Anonymous wrote:When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

From your family? That's pretty sad if true. But even if so, it should not be tolerated. Also, the way this comment was worded feels racist to me too.

Anonymous wrote:When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

Perhaps this is true. But what you should do is prepare to counter the attitude at every opportunity.

11:30 here. I want to clarify my background. I'm from a stepfamily where nobody ever said anything this explicit, but my stepfather had this "full family member" attitude and made it clear at every opportunity. It is most effective when expressed in the middle of a conflict. I am still close to everyone in the family and I think his clarity on this issue is the reason. This approach does work.

Anonymous wrote:I have two adopted children. We are white, as is my eldest. Our younger child, who is two, is of a different race. Thus, she doesn't resemble me or my husband in any visible manner. My SIL, who I have never liked for various reasons, was in town with my brother for Memorial Day weekend. She referred to our youngest as an "honorary family member." I was extremely angry, but made myself shut up for the sake of family peace on the holiday weekend. I am still livid and I don't want her to be around me or my daughter until she has reformed. The issue is July 4th, which we always look forward to spending with my brother, his wife, and my parents. I don't want to go. Am I overreacting? WWYD in this situation?

You are underreacting. There is no sense in which your CHILD is an honorary family member. You should speak up for your child--your nuclear family is more important than your extended family and you should defend your nuclear family when your extended family threatens it, which is what your SIL is doing.

I am from a stepfamily and know this dynamic well. Your daughter is being made to feel like she is a second class family member. If you don't want her to feel this way around your extended family you need to NIP THIS IN THE BUD. Do not avoid July 4. Go, and hope she says it again in front of everybody, so you can take the opportunity to defend your child and your family.

"SIL, I have to stop you right there. DD is not an 'honorary family member.' She is as much a member of this family as you are. It is love that makes families, not genetics. Your opinions are your own, but I hope to never, EVER hear you belittle DD's position in this family again."

Anonymous wrote:When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

NO you shouldn't. Especially not from "family."

Anonymous wrote:adult adoptee here. I would move to nip this behavior in the bud as soon as possible. I was never made to feel part of the family that I was adopted into, and as a result, I haven't had much to do with them after I graduated HS

This, OP.

I have an evil SIL, and I can imagine her saying something like that. She's an insensitive, racist b**ch, but she's married to my brother, whom I do actually love.

The right time to say something would have been at the time, OP, but perhaps your children were within hearing and you didn't want to embarrass them further?

I would contact your brother and tell him that you are very upset by SIL's comment, and that you don't want to be around them unless she can promise never to say something like that again.

If you can call your SIL directly, do so, or email her if you can't bear to face her. My SIL is such a two-faced, lying b**ch that she would deny ever having said any such thing, or would laugh and say she was "just joking" and never deal with it. But that's my SIL. Yours might be able to handle hearing from you that her comment was completely inappropriate and shaming to your child, who is as much a member of your family as anyone else, no matter how s/he looks. And you must tell SIL that she is forbidden to say anything like her inappropriate comment ever again to you or any member of your family. If she balks, then tell her politely that you can't allow your children around her because you do not want them to be hurt by her inability to control her racist behavior.

Ugh, OP. Sorry you have such a bad SIL, but I do empathize. My racist SIL would make such a comment. She is the person who still has those black jockeys in her house holding trays (you know what I mean?) and thinks they are kitchy and funny. Ha ha! She's from the South and is horrible. I'm a Yankee. I don't know how my brother stands her, but he does.

Anonymous wrote:When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

You should expect some ignorance, yes. Should you expect your own family to state the child is only "honorary"? Hell, no.

Anonymous wrote:I have two adopted children. We are white, as is my eldest. Our younger child, who is two, is of a different race. Thus, she doesn't resemble me or my husband in any visible manner. My SIL, who I have never liked for various reasons, was in town with my brother for Memorial Day weekend. She referred to our youngest as an "honorary family member." I was extremely angry, but made myself shut up for the sake of family peace on the holiday weekend. I am still livid and I don't want her to be around me or my daughter until she has reformed. The issue is July 4th, which we always look forward to spending with my brother, his wife, and my parents. I don't want to go. Am I overreacting? WWYD in this situation?

Not every person is going to say exactly what you want to hear. You have many years of parenting ahead. Did you think about this before you adopted, or was your plan to be furious for the rest of your life?

Anonymous wrote:When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

What trailer park did you crawl out of?

Hopefully your brother is someone you can talk to and who will speak to his wife about this before the trip.

I'd call him. I'd explain that you were blown away (in a bad way) and that your child's self esteem and sense of belonging are on the line.

Ask if he'll talk to her and if she can after call you (maybe I'd skip that part) before the trip. If not, skip it. I both saves you being around such a toxic person and lets the entire family know how you will continue to defend your children from now forward.

Anonymous wrote:adult adoptee here. I would move to nip this behavior in the bud as soon as possible. I was never made to feel part of the family that I was adopted into, and as a result, I haven't had much to do with them after I graduated HS

Love to you
Two of our kids are adopted, and one is of a different race.

My children have endured this hateful behavior off and on for their entire lives.

Whenever the racism has been expressed, I have gone into shock. My husbands' family is so abusive it blows my mind....trying to create a strategy to separate. I feel desperately sorry that my adopted kids are singled out, left out and otherwise treated as not acceptable to those people.

I just want to say how very grateful I am to see the support for the OP here. Too bad my H never nipped this XXXX in the bud. Too bad his siblings, SILs and parents are such miserable, F-ing creeps.

When you adopt outside your race, you should expect this.

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is an ignorant bitch. You should tell your brother that she needs go keep her stupid pie hole shut about your kids.

+1000

Is she your SIL because she married into your family? She should just worry about her own connection to the family, which is more tenuous than the permanent adoption of a child! Maybe buy her a book about adoption that will help her understand that families get put together in all kinds of ways, and all those ways are real. This is 2014. "Biological" doesn't equal "real."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMFG!!!! I've never said that online before -- but that is staggering.

I have one adopted child and one biological child. My bio child's father told him my other DC was not his "real" sibling. I said, Yes he is. Period.

You need to talk to her and your brother. Educate them. Or don't ever spend time with them.

They are not related by blood and, ergo, are my" real" siblings. They could marry.

Only if they are related to Woody Allan. IRL they are "real" siblings -- though not biologically related -- so no, they could not marry.

WTF? Are they imaginary siblings? If not imaginary, they are "real." They are also legally siblings, being the legal children of the same parents. And you cannot legally marry your sibling. And speaking of what's "real," in real life children who grow up together do not remotely want to marry one another, whether they are biologically related or not. Google the Westermarck effect.

Your SIL is an ignorant bitch. You should tell your brother that she needs go keep her stupid pie hole shut about your kids.