Anonymous wrote:It's an insult -- if she had called him a freak or a creep, that would be an insult too. Surely by 4th grade, he has figured out how to respond to insults to make them stop without running to the teacher every time -- whether that's making a comment back, not reacting so the insulter gets bored and moves on etc. So tell him to do what he'd normally do.

I'm not sure that going down the -- but being gay is so awesome road -- is really needed here.

No one said "but being gay is so awesome." But it is very important that kids know that "gay" should not be used as an insult. It's an irresponsible if you like it's no big deal to say that. It is a big deal and it needs to be discouraged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

Darling, in elementary school, "gay" is very much an insult. It was a taunt, wasn't it?

*whoosh!*

Anonymous wrote:This may not be how you are supposed to handle it, but my kids would probably respond with something like:

"Is that supposed to be an insult? Because if so it was pathetic. If you're gonna waste your time being a jerk and insulting people, at least come up with something better next time. Like maybe something that's actually, you know, really an insult." Followed by an eye roll.

Puts the girl on notice that (a) they don't care what she thinks, (b) they think being rude to people is stupid and a waste of time, and (c) they don't think the word "gay" is an appropriate way to insult someone anyway.

But then again, my kids and I are both kind of sarcastic and have little patience for rude or bullying behavior.

Isn't the 4th grade response to this -- "yeah being gay IS an insult to 99% of people, you must not think it is probably because you ARE gay."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

+1

Parent of two middle school boys here.

You are both dead wrong. It is most definitely used as an insult by kids. Now you can live in a PC world where that isn't true, but watch out for the unicorns and other fantasy creatures in that world. In the real world, when a kid tells another "you are gay", it is meant as an insult. A different discussion could be "should" it be used as an insult, but that is not what you've said. Now, depending on the context, it is very likely such a minor insult as to be completely unworthy of a response. But lets not pretend that it was not meant as an insult of some kind. It was. A fourth grader is old enough to tell when someone has insulted him. So "making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult" is an exercise is trying to convince him that what he actually knows, he does not know.

PP, I get what you mean, but the takeaway is "son, being gay is an insult" and son hears being gay is bad, wrong, etc. Suicide is the leading cause of death for LGBTQ kids. Don't feed it. In case OP's DS is testing his mom with this incident, she should make sure son knows he is loved and supported.

Do you have a source for that? Suicide is the second leading cause of death for all teens. With accidents being the first. I haven't seen any sources that show that isn't true for LGB+ kids. Interested in your research findings.

This may not be how you are supposed to handle it, but my kids would probably respond with something like:

"Is that supposed to be an insult? Because if so it was pathetic. If you're gonna waste your time being a jerk and insulting people, at least come up with something better next time. Like maybe something that's actually, you know, really an insult." Followed by an eye roll.

Puts the girl on notice that (a) they don't care what she thinks, (b) they think being rude to people is stupid and a waste of time, and (c) they don't think the word "gay" is an appropriate way to insult someone anyway.

But then again, my kids and I are both kind of sarcastic and have little patience for rude or bullying behavior.

It's an insult -- if she had called him a freak or a creep, that would be an insult too. Surely by 4th grade, he has figured out how to respond to insults to make them stop without running to the teacher every time -- whether that's making a comment back, not reacting so the insulter gets bored and moves on etc. So tell him to do what he'd normally do.

I'm not sure that going down the -- but being gay is so awesome road -- is really needed here.

Anonymous wrote:Girl: " You're GAY!"
Your son: "Is that supposed to be an insult? Because there's nothing wrong with being gay." [boy exits and ignores girl if she tries to engage further]

Done.

Would NOT be teaching him to say that as there's a chance that spirals into -- OMG Braden thinks there's nothing wrong with being gay, must mean he IS gay. His "sexuality" -- to the extent that exists in 4th grade -- need not be a topic of discussion; it's the kind of thing that could blow over in a day or the kind of thing that could follow him into middle school. Sorry but I wouldn't want anyone thinking my DS was gay, though I know that I'm a rare person in this area as I don't think it's "okay" to be gay -- I mean if you are, you are and I tolerate it but I don't 'celebrate' it.

I've already taught my children the long, menacing laugh. My DD has perfected it. I've seen her use it to break a would-be bully. She also picked up putting her hand out and saying "tssss," to great effect. Then again, she is a ball of self-confidence.

DS needs to work on it, because attacks confuse him. He's more likely to ask what a word means than to respond with force, despite his larger size.

