Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 15:09     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?


I'm 14:29. I wasn't suggesting that MIL compete with SMIL to be fun or upbeat. This is not a competition and the last thing either one of them should do is compete with the other. I was suggesting that nobody wants to hang around a MIL who is bitter about a 30-year old divorce. And, yes, the circumstances surrounding the divorce are between MIL and FIL only and MIL's circumstances afterward are hers alone to deal with (whether she feels her settlement was good, bad, or indifferent). MIL's son and DIL's obligation is to be kind and respectful to MIL. Hopefully, they can be generous with her. But that's where the obligation ends. MIL's son and daughter-in-law are simply not responsible for making anything up to MIL or compensating for MIL's insecurities.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 15:06     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?


Some mothers are so adept at playing the victim card. Nobody forced you to have kids. You knew what you were signing up for. Plenty of childfree people are living with the advantages and consequences of making the opposite choice.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 14:58     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You pp's are nuts. It's a one bedroom! Mil's home isn't big enough for a family of three to stay there. They can have a nice visit without sleeping over. Seriously, that would just be nutty.


This a thousand times!


My husband was raised in a 1 bedroom apt with 7 adults and 2 kids (more in the summers) living there. My ILs would definitely not consider their 3 bedroom as too small to accommodate 7 adults and 2 kids when they're hosting Christmas and I would be the crazy diva DIL for suggesting we stay in a hotel.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 14:54     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 14:29     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:I think, as a woman, that if I had gotten divorced around 1990 (and the why is not apparent here -- was he cheating? Did he have a midlife crisis? Did he trade me in for a newer model? Or was much of it my own fault?), given the likely scenarios of the time, it might be hard not to feel a little insecure and even bitter over how things had ultimately worked out for me. Given the timing and ages you mention, my kid(s?) were mostly grown and starting to enter college at the time of the divorce, after I (presumably for the time?) gave up, more than my ex, some of the most important years to child care. My ex fairly quickly remarried someone everyone seems to think is more fun than me, can afford to have and care for a nice big house while I can only manage a small condo that my kid(s) sort of sneer at, and perhaps the cruelest thing is that my son now prefers my husband to me. It was different when he was small and depended on me for everything, and I sacrificed daily for him, but he doesn't really remember all of that.

So, in short, if she got the short end of the stick from her marriage and the divorce, remember that women sort of unfairly have it harder in those situations and maybe try to be generous with her. (Unless she has a medical condition or a back problem or is in her seventies or higher, though, she should probably be giving you guys her room and bed!)


Yes - everyone should try to be generous with everyone else. It sounds like OP is generous with MIL though. And, yes, you're also correct that MIL may have some understandable reasons for feeling bitterness. But, those reasons belong to her and are no one else's. What sets an upbeat, fun person apart from others is that they don't wear bitterness/insecurities on their sleeve. We all have disappointments and crosses to bear; the trick in life is to learn to live your best life in spite of them. Sorry I went Oprah on everyone but people have to deal with their stuff and move on if they expect others to want to be around them. Whether or not the divorce was MIL/FIL's "fault" the likely scenario is that they weren't right for each other and the marriage ended. Whether or not MIL was insufferable or FIL cheated or what - the marriage ended and it is ancient history. You cannot create stress on your children for spending time with one side over the other - it isn't fair.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:51     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Also, if part if the reason why my ex husband's wife is so much more fun and better playing with a baby than me is because I'm like in my seventies and she is a decade younger, I'd be a little annoyed on the inside about that too if you were giving me that vibe.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:45     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
I think, as a woman, that if I had gotten divorced around 1990 (and the why is not apparent here -- was he cheating? Did he have a midlife crisis? Did he trade me in for a newer model? Or was much of it my own fault?), given the likely scenarios of the time, it might be hard not to feel a little insecure and even bitter over how things had ultimately worked out for me. Given the timing and ages you mention, my kid(s?) were mostly grown and starting to enter college at the time of the divorce, after I (presumably for the time?) gave up, more than my ex, some of the most important years to child care. My ex fairly quickly remarried someone everyone seems to think is more fun than me, can afford to have and care for a nice big house while I can only manage a small condo that my kid(s) sort of sneer at, and perhaps the cruelest thing is that my son now prefers my husband to me. It was different when he was small and depended on me for everything, and I sacrificed daily for him, but he doesn't really remember all of that.

