Anonymous wrote:Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm becoming a little more sympathetic to the OP in that maybe he really is this clueless. As the thread goes on and he expresses complete confusion about what went wrong and what is still off-kilter it makes me think his parents sure did a lifelong brainwashing on him. Reading the evidence it's easy to see that he and his brother were brought up in a household dominated by parents who had no concern for raising emotionally healthy men, let alone spouses.

OP, get yourself to counseling. You have years of unhealthy and unhelpful programming to undo. I think you are a decent fellow underneath it all, tell your wife you're choosing to rewire the way approach her and your kids.

Anonymous wrote:You share equal blame with your parents, OP. I am surprised your wife has put up with this for so long.

Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.

My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.

My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.

The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.

No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"

This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.

OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.

So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.

You know very well that your parents are unreasonable. Your wife has drawn a healthy, reasonable boundary. Your parents' reaction is over the top, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive.

Anonymous wrote:Op, your dad was paying your bills and you let him? He YELLED at your wife about it and you didn't address it? Your wife selected a car seat for your child, your dad battles her over it and you say nothing to defend her decision?

You think this is all a big miscommunication?! What?!

Sorry, but what have YOU done to help the situation? You have done nothing but stand back and let this play out. Shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to jump on you as well, but really, it sounds like this is your issue. You said that the only thing you and your DW fight over are your parents. Why are you and DW fighting about them - it means you disagree with each other and seriously, from the sound of it, you should be fighting with your parents about this, not your lovely DW. you and DW should be on the same page with this - that your parents stay the hell away unless they can be civil to your DW.

I think once you make that clear to your DW, she won't want to divorce you anymore (hopefully - if like you say - everything else is fine).

Also, just something else to consider. If you DO leave your wife over this (or she leaves you..whatever) you have to accept that you will never ever have another serious relationship. EVER. because YOU and YOUR PARENTS are repeating the same patterns over and over again. Bottom line is this is between YOU and YOUR PARENTS. NOT your DW. she is just a bystander because it could be anyone in that placeholder and your parents will treat them the same way as they are treating her.

Be kind to your wife, validate her feelings of frustration and anger, and for God's sake, support her and choose her when your parents behave like this.

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.

My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.

My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.

The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.

OP, you and your parents are 100% in the wrong here. Your parents are emotionally abusive. Your wife has the right and the obligation to choose what car seat her child uses. You as her husband and her partner should stand with her and support her.

You know very well that your parents are unreasonable. Your wife has drawn a healthy, reasonable boundary. Your parents' reaction is over the top, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive.

You need to be a man, be a grown-up, and stand with your wife. Let your parents know they are being unreasonable, and when they are ready to be loving and respectful, they will be welcome back into your life. Wish them well in their new home and focus on making things up to your wife. You have allowed them to abuse her for SIX YEARS. You need to focus on repairing her trust in you and salvaging your family.