Dear OP, I am very sorry that you are going through this. Go see a lawyer, know your rights, and give your husband a reality check.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you so much for all the advice. DH actually keeps saying to me - my friendship with Jane has nothing to do with our marriage problems...they are two separate things and I need to make him understand that to me these things do go together.

His friendship with Jane is the prime example of the huge issue. He's not discussing stuff with YOU. He's getting his emotional needs fulfilled somewhere else. He needs to talk about marriage problems with YOU. And that woman is preying on him. She needs to butt the F out of your marriage. If she's really his friend, she would tell him to talk to you and work on the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you so much for all the advice. DH actually keeps saying to me - my friendship with Jane has nothing to do with our marriage problems...they are two separate things and I need to make him understand that to me these things do go together.

OP-- here's how I would respond to that:

"No, the issue is not your friendship with Jane. The issue is your disrespectful behavior towards me. The issue is your failure to be transparent with me. Marriage is not about secrecy and mistrust. Yet this is what you have presented to me. You have shared intimate details of our marriage with another woman that is not a therapist or an immediate family member. I have asked you to stop this relationship and to come clean about it. Instead you have stonewalled me. That is disrespectful. I don't know where this marriage is going, but I do know that it can't go anywhere unless you are honest with yourself and with me about what is going on. I don't know whether you have crossed a line with this woman or not. But that's not the point. You have crossed a line with me--you have been secretive, mistrustful and disrespectful to me and our marriage. I have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor for Thursday at 5pm. I've arranged for a sitter. I'm going, and would like for you to go. If you choose not to go, that's information for me. I'm still going. I'm not discussing this any more until the therapist appointment."

There is nothing wrong wrt lunch with the opposite sex. I work in a male dominating field (IT Security); and over the course of several years I have made several lunch buddy friends; male co-workers of all ages from 35 years older to 5 years younger. I would NEVER think to having an affair with these men.

Now, the 9PM coffee meeting is inappropriate. I would never meet one of my lunch buddies (nor any male co-worker) in the evening (or after work) unless it was a company happy hour with many other co-workers present.

Sorry OP, I think your DH has a thing for this woman, and it is inappropriate for him to meet her during evening hours.

OP here - thank you so much for all the advice. DH actually keeps saying to me - my friendship with Jane has nothing to do with our marriage problems...they are two separate things and I need to make him understand that to me these things do go together.

Bottom line is...he needs to lay it all out there and be honest with you. You have every right to know what you're dealing with. It does sound like they are having an affair.

It may also be that they have been flirting with an emotional affair but this woman has been somewhat unavailable to your DH...but now that her relationship is falling apart, your DH is trying to set things up so they can be together - setting you up in a rental apartment, stating he's not happy, etc.
Maybe I'm totally wrong but their connection is definitely suspicious and is in some way related to your husband checking out if the marriage.

OP, add me to the chorus of "he's gas lighting you." Please, please protect yourself and your children. Gather financial documents, see a lawyer, get into individual therapy.

Ugh. This is so familiar, and not in a good way. Have you checked out surviving infidelity yet? They've got good advice on getting your ducks in a row.

OP--if there is nothing wrong and the relationship with this woman is merely platonic and "casual," then he would have no problem showing all of his emails and texts. Stop the gas lighting now. He's making you think you are crazy. You are not. This is not normal behavior from a spouse. If he's really innocent, then he would be an open book.

OP, I'm sorry. I know you are hurting, but it's time to start protecting yourself.

Start seeing a therapist alone, whether it's the one you see with DH or not, is ok, although it might help to make it the one you see with DH.

DH has asked you to move out -- you need to protect your children since you don't have a lot of assets.
Schedule a consult with a lawyer. Figure out what you need to do to make sure that you prove his infidelity in the case of divorce and how to stay calm in the coming face.

Take care of yourself. Connect with friends. Take care of and enjoy your kids.

Do NOT take your husband's bait. And I agree, calmly and clearly confront DH in therapy. It will help take the pressure off and force your husband to stop being the lying weasel he is.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - a little more info - DH says they haven't had lunch very often but he did discuss his marital problems with her and she discussed her problems with him and they do exchange emails once per week. Also, lately, they have had some long phone calls about their respective situations. He is still insisting that this is all okay and she is just a casual friend. He will not show me the emails and said I am being ridiculous and got furious and said I was overstepping my bounds and attacking him. He may be willing to cut off contact but he has gone back and forth on this, but of course, I will have no way of knowing because I can't check his phone or emails or follow him around at work. But I am wondering - if she is just a casual friend, why is he discussing his deepest feelings and marital troubles with her? I told him that this is the part that does not make sense. He says she is an easy person to talk to...but I say, if they don't have lunch often, why in the world did such a personal topic come up in coversation. Am I right that this is weird/doesn't make sense? Or is there a possibility that he is being genuine here?

No, you are absolutely right. I would bet every penny I have that he is gas lighting you, OP.

If she is just a friend, then he should be comfortable inviting her over to join your family for dinner one day.

OP, your husband is done with the marriage. He wants out and wants a divorce. But he's hoping he can continue to do things like this until you finally get fed up and are the one to actually say "I want a divorce". I know it sucks to hear that, but I don't think there is any hope of saving your marriage and I think now, instead of thinking about his friend, you need to think about what you're going to do with the marriage.

OP here - a little more info - DH says they haven't had lunch very often but he did discuss his marital problems with her and she discussed her problems with him and they do exchange emails once per week. Also, lately, they have had some long phone calls about their respective situations. He is still insisting that this is all okay and she is just a casual friend. He will not show me the emails and said I am being ridiculous and got furious and said I was overstepping my bounds and attacking him. He may be willing to cut off contact but he has gone back and forth on this, but of course, I will have no way of knowing because I can't check his phone or emails or follow him around at work. But I am wondering - if she is just a casual friend, why is he discussing his deepest feelings and marital troubles with her? I told him that this is the part that does not make sense. He says she is an easy person to talk to...but I say, if they don't have lunch often, why in the world did such a personal topic come up in coversation. Am I right that this is weird/doesn't make sense? Or is there a possibility that he is being genuine here?

BTDT OP. I'm so sorry, but he's been cheating for a while. She is probably asking him to separate, but he felt a little guilty after proposing you move out so he dropped it for now.

I know it is hard. The pain of finding out a spouse is cheating is one of the worst feelings someone can feel. Try to gather what evidence you can now. You'll need it later. Check emails, texts, and cell phone use. Use a keylogger if you have to, he has gone so far over the line he has no right to privacy now. Keep a copy of all contact. I wouldn't confront the other woman at this point. You don't want them to know you are suspicious until you have hard evidence in your hand.

In the meantime, try to get your financial house in order in case it comes to separation or divorce. Make a plan for what you would do. It doesn't have to turn out this way - my marriage survived an affair a lot of pain and a lot of work by both of us to make things right in our marriage. But your DH's continued contact and dishonesty when you clearly have him cornered is worrisome.

Wow OP. I am dealing with a VERY similar situation. Not sure how it will pan out yet. Good luck to you.