Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 15:25     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:OP. I wish they can at least speak English at meal time so I can join in and not feel like stranger at the table' and if they have any plan with my daughter, I should be involve in the conversation. Also a few times, my husband told me about something they talked a few days ago that I had value information/opinion. If I had known, it would save them time to find out.
I feel more tension between myself and my ILs, due to the fact that I can't get over this issue so I was hoping someone can point out something to help me. I guess I have to accept this or learn Cantonese.


i'm the pp that suggested compromise back on page 2. this happens even among us chinese. my family speaks a dialect (shanghainese) in addition to mandarin while my husband only speaks mandarin. so when my parents are around, their preference is dialect > mandarin > english. when they speak to DH, they start out with mandarin, but after 2 to 3 sentences, the dialect slips in w/o them noticing it. if i'm around, i'll speak up, if i'm not, DH is lost. after many years, DH just accepts it as way of life. he has no interest in learning the dialect nor do i push it either way. if the conversation is important or involves him, i'll remind my folks to speak mandarin, o/w he just assumes it's not worthy of him paying attn.

probably not helpful to you. but rest assured that this happens all the time, not just to families made of different ethnicities, but when there is a language barrier + family dynamics + cultural differences, it gets complicated. in your case, either you learn cantonese or learn to let it go.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 02:41     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
You're really taking all these comments well OP. The bottom line is that they ARE being horribly rude, but those of us of your husbands generation are too wimpy and too used to it to chastise our parents. Maybe your daughter will be more sensitive and be a good translator for you soon?

My husband has nagged me enough that I almost always respond to my parent(s) in English so he can hear my part of the conversation, but my Cantonese is weak anyway (I'm half) so that's not a stretch.

I just wanted to at least compliment you on your incredible patience and willingness to try to understand your rude in laws. Wish we all had better advice....
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2014 00:24     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
OP. I wish they can at least speak English at meal time so I can join in and not feel like stranger at the table' and if they have any plan with my daughter, I should be involve in the conversation. Also a few times, my husband told me about something they talked a few days ago that I had value information/opinion. If I had known, it would save them time to find out.
I feel more tension between myself and my ILs, due to the fact that I can't get over this issue so I was hoping someone can point out something to help me. I guess I have to accept this or learn Cantonese.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 22:34     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
I'm surprised by all the suggestions that you learn some Cantonese and doubt they're coming from Cantonese speakers. It's incredibly difficult to learn! Because you speak Vietnamese maybe you'd have a leg up on the tones, but it's very tough. And not useful with anyone but you in laws too.... On the flip side, my American dad had picked up a lot over the years and can carry on conversations in horrible tones. If you do try to learn it, you should watch lots of cheesey action subtitled movies for a fun way to practice.

Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 22:22     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
I think some of this comes down to the people involved. Regardless of language, some people tend to switch languages to accommodate the people around them more than others. We're actually just lately starting to have a bit of an issue with DC speaking Spanish to us when there are others around who he knows don't understand. Sometimes he does it on purpose, but often he just wants to express something that comes out better that way. We always answer in English in that situation, which is a drag because when we're alone we work hard to get him to speak Spanish.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 13:54     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
PP, I wish I could understand why. I guess I am different. I can understand other differences but this issue seem bad to me and can't handle it probably and need help with. I will try the tapping tip next time.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 13:18     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
OP, you're Vietnamese? You should understand why your in-laws are acting the way they are. It's exactly how my Vietnamese in-laws act. You know you're the one expected to fit in and accommodate their ways. Your husband is the bridge.

When I can't catch his eye, I just touch his arm and say, "Translate?" He's not very good at translating either. Simultaneous translation is actually not easy. I wait until he can, and he usually sums up what the conversation was about. It's not great, but it's better than nothing.

