17 to 18?
My daughter was 16 when she graduated from high school and started college. She and her friends at college were forever going to each others homes for weekends. To me the issue is not whether or not she's having sex or not. The issue is 10 days is too long for two hormonal teenagers to get along with each other with minimal supervision, and OP's DD won't have someone at home who she can call crying to come pick her up when they get in a big fight (which is a big probability).
OP, maybe your husband can see your daughter as she is, more clearly than you can? A few times that's happened with us, with our kids. One of us can see they're ready to go into Manhattan with friends and the other is like "Her hair was in pigtail braids just last week, so she's a little girl!" So I'd say talk to your husband about WHY he said okay to this. Then talk to your DD about what her exit strategy is if she needs one. I told my teens that if they called me from ANYWHERE, EVER, I would always come pick them up or get them home. If both you and your husband are out of town while she's away, what is the plan for how she'll get home if she needs to cut her trip short?
1. OP's daughter is "only" 17 and 17 = kid
2. OP's daughter is in high school and the boyfriend is in college
I'm confused by these because:
1. With all the red-shirting going on these days, it's entirely possible that MANY boys are 19 when they graduate from high school. So maybe OP's daughter is going into her senior year and the boyfriend just graduated from high school a month ago
2. What do you think magically happens once a young woman goes from being 17 to 18?
My daughter was 16 when she graduated from high school and started college. She and her friends at college were forever going to each others homes for weekends. To me the issue is not whether or not she's having sex or not. The issue is 10 days is too long for two hormonal teenagers to get along with each other with minimal supervision, and OP's DD won't have someone at home who she can call crying to come pick her up when they get in a big fight (which is a big probability).
OP, maybe your husband can see your daughter as she is, more clearly than you can? A few times that's happened with us, with our kids. One of us can see they're ready to go into Manhattan with friends and the other is like "Her hair was in pigtail braids just last week, so she's a little girl!" So I'd say talk to your husband about WHY he said okay to this. Then talk to your DD about what her exit strategy is if she needs one. I told my teens that if they called me from ANYWHERE, EVER, I would always come pick them up or get them home. If both you and your husband are out of town while she's away, what is the plan for how she'll get home if she needs to cut her trip short?
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:25
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
20:24 PP here. You all are kind of fools. I was sexually active with my boyfriend at 17 and the vacation I went on with his family was the one time we DIDN'T have sex.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:24
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
OP, it's really not the end of the world if she is having sex as long as she's responsible. I had sex at 17 with my boyfriend and it was fine. Actually, it was wonderful in many ways. I was in a good relationship with a respectful boyfriend. I had many positive experiences and really, it was probably a much better start to my sex life than it would have been in a college atmosphere. If they have been dating a year, your daughter is not a virgin unless you are extremely religious.
Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.
Teens wouldn't wait for a family vacation to have sex the first time. You may want to get her on some kind of hormonal birth control, though. Teens + condoms are often a recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:19
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Anonymous wrote:1) your dh is a fool
2) your daughter is sleeping with the guy.
3) teens can meet at schools during lunch and have sex, anywhere... Car, forest.
4) his mom basically knows they are having sex
5) you are not ever reacting. Don't let her go.
+1
OP, You didn't prepare her with the sex talk and discussion about BC/STDs/Pregnancy, did you?
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:16
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Anonymous wrote:Hello again, the thing is I am going to be going away on business to the west coast for 7 of the days. My H is going on a golf trip with his brother and my other D is in camp, so we could not go and get her and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to drive 4-5 hours to bring her home early.
It's either she goes or stays (in which case now she would be alone). My H planned his trip once he knew she was going. I have spoken to her ad nauseum but she rolls her eyes as she is tired of hearing the same thing over and over.
Bottom line, lets put everything else aside, would you let your 17 year old go to a beach trip with her BF and his family?
Just curious if I am being overly reactive or most would be like me.
MY DH would NEVER have allowed it. I wouldn't allow it either at 17. 10 days is a long time. HOWEVER, my daughter would probably be on BC and have the sex talk IN DEPTH with a discussion on STDs and pregnancy long before she started dating.
