Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At a little over $100k, you can afford to make the basement live able.

...for $170k total, we have student loans, a house nobody helped us with, utilities, cell phone bills, a non-luxury car and 2 kids in daycare, 1 with aftercare and activity expenses. We would have to renovate the basement completely while we are saving to try to buy a bigger house for the two of us and our kids. And I do not want my mother to live with us. She can take care of herself for the most part, but she won't. She has to find a long term solution bc this just isn't it. Disrupting our plans to renovate the basement actually enables her to continue to rely on us and not work through reality.

OP, I agree with you. You and DH have to go on with your lives. Unfortunately, your mother has led an irresponsible life and expects you to enable her to continue. Although you will continue to worry about her as any adult child would, you will be less stressed and can care for your family like you need to once she is gone. They need you. You can't help your mother. For her to lean on an adult child as a result of her poor decisions is, frankly, shameful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, move her to the basement on an inflatable mattress--take back your bedroom. If you don't want her living with you longer than she already has, I wouldn't do a lot to fix it up.

Give your mother a deadline of when she needs to move out. Make it realistic--6 to 8 weeks. She can find a place to rent a room.

If she's been living with you this long I hope she's been kicking in for utilities or at least helping with the housework/kids.

Terrible. It is her mother not a stranger. Sr. Or l ow income housing have long waiting lists, min. 2 years. 23k/yr is pretty high for SS and she will make too much for SNAP

True, for a single person household, she'd need to make less than $14940 a year.

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do should be guided by what you would like your children to do for/with you when you are in the early stages of dementia.

This thread is very disturbing.

Yeah, this is a good way to live. I would never want my children to put their marriages at risk or take resources away from their young children to cater to me, particularly where there are other options available to me.

OP -- there comes a point where you have to stop allowing someone to take advantage of you. This sounds much more like someone taking advantage than a case of true incapacity.

Whatever you do should be guided by what you would like your children to do for/with you when you are in the early stages of dementia.

This thread is very disturbing.

What is your home life like? You obviously work. Do your kids go out to daycare during the day leaving her alone there? Does she do anything during the day to keep yourself occupied?

She seems to have an issue with the fact that she lacks friends. What about some community center classes where she can meet people? My MIL has taken some good lessons with other older adults in MD so there might be some near you.

I definitely think you should take some of her money (it's technically room and board) and use it to fix up the basement for her. Your current arrangement is absurd for your family. It's not being selfish to want, no NEED, a bedroom for you and your husband. You are bending over backward and changing your family's routines to suit her and that should not be the case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to find some low income housing and move her out. We moved my MIL here and she planned to stay. We moved her to a nursing home as like you said it got too much. There are a few low income housing places.

Can you tell me where? How to find them? What the approx cost is?

Try mdhousing.org or google VHDA if in va and do housing search. Will have non HUD non s8 options.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, move her to the basement on an inflatable mattress--take back your bedroom. If you don't want her living with you longer than she already has, I wouldn't do a lot to fix it up.

Give your mother a deadline of when she needs to move out. Make it realistic--6 to 8 weeks. She can find a place to rent a room.

If she's been living with you this long I hope she's been kicking in for utilities or at least helping with the housework/kids.

Terrible. It is her mother not a stranger. Sr. Or l ow income housing have long waiting lists, min. 2 years. 23k/yr is pretty high for SS and she will make too much for SNAP

Her mother has been living with her for nearly a year. She can find a room to rent in someone's house; she doesn't have to wait for her number to come up for low income house in OP's house.

Anonymous wrote:For the short term, move her to the basement on an inflatable mattress--take back your bedroom. If you don't want her living with you longer than she already has, I wouldn't do a lot to fix it up.

Give your mother a deadline of when she needs to move out. Make it realistic--6 to 8 weeks. She can find a place to rent a room.

If she's been living with you this long I hope she's been kicking in for utilities or at least helping with the housework/kids.

Terrible. It is her mother not a stranger. Sr. Or l ow income housing have long waiting lists, min. 2 years. 23k/yr is pretty high for SS and she will make too much for SNAP

Pull the kids out of full time daycare. Your Mom earns her keep.

* Disney