Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

I don't approve of spanking, but seriously, who cares? We punish our kids so they won't do the thing again. Or are you are saying we all should just discuss issues with our kids and not punish at all? I thought "consequences" was all the rage.

You do both...punish and discuss. You can discuss it till you are blue in the face. Without consequences, kids won't really learn.

Consequences are one thing, but physically punishing a child you can speak to and reason with is absolutely wrong.

Meanwhile, I have 2 kids and have NEVER had to "punish" them. Yes, discussing the issues with them is exactly what we do, because what I am telling them to do is not whimsical. I do not require unquestioning obedience, but I want my children to be a part of the family and to care about other people.

If a child of mine stole $60 from my purse, his "consequence" would be a great deal of time spent with his family. If that meant loss of internet time, so be it. HE would have to sit with me and help me budget so he could learn the value of money. He would have to earn the money he stole back. I would take him grocery shopping with me, and would give him $100 to buy the family's groceries for 2 weeks, so he would really see that money = food for the family. Spanking him teaches him none of this.

+1

Anonymous wrote:WTH, broken trust?! It's a 10 year old kid! Get over yourself, your outsized reaction to a 4th or 5th grader lying is all about you.

It sounds like the money stress turned into an escalated conflict with your kid. Cool down, you can get over money issues, but you can't always fix parent-child relationships.

I think taking away, TV or kindle fire or whatever is MUCH more appropriate than spanking a 10 year old for stealing from his family. What would have even been more appropriate is making him earn the money back. Instead you made your stress and disappointment manifest itself in a negative physical interaction with your child...take a breath.

Kids that young can't 'break trust.' They're still developing psychologically and figuring out all sorts of social interactions. That's called development. You however can break trust. You asked your kid to confess, he confessed, and you punished him AFTER he did the right thing...ugh.

+1, Could not agree more. You have taught him not to tell you the truth again if he can help it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

I don't approve of spanking, but seriously, who cares? We punish our kids so they won't do the thing again. Or are you are saying we all should just discuss issues with our kids and not punish at all? I thought "consequences" was all the rage.

You do both...punish and discuss. You can discuss it till you are blue in the face. Without consequences, kids won't really learn.

Consequences are one thing, but physically punishing a child you can speak to and reason with is absolutely wrong.

Meanwhile, I have 2 kids and have NEVER had to "punish" them. Yes, discussing the issues with them is exactly what we do, because what I am telling them to do is not whimsical. I do not require unquestioning obedience, but I want my children to be a part of the family and to care about other people.

If a child of mine stole $60 from my purse, his "consequence" would be a great deal of time spent with his family. If that meant loss of internet time, so be it. HE would have to sit with me and help me budget so he could learn the value of money. He would have to earn the money he stole back. I would take him grocery shopping with me, and would give him $100 to buy the family's groceries for 2 weeks, so he would really see that money = food for the family. Spanking him teaches him none of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

I don't approve of spanking, but seriously, who cares? We punish our kids so they won't do the thing again. Or are you are saying we all should just discuss issues with our kids and not punish at all? I thought "consequences" was all the rage.

You do both...punish and discuss. You can discuss it till you are blue in the face. Without consequences, kids won't really learn.

I'm not necessarily opposed to spanking. I would swat my kids on the leg or rear as necessary when they were toddlers and I needed to make an immediate point to avoid danger (reaching for the stove, running into the street, etc), but it seems completely degrading to ask a 10 year old to stand still while you repeatedly whack his rear end. I can't seem to understand what it is supposed to teach him. A 10 year old is capable of understanding actions and consequences and should be required to earn the money back. It is important for a child to learn how to apologize and correct a wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

I don't approve of spanking, but seriously, who cares? We punish our kids so they won't do the thing again. Or are you are saying we all should just discuss issues with our kids and not punish at all? I thought "consequences" was all the rage.

You do both...punish and discuss. You can discuss it till you are blue in the face. Without consequences, kids won't really learn.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

I don't approve of spanking, but seriously, who cares? We punish our kids so they won't do the thing again. Or are you are saying we all should just discuss issues with our kids and not punish at all? I thought "consequences" was all the rage.

Do you want him to stop stealing because he knows it's wrong, or because he doesn't want you to spank him again?

Now he just knows that you won't spank him if he doesn't get caught.

If you're at the point where spanking a 10 YEAR OLD seems reasonable, it means you don't have a w hole lot of disciplinary tools at your disposal.

OP, I would take a good look at your parenting and see what you have done to contribute to his behavior (which, by the way, isn't right, but isn't future felon behavior--it is within the realm of normal).

But you need to re-work your relationship with your kid if you're spanking a kid that age. Heck that's not spanking at 10--that's just outright hitting.

I think what the kid did was not all that unusual but that doesn't mean it's not wrong and should go unpunished. I think breaking OP's trust is a normal response too. So I would tell my DC that they have broken my trust and it will take a long time to earn it back. I hope that would make a difference to them. I would explain that lying and stealing are wrong, that they get punished twice -- once for the deed and once for the lying, how lying hurts everyone even the liar, blah blah blah. And then I would also punish normally -- by taking away privileges.

