Anonymous wrote:OP - we're expecting our first and my husband just got his first post PhD job that didn't have an end date built in. i.e. A Fed GS scale job and not a grant or fellowship. He has been looking for and interviewing for jobs almost constantly for 5 years. It is grueling and humbling. I am the breadwinner, so we talk about what type of work schedule will work for us, what's the minimum salary and benefits he can accept and we can still pay for daycare, what amount of career progression and personal fulfillment would the jobs he's looking at offer. Then I leave it alone.

He knows he can talk through any opportunity with me and I'll help him polish his resume, practice interview questions, think through pros and cons, calculate commute schedules, etc. He also knows I won't ask about it unless he offers info. His parents and some friends often ask him if his job is a "just another post-doc", when he's getting a real job, etc. He doesn't need more of that at home. I just tell him I love him, I appreciate all the things he does to support my busy work schedule, and that I believe in him and the most important thing is that he finds a job that makes him happy and pays him fairly for what he's worth in his industry.

My advice would be to build him up. Help him polish his wardrobe and communication skills. Encourage him to go to happy hour with colleagues, to networking and alumni events, and to conferences. Help him see what he's worth. Carve out time in the evenings and weekends where he can job search. Realize he will not be able to assemble a crib, research baby stuff, paint the nursery, etc. if you really want him to job search and self improve. You have to decide that his search is as important as other things you each do around the house and make it a priority. Then you have to give him a chance to step up, realizing that he can't make it happen on an arbitrary timeline set by you and that all the nagging and disappointment in the world will not make a dream job appear.