Anonymous
Post 03/31/2014 10:49     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
We are completely broke from paying for therapy, and I had to leave my job to manage our child's medical needs. I fantasize about divorce but have to drag this marriage along with me through life because that's what is best for our dc. We can't afford two households.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2014 10:34     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
PP here-that is my concern too. At least if I am under the same roof at all times I can monitor how my SN child is doing, as my spouse totally checks out most of the time when things become overwhelming.

Anonymous
Post 03/31/2014 10:15     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
It definitely adds extra stress, but divorce may just exacerbate the issues when a SN kid is involved. My spouse has a tendency to get overwhelmed, caught in denial, or not follow through with DC's therapy. Beside the emotional aspect for the child and the considerable financial implications of having to run two households, I would have to worry about DC not getting the therapy she needs during stretches with the other parent. I could not live with that, knowing that it is the only thing that can help her potentially lead some sort of life.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2014 09:31     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:<<Get to know all aspects of your SN kid and love them all and everything will end up O.K.>>

With all due respect, this is b.s. My DC has wonderful gifts, yes, but they do not compensate for his extreme disabilities. I have no reason to think everything will be ok. I have to consider that we will be caring for him financially and physically into adulthood.


+1. My kid screamed hours per day. We tried everything. Just now, after years and years of dealing with chronic irritability are things getting better. It's very difficult to describe the emotional tole a kid like that can take on your marriage and on family life.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 23:07     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
21:23, unfortunately, getting divorced won't mean you won't argue any more. I know many couples who argue more once they split than they did as a couple. Definitely try finding a therapist for you and maybe think about family therapy down the road. This is hard; hang in there.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 22:31     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I stumbled across this thread tonight, and was relieved to learn I am not alone. Have son with severe ADHD and when he is off his meds on weekends he is a nightmare (we try to scale back on weekends so he can eat as the stimulant dangerously suppresses his appetite and he is a picky eater and very defiant child in general). My marriage has suffered terribly-I suspect my husband and I never functioned well as a team before we had children, and having a child like this has just exhausted every resource we have. I am far more open to the idea of therapy than he (considers it a waste of time and money), but I am considering leaving him if he doesn't at least try something to get us on the same page with coparenting. We have 2 other children, who thank God seem normal, but they suffer too due to their brothers behavior. I told DC tonight that I really thought we should call it quits on the marriage, and at least we wouldn't fight in front of our oldest child, but am worried about the heavy financial and emotional toil-my oldest is very attached to his father over me since I end up being the disciplinarian, and I am afraid I will lose him altogether if we divorce. I was hoping to stick it out another 10 years until everyone is grown, but it just doesn't seem possible. Anyone BTDT? Any suggestions for a quality therapist in DC, MD or NOVA? I am really at the end of my rope!


OP here. No suggestions. Lots of empathy. I am in a very similar boat. I am going to go back to individual therapy. I am resolved to simply living in neutrality for now. It is the way things are.


I am one of the PPs and i hear you. A big reason we are still together is because neither of us can deal with the emotional and financial nightmare that a divorce would be. And it will be hell on the kids, who are very attached to both of us. So we grit our teeth and stick it out.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 21:38     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:I stumbled across this thread tonight, and was relieved to learn I am not alone. Have son with severe ADHD and when he is off his meds on weekends he is a nightmare (we try to scale back on weekends so he can eat as the stimulant dangerously suppresses his appetite and he is a picky eater and very defiant child in general). My marriage has suffered terribly-I suspect my husband and I never functioned well as a team before we had children, and having a child like this has just exhausted every resource we have. I am far more open to the idea of therapy than he (considers it a waste of time and money), but I am considering leaving him if he doesn't at least try something to get us on the same page with coparenting. We have 2 other children, who thank God seem normal, but they suffer too due to their brothers behavior. I told DC tonight that I really thought we should call it quits on the marriage, and at least we wouldn't fight in front of our oldest child, but am worried about the heavy financial and emotional toil-my oldest is very attached to his father over me since I end up being the disciplinarian, and I am afraid I will lose him altogether if we divorce. I was hoping to stick it out another 10 years until everyone is grown, but it just doesn't seem possible. Anyone BTDT? Any suggestions for a quality therapist in DC, MD or NOVA? I am really at the end of my rope!


