Anonymous wrote:If you have a female friend and you think she's lying to you. What is the correct thing to do?

If you have a female friend and you think she talks about you behind your back. What is the correct thing to do?

If your friend is upset about her marriage. What is the correct thing to say?

I'm obviously choosing the wrong answers.

1. What's the lie and how close is the friendship? If it's a new or casual friend, I might just cut them loose. Don't engage. I don't have relationships with people who lie to me. If it's a close friend, I have to believe there is a reason for the lie. Does she think she has to hide something from me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? Does she think I would disapprove? Depending on here circumstance I might want to ask her about just to make sure everything is okay.

2. I'm not friends with people who talk about me behind my back. I would distance and disengage. If it's a close, longtime friend, I would have to assume something serious is going on and I would ask her. This is rare, though.

3. "I am so sorry you're going through that. It sounds hard. You can vent as much you want. I hope things get better." Etc. etc.

Anonymous wrote:If you have a female friend and you think she's lying to you. What is the correct thing to do?

If you have a female friend and you think she talks about you behind your back. What is the correct thing to do?

If your friend is upset about her marriage. What is the correct thing to say?

I'm obviously choosing the wrong answers.

Depends on what the lie is about and what they say behind my back. Hey, we all do it. Let's not pretend any of us are above lying or talking about people behind their backs. If you want to remain friends, why not say "I'm hurt you would say xyz." Because that's what it's really about, right? When friends are upset about marriage, I swear, until divorce papers are filed (hell, even after in my case once*) you don't say shit about their spouses. You say, "that must be so hard," "I'm so sorry you're going through this," "is there anything I can do?" Noncommittal.


*Friend complained nonstop about her husband. I kept my mouth ZIPPED until after the divorce was final and then finally opened up. Damn if she didn't get back together with the guy post-divorce. They dated for two years. But in the meantime, she told him shit I said, she told me shit he said. When they started dating, I said, "that's totally your decision and whatever makes you happy, but I'll never hang out with him." It was OK. We remained friends after that, after she split, and through her next divorce too.

NP here. I'm a woman, historically very suspicious of any woman who proclaims that other women are too hard to get along with. I believe in opposite sex friendships so it's not that. I just don't believe that women, in general, are catty or mean or any more difficult than men. I do think that women usually seek out deeper, more emotional friendships than men do, so if you are uncomfortable with that I suppose it makes sense that you might feel more comfortable with men. Even so I have plenty of casual female friends so it's certainly possible.

I haven't had a problem with female friends lying to me or talking about me behind my back since I was in high school.

If you have a female friend and you think she's lying to you. What is the correct thing to do?

If you have a female friend and you think she talks about you behind your back. What is the correct thing to do?

If your friend is upset about her marriage. What is the correct thing to say?

I'm obviously choosing the wrong answers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can play the game...but that doesn't mean those women are my real friends. I can socialize with all of DS buddies' wives, but if I don't trust them then I don't let them in to see the real me. I keep it superficial and I don't go out of my way to make plans with them. They probably think we are friends but they don't have my heart the way my true friends do.

The fact that you feel the need to "play the game" with people, an entire gender in fact, and don't see a problem with such behavior or see the hypocrisy of your rationale speaks volumes. You say you dislike women and cannot befriend them because they are untrustworthy and yet YOU are the one being disingenuous. You're the one keeping it superficial and you're the one not letting them in to see the real you - whether their actions warrant such trust or not you deliberately pass judgement and decree ALL women despicable. Lol - and you wonder why you have trouble being friends with them.
Hmmph...you're every bit of a bitch as these women you claim to despise and even more so and I'm sure women see it. I'm sure women see it and want no part of being anything but a casual acquaintance with you and you're pissed because they see you for who YOU are and not the other way around. That's why you prefer the company of men - not because they're more sociable or you're personalities are more proportionate, but because women don't want shit to do with you.

