You must have had the appointment before you started the thread earlier today. What was the point of this thread?

I just have to tell you again - you are a GREAT step mom!!!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have posted twice in support. I've been thinking about those who think the mother should be contacted.

I do think this is your SD's story to tell her mother as she is over 18. She can tell her before or after surgery, or simply wait until her mother notices it (I suppose there's a chance she won't).

Your DH needs to have a good narrative for the mother should she contact him about it to defuse tension given there is another child involved.

Perhaps something along the lines of his talk with the therapist made him realize for the first time how much her nose had affected her self esteem and likely played a role in her spinning out of control. Once he heard that, he saw getting the surgery as crucial to a successful recovery, which he is sure the mother agrees is the most important thing for SD.

THANK YOU!! This really is sound advice. OP here and thank you all for your comments and compliments. Believe me when I tell you that my step daughter deserves all the credit for her turn-around in life. We are very grateful to a fantastic rehab program for her, a wonderful therapist and great and compassionate tutors - but all the hard work done was by my step daughter. She is an inspiration.

I'm taking SD up to NYC this Tuesday to meet with the plastic surgeon. DH actually does believe what you wrote PP - he had no idea how much her self-esteem was damaged by the teasing about her nose and her feelings about being the only one to have inherited DH's nose out of the three girls. More than that, this is her fresh start.

I'm sure we will leave the final decision up to SD - if she wants to go through with it we will support her.

As for her mother, PP's point is well taken. It is up to SD to relay the information to her mother but Dh will be there to back her up. I only pray she doesn't start more nonsense with the youngest step daughter (who is a sweetheart and doesn't deserve to be used like this). But SD does need for us to put her needs ahead of any potential issues her sister may have in the future. Ex-wife might come around and all of our fears put to rest anyway.


Thank you all. This has been a really informative day for me with all of you. Even those who disagree gave me reason to pause and think through what we are doing.

Thanks again.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have posted twice in support. I've been thinking about those who think the mother should be contacted.

I do think this is your SD's story to tell her mother as she is over 18. She can tell her before or after surgery, or simply wait until her mother notices it (I suppose there's a chance she won't).

Your DH needs to have a good narrative for the mother should she contact him about it to defuse tension given there is another child involved.

Perhaps something along the lines of his talk with the therapist made him realize for the first time how much her nose had affected her self esteem and likely played a role in her spinning out of control. Once he heard that, he saw getting the surgery as crucial to a successful recovery, which he is sure the mother agrees is the most important thing for SD.

This is good advice, OP.

OP, I have posted twice in support. I've been thinking about those who think the mother should be contacted.

I do think this is your SD's story to tell her mother as she is over 18. She can tell her before or after surgery, or simply wait until her mother notices it (I suppose there's a chance she won't).

Your DH needs to have a good narrative for the mother should she contact him about it to defuse tension given there is another child involved.

Perhaps something along the lines of his talk with the therapist made him realize for the first time how much her nose had affected her self esteem and likely played a role in her spinning out of control. Once he heard that, he saw getting the surgery as crucial to a successful recovery, which he is sure the mother agrees is the most important thing for SD.

Yes, do it.

I already weighed in on this - my vote is yes. Let her get her nose fixed.

But at some point, OP, I would love to hear how your stepdaughter went from such a dark and destructive place to this good and forward moving place she is in now - if that is something you could or would want to share. Not now, but at some point and under a different subject line.

Many of us have teenagers who may be at risk or seem to be slipping in the same downward direction. I can imagine the "crisis" was bad.

She and you and DH have a lot to be proud of.

OP, your step daughter went off the rails living with her mother. That is why she ended up with you. You got her the help she needed including therapy, which her dear mother chose not to participate in. Then all of this business about the mother always forgetting things? She sounds dreadful and you sound like an awesome step mom! Step daughter is 18, she can do what she wants to her face legally so I say let her do it! It will be better to get it done now before she goes off to college and since she has done such a great job of turning herself around with YOUR help, I think this would be a great way for her to continue to feel better about herself and keep herself on track. Make that appointment!

Quite frankly, I think it sounds like the younger daughter would be better off if she ended up with you too. The mother sounds terrible. You have done all of the right things including consulting with the therapist. Do not listen to the naysayers on this thread. Good luck and let us know what you decide!

OP,

The key here is that your stepdaughter is legally an adult, therefore, she can decide to get the nose job, regardless of where she gets the money from!

So pay for it, and make sure the surgeon is experienced in that kind of surgery.

Congratulations to your stepdaughter for turning things around.

Your stepdaughter is amazing, OP, getting sober, stay sober and finishing high school is an unbelievable accomplishment for a young woman.

Let her get the nose job. If her nose is something that has always bothered her, let her take that off her list.

Anonymous wrote:May I ask if she is Jewish?

No, she is Irish (Catholic) on both sides.

May I ask if she is Jewish?

My daughter begged us to let her get a nose job from the time she was 10. I always thought she was beautiful and didn't think she needed one. Finally between high school and going away to college we agreed and she had her procedure. She was so happy from the very first time she saw her bruised and swollen new nose and she never once complained about the pain. She was happier, more confident and went off to college with this confidence.

I feel very bad that I made her wait as long as I did.

Put me down as another vote to let your stepdaughter get rhinoplasty.

Anonymous wrote:OP,
How bad is her nose?

14:09 the Psycho 101 advice, as you so disparagingly put it, is SOP for all plastic surgery plus OP's stepdaughter has been through much more than many teens her age so her psychological readiness seems more of a concern.

She is a beautiful girl with a pronounced nose (her Dad's nose). She has always hated it and, as I wrote, was teased about it when she was a child.

My step daughter has been in therapy five times a week the first 6 months she was out of rehab and three times a week since. As I mentioned, she has been talking to her therapist about this for over a year and she supports my step daughter's decision.

OP,
How bad is her nose?

14:09 the Psycho 101 advice, as you so disparagingly put it, is SOP for all plastic surgery plus OP's stepdaughter has been through much more than many teens her age so her psychological readiness seems more of a concern.