OP here. No suggestions. Lots of empathy. I am in a very similar boat. I am going to go back to individual therapy. I am resolved to simply living in neutrality for now. It is the way things are.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 21:23     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
I stumbled across this thread tonight, and was relieved to learn I am not alone. Have son with severe ADHD and when he is off his meds on weekends he is a nightmare (we try to scale back on weekends so he can eat as the stimulant dangerously suppresses his appetite and he is a picky eater and very defiant child in general). My marriage has suffered terribly-I suspect my husband and I never functioned well as a team before we had children, and having a child like this has just exhausted every resource we have. I am far more open to the idea of therapy than he (considers it a waste of time and money), but I am considering leaving him if he doesn't at least try something to get us on the same page with coparenting. We have 2 other children, who thank God seem normal, but they suffer too due to their brothers behavior. I told DC tonight that I really thought we should call it quits on the marriage, and at least we wouldn't fight in front of our oldest child, but am worried about the heavy financial and emotional toil-my oldest is very attached to his father over me since I end up being the disciplinarian, and I am afraid I will lose him altogether if we divorce. I was hoping to stick it out another 10 years until everyone is grown, but it just doesn't seem possible. Anyone BTDT? Any suggestions for a quality therapist in DC, MD or NOVA? I am really at the end of my rope!
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 20:51     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:OP, a SN child just puts more pressure on a marriage, end of story. Its a high-stakes emotional source of potential conflict, its expensive, its draining, it just adds stress in a way families with typically developing children don't have to deal with


Agree 100%
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 17:54     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Anonymous wrote:Neurotypical kids put a lot of stress on a marriage. It only makes sense that it would be even more stressful dealing with a child with special needs.


I think this is what lends us to think that the divorce rate is greater for parents of SN children and it makes sense. There are many places where parents can disagree witha SN chid- the diagbnoses and severity of the issue, the treatment options, the financial tress, the emotional stress, the stress of one or both taking a career step back. OTOH, parents of SN might "stick it out" longer because of the nature of the SN of thier child(ren) and they may end up back at a better place along the way.

Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 16:56     Subject: Re:Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
Neurotypical kids put a lot of stress on a marriage. It only makes sense that it would be even more stressful dealing with a child with special needs.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 16:43     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
According to this presenter, it's a myth that the rate of divorce is higher in families like ours. I don't remember if he was referring to ASD or to SN in general. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_6PrY5awag&feature=youtu.be
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 15:17     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
I agree that the type of SN is important- those whose children are dealing with hidden disabilities face more judgement and scrutiny from the outside world that can put extra pressure on a marriage. When the child has an ED or behavior problems that can put more stress on the family because you cannot leave the child anywhere or with anyone. However, as the child gets older and learns coping strategies or finds the correct medication, that child "might" become easier.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 15:08     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
It sure does add a lot of stress on a marriage. There's just so much to do for us between two SN kids, two full time jobs, and then everything else that comes with life when you have kids with or without SN. I cope better than dh, which has been a big source of our fights, but he's been improving a lot and so has our peace in the house. It's extremely tiring, and I think something that I am guilty of that takes away from our marriage is at the end of the day, when both kids are finally asleep, I can barely move. We have no family here in the area, and we see a big quality of life boost when they visit and we have that help. Our marriage is strong, and we wouldn't trade our kids for anything in the world, but it sure is more work than our friends who have kids without SN!
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2014 13:19     Subject: Did your marriage survive having special needs child?
I think it depends on what kind of SN you are talking about. I've researched this a lot for myself...it seems like children with emotional disturbances are the biggest strain on a family. Those with severe multiple physical disabilities are hard too but not as much as the first group. ID and milder physical disabilities such as dwarfism aren't so difficult on a marriage unless one of the parents is highly neurotic or narcissistic or has low education. It's tough on fathers from a macho culture too.

Other important factors are family support, networks for your child's diagnosis and state support programs.