OP here. Not PP. but I do understand her frustration. What is the secret to all of your successful female friendships? Please don't just say be nice. It seems like women are very easy to offend or they take me wrong. I'll give you an example. My friends husband was constantly inviting a girl from high school that he used to be interested in to their parties. My friend hated it and would tell him. He was also lying about text and emails from her. One night when we went out for drinks she was balling her eyes out about this. Saying she that she is so alone and if he leaves her she'll have no one.... I listen and tried to calm her down. I asked whats the worst that would happen? And would she ever consider leaving him? I wanted her to realize she won't actually die. I also said that he's acting like an ass and that we love her and will be her friend no matter what. A few days later she tells him I that I think he's an ass and that I think she should leave him. So that starts a fight between her and I.

Well, hell, these are the guy friends you have, and you want more??! This isn't an example of "women." This is an example of a woman who's been cheated on, lied to, likely manipulated, and is reacting in a very raw way, and taking it out on someone who is not her husband that she can lash out to. For whatever it's worth, I would have said and done the same thing, but whenever you weigh in on someone's relationship, you always run the risk of being the bad guy when they reconcile. That's just the way it is.

I find it very unattractive when a woman cannot get along with women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can play the game...but that doesn't mean those women are my real friends. I can socialize with all of DS buddies' wives, but if I don't trust them then I don't let them in to see the real me. I keep it superficial and I don't go out of my way to make plans with them. They probably think we are friends but they don't have my heart the way my true friends do.

The fact that you feel the need to "play the game" with people, an entire gender in fact, and don't see a problem with such behavior or see the hypocrisy of your rationale speaks volumes. You say you dislike women and cannot befriend them because they are untrustworthy and yet YOU are the one being disingenuous. You're the one keeping it superficial and you're the one not letting them in to see the real you - whether their actions warrant such trust or not you deliberately pass judgement and decree ALL women despicable. Lol - and you wonder why you have trouble being friends with them.
Hmmph...you're every bit of a bitch as these women you claim to despise and even more so and I'm sure women see it. I'm sure women see it and want no part of being anything but a casual acquaintance with you and you're pissed because they see you for who YOU are and not the other way around. That's why you prefer the company of men - not because they're more sociable or you're personalities are more proportionate, but because women don't want shit to do with you.

The group of women I was mentioning are DHs friends wives. I don't trust them as real friends because they eviscerate their other friends behind their backs. I have heard this directly... Talk about how terrible her clothes, hair, parenting, weight etc etc.

Is that not despicible? Should I aim for these people to be my real friends? My therapist says NO.

And again its not that I don't have any female friends. My best friend is female and we have been close since 7th grade.

All I'm saying is I don't automatically try to make friends with women because I have been bullied so much by them. If you haven't run in to people like that then great.

Or maybe you ARE someone like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can play the game...but that doesn't mean those women are my real friends. I can socialize with all of DS buddies' wives, but if I don't trust them then I don't let them in to see the real me. I keep it superficial and I don't go out of my way to make plans with them. They probably think we are friends but they don't have my heart the way my true friends do.

The fact that you feel the need to "play the game" with people, an entire gender in fact, and don't see a problem with such behavior or see the hypocrisy of your rationale speaks volumes. You say you dislike women and cannot befriend them because they are untrustworthy and yet YOU are the one being disingenuous. You're the one keeping it superficial and you're the one not letting them in to see the real you - whether their actions warrant such trust or not you deliberately pass judgement and decree ALL women despicable. Lol - and you wonder why you have trouble being friends with them.
Hmmph...you're every bit of a bitch as these women you claim to despise and even more so and I'm sure women see it. I'm sure women see it and want no part of being anything but a casual acquaintance with you and you're pissed because they see you for who YOU are and not the other way around. That's why you prefer the company of men - not because they're more sociable or you're personalities are more proportionate, but because women don't want shit to do with you.

OP here. Not PP. but I do understand her frustration. What is the secret to all of your successful female friendships? Please don't just say be nice. It seems like women are very easy to offend or they take me wrong. I'll give you an example. My friends husband was constantly inviting a girl from high school that he used to be interested in to their parties. My friend hated it and would tell him. He was also lying about text and emails from her. One night when we went out for drinks she was balling her eyes out about this. Saying she that she is so alone and if he leaves her she'll have no one.... I listen and tried to calm her down. I asked whats the worst that would happen? And would she ever consider leaving him? I wanted her to realize she won't actually die. I also said that he's acting like an ass and that we love her and will be her friend no matter what. A few days later she tells him I that I think he's an ass and that I think she should leave him. So that starts a fight between her and I.

