Anonymous wrote:

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

They should, if he has a young kid the same age.

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that anybody on here would be suggesting cutting this guy a break - no way they're parents. This would be an immediate deal-breaker for me. There have gotta be other red flags...right OP? Has he met your son? Has he had any trouble with the law, like his ex?

Not a parent myself, and I wouldn't cut that guy the tiniest bit of slack if I were paid to. He has no business being in a relationship with someone with kids - unless they do their thing in private and he never interacts with the child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want to punish him for a decision he made 6 years ago, to place his child in the hand of its loving grandparents?

How is she "punishing" anyone? She is trying to decide if she should consider dating someone. Whether she stays or moves on, there is no punishment involved here.

Or are you one of those immature, manipulative people who treats every decision that doesn't suit you as a "punishment?" If so, that's not how life works.

+ 1.

Also, to the OP: deal breaker. Major deal breaker.

Anonymous wrote:It's not only about the money.
It's about the responsibility.
I know of 2 women who had to sign a prenup that if they got pregnant, they had to terminate the fetus.

And they went ahead and married the guy regardless of that? Seesh. Also, if he was so hellbent on not having children (which I totally get, since I'm childfree) how about a vasectomy?

Not getting sterilization and demanding one's wife undergoes an abortion if she gets pregnant is what, in my country, we call "being a homosexual with someone else's ass".

So, is every mother who gives her child up for adoption because she doesn't feel she can raise the child also going to get this "run away" advice when some male asks this question?

As a mother who adopted, I would want to know more about the situation and decide from there. At age 6, are you willing to co-parent and if he brought the child to live with him and deal with the transition and instability from being pulled from the home he knows? There is a lot more to the story. If he did not feel he could parent alone, its was the responsible thing to let the grandparents do it. He may not have been able to afford child care, housing and other necessities or have the family help to get him through it. At this point, it makes no sense to move the child and legally makes sense to adopt so the child can get the grandparents social security and other benefits if they die.

Anonymous wrote:Walk away. No, run away.

OP I think the numbers are going to weigh heavily on this side. We affirm your sense that this is all not a good sign for a future life partner. You know it already.

Also, this could be just the tip of the iceberg. Its an iceberg unto itself though.

Do the right thing and at least take an extended break from him and see how it feels.

Walk away. No, run away.

happy=happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently started seeing this guy and things are going pretty good so far.
Except one thing kinda bothers me. He has a six year old son that he had with and former girlfriend that now lives with her parents and is in the process of being formally adopted by them.

Shortly after his birth, both him and his former GF signed away their parental rights to the child.
The GF because she was in prison and the guy I am seeing because he says he wasn't in a good place financially and didn't think he could be a good father and provide for his son. I get a hunch that he didn't want to pay child support for eighteen years.

My problem is that I have a six year old son and I cannot even imagine absolving my parental rights no matter what. If I had to peddle apples on the street corner, I would.
I like this guy, but this really bothers me that he could do something like this.
Is this a deal breaker?

OK, I'm going to be contrary.

First, I don't think it's fair to compare your child with his. Was your child planned for and expected? Was his? What I'm trying to say is suppose his ex GF accidentally-on-purpose got prego in a way to "trap" him (which is unthinkable, yeah, but we're talking a jailbird here) or something. His feelings about the child are probably very much different than yours.

Second, he came clean and told you the truth about something he likely knew you'd have some issue with. If he were a real scumbag trying to get out of something, would he have bothered?

Third, at the time it sounded like he was handed a bunch of bad choices and he had to make the least-crappy one that worked best for the kid. The *easy* thing would have been to abort the baby, and they didn't go that route. I gotta hand them all credit for that.

Main thing you have to decide is if you're subconsciously looking for a way out of this relationship and thinking this could be an excuse.

No one here knows the guy or the situation like you do. But as for me and what I've heard so far, I'm inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Lord almighty I detest this line of thinking, as if pregnancy can happy by a vengeful slut on her own. TWO people have sex. TWO people take the equal risk of pregnancy. And at 26, he should own up to it.

OP is he a part of his biological child's life in any way at this point? If he used to be a fuckup and wanted to stay out of the kid's life for the kid's benefit that's cool. But if he is still staying away it's either because he still hasn't gotten his shit together, or he has no desire to be a part of his biological child's life. If it's the former you don't want him. If it's the latter, as a father and as a man who was estranged from his father from a young age, and who has had friends who for various reasons have been kept from their children against their will, that seems like a huge character flaw.

I don't see how he could be a good potential stepfather to your child, and god forbid you have a kid with him.

If you're just looking for a good lay, fine, but if you are looking for something substantial move on

OP, this has red flags all over it. Mostly b/c you can't conceive (yikes, bad pun) of doing what he's done. If that is the case, and this isn't some thing from his teens...what type of advice do you want to hear?

While I can come up with some reasons to explain the situation, if I tried really, really hard. The bottom line is, for those of us here who are parents, giving up all rights to a child whose mother is in jail, in favor of her parents, is hard to understand. Great to have them involved or for the boy to live with them the majority of the time -- even if that's the case, most people don't give up parental rights under normal circumstances.

I'm still curious -- why is the mom in jail and what was going on in your BF's life at the time? Did he have an addiction, mental health issues, in school? Something? Every situation is different, but someone whose pregnant GF wound up in jail and he didn't step up for his child...well, call me judgmental, but I'm not interested in building a life with that guy. You have a child already, so I'm guessing you're divorced -- you should be looking for a guy that makes life easy and better in some way. Not this guy.

Anonymous wrote:He was 26 when the kid was born? And he's 32 now? And would rather sign over his rights to his child to the parents of someone who is in prison than have access to his child because it means he has to pay child support?

Do I really need to give you advice here?

This!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: But six years is recent. If he was so unprepared to be a father to his own child at that point, he can't have changed that much in the intervening years.

Why not?

Freshmen entering undergraduate are very different than graduating Seniors, and even more different than those who finish Grad school.

Six years of effort in the Army is the time between Private and coming up on Staff Sergeant.

It isn't fair to take an arbitrary time frame and declare ipso facto that it's impossible to change. We don't know what happened to this fellow in the intervening time. Having to make a choice like he did could very well have given him a severe reality shot and inspired him to make changes in his life. The OP says she likes him, and here he's being condemned as a selfish man-child via some pretty thin gruel.

I'm still inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Most college freshmen are 18/19. At 26, I wouldn't describe him as a man-child.

Anonymous wrote:I have another thought, why wasn't he interested in co-parenting with the maternal grandparents? I assume GF will be in prison for at least a decade.

I think your hunch is right, he didn't want to be financially responsible for his son so he signed him over.


OP, you know you can do better than this guy. Some males will share an "intimate" situation from their past to test you to see how much shit you are willing to tolerate.

So true!