Anonymous wrote:

Not the PPs, but you people calling the OP names really ought to consider the "maturity" of your own behavior. Name calling and crap labels aren't going to help the OP. You don't know enough about the situation to make any such grand proclamations anyway. Even mature people can be gaslit and behave in ways they might otherwise not. So, just back off. If you don't have something constructive to say, then find another thread.

Generally, when someone gets this incensed about someone else's take on a situation, the comments are hitting a little too close to home. If you are only looking to have someone affirm your own narrow views of any situation, you are closing yourself off from an opportunity to grow.

You're bullying the OP and now you are trying to bully me. The only one who needs a mirror is you.

Not the PPs, but you people calling the OP names really ought to consider the "maturity" of your own behavior. Name calling and crap labels aren't going to help the OP. You don't know enough about the situation to make any such grand proclamations anyway. Even mature people can be gaslit and behave in ways they might otherwise not. So, just back off. If you don't have something constructive to say, then find another thread.

Generally, when someone gets this incensed about someone else's take on a situation, the comments are hitting a little too close to home. If you are only looking to have someone affirm your own narrow views of any situation, you are closing yourself off from an opportunity to grow.

Anonymous wrote:

Not the PPs, but you people calling the OP names really ought to consider the "maturity" of your own behavior. Name calling and crap labels aren't going to help the OP. You don't know enough about the situation to make any such grand proclamations anyway. Even mature people can be gaslit and behave in ways they might otherwise not. So, just back off. If you don't have something constructive to say, then find another thread.

Perhaps you should "back off". Not agreeing with your view of the world does not mean someone's comments are not constructive. Perhaps you should look at your own behavior and your own motivation and yes, even your own "maturity".

Wow. You have a lot of anger. First it was the OP. Now it's me.

Name calling is never constructive.

Not the PPs, but you people calling the OP names really ought to consider the "maturity" of your own behavior. Name calling and crap labels aren't going to help the OP. You don't know enough about the situation to make any such grand proclamations anyway. Even mature people can be gaslit and behave in ways they might otherwise not. So, just back off. If you don't have something constructive to say, then find another thread.

Perhaps you should "back off". Not agreeing with your view of the world does not mean someone's comments are not constructive. Perhaps you should look at your own behavior and your own motivation and yes, even your own "maturity".

Anonymous wrote:

15:46 some MILs try to make it very difficult. If you have NOT come into this, be GRATEFUL - not condescending.

I had such a MIL and I know exactly of what I speak. Speaking the truth does not make me condescending. If you are only looking for someone to affirm your bad behavior then your problems are bigger than a childish screaming match with your MIL.

Not the PPs, but you people calling the OP names really ought to consider the "maturity" of your own behavior. Name calling and crap labels aren't going to help the OP. You don't know enough about the situation to make any such grand proclamations anyway. Even mature people can be gaslit and behave in ways they might otherwise not. So, just back off. If you don't have something constructive to say, then find another thread.

15:46 some MILs try to make it very difficult. If you have NOT come into this, be GRATEFUL - not condescending.

I had such a MIL and I know exactly of what I speak. Speaking the truth does not make me condescending. If you are only looking for someone to affirm your bad behavior then your problems are bigger than a childish screaming match with your MIL.

PP's - PLEASE provide the names of an EFFECTIVE marriage counselor in the area that you have experienced. It is crystal clear DHs family needs therapy, but that will never happen. At least if he understood my POV, it would help. DH has an abusive family, now they are trying to be abusive to me. TIA.

15:46 some MILs try to make it very difficult. If you have NOT come into this, be GRATEFUL - not condescending.

Anonymous wrote:People are not usually "disrespectful" without reason. All of you who are complaining about your "disrespectful" in-laws need to examine your own behavior to see how you are contributing to the disfunction…and no I am not a MIL. I am simply an older mother than most on this board and and have watched this play out too often in my own family and with those of my friends. It is usually about power trips or marrying into a family with different expectations, rituals, etc. and then expecting everyone to bow down to your rules without compromise. The spouse is invariably caught in the middle and it because an "if you loved me you would…" which is childish and manipulative. Sometimes you are simply wrong or have unreasonable expectations. Sometimes in-laws are wrong and have unreasonable expectations. In any event, mature adults do do not try to control everything, they do not put their spouse in the middle (i.e., they address their own issues) and they do not get into screaming matches. If you do, you are not modeling mature adult behavior for your children and you are the one damaging your family.

PP, you nailed it!

OP - where are you? I hope everything has simmered down over there and you have found some peace in your house.

People are not usually "disrespectful" without reason. All of you who are complaining about your "disrespectful" in-laws need to examine your own behavior to see how you are contributing to the disfunction…and no I am not a MIL. I am simply an older mother than most on this board and and have watched this play out too often in my own family and with those of my friends. It is usually about power trips or marrying into a family with different expectations, rituals, etc. and then expecting everyone to bow down to your rules without compromise. The spouse is invariably caught in the middle and it because an "if you loved me you would…" which is childish and manipulative. Sometimes you are simply wrong or have unreasonable expectations. Sometimes in-laws are wrong and have unreasonable expectations. In any event, mature adults do do not try to control everything, they do not put their spouse in the middle (i.e., they address their own issues) and they do not get into screaming matches. If you do, you are not modeling mature adult behavior for your children and you are the one damaging your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shaking because my MIL just came over to see the kids and it ended in a screaming match. I feel that MIL has never respected me, she bullies me and is critical. She doesn't listen to me and says rude stuff. MIL has been driving me insane my whole marriage of almost 10 years. DH has never adequately intervened or stood up for me. So, a recent event happened with MIL where she did something that partially effected my child and I am furious about it. So she came over and we had it out --- yelling, screaming, etc. She called me crazy and said she better leave before she told me what she really thinks of me. FIL and DH had to shuffle her out the door.