I've found that the laughter and eye-rolling blunts the power of whatever insult was intended. I won't revisit them here, but know that they are cruel.

My children are early school age. Not sure how the dynamic changes. Not sure it ever does, if my work environment is any indication.

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

I agree. At this age, there are all sorts of insults floating around. There are tons of insulting words out there (including 'weirdo', 'freak', 'retard') but the important things are to know are how to react when insulted (or you see someone insulted), not to use a word unless you know what it means and report it if it happens on a frequent basis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

+1

Parent of two middle school boys here.

You are both dead wrong. It is most definitely used as an insult by kids. Now you can live in a PC world where that isn't true, but watch out for the unicorns and other fantasy creatures in that world. In the real world, when a kid tells another "you are gay", it is meant as an insult. A different discussion could be "should" it be used as an insult, but that is not what you've said. Now, depending on the context, it is very likely such a minor insult as to be completely unworthy of a response. But lets not pretend that it was not meant as an insult of some kind. It was. A fourth grader is old enough to tell when someone has insulted him. So "making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult" is an exercise is trying to convince him that what he actually knows, he does not know.

PP, I get what you mean, but the takeaway is "son, being gay is an insult" and son hears being gay is bad, wrong, etc. Suicide is the leading cause of death for LGBTQ kids. Don't feed it. In case OP's DS is testing his mom with this incident, she should make sure son knows he is loved and supported.

I'm the first PP quoted (forgive the typos!). I didn't mean that the little girl didn't INTEND it as an insult. Of course she did. But if I were OP, I would make sure that I told my son that while his classmate meant it as an insult, it shouldn't be. There's nothing wrong with being gay and it should not ever be used as a slur.

To the PP with the two middle school boys, I hope you are doing your part and telling your own sons that message as well, if necessary. If you ever hear them or their friends call someone "gay" or "fag," you need to shut that down immediately. It might be a "minor insult" to the heterosexual kid who hears it once in passing, but it could be devastating to a closeted child.

Whether it is reported or not, it's a teachable moment of "We don't call people 'gay' as if it's a bad thing. It is not and she shouldn't use it in that way to you or anyone else."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

+1

Parent of two middle school boys here.

You are both dead wrong. It is most definitely used as an insult by kids. Now you can live in a PC world where that isn't true, but watch out for the unicorns and other fantasy creatures in that world. In the real world, when a kid tells another "you are gay", it is meant as an insult. A different discussion could be "should" it be used as an insult, but that is not what you've said. Now, depending on the context, it is very likely such a minor insult as to be completely unworthy of a response. But lets not pretend that it was not meant as an insult of some kind. It was. A fourth grader is old enough to tell when someone has insulted him. So "making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult" is an exercise is trying to convince him that what he actually knows, he does not know.

PP, I get what you mean, but the takeaway is "son, being gay is an insult" and son hears being gay is bad, wrong, etc. Suicide is the leading cause of death for LGBTQ kids. Don't feed it. In case OP's DS is testing his mom with this incident, she should make sure son knows he is loved and supported.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it than by making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

+1

+2, which is the only reason I'd think to report it because the other kid(probably parents too) obviously are homophobic. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother unless it happens again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned with reporting it thanby making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult and anyone who thinks it is is mistaken.

+1

Parent of two middle school boys here.

You are both dead wrong. It is most definitely used as an insult by kids. Now you can live in a PC world where that isn't true, but watch out for the unicorns and other fantasy creatures in that world. In the real world, when a kid tells another "you are gay", it is meant as an insult. A different discussion could be "should" it be used as an insult, but that is not what you've said. Now, depending on the context, it is very likely such a minor insult as to be completely unworthy of a response. But lets not pretend that it was not meant as an insult of some kind. It was. A fourth grader is old enough to tell when someone has insulted him. So "making sure DS knows that "gay" is not an insult" is an exercise is trying to convince him that what he actually knows, he does not know.

Anonymous wrote:they're in fourth grade. he told few other boys about it and they said he should report it to the counselor, but DS didn't want to coz he's 'not the tattle telling type.'

would you let it go since it's the 'first offense'?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl: " You're GAY!"
Your son: "Is that supposed to be an insult? Because there's nothing wrong with being gay." [boy exits and ignores girl if she tries to engage further]

Done.

Not necessarily. In your fantasy, it's done. In reality, the girl could escalate it and others will start calling him gay, since basically he just embraced it.

Stop thinking like an adult. Think like a kid.

I am thinking like a kid. In most cases kids stop behavior that doesn't get the desired (or any) reaction.