Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.

FYI, when my mother complained about her gift yesterday, I referenced this post.
I got her something she said made her jealous that her friends had, and perfume.

When I explained the orchid dilemma my friend was having she said, "Oh. I understand. That's why I texted your brother and told him not to send anything."

Umm, I didn't get that text.
I got "we can try again."

There is no winning.
There is only not trying.

Getting something most people would like is a chess move on my part because I know she will complain about me to others, who will say, "Wait. I don't get it. They sent you _____ and you didn't like it? I think you are lucky."

Then she will tell me her friends never take her side.
That is my "reward".

I don't understand your post. So you get her a gift you know she will complain about so that you can be praised by her friends (to her)?

It doesn't matter what the gift is. The mom will complain NO MATTER what it is. So DD buys something most people would like so that when her mom complains to someone else (which she WILL do, regardless of what the gift is), the listener might say to the mom, "Really? I wish *my* DD had gotten me that." Thereby depriving her mom of the pleasure of complaining. Because that's what her mom wants to do: Complain. There's no way to get her a gift she won't complain about.

(Of course, when examined in this light, possibly the "nicest" gift DD could get her mom is a LOUSY gift or no gift at all, because then mom can complain and others will sympathize, which is EXACTLY what mom wants for mother's day, and every day.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.

FYI, when my mother complained about her gift yesterday, I referenced this post.
I got her something she said made her jealous that her friends had, and perfume.

When I explained the orchid dilemma my friend was having she said, "Oh. I understand. That's why I texted your brother and told him not to send anything."

Umm, I didn't get that text.
I got "we can try again."

There is no winning.
There is only not trying.

Getting something most people would like is a chess move on my part because I know she will complain about me to others, who will say, "Wait. I don't get it. They sent you _____ and you didn't like it? I think you are lucky."

Then she will tell me her friends never take her side.
That is my "reward".

I don't understand your post. So you get her a gift you know she will complain about so that you can be praised by her friends (to her)?

It doesn't matter what the gift is. The mom will complain NO MATTER what it is. So DD buys something most people would like so that when her mom complains to someone else (which she WILL do, regardless of what the gift is), the listener might say to the mom, "Really? I wish *my* DD had gotten me that." Thereby depriving her mom of the pleasure of complaining. Because that's what her mom wants to do: Complain. There's no way to get her a gift she won't complain about.

(Of course, when examined in this light, possibly the "nicest" gift DD could get her mom is a LOUSY gift or no gift at all, because then mom can complain and others will sympathize, which is EXACTLY what mom wants for mother's day, and every day.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.

FYI, when my mother complained about her gift yesterday, I referenced this post.
I got her something she said made her jealous that her friends had, and perfume.

When I explained the orchid dilemma my friend was having she said, "Oh. I understand. That's why I texted your brother and told him not to send anything."

Umm, I didn't get that text.
I got "we can try again."

There is no winning.
There is only not trying.

Getting something most people would like is a chess move on my part because I know she will complain about me to others, who will say, "Wait. I don't get it. They sent you _____ and you didn't like it? I think you are lucky."

Then she will tell me her friends never take her side.
That is my "reward".

I don't understand your post. So you get her a gift you know she will complain about so that you can be praised by her friends (to her)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fitbit
Theater tickets, or opera, symphony, ballet, etc.
Spa treatment
Newly released hard back book
Magazine subscription
DVD of her favorite old tv show

Georgetown Cupcake delivers.
They have a mother's day assortment or you can do the classics/favs.
Send 6 (in honor of the grandkids) and another 6 of her fav flavor.

If she loves orchids, could some gardening gloves help, or a gc to a good gardening store? Smith & Hawkin, I think?

My mom is also difficult. She often doesn't open gifts I send for weeks or months.
Sometimes I call a store she likes and have them keep the giftcard there for her, so she can have a personal shopping experience (w/o me).

This year she was telling me she was mad at her friend for being showy about expensive sandals. I found them for 1/2 off and sent them so she could one up her friend. (Isn't that was it all about?)

Anonymous wrote:Ass Soap.

Anonymous wrote:I got my picky snarky mom crab cakes shipped from MD. It was a hit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its one day a year of being thoughtful for a woman who has birthed, raised you.

Not OP but I really despise this line of thought. Giving birth to someone and keeping them in your home until they're an adult is not necessarily parade-worthy. Some moms are bitches, energy vampires, emotional abusers, etc. Do not for a minute assume that birthing and "raising" = a good thing, for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.

FYI, when my mother complained about her gift yesterday, I referenced this post.
I got her something she said made her jealous that her friends had, and perfume.

When I explained the orchid dilemma my friend was having she said, "Oh. I understand. That's why I texted your brother and told him not to send anything."

Umm, I didn't get that text.
I got "we can try again."

There is no winning.
There is only not trying.

Getting something most people would like is a chess move on my part because I know she will complain about me to others, who will say, "Wait. I don't get it. They sent you _____ and you didn't like it? I think you are lucky."

Then she will tell me her friends never take her side.
That is my "reward".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.