I have a much older sister. I do try to help out when I visit - but - she is pretty organised and I try not to get in her way (like, I wouldn't just start cooking dinner), and also, I find it hard to clean in others' houses. I don't know where stuff goes and I find it hard to clean around someone else's clutter.

I would ask her to help you. It's not necessarily about lack of empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a younger sister who's in her mid-20's and never lifts up a finger when she visits. As matter of fact, she often doesn't even put her own dirty dishes in the sink and just leaves them on the table. I do occasionally ask her to do something, and sometimes she does it other times she just says later and goes back to her phone. She's like this because my parents have always let her be this way around the house since she was the baby of the house. I find her extremely rude and disrepectful, but I just let it go since she's always been like this. When I have mentioned something about it, she gets extremely defensive and upset. It's partly her fault but also the parents who brought her up.

You realize that you're repeating your parents' pattern, right?

I would sit down with her and have a candid conversation about what you expect from her when she visits. If she's acting like a petulent teenager, I suggest you treat her like one. At least I would if she was in my house.

No I'm not. I'll teach my kids to be respectful and clean up after themselves. I don't want the aggravation of trying to correct a grown woman when she grew up in a household that enabled her. A huge argument starts if I bring up anything negative about her. Last time I got yelled at by my mom and my sister because I insisted on being paid back some money I lent to my sister. My mom paid me back for my sister. So not worth my time and the aggravation.

I wasn't implying that you're doing it with your kids. My point is that if you're ingoring your sister's behavior, you're enabling her to continue it. If you don't want the "aggravation" of telling an adult- whoever it may be- what you expect from them then don't get pissed if they don't meet your expectations. Talking to your sister about basic expectations is not negative. Telling your sister she's a lazy, entitled little bitch is negative.

Again, I'm not saying its your role to change your sister's behavior. But if she's not helping out with basic jobs when she visits, you should be adult enough to talk with her. By trying to ignore her behavior, you're enabling it to continue. And FWIW, it doesn't appear to be reducing your aggravation with it.

This may be unique to me, but with my younger brothers and friends - if I invite them over it is so that I can spend time with them in the comfort of my own home. I don't expect them to work for the food or drink that I provide. It is my home, typically we are there because it is more convenient for me, which I appreciate.

That said, if I do need help, I ask. They will almost always help if they know what can be done. Your sister was probably under the impression that you wanted to have her over, catch up, etc - so while you were away she amused herself until you returned, probably expecting to pick back up in conversation. She may not have known she was supposed to be your extra set of hands. Just ask her for something if you need help - if she says "no" you can continue to call her a terrible, entitled, bratty person. Until then maybe she thinks you do it so effortlessly she would only slow you down or disappoint you by not doing it to your exact specifications.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a younger sister who's in her mid-20's and never lifts up a finger when she visits. As matter of fact, she often doesn't even put her own dirty dishes in the sink and just leaves them on the table. I do occasionally ask her to do something, and sometimes she does it other times she just says later and goes back to her phone. She's like this because my parents have always let her be this way around the house since she was the baby of the house. I find her extremely rude and disrepectful, but I just let it go since she's always been like this. When I have mentioned something about it, she gets extremely defensive and upset. It's partly her fault but also the parents who brought her up.

You realize that you're repeating your parents' pattern, right?

I would sit down with her and have a candid conversation about what you expect from her when she visits. If she's acting like a petulent teenager, I suggest you treat her like one. At least I would if she was in my house.

No I'm not. I'll teach my kids to be respectful and clean up after themselves. I don't want the aggravation of trying to correct a grown woman when she grew up in a household that enabled her. A huge argument starts if I bring up anything negative about her. Last time I got yelled at by my mom and my sister because I insisted on being paid back some money I lent to my sister. My mom paid me back for my sister. So not worth my time and the aggravation.

Anonymous wrote:I also have a younger sister who's in her mid-20's and never lifts up a finger when she visits. As matter of fact, she often doesn't even put her own dirty dishes in the sink and just leaves them on the table. I do occasionally ask her to do something, and sometimes she does it other times she just says later and goes back to her phone. She's like this because my parents have always let her be this way around the house since she was the baby of the house. I find her extremely rude and disrepectful, but I just let it go since she's always been like this. When I have mentioned something about it, she gets extremely defensive and upset. It's partly her fault but also the parents who brought her up.

You realize that you're repeating your parents' pattern, right?

I would sit down with her and have a candid conversation about what you expect from her when she visits. If she's acting like a petulent teenager, I suggest you treat her like one. At least I would if she was in my house.

I also have a younger sister who's in her mid-20's and never lifts up a finger when she visits. As matter of fact, she often doesn't even put her own dirty dishes in the sink and just leaves them on the table. I do occasionally ask her to do something, and sometimes she does it other times she just says later and goes back to her phone. She's like this because my parents have always let her be this way around the house since she was the baby of the house. I find her extremely rude and disrepectful, but I just let it go since she's always been like this. When I have mentioned something about it, she gets extremely defensive and upset. It's partly her fault but also the parents who brought her up.

My older sister is single and like this. She has always felt entitled to being treated like royalty though. She is highly accomplished careerwise and went to all the best schools for undergrad/grad degrees (Princeton, Harvard, Yale) and it's hard for her to accept that by the time you reach a certain age few people ooo and ahhh over that. She gets worshipped and kissed up to by underlings at work, but outside work it's different. She thinks married people with kids have an easy life. She tries to treat me like her hired (but unpaid) help. She also gets offended when my kids get sick of her. We insist they be respectful, but they are very young and aren't into doting on auntie for the entire stay. When I sit down with my sister and set boundaries her feathers get ruffled and she cuts her stay short, which works for me.

I'm the youngest, the only girl with three older brothers. We are well into adulthood but I do not feel as though we are peers. OP ~ you should treat her as a peer. Discuss ahead of time a division of duties - what you need help with. Talk like a friend when you arrange plans, make sure she has equal input. Too often older sibling can't break from this role - the role of care taking. but also of taking the lead (which we younger ones see as bossy)

Anonymous wrote:It's not reasonable for her to expect to be waited on. It's not reasonable for you to expect that she would be lightening your load while she's there. Guests do not lighten the load. They add to it.

Agreed, but a good guest is cognizant of this fact and will behave accordingly - offering to help clean up after dinner, stripping the sheets off the bed and putting them in front of the washer before they leave, etc.

And the younger the kids in the household, the more helpful a guest should be, I think. Why my parents or DH's parents come to visit, we emphasize that we're excited to have them come, but our lives are very crazy and we need help with X to make sure that the visit goes smoothly. If they can't or aren't willing to do this, they need to stay at a hotel.

She sounds as narcissistic as my younger sister! Whenever my other family comes, they offer to help.

But I agree with PP who says if you want her to do something, ask instead of waiting for it to occur to her (it never will). Unless she's totally clueless she'll get the point.

She can't read your mind.

SIL (13 years younger than DH) used to do this. DH still thinks of her as a kid (she isn't any longer) so that's how she acts when she's around us. The last time she came to visit she brought a friend with her, a guy she wasn't dating, and told us about him 2 days before she arrived.

He was a dream guest! Cleaned the kitchen, picked up after himself, played with the kids, was incredibly gracious...and shamed SIL into acting better. I made sure to show my delight with him and comment on what a great house guest he was.

Were SIL my own sister I would have put a stop to her expectations of being waited on constantly (after we purchase her plane ticket to come visit!) and having her toddler-esque eating habits catered to, but we have a strict "You deal with your family and I deal with mine" policy in our marriage. Say something to your sister.