So, in short, if she got the short end of the stick from her marriage and the divorce, remember that women sort of unfairly have it harder in those situations and maybe try to be generous with her. (Unless she has a medical condition or a back problem or is in her seventies or higher, though, she should probably be giving you guys her room and bed!)
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:36     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You clearly prefer "fun" FIL and his wonderful new wife. No wonder MIL is jealous.

Her feelings are her feelings. You can't fix them, and she has a good reason for them. She has good reason to feel slighted - it's not that you're not going out of your way to spend time with her, it's that you prefer her ex's new wife. You can't fix that, and you can't fix her feelings of understandable envy. And maybe she can't fix herself to be as appealing to you, or doesn't know how, or isn't willing.

But she sounds like a loving grandmother. Not all grannies read books and play with rattles. Just holding is fine. And no one owes you dinners to be made for you. It's lovely that you go visit, and it's fine that you stay at a bigger house.

Live with your feelings, and let her live with hers.


Your points are very smart and I agree with most of them. At the end of the day we've all got to try our best to be kind and be able to live with ourselves. What I don't agree with in your post (and others) is the seeming acceptance of "jealousy." I'm sure we've all experienced it firsthand and, in most of us, it is probably a fleeting emotion that we have appropriate coping mechanisms for, i.e. logic and a rational thought process. However, displaying symptoms of jealousy, especially as an adult, is a sign of a deeper insecurity at best. I think it is troubling when an adult cannot contain the green-eyed monster. Also--can we stop referring to the SMIL as the "new" wife? She's been on the scene for 25 years! My guess is that FIL and SMIL have been married longer that FIL and MIL were. Anyway, if MIL is displaying jealousy after 25 years I think the odds are that she's been riding the bitter bus for a long time and is probably unpleasant to be around. No, not all grannies read books and play with rattles...but I think the "just holders" are kinda strange and focused on themselves! (I'll disclose my bias here: I have a MIL who does not/cannot engage with my baby and wants to just hold her. During the first 3 months it didn't matter. When the baby started responding to others it was odd and awkward to watch my MIL hold only and not offer any stimulation. Now, at 10 months, it is downright painful to watch my MIL try to keep my wriggling crawler in her arms and wonder why the baby won't come to her. I've suggested that MIL get down on the floor with baby and play/read books/roll her favorite ball/play her favorite musical toys but she won't do any of it. Sigh.)


Another point that you may want to consider is that MIL may feel that it is unfair that she makes the effort to come visit you more often than FIL does, yet you go visit him rather than "rewarding" her for her visits. I know it's not rational, but I've been in a similar "jealous" position with my parents. I always make the effort to visit them, but when they come into town they spend more time doing things with and for my brothers, who don't visit them. Now my brothers are perfectly capable of visiting, but choose to spend their vacation time otherwise. Again, I know it's not exactly rational, but it still hurts my feelings.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:22     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:You pp's are nuts. It's a one bedroom! Mil's home isn't big enough for a family of three to stay there. They can have a nice visit without sleeping over. Seriously, that would just be nutty.


This a thousand times!
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:20     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:This is a no-brainer. MIL is just being selfish and there is not one good reason to indulge her. You guys need sleep and privacy and a modicum of comfort; she COULD offer you some degree of those things if she would offer up her room, but since she won't, you owe her nothing. You shouldn't all be in discomfort so she can snuggle in her bed while you all toss and turn on an air mattress in her living room. Seriously, there's nothing to debate here.


+1
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:12     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
If she wants the experience of waking up in the same house, she can visit you. There is no reason for you to squeeze into a one bedroom if there are other options. She will get over it.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:11     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You clearly prefer "fun" FIL and his wonderful new wife. No wonder MIL is jealous.

Her feelings are her feelings. You can't fix them, and she has a good reason for them. She has good reason to feel slighted - it's not that you're not going out of your way to spend time with her, it's that you prefer her ex's new wife. You can't fix that, and you can't fix her feelings of understandable envy. And maybe she can't fix herself to be as appealing to you, or doesn't know how, or isn't willing.

But she sounds like a loving grandmother. Not all grannies read books and play with rattles. Just holding is fine. And no one owes you dinners to be made for you. It's lovely that you go visit, and it's fine that you stay at a bigger house.

Live with your feelings, and let her live with hers.


