You know what OP? I've been thinking about this a lot since yesterday. I'm a total bitch. When I lived at home, for some reason everyone in the house gave me their junk mail. Not just the cool catalogs but the flyers for exterminators, coupons for stores nobody in my family had any interest in, etc. And one day I snapped and told everyone "Stop giving me your garbage! You're pretending you're being kind but you're really just treating me like your garbage pail. If you don't want it, put it in the recycling pile. But stop giving me all this shit!" And they did. My parents weren't pleased that I cursed, but they heard my message. I think they really just didn't complete the thought process. They only thought "Laura likes to get mail, so I'll give her this since it came in the mail," and didn't continue to think "Will Laura have any use as a 16 yr old girl for a flyer encouraging boys to sign up for cub scouts? No she will not, so I'll keep an eye out for a nice JCrew catalog for her."

While I got my point across, it wasn't very graceful. Why? Because I'd snapped. Why did I snap? Because I was confused - they kept presenting their mail as a gift to me, as a favor. "Look at this nice and kind thing I'm doing for you!" Despite the fact that it was all useless to me.

OP, it seems like you're REALLY worried about hurting her feelings. I think you need to channel the 16 yr old Laura a little bit. Be gentler in your delivery, but just as firm. Don't load up and then drop it all at the Salvation Army. Next time she tries to give you stuff tell her "Oh thanks Joan, but we're really trying to streamline because our house is small and super crowded. Hey, if you want some help de-cluttering though we'd be happy to get you a professional organizer!" Because a professional organizer knows that when Joan says "Oh I want to put this aside to see if Stacey wants it," they will say "Joan. Stacey doesn't want this. It's old lady furniture. Plus, I'm sure she already has a dining room set." And Joan will listen to a stranger. When Joan tries to give you food just say "Thanks, but we're fully stocked for the week and don't even have any space left for more food right now." You need to be firm. It's OKAY to hurt her feelings as long as you do it politely. Why is it okay to hurt YOUR feelings by foisting things on you that you don't want? It's not. Your feelings are just as valid as hers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Thanks... but this sort of makes me want to cry, because it adds a visit to goodwill to every trip to MIL's (or visit from MIL). That is time I don't have.

I realize that our time and space problems are a separate issue that isn't my MIL's fault, but they provide an important context for why this stuff is affecting me and my life more than it otherwise would. Accepting stuff that we have to process takes headspace and energy. If it ends up taking net less head energy to placate my MIL and just give everything to goodwill, that's fine as long as giving it away isn't going to offend her - which I'm not sure whether it will.

The weight of the responses seems to be that MIL's need to give us stuff trumps my need to stop the influx. That's fine and I will try to deal with it, but it also leads to a situation where I absolutely dread being around MIL. Doesn't anyone just communicate anymore?

OP, I am the quoted poster and I get it. But my suggestion is to make an every-so often visit to goodwill part of the routine is partly because it sounds like you need to start doing that regardless of MIL. If the clutter is this overwhelming, then you need to ditch some stuff. Now that said, since this is largely a husband issue, I would have a clear chat. "We will be keeping zero things from your mother." Make it his choice whether he wishes to state this clearly to his mom or whether he wants to take 100% responsibility for disposing of anything he chooses to accept. But you draw the hard line that tou refuse to spend a single second more on trying to figure where to put things or fightig about what to keep vs. Pitch or finding a way to get rid of it. It is now his job and you will not accept it in the house.

I like this suggestion a lot in theory... I fear he wouldn't follow through on it and then that would just redirect more of my negative feelings toward DH, but I like the concept and we may be able to figure out something along these lines.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is really ok to stand up for yourself. You need to find a place where you are ok, even if it is not ideal.

You might also consider seeing your MIL less, seeing her in public places where she can't foist furniture in you, and/or sending DH and using that time to so something nice for yourself.

Anything you can do to relieve that mental burden. It sounds like you need a break.

Thanks. That helps, and you're right. I am under a lot of stress and this is only one example of the issues with MIL, frankly one of the less serious ones. I really didn't want things to be like this, I wanted to have a good relationship with her, but it has gotten to a bad place and I don't feel comfortable at all around her - being around her gives me a lot of anxiety and I always need several days to recover from one short visit. It's really not a good situation. I will continue to try to figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Thanks... but this sort of makes me want to cry, because it adds a visit to goodwill to every trip to MIL's (or visit from MIL). That is time I don't have.

I realize that our time and space problems are a separate issue that isn't my MIL's fault, but they provide an important context for why this stuff is affecting me and my life more than it otherwise would. Accepting stuff that we have to process takes headspace and energy. If it ends up taking net less head energy to placate my MIL and just give everything to goodwill, that's fine as long as giving it away isn't going to offend her - which I'm not sure whether it will.

The weight of the responses seems to be that MIL's need to give us stuff trumps my need to stop the influx. That's fine and I will try to deal with it, but it also leads to a situation where I absolutely dread being around MIL. Doesn't anyone just communicate anymore?

Put everything in black trash bags and go to the website good donor dot org. You can schedule a pick up to have them swing by your house. As a bonus, they keep track of all the places you donate through out the year in case you lose the receipt.

Trash the stuff. There are tons of people who go through trash to find new or like new stuff. If you don't have time to donate the food and junk, just throw it away. Life is too short to deal with this crap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Thanks... but this sort of makes me want to cry, because it adds a visit to goodwill to every trip to MIL's (or visit from MIL). That is time I don't have.

I realize that our time and space problems are a separate issue that isn't my MIL's fault, but they provide an important context for why this stuff is affecting me and my life more than it otherwise would. Accepting stuff that we have to process takes headspace and energy. If it ends up taking net less head energy to placate my MIL and just give everything to goodwill, that's fine as long as giving it away isn't going to offend her - which I'm not sure whether it will.