DH has not spoken to me since they left. Pretty sure he is mad at me because he is one to ignore issues and not be confrontational.

I am just so upset. Wanted to vent.

How very Jerry Springer Show of you. A screaming match with your MIL. Not good. Not good. I really hope that you don't have a creaming match with your DIL when the time comes.

Oh, sweetie.

It doesn't even start to get to Jerry Springer levels until someone throws a chair or calls the cop.

Go back to the country club and have another glass of wine. The grown-ups are talking.

Anonymous wrote:
ITA. OP clearly said that the MIL had been torturing her for 10 years. Typical DCUM. First instinct is the blame the OP. But, some of us have experience with family members like this. My MIL is awesome, but my sister's MIL is a nightmare. She also did something that hurt my nephew and my sister lost it too. Frankly, it was about time.

I agree that OP should seek out a good marriage counselor. OP's DH needs to learn to set boundaries with his parents and to stick up for his family. He should never have let his mother pick on his wife - not once, let alone for a decade.

+1

If OP's MIL did something to hurt OP's DD, then OP has a right to be angry and speak her mind. Having that descend into a screaming match is immature, no matter who started it or whose fault the initial incident is.

OP, you need to find a marriage counselor. If you've been taking b.s. from your MIL for 10 years and your DH has not been sticking up for you, there is a problem with your marriage. In no way should it be acceptable to your DH for your MIL to yell at you and vice versa. He ought to have intervened years ago to stop your MIL's disrespectiful behavior, and he ought to have intervened to stop the screaming match immediately, and sent both you girls to you rooms.

What behavior are you modeling for your children? Mature adults do not engage in screaming matches, no matter their differences.

The incident with your DD (whatever it was), was simply the match that ignited a whole pile of festering resentment in you. If your DH has been ignoring your anger at the way your MIL treats you (which you obviously feel is disrespectful), he is at fault for not standing up for you and working with you to develop clear boundaries for your family's relationship with his mother.

We had similar issues early in our marriage, but I told DH that he had to stand up for me. I specifically asked him to protect me from his parents' nasty remarks and disrespectful behavior. When DH did this, things changed. He told them they had to be respectful of me and our children and he placed clear limits on when they were allowed into our house and how much time they could spend with the children. It sounds harsh, OP, but once he did this, it was easier for all of us to be around each other. The in-laws are still nasty, but they've learned to keep it to themselves when I'm around, or else they won't see DH, me and our kids. DH was the only one who could have done this. Yes, he loves his parents, but he has a wife and children, and we are his first priority. I wish I had great in-laws, but I don't, so we've worked it out the best we can. We've never had a screaming match, but I can see how that would happen if DH had not stood up for me.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will not get any support here. DCUM is clearly full of incredibly mature people who would never, ever,ever yell at anyone. Ever. Didn't you know that yelling makes you a Neanderthal? You have lost your white, upper middle class street cred by yelling. You've outed yourself as low class.

Seriously though, I suggest counseling for you and your DH on how to handle family issues. He needs to support the one he married, the one who he pledged to forsake all others for, including his mommy. If you've been taking this woman's shit for ten years, your husband has probably been feeding you lines to shut you up and make you take it. Does he ever says things like, "that's just how she is" and "be the bigger person" or "she's older, so she deserves respect"?

If so, time to to tell him that now, this is how you are. You aren't going to take shit any more. She can become the bigger person or she isn't in your lives. If she cant respect the mama, no relationship with the kids the mama pushed out (or adopted, etc).

And counseling,counseling counseling!!!!! With someone who is not going to be all kumbaya, turn the other cheek. Find someone who specializes in difficult family stuff.

Totally agree. I was in a similar situation except we almost didn't get married because of it. It was 2 months prior to the wedding and I was ready to call it off. I'd already figured out how to get most of the deposit money back. We went to counseling and after some intense sessions, DH realized his expectations were out of line and his parents were out of bounds. They both died within the first 12 years of our marriage. They weren't always easy but at least DH and I were always on the same page (and continued counseling helped when we hit a rough patch). Yes, you were wrong for yelling and losing your temper and should consider (by not necessarily) apologize. But now is the time to set some boundaries and expectations. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will not get any support here. DCUM is clearly full of incredibly mature people who would never, ever,ever yell at anyone. Ever. Didn't you know that yelling makes you a Neanderthal? You have lost your white, upper middle class street cred by yelling. You've outed yourself as low class.

Seriously though, I suggest counseling for you and your DH on how to handle family issues. He needs to support the one he married, the one who he pledged to forsake all others for, including his mommy. If you've been taking this woman's shit for ten years, your husband has probably been feeding you lines to shut you up and make you take it. Does he ever says things like, "that's just how she is" and "be the bigger person" or "she's older, so she deserves respect"?

If so, time to to tell him that now, this is how you are. You aren't going to take shit any more. She can become the bigger person or she isn't in your lives. If she cant respect the mama, no relationship with the kids the mama pushed out (or adopted, etc).

And counseling,counseling counseling!!!!! With someone who is not going to be all kumbaya, turn the other cheek. Find someone who specializes in difficult family stuff.

Agree 100% with this post. Very similar situation. Slightly different case, but I was ready for divorce (no children) after a couple of years of abuse and an unresponsive husband. We did couple therapy and my husband realized his mistakes.

After successful couple therapy, we decided to try family therapy with them. It FAILED. The therapist said that they did not want a relationship with me and she did not think they were going to change. We tried a few things from our side to make thing better and finally after some crazy crap that happened, we cut them off. Best decision ever!

are always juvenile ways to resolve things.

My guess, this is most likely not OP's only similarity to her MIL.