Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may be a good DIL. You suck as a mom, why are you putting the ILs above your kids.
To damn bad for them, they should have saved better.

yea, because kids who have to go to good public schools have bad parents.
Do I suck as a mom too? We have an income grazing 7 figures and our kids are relegated to public schools. Should I hurry up and make a huge donation to Sidwell and hope they can save my children from ruin?

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

Anonymous wrote:You may be a good DIL. You suck as a mom, why are you putting the ILs above your kids.
To damn bad for them, they should have saved better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a class act!

Though your kids might miss out on private school, think of the lessons they are learning from your compassion and loyalty. You are teaching your kids to take care of their own, not many Americans espouse these kind of high values you are modeling.

Think of the resentment they would have.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a class act!

Though your kids might miss out on private school, think of the lessons they are learning from your compassion and loyalty. You are teaching your kids to take care of their own, not many Americans espouse these kind of high values you are modeling.

Anonymous wrote:My kids' education comes first.

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.

of course you can't force them to pay up. but OP should explain to them all now that of the in-laws money and assets will go towards paying their bills now and there should be no expectation that there will be anything left to inherit.

I have seen a similar scenario played out a few times over the years. Despite the kids knowing that their parents were in a nursing facility, that the facility cost money, and that a family member or two were responsible for paying for the nursing facility and doing so entailed using the parents assets, the grown adult children were still shocked when the parents passed to find out there was nothing they were going to inherit. There was some illusion that the sibling that was paying the bills was doing it from their own pocket and working to ensure their would be an inheritance for the other family members.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

I do judge people for not planning ahead. Sorry, I just do. My mother saved like a crazy person to fund her own retirement, which she did successfully. She had only a high school education and never earned more than $30K (I'm guessing). But she made it happen - because she didn't want to jeopardize her kids' and grandchildren's needs being met.

I admire OP, but I do judge her ILs, who could have and should have saved, for not doing so.

And judging them is getting you ........where?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

I do judge people for not planning ahead. Sorry, I just do. My mother saved like a crazy person to fund her own retirement, which she did successfully. She had only a high school education and never earned more than $30K (I'm guessing). But she made it happen - because she didn't want to jeopardize her kids' and grandchildren's needs being met.

I admire OP, but I do judge her ILs, who could have and should have saved, for not doing so.

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.