Good luck learning some Cantonese. I've only learned to understand very basic Vietnamese words, so I can only guess the subject. And yes, it's all gossip and trivial stuff, but you do want to take part in things rather than sit there like a stone.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 12:50     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:Why don't you try learning Cantonese? It would be a good way to butter up the ILs and it would make them think twice about talking in front of you. You can repeatedly ask them to say something again or ask the meaning of words or just generally gum up their conversations in passive-aggressive ways, while telling them that you are trying to learn their language so you can be more included in their family.



PP, this is what I was thinking to do. But I am normally don't interrupt other's conversation until they are done talking. But they talk a lot that I don't even know when they are done. I think it is rude to interrupt because I don't want others do it to me so I don't do it to other.
Although, I tried it, it did no damage to their conversation, they just carried on. I remember said "Honey, what is it, what is it?" and he just ignored me until he is done with the conversation. It seems like he can't translate as they speak. He has to done with the conversation first and then translate.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 12:42     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the understanding. It feels much better that I am not the only one and reasonable and that I am not too sensitive in this situation. So it seems like with Chinese culture, the younger person get no respect (for this matter) in the family, I married the Chinese husband so I need to blend in. I get it but I can't help with my own feeling.
What bothering a lot is since the baby arrive, they visit my house one night a week and this becomes too much to handle sometimes as I still think they are being rude to me in my own house and I am not good to hide my feeling from my expression.

As I don't want to make more tense between me and his family, what can I do to make myself feel better to ignore this issue? Please give me some advice (especially from Cantonese speaking families) that I am not consider rude to them.

To give you more information, I have done this once and my husband said I was rude.
We were out with his family and his ex-girlfriend, who came to visit for her short school/vacation here from HK, I wasn't happy to go but forced to. It is already awkward enough to be with his ex and now with the group that I don't speak the same language. As usual, they all spoke in Cantonese the whole time and my husband did nothing to engage me into the conversation. I felt very left out and upset. After I finished my food, I was playing food prep with my left over and discard. Ok, I admit I was childish to do this but I got nothing to do and was so bored. When we were back home, he was update and told me how rude I was. I tried to explain why I did what I did, he still thought I was rude so since then I did nothing to improve the situation and I am still pissed to this moment (lol).

I think if you want respect from other, you should show your respect first regardless where you are from. I made this effort at the beginning by trying to learn Cantonese but I lost the respect for them from what feel from them and obviously it makes me feel un-easy but it is not bothering my husband or my ILs.







OP, may I ask what ethnicity are you? I know you're not American, but I wonder if in your culture things are quite as hierarchical as in Asian cultures and that's why you're having a hard time dealing with this.

I'm the PP who lived in Asia for an extended time and married an Asian man. I sometimes think it's a lot easier for me to deal with the cultural differences because I studied some of this cultural stuff for a long time before meeting him and his family. I also sometimes wonder if some people are more predisposed to be exposed to other cultures without being hurt/offended when they are really very different. Like, more sensitive people would be hurt, but less sensitive people wouldn't mind.

It is interesting, though -- even in Japan (which most people think is a super-polite country), there is so much you could be offended by. There's no chivalry at all (men don't treat women special), people don't hold door for each other, etc. It's easy to feel hurt by little stuff if you're sensitive to it!


I'm Vietnamese and I consider Chinese and Vietnamese cultures are very similar and I thought it is an advantage and would be no problem for me to blend in. Soon enough I found I have very different opinion in this matter. I guess all I want from them is some consideration so that I don't feel totally excluded. Do you think I am not supposed to PP as you may know about culture thing than myself.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 12:28     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Why don't you try learning Cantonese? It would be a good way to butter up the ILs and it would make them think twice about talking in front of you. You can repeatedly ask them to say something again or ask the meaning of words or just generally gum up their conversations in passive-aggressive ways, while telling them that you are trying to learn their language so you can be more included in their family.

Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 12:11     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:hehe That sounds exactly like my husband's Vietnamese relatives. They'll sit next to me and ask him something in Vietnamese that they could easily ask me in English. It's just their way among family. I've trained him over many years to try to translate when necessary, and I also have a look I give him that tells him I'd like a translation.


PP, please share what you did to train your husband to translate. My husband seems to avoid eye-contact with me, lol. We usually sit next to each other so I can't really give the look.