When I was in my mid 20s, I went away with my BF (later my DH) and his parents for 2 days and my grandmother had a hissy fit and was telling my mother that I was a slut for doing so. I found out when I called to tell her I was extending my trip for another day. I did it anyway and I'm glad I didn't let some old fart ruin my relationship. (The irony was that my grandmother was married and having sex by the time she was 20, yet had a fit because I was going away in my mid 20s to be with my first BF!)
We got married less than a year later. My mother raised me right and I made the right decisions for me. You have to trust that you raised her right.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:13
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Not a bad idea.Anonymous wrote:10 days is way too long. I would allow a few (3) days since your husband already said yes. Since the family is going to be away for 10 days, perhaps your daughter can visit at the end of their trip. if your husband will not help with driving, ask a friend to help.
I bet 10 days would result in some fighting/drama too.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:09
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Anonymous wrote:OK need to clarify a few things- she just turned 17 last week and he is turning 19. So they are really 2 years apart.Assuming they are not having sex, and I don't think they are, this will give them ample opportunity, and yes they are alone here and there but when he comes to our house or her to his someones always around. In this case the parents are big golfers and will be gone most of the day (so the mother told me) and to various functions at night and she specifically said they are welcome to join them but she doesn't' think they will want to.
My H is adamant about not reneging on this, he is being very stubborn. Really doesn't think its a big deal. I know its me being paranoid but sub consciously when I mentioned his size and "manliness:" I guess I was just thinking if things got heated one night when no one is home and she didn't' want to take things to the next level and he did,that would really scare me. He in fairness seems like a great level headed kid but a hormone driven teen in the prime of his youth, all bets are off.
So have no idea how to handle this.
OP, I understand your concern. You have several problems:
1. You and DH are not on the same page. Given your concern about rape, why does your DH not know of your fear? (it could be because of his gender. Men simply don't think/worry about these things. Don't tell me you have NEVER brought the topic of rape up with DH?)
2. You are overly concerned about rape. I get it, it's your daughter. I have 2 and I have a concern about that, and when they are old enough I will address it with them. Did you ever talk to your daughter about rape? Rape can happen at any time, any place and any male could be a rapist. (Not saying all men are or even most men are, just pointing out the fact that a stranger can attack a woman jogging in a park or in her home.) She should be aware of where she is and what is going on. She should also realize that NO means NO and Yes means Yes.
3. Have you discussed sex/bc/pregnancy with her? At 17, she really should be on BC if she is sexually active. Don't think your little girl isn't, because she probably is. Have you discussed with her STDs and talked to her about what happens if she gets pregnant?
4. Do you think an "average" man couldn't overpower your daughter? Generally speaking, men are stronger than women. If you were so worried about rape, have you had your daughter take any self defense classes?
5. I hope you are not teaching your daughter that all men are potential rapists. But she should know that there are rapists out there and she needs to use common sense to be safe.
Personally, I think she should go, since your DH already gave her permission. If you decide she can't go, DH needs to be the one to tell her and explain WHY.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 20:03
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
So the alternative is that your DD stays home alone for at least 7 days? You don't think the boyfriend will ditch the beach house knowing she'll be home alone?
I would let her go.
I would let her go.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 19:45
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Just say no.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 19:45
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
Anonymous wrote:What state? It could be statutory rape. You could tell the mom you are not comfortable with them having sex and say it is statutory rape. Maybe that'll make her police the bedrooms more.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 19:41
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
If she goes, she's having sex. No question in my mind. I'm not judging, as lots of young women have sex at that age- I think it is the average age for losing virginity? But don't fool yourself OP- if you let her go, chances are they are going to do it on the trip if they are not already. If you are not OK with that, don't let her go.
Anonymous
07/17/2014 19:41
Subject: My D wants to go away with BF and family
10 days is way too long. I would allow a few (3) days since your husband already said yes. Since the family is going to be away for 10 days, perhaps your daughter can visit at the end of their trip. if your husband will not help with driving, ask a friend to help.