Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I totally believe your theory. Happy people are involved in their grandchildren's lives - ALL of their grandchildren, not just whom they choose. If there is favoritism or lack of involvement, it is (from what I have seen) usually because the grandparent is selfish, and/or not a happy person to begin with.

Also, good parents make good grandparents, great parents...great grandparents, and lousy parents make lousy grandparents - from what I have seen.

And I have seen many, many grandparents interact with their grandchildren and children!

My IQ just dropped 10 points.

I'v dread this sentence about the IQ in there threads and it always make me laugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I totally believe your theory. Happy people are involved in their grandchildren's lives - ALL of their grandchildren, not just whom they choose. If there is favoritism or lack of involvement, it is (from what I have seen) usually because the grandparent is selfish, and/or not a happy person to begin with.

Also, good parents make good grandparents, great parents...great grandparents, and lousy parents make lousy grandparents - from what I have seen.

And I have seen many, many grandparents interact with their grandchildren and children!

My IQ just dropped 10 points.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:both sets of grandparents are more than happy to babysit and offer often. Both have very happy marriages.

Another of these. We practically have to beat them away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

In my family, the understanding is that you pay it forward, not reciprocally--although gratitude and thankfulness are expected.

I think it also depends upon how big your family of origin was. I am one of 6 (the oldest) and I personally find that my siblings and I are more independent than our friends who come from smaller families, b/c the parents can help out more with fewer children; there are just 2 of them, and 6 of us, and now, our 6 families and children! I would not dream to expect my parents to help out as much as I see some other families helping out. They put in their time with the 6 of us; now it's our time to do the work, and their time to sit back and relax, travel, and enjoy themselves!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

In my family, the understanding is that you pay it forward, not reciprocally--although gratitude and thankfulness are expected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

You must be in a family with grandparents you don't mind being around your DC for extended periods. Not all of us are so fortunate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.