Anonymous wrote:I can play the game...but that doesn't mean those women are my real friends. I can socialize with all of DS buddies' wives, but if I don't trust them then I don't let them in to see the real me. I keep it superficial and I don't go out of my way to make plans with them. They probably think we are friends but they don't have my heart the way my true friends do.

The fact that you feel the need to "play the game" with people, an entire gender in fact, and don't see a problem with such behavior or see the hypocrisy of your rationale speaks volumes. You say you dislike women and cannot befriend them because they are untrustworthy and yet YOU are the one being disingenuous. You're the one keeping it superficial and you're the one not letting them in to see the real you - whether their actions warrant such trust or not you deliberately pass judgement and decree ALL women despicable. Lol - and you wonder why you have trouble being friends with them.
Hmmph...you're every bit of a bitch as these women you claim to despise and even more so and I'm sure women see it. I'm sure women see it and want no part of being anything but a casual acquaintance with you and you're pissed because they see you for who YOU are and not the other way around. That's why you prefer the company of men - not because they're more sociable or you're personalities are more proportionate, but because women don't want shit to do with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn how to make friends with women. Why do you prefer male friends?

Don't listen to this. You are allowed to prefer male friends. I do. I was a little sister in a frat rather than join a sorority.

Reading this site has confirmed my preference for male friends. What a bunch of not nice people. Makes for good reading though!

I think its weird when women say they can't make women friends. The only piece of dating advice I have ever given a man is don't date a woman who can't make good/real women friends and claims to like men as friends better. Its usually those women that bring all the dram and jealousy. There is a reason women don't want to hang with her! Yuck on little sisters. Much better to be part of a woman first organization than a hanger on in the boys club. I highly value and respect my women friends. But I try to show that to them.

+1 to the bolded part. I've also ran from dating any woman who said the dreaded "I get along better with guys than girls." There's just something about someone that can't play the game and get along that invites problems down the road.

I can play the game...but that doesn't mean those women are my real friends. I can socialize with all of DS buddies' wives, but if I don't trust them then I don't let them in to see the real me. I keep it superficial and I don't go out of my way to make plans with them. They probably think we are friends but they don't have my heart the way my true friends do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call it intuition but I got a feeling OP is somewhere between average and ugly so seriously doubt there'd be any worries from her husband about somebody stealing her away.

Once again another example of why I don't go out of my way to make female friends.

I'd rather have beer pong buddies than catty back-stabbing frenemies. And obviously those friendships with my frat brothers evolved from college...did you read the part about my sons godfather?

Off the top of my head I can think of four women who have been deliberately mean and hateful to me. One guy has done so...and he was the only one to apologize.

But you admitted that when you get into a fight, you're not so nice, and that you're probably the problem. So don't blame "frenimies" and cattiness on what are, by your own admission, simply consequences to your own bad behavior. So you are looking to set your bar lower, so that you can meet those standards.

That's not being mean to say that. That's pointing out what you yourself are saying. Most women want more than that and expect their friends to not say "not nice" things when they fight. Why do you want that for yourself but aren't willing to give it?

Um I'm not OP I'm PP who was a frat little sister. If any thing I'm too nice and some people see that as a weakness to exploit. So they put me down to make themselves feel better. Again this is mostly women. When people say mean things to me IRL I freeze up or burst into tears...and they "win" in their eyes.

And you sound a little too caught up in that "cool girl who can hang out with the boys" kind. But if it works for you and elevates your self-esteem, all the power to you.

I needed to boost my self-esteem after being the victim of so much mean girl bulliying.

I don't see why this is such a conundrum...be yourself and you'll make friends.

Op , I understand where you're comIng from. I feel similar . I'm hoping for answers too- I've really had struggles in this area recently , including a longtime guy friend who got put on a short leash by his new little gf ( whom I tried hard to couple friend with Dh and I!!!!)

So I'm missing friend much and would like another . I am friendly with some mom friends but not close. Its hard.