Your points are very smart and I agree with most of them. At the end of the day we've all got to try our best to be kind and be able to live with ourselves. What I don't agree with in your post (and others) is the seeming acceptance of "jealousy." I'm sure we've all experienced it firsthand and, in most of us, it is probably a fleeting emotion that we have appropriate coping mechanisms for, i.e. logic and a rational thought process. However, displaying symptoms of jealousy, especially as an adult, is a sign of a deeper insecurity at best. I think it is troubling when an adult cannot contain the green-eyed monster. Also--can we stop referring to the SMIL as the "new" wife? She's been on the scene for 25 years! My guess is that FIL and SMIL have been married longer that FIL and MIL were. Anyway, if MIL is displaying jealousy after 25 years I think the odds are that she's been riding the bitter bus for a long time and is probably unpleasant to be around. No, not all grannies read books and play with rattles...but I think the "just holders" are kinda strange and focused on themselves! (I'll disclose my bias here: I have a MIL who does not/cannot engage with my baby and wants to just hold her. During the first 3 months it didn't matter. When the baby started responding to others it was odd and awkward to watch my MIL hold only and not offer any stimulation. Now, at 10 months, it is downright painful to watch my MIL try to keep my wriggling crawler in her arms and wonder why the baby won't come to her. I've suggested that MIL get down on the floor with baby and play/read books/roll her favorite ball/play her favorite musical toys but she won't do any of it. Sigh.)


I agree with this. At some point MIL has to stop making this into a me vs. them issue if no one else is. Sounds like everyone else in the family has found a way to function without keeping score. As to the bolded part, my MIL loves to use babies as a prop when others are around. It's more about having people comment about her role as GP.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 12:09     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
11:58 PP: Also - I find most of the suggestions on here good and well-meaning but I am bothered that a lot of them revolve around catering to what I believe to be MIL's insecurities. Here we have a lady who spends more time with her son, DIL, and grandchild than FIL and SMIL but who can't seem to appreciate that. Instead, she'd rather cram everyone into a 1-bedroom condo so that she feels better about herself. MIL also doesn't seem to be a person who appreciates that she's got a DIL who accepts her for multiple weekend visits at DIL's house AND participates in what sound like multiple visits to MIL's town where they have to visit with three different households (FIL's, MIL's, and presumably BIL's). MIL needs to stop exerting pressure to have it her way and see the bigger picture!
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 11:58     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:You clearly prefer "fun" FIL and his wonderful new wife. No wonder MIL is jealous.

Her feelings are her feelings. You can't fix them, and she has a good reason for them. She has good reason to feel slighted - it's not that you're not going out of your way to spend time with her, it's that you prefer her ex's new wife. You can't fix that, and you can't fix her feelings of understandable envy. And maybe she can't fix herself to be as appealing to you, or doesn't know how, or isn't willing.

But she sounds like a loving grandmother. Not all grannies read books and play with rattles. Just holding is fine. And no one owes you dinners to be made for you. It's lovely that you go visit, and it's fine that you stay at a bigger house.

Live with your feelings, and let her live with hers.


Your points are very smart and I agree with most of them. At the end of the day we've all got to try our best to be kind and be able to live with ourselves. What I don't agree with in your post (and others) is the seeming acceptance of "jealousy." I'm sure we've all experienced it firsthand and, in most of us, it is probably a fleeting emotion that we have appropriate coping mechanisms for, i.e. logic and a rational thought process. However, displaying symptoms of jealousy, especially as an adult, is a sign of a deeper insecurity at best. I think it is troubling when an adult cannot contain the green-eyed monster. Also--can we stop referring to the SMIL as the "new" wife? She's been on the scene for 25 years! My guess is that FIL and SMIL have been married longer that FIL and MIL were. Anyway, if MIL is displaying jealousy after 25 years I think the odds are that she's been riding the bitter bus for a long time and is probably unpleasant to be around. No, not all grannies read books and play with rattles...but I think the "just holders" are kinda strange and focused on themselves! (I'll disclose my bias here: I have a MIL who does not/cannot engage with my baby and wants to just hold her. During the first 3 months it didn't matter. When the baby started responding to others it was odd and awkward to watch my MIL hold only and not offer any stimulation. Now, at 10 months, it is downright painful to watch my MIL try to keep my wriggling crawler in her arms and wonder why the baby won't come to her. I've suggested that MIL get down on the floor with baby and play/read books/roll her favorite ball/play her favorite musical toys but she won't do any of it. Sigh.)
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2014 11:36     Subject: I don't want to stay in your one-bedroom condo!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I totally see both sides of this. Can you do one night with your MIL just so she can have her son and grandchild at her home? It's just one night, and then go stay somewhere comfortable.


Yes, this would be my choice. Compromise = win/win

+1
I'd be secretly annoyed about it, but I'd do it anyway

Even better, let baby spend 1 night with grandma -- and you and hubby get a kid free nite in the hotel!!!!
SUPER WIN!