Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 12:41     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Maybe she is an introvert. Why do you assume if her kid was NT, you'd be bosom buddies. Why do you need to talk to her? To make you feel like the big hero for friending the SN mom? I see many of the same people every day at our pool. Outside of "Hi." We do not talk that much. Maybe a bit more small talk, maybe not. I am at the pool to swim with my kids not have deep conversations.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 12:28     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:Np here and my kids are young and we haven't actually faced this situation yet. I am grateful to have read the responses here though, so I can make sure to model inclusiveness for them. If I walk up and say hi and start a conversation, and my 3 yr old says something like: "Mommy what's wrong with him?" What do you all advise saying? Should I prep her with a "different, not wrong" kind of statement to try to avoid that question? I agree with pp above that it is my job to teach my kids how to navigate this, but I appreciate all of your perspectives.


Not a big deal...special needs moms know when a little kid is just trying to ask an innocent question. This age is very tenderhearted.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 12:27     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:NP here. All the above conflicting advice is very confusing. Last week I was on a packed metro near a mom with two early-teen kids. The mom told others that they were visiting DC from out of town. Her dd (about 12yo) was severely disabled physically, and appeared non-verbal. I found myself looking a little too long at her, largely because she had a strikingly beautiful face. Really gorgeous. The ds (guessing around 14yo) was handsome and physically normal.
The mom was doing a great job standing on the train maneuvering the wheelchair around commuters, and the DS sat on the front of the chair to stay out of people's way. He was amazing with his sister -- leaning in to whisper to her and lovingly pinching her nose, which made her face light up. I was incredibly touched by his behavior and spent most of the ride with tears in my eyes.

When I walked by her to get off the train I told her that she has a beautiful family. She said thank you. I felt good about the whole thing, but reading all the above, I'm now wondering if I wasn't appropriate and should have not said anything.


Absolutely fine by me...and I can't imagine anyone reasonable being offended. Who doesn't want to be told they have a beautiful family?

Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 11:45     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
NP here. All the above conflicting advice is very confusing. Last week I was on a packed metro near a mom with two early-teen kids. The mom told others that they were visiting DC from out of town. Her dd (about 12yo) was severely disabled physically, and appeared non-verbal. I found myself looking a little too long at her, largely because she had a strikingly beautiful face. Really gorgeous. The ds (guessing around 14yo) was handsome and physically normal.
The mom was doing a great job standing on the train maneuvering the wheelchair around commuters, and the DS sat on the front of the chair to stay out of people's way. He was amazing with his sister -- leaning in to whisper to her and lovingly pinching her nose, which made her face light up. I was incredibly touched by his behavior and spent most of the ride with tears in my eyes.

When I walked by her to get off the train I told her that she has a beautiful family. She said thank you. I felt good about the whole thing, but reading all the above, I'm now wondering if I wasn't appropriate and should have not said anything.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 11:09     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about "It's good to see you at the pool today!"


No do not say this if you are not friends. She will just think you Are crazy


Ya know...so what? Yes, it's a bit awkward but the person saying it is making an effort and means well, so I would receive their gesture in the manner in which it was extended. My DD doesn't have visible disabilities except for stimming, and her classmates have asked me about it - and given an answer that made sense to them they just accepted it and moved on - it was no longer an issue.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 11:05     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Op, just talk to the woman like any other person - ask her where she lives, how old her son is etc. If you child asks a question about the child's disability, I would say you don't know, it isn't our business, but you can ask Ms. X and she will answer if she feels like it.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 11:03     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:Just go up to her talk to her like you would any other person.


+1
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:48     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Pp here. I already have a rule about not commenting on people's bodies except to say that someone looks good or beautiful, but like many kids, she's made the occasional comment that someone is big or short, etc. Maybe just a reminder of that and then plow through?
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:40     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Np here and my kids are young and we haven't actually faced this situation yet. I am grateful to have read the responses here though, so I can make sure to model inclusiveness for them. If I walk up and say hi and start a conversation, and my 3 yr old says something like: "Mommy what's wrong with him?" What do you all advise saying? Should I prep her with a "different, not wrong" kind of statement to try to avoid that question? I agree with pp above that it is my job to teach my kids how to navigate this, but I appreciate all of your perspectives.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:06     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about "It's good to see you at the pool today!"