The weight of the responses seems to be that MIL's need to give us stuff trumps my need to stop the influx. That's fine and I will try to deal with it, but it also leads to a situation where I absolutely dread being around MIL. Doesn't anyone just communicate anymore?

OP, I am the quoted poster and I get it. But my suggestion is to make an every-so often visit to goodwill part of the routine is partly because it sounds like you need to start doing that regardless of MIL. If the clutter is this overwhelming, then you need to ditch some stuff. Now that said, since this is largely a husband issue, I would have a clear chat. "We will be keeping zero things from your mother." Make it his choice whether he wishes to state this clearly to his mom or whether he wants to take 100% responsibility for disposing of anything he chooses to accept. But you draw the hard line that tou refuse to spend a single second more on trying to figure where to put things or fightig about what to keep vs. Pitch or finding a way to get rid of it. It is now his job and you will not accept it in the house.

OP, it is really ok to stand up for yourself. You need to find a place where you are ok, even if it is not ideal.

You might also consider seeing your MIL less, seeing her in public places where she can't foist furniture in you, and/or sending DH and using that time to so something nice for yourself.

Anything you can do to relieve that mental burden. It sounds like you need a break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Thanks... but this sort of makes me want to cry, because it adds a visit to goodwill to every trip to MIL's (or visit from MIL). That is time I don't have.

I realize that our time and space problems are a separate issue that isn't my MIL's fault, but they provide an important context for why this stuff is affecting me and my life more than it otherwise would. Accepting stuff that we have to process takes headspace and energy. If it ends up taking net less head energy to placate my MIL and just give everything to goodwill, that's fine as long as giving it away isn't going to offend her - which I'm not sure whether it will.

The weight of the responses seems to be that MIL's need to give us stuff trumps my need to stop the influx. That's fine and I will try to deal with it, but it also leads to a situation where I absolutely dread being around MIL. Doesn't anyone just communicate anymore?

responding to myself - subject to the hoarding is a mental illness thing, I suppose that adds a layer.

Anonymous wrote:Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Thanks... but this sort of makes me want to cry, because it adds a visit to goodwill to every trip to MIL's (or visit from MIL). That is time I don't have.

I realize that our time and space problems are a separate issue that isn't my MIL's fault, but they provide an important context for why this stuff is affecting me and my life more than it otherwise would. Accepting stuff that we have to process takes headspace and energy. If it ends up taking net less head energy to placate my MIL and just give everything to goodwill, that's fine as long as giving it away isn't going to offend her - which I'm not sure whether it will.

The weight of the responses seems to be that MIL's need to give us stuff trumps my need to stop the influx. That's fine and I will try to deal with it, but it also leads to a situation where I absolutely dread being around MIL. Doesn't anyone just communicate anymore?

Keep a bin/drawer for clothes that you can use for your children in the future.

Give away the hideous stuff you don't want. Don't say anything to her.

Decline to take food.

Concern #1 doesn't seem legitimate. #2 is real, but I don't see how you can broach it. It's up to your DH.

Find a salvation army, goodwill, etc. that is easy to get to (near work, near the dry cleaner, whatever) and make it a regular part of your routine. Honestly, it's a good habit to have anyway with youn kids--donating regularly keeps toys/clothes/books/kid gear moving out of the house rather than just in. Accept what you can reasonably drop off in one visit to a donation center, refuse what you can't, and let her deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

OP here. I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal. I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point. Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce? Surely not. I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes. I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating. But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.

OP again, though arguably I did ask for people to call me a b&&&& so I suppose that's what I got

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

OP here. I mean, I'm asking for input and I appreciate it but I don't think it's fair for you to say that the thread is "hateful" when I open it by saying I already feel bad about this and am looking for ways to deal. I think your comment is far more "hateful" than my thread.

Point about creating unnecessary tensions is well taken, but my point is more that I'm not so sure these tensions are unnecessary at this point. Are my choices to fill my house with my MIL's clutter or get a divorce? Surely not. I would argue she is creating some unnecessary tensions by not respecting reasonable wishes. I honestly don't think it's particularly graceful to say thank you for something and then immediately hit the salvation army box - to me that's not grace, that's placating. But some others on this thread have made the point that it might be worth placating - if so, fine.

My DH agrees with me on the merits but is sensitive about the tension... that's actually part of why I wanted to ask for advice.

Thanks again.

Anonymous wrote:This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!

You're blaming the OP for having a messy house? She can't even unpack their wedding gifts because they have no room. The stress comes from having no room for all their belongings and DC. It isn't stressful because the laundry pile is still sitting on the end of the couch. Op has a young family, she doesn't need to grin and bear it and drive bag after bag of offerings to Salvation Army. How much time do you think she has for this?

You really want OP to turn to the MIL who is inundated with junk herself and ask her to chip in for an organizer? For OP?

This is a hateful thread. She is giving you things because she is thinking of your family. It may be a misdirected action but the sentiment is not misplaced.

There is something called grace. If you cannot change a situation for the better then the graceful thing is to accept it with a smile and a "thank you".

You can distribute the food, distribute the clothes, donate it etc. The issue seems more that OPs house is a mess and any thing more that comes to her house triggers a stress response in her.

Ask your MIL - would she be willing to chip in some money to get you a professional organizer? Share your concern about how your house is cluttered and you want to declutter it. These are genuine concerns - but not worth alienating your MIL. And how do you think your DH feels about it? Do you think that he thinks you are a nice person or does he think you are a mean person?

Do not create unneccessary tensions in your family!