Anonymous wrote:Why the hell are morons arguing about years of sexlessness when this thread is about new parents?

Put your soapboxes away, folks. It makes you look unhinged. Years without sex is not OP's problem. Feel free to start yet another sexless marriage thread.

Because a PP talked about a year with no sex after the baby.....

Wife here. I didn't have drive either, but did it because that was DH's love language. I know, sappy but true. He feels loved when I have sex with him. Many times, I just went through the motions, because that's what you do when you love someone, you sacrifice for their sake. Eight years later, we are happy and it's no longer effort.

Anonymous wrote:Why the hell are morons arguing about years of sexlessness when this thread is about new parents?

Put your soapboxes away, folks. It makes you look unhinged. Years without sex is not OP's problem. Feel free to start yet another sexless marriage thread.

+1

Why the hell are morons arguing about years of sexlessness when this thread is about new parents?

Put your soapboxes away, folks. It makes you look unhinged. Years without sex is not OP's problem. Feel free to start yet another sexless marriage thread.

You didn't read the first part of what I wrote: "a certain amount of that is great." I honestly like touching my wife. But if I was rubbing my wife's feet week after week, month after month, year after year, and she wasn't so much as scratching my back, that would be a huge problem. It goes from a loving exchange of touches to me being her personal masseuse, being subservient to her needs, desperate for a little returned affection.

So, a few weeks of unreciprocated, nonsexual touching to maintain the connection - sure. A few months? Maybe. A few years? I don't think so.

Anonymous wrote:When does "being affectionate without the hard sell" turn into "kissing her ass with no reciprocation?" Because a certain amount of that is great. Too much of it becomes emasculating.

Is lightly rubbing your beloved wife's feet while watching TV "kissing he ass"?

Is putting your hand on her back while she cook's dinner?

Who are you? Showing affection to someone you care about is never "kissing their ass" regardless of the reciprocation (or lack of). Of course OP and his wife need to find a way to come back together sexually, but it isn't going to happen magically because of something someone posted on DCUM; it's going to take work and willingness from both of them. In the meantime, while one or both of them is doing that work or preparing the other partner for it, OP should continue to be physically affectionate with his wife. Withdrawing those attentions would only broaden th divide between them and entrench his wife in her position. Can you really not see that?

If nursing is killing your libido, you should expedite weaning the kid. Six months to a year - fine. If your sex life is suffering, there's no good reason to go longer than that.

I recall to talking to my ob 6-8 weeks post partI'm why I had no drive and why it hurt. I'm a nursing mom. She explained while nursing I have the hormones if an 80 you old woman. Anyway my drive honestly stated to return 14 months .

Mother of three and most of you women need to stop us ing post pregnancy hormones, and all the other excuses for not being a wife. OP, find a girlfriend.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand the frustration. I'm a DW whose husband has had almost zero interest in sex for the past, oh, about 8 years. It is a constant source of frustration for me. He's on anti-depressants that kill his libido and hinder his ability to orgasm, but he won't try changing them. According to some here I should have packed my bags long ago, or just be having affairs. Assuming those posting believe the same rules apply for men and women.

Anyway, if you're still within the first 6 months, give it some more time. Especially if your DW is nursing. After 6 months, address it with your DW (and a therapist if necessary) if you're not seeing some progress.

Yes. Pack your shit if he won't TRY to fix the problem. One person completely denying sex, for whatever reason, leaves the person wanting sex in an ethical dilemma. This isn't food where you can go to a restaurant to get what your wife won't cook. It's far more complex. Marriage without sex is a shitty contract keeping roommates legally bound and nothing more.

OP, I understand the frustration. I'm a DW whose husband has had almost zero interest in sex for the past, oh, about 8 years. It is a constant source of frustration for me. He's on anti-depressants that kill his libido and hinder his ability to orgasm, but he won't try changing them. According to some here I should have packed my bags long ago, or just be having affairs. Assuming those posting believe the same rules apply for men and women.

Anyway, if you're still within the first 6 months, give it some more time. Especially if your DW is nursing. After 6 months, address it with your DW (and a therapist if necessary) if you're not seeing some progress.

When does "being affectionate without the hard sell" turn into "kissing her ass with no reciprocation?" Because a certain amount of that is great. Too much of it becomes emasculating.

I'm not going to read this thread all the way through but

1) welcome to having an infant
2) if you're affectionate without the hard sell your wife's libido will come back faster and more passionately, it's essential to keep a physical connection
3) talk to your wife about her feelings and her needs as well as your feelings and your needs; if one of you isn't being straightforward and honest you are in for a long six years.

You don't tell your husband what's going on because you're afraid he'll leave you or something if he knew, but OP should talk to his wife and find out what's up? Not sure I follow.

Being patient is fine, but what are we talking about? A year? Two? Five? And if taking a wait and see approach doesn't work, what should the low drive spouse be doing about it, if anything? (Generally the high drive spouse can be expected to put in some effort because he/she is motivated - the expectations for the low drive spouse seem to be less clear in these discussions.)