No do not say this if you are not friends. She will just think you Are crazy


Actually, my little girl and I went to the National Gallery over spring break. She loved looking at the paintings from her wheelchair. We got the usual stares amid being ignored. However, one woman came over and with a smile said to us "I'm so glad you are here!" At first I thought 'What a nutter!' but the more I've thought about it over the months the more I've treasured this oddball and her act of kindness and inclusion. In my memory it has become heartwarming. Thank you, kindhearted museumgoer.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 10:02     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:How about "It's good to see you at the pool today!"


No do not say this if you are not friends. She will just think you Are crazy
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 07:10     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.


WT_? The kids are 4 and 6. They stare at people, things, animals or whatever if they're confused or just curious. Don't assume they have the judgmental intent that adults often use when staring.

OP, I hate to use the phrase "teaching moment", but that's what it is. Or better yet, it's a "learning moment" for you and your children. Whether or not the mom of the SN kid needs help or friends, your own children could use some help to process the world around them. Ignoring people is not "polite". Being respectful and genuinely compassionate is polite. The keys are not shying away from a situation (ask your kids why they are staring) and help them (and yourself) frame questions and conversations in a way that focuses on your thoughts and feelings.

"Excuse me. I hope you don't mind the intrusion, but my kids [insert names] and I [name] have seen you here before. Since we're all part of the same community, we'd like to introduce ourselves. [Polite introductions like kids should do with anyone.] My kids asked me some questions, but I don't have the answers. Is it OK if they ask you themselves? [Q&A] Is there anything you'd like to ask the kids about themselves? [Q&A] Thanks for sharing. See you next week!" If things get awkward or you feel like you said the wrong thing, just apologize. We're all just parents. We're not perfect.

I'm a mom of two SN kids and I'm a visible minority. If I had a dollar for every stare, I'd be richer than Oprah. lol Like PPs have said, everyone's different at some point. That's what we have in common.

Good for you for asking, OP. Enjoy the pool!


Are you out of your mind?


Agreed. This is TERRIBLE advice. You might as well walk up to them and say "Hi, I see your child is a freak, tell me about it." This PP is obviously not the parent of a child with SN.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 06:36     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
How about "It's good to see you at the pool today!"
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 06:02     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
Anonymous wrote:OP again.
The last two PPs just show how different people are and, what some may think as polite, others will not.
Hence the hesitations that I HAD.


I think some of the previous posters had it corect. Say hello and strt a conversation like she was any other mother at the pool. "Hi, I saw you last week, we seem to be on the same schudule. Haasn't the weather been fantatic this week. " or "I love your bathing suit, where did you get it?" or " I have some extra cupcakes this morning, wold you like one?" or "SOme of us get together at the snack bar area at 11:30 for lunch, would you like to join us?", later you canask the other querstions "Where did you grow up?", "What school does your daughter go? Mine attend Lincoln ES."
....

With questions like that you won't have to worry if the person is in a sensitive stage or not. Just be friendly and treat her like you would any other mom. If you become friends, then you can ask other questions- as a new aquaintance or friend not as a stranger.

Being included in normal day to day activities is something that many SN moms don't get. It is wonderful when we are. Inclusion is more than just in the classroom.
Anonymous
Post 06/30/2014 06:00     Subject: Why I don't chat with this SN parent.
When I say I'm left to parent your kids, I mean I am left to guide them through this encounter. Which is your job. The anger and/or anxiety children experience when they see other children are disabled are normal. I get that. Differences provoke anxiety. But it's not my job to help your kids process that. It's your job. You need to expose them to the fact that some kids do, in fact, have disabilities, and that their world is not the whole world.

And for god's sake model inclusion for them. They are not going to learn it any other way. If you ignore Special Needs families, what do you think they are going to do?