Wouldn't just asking him be a good start? "Honey, what was that?" "What are you guys talking about?" No reason not to be a little direct about it -- find a good time to interrupt and ask

Avoiding eye contact when talking to parents is actually a normal thing in Asia! It shows respect. I always have a private chuckle over the fact that my DH and SIL/BILs look like mopey kids when their parents are talking to them (avoiding eye contact). Good times.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 12:08     Subject: Re:My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the understanding. It feels much better that I am not the only one and reasonable and that I am not too sensitive in this situation. So it seems like with Chinese culture, the younger person get no respect (for this matter) in the family, I married the Chinese husband so I need to blend in. I get it but I can't help with my own feeling.
What bothering a lot is since the baby arrive, they visit my house one night a week and this becomes too much to handle sometimes as I still think they are being rude to me in my own house and I am not good to hide my feeling from my expression.

As I don't want to make more tense between me and his family, what can I do to make myself feel better to ignore this issue? Please give me some advice (especially from Cantonese speaking families) that I am not consider rude to them.

To give you more information, I have done this once and my husband said I was rude.
We were out with his family and his ex-girlfriend, who came to visit for her short school/vacation here from HK, I wasn't happy to go but forced to. It is already awkward enough to be with his ex and now with the group that I don't speak the same language. As usual, they all spoke in Cantonese the whole time and my husband did nothing to engage me into the conversation. I felt very left out and upset. After I finished my food, I was playing food prep with my left over and discard. Ok, I admit I was childish to do this but I got nothing to do and was so bored. When we were back home, he was update and told me how rude I was. I tried to explain why I did what I did, he still thought I was rude so since then I did nothing to improve the situation and I am still pissed to this moment (lol).

I think if you want respect from other, you should show your respect first regardless where you are from. I made this effort at the beginning by trying to learn Cantonese but I lost the respect for them from what feel from them and obviously it makes me feel un-easy but it is not bothering my husband or my ILs.







OP, may I ask what ethnicity are you? I know you're not American, but I wonder if in your culture things are quite as hierarchical as in Asian cultures and that's why you're having a hard time dealing with this.

I'm the PP who lived in Asia for an extended time and married an Asian man. I sometimes think it's a lot easier for me to deal with the cultural differences because I studied some of this cultural stuff for a long time before meeting him and his family. I also sometimes wonder if some people are more predisposed to be exposed to other cultures without being hurt/offended when they are really very different. Like, more sensitive people would be hurt, but less sensitive people wouldn't mind.

It is interesting, though -- even in Japan (which most people think is a super-polite country), there is so much you could be offended by. There's no chivalry at all (men don't treat women special), people don't hold door for each other, etc. It's easy to feel hurt by little stuff if you're sensitive to it!
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 11:40     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:hehe That sounds exactly like my husband's Vietnamese relatives. They'll sit next to me and ask him something in Vietnamese that they could easily ask me in English. It's just their way among family. I've trained him over many years to try to translate when necessary, and I also have a look I give him that tells him I'd like a translation.


PP, please share what you did to train your husband to translate. My husband seems to avoid eye-contact with me, lol. We usually sit next to each other so I can't really give the look.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 11:19     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
hehe That sounds exactly like my husband's Vietnamese relatives. They'll sit next to me and ask him something in Vietnamese that they could easily ask me in English. It's just their way among family. I've trained him over many years to try to translate when necessary, and I also have a look I give him that tells him I'd like a translation.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2014 11:13     Subject: My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present
Anonymous wrote:OP, why won't your husband translate here and there for you? Take it up with him. He sounds very inconsiderate.


He will translate if I ask and I don't feel to ask every sentence they say. I can imagine it is very annoyed being asked like that. Should I do that to annoy him? and he will translate if something is really funny that he wants to share with me.
A lot of time, my MIL will tell my husband in Cantonese to ask me a question when she can totally just ask me directly. She does this even when I am right there with them. This is another time my husband would translate.