OP, I would be really, really hurt if my DC did this. Try to remember that your DC is a kid, not an adult. It's not like your DH took something from you and lied about it. Your DC is still learning about life.

OP, maybe your DS just liked the idea of having a lot of money, not that he was going to buy something with it. Some kids just like the idea of having money. Maybe it makes them feel grown up. If money is tight, then giving him an allowance is not really possible, is it. At 10, he should be old enough to know that stealing means going to jail even if it's stealing from family - not that you would call the cops on him - but just so he knows that stealing is not just morally wrong, but also against the law.

My kids have lied to me. I don't always punish them when they lie. It would depend on the lie. When they do eventually fess up, I tell them why lying is bad, and that if they continue to lie to me, I will never trust them. I tell them it's good they finally told me the truth, but I will probably eventually find out about their lies (kids 5 and 8), so it's always better to tell me the truth earlier on than for me to find out later because then I will be more upset and punishments will be harsher. They seem to kind of understand that as they are more often willing to tell me the truth after some prodding. And for the 8 yr old, I tell him as he gets older, he will want more freedom and for me to trust him more, and for me to do so, he needs to be straight with me.

However, if my DS stole $60 out of my wallet, yep, I'd spank DS. I spank my 8 yr old DS for serious offenses to let him know just how serious that offense was. Stealing $ is definitely serious, even if it was $1. Lying in an of itself is not as serious, but it depends on why he lied. Sometimes, no amount of just talking and telling your kids why something is bad is going to be effective. I've asked my 8 yr old why he did something bad even though he knew it was wrong and he was going to get punished for it. He'll say because I don't think about that. That's because the punishment he usually gets isn't that painful. Kids are impulsive and don't always think about consequences. But in some cases, they MUST think about the consequences to stop them from this behavior, like stealing something from a store. So the consequence should be painful enough for the kid to think and stop. Teaching them morality and punishment for bad behavior should go hand in hand.

Seriously, would parents not punish their kids if they fess up to a lie? Is that what I've read on some of these posts? What would make the kid stop lying if they know that they won't get punished? According to some posters, by punishing your child after they confess you have broken the trust your child has. Spanking itself doesn't break a child's trust in a parent. If that were the case, millions of people for hundreds of years would have had no trust in their parents who spanked them. My DH and I were spanked as kids. It didn't break our trust in our parents. That's just silly. If that doesn't work on your kids specifically, then by all means, don't spank. But don't think that all kids are the same and what doesn't work for you doesn't work for others. Even within the same household, one type of punishment works on one kid and not on the other.

The only thing I can do to punish my DS is take away electronics. He doesn't have much else that I can punish him with. As other Posters have said, time outs really don't work on an 8 yr old. So, if I only take away electronics for serious offenses, that punishment is no different than the punishment he gets for other bad behavior that is not as serious as stealing $. So, DS wouldn't learn the seriousness of certain actions.

Anonymous wrote:If all this spanking is so good for building trust (or teaching kids not to lie and steal) then that should be the end of it right?

Your kid stole, you spanked him and took away his electronics... and now he knows he's not allowed to do that.

So end of problem right?

Because your kids only stole because he wanted the money and didn't realize it was against the rules to take it. So now you have told him, and punished him by spanking, so now he knows you mean business, and he won't steal anymore

Right? Isn't that the point of punishment? To teach the kid a lesson?

So now he's learned his lesson. End of problem. He will no longer steal or lie.

Of course... if he DOES steal or lie again.... what will you do? Spank harder and longer? Maybe THAT will teach him his lesson?

You are confusing spanking with abuse. Spanking (occasional) should be a quick, cautious corrective measure; "spanking harder and longer" does not apply.

I think he needs more connection to you and maybe some more time one-on-one with you where you build (re-build) your loving connection.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/building-relationship

"Kids form their view of themselves and the world every day. They need your encouragement to see themselves as good people who are capable of good things. And they need to know you're on their side. If most of what comes out of your mouth is correction or criticism, they won't feel good about themselves, and they won't feel like you're their ally. You lose your only leverage with them, and they lose something every kid needs: to know they have an adult who thinks the world of them."

If all this spanking is so good for building trust (or teaching kids not to lie and steal) then that should be the end of it right?

Your kid stole, you spanked him and took away his electronics... and now he knows he's not allowed to do that.

So end of problem right?

Because your kids only stole because he wanted the money and didn't realize it was against the rules to take it. So now you have told him, and punished him by spanking, so now he knows you mean business, and he won't steal anymore

Right? Isn't that the point of punishment? To teach the kid a lesson?

So now he's learned his lesson. End of problem. He will no longer steal or lie.

Of course... if he DOES steal or lie again.... what will you do? Spank harder and longer? Maybe THAT will teach him his lesson?

pp here. sorry I was agreeing with poster 8:21.

+1 to the above. op you handled it fine and it will be fine - yes this is disappointing but it is not a sign of some underlying problem in your child. As the weeks progress, I'd be sure to commend him for good behavior so he knows that you notice that, too.