Anonymous wrote:Everyone should please note that the OP stated that this situation has been going on for 10 years.

Sadly yes, that's been noted. That is one of the reasons I recommended counseling. Married to the guy or not he is still controlling her life.

I shudder to think what this guy has done or said in the past to maintain this level of control after 10 years of not being married. OP has said everyone suffers when he is angry. Like who, their child? Who else would allow themselves to suffer? OP, what does he threaten to do if you don't comply with what he wants? What is he doing after this long?

OP , is a PP right that he's giving you more money than the courts stated? That's the only reason I can see why you are so damn wishy washy over cutting him out of your life.

Everyone should please note that the OP stated that this situation has been going on for 10 years.

Consequences of not talking to him? REALLY? Exactly what is he going to do, take you to court for not talking to him, for not "listening" to him?

You are not married to him anymore. Get yourself some counseling, and get away from him. Completely. Never mind dating anyone right now, you are not in the mind frame for it.

Anonymous wrote:He's not my Facebook friend. We have a couple of mutual friends who don't use FB much and are both my child's friend.

I'm not entirely sure how he got into my email.

We share a cell family account. I'll look into getting my own.

A lot of changes to how I act and how we handle money is going to tip him off that I'm hiding something. It needs to be done. I'll find a way to do it.

Umm..

Change your privacy settings. Block him, he will see nothing of yours.

Change your email.

Don't look into getting your own cell phone, just DO it.

You are hiding nothing. You are moving on with a life without him in it.

This guy has really done a number on you!

OP, you are full of excuses. You do not want to do the hard work, which is standing up for yourself and telling this bully to pound sand.

I grew up with a mother like you. It is so frustrating to watch. My father was an abusive bully to my mom and I have had zero issues throwing him out of my life. A strong woman would never tolerate this shit.

Something tells me you take more money and assistance from this man than he is legally obligated to give you. He with the gold rules.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why won't you comment on the very helpful posts who have given you ways to disengage from you ex? Honestly curious

I'm trying to consider the consequences of not talking to him anymore. I'm not sure how to respond.

What would the consequences be? Why would you even want to talk to him again? If he gets abusive or aggressive, you call the cops.

I don't think the OP is trying to make anyone jealous. I do think it's totally reasonable that someone who's dating you should have the expectation that at some point, your relationship will be public. There are not a lot of people who would be satisfied to be in a secret relationship. If you are trying to conceal any evidence of being in a relationship or even starting a relationship so that your ex-husband doesn't get mad about it, I can understand why a person might want to move on.

If you want to find a new partner, you need to be up front about doing that. I fully understand the income issues as I do not make that much more than you, but at some point, you are going to need to figure out a way to support yourself, rather than relying on your controlling, manipulative ex-husband for financial assistance that he believes allows him to choose your friends and activities for you.

Since you need specifics, here are mine:

1. change your email password to something that he'll never guess. There are guidelines you can look at for selecting a highly secure password. Use them.
2. get your own cell phone plan. You can keep your number. There are often introductory specials. There are prepaid phones.
3. make a point of going to your child's events on your own or with a friend. Have plans with non-threatening friends either immediately before or after the events, and tell him that you have plans. If he pushes, in the beginning, you can tell him, Oh, I'm meeting Karen for lunch or whatever. Later, do not provide details even if he asks for them. Some good phrases: "I'd rather not discuss my personal life" and "Let's focus on DC's event".
4. What do you do for a living? Try to figure out ways to increase your income so that you can depend on your ex less for financial assistance. If this means that you take a part time job for a while in order to save some money, then that's what it means.

Anonymous wrote:OP, why won't you comment on the very helpful posts who have given you ways to disengage from you ex? Honestly curious

I'm trying to consider the consequences of not talking to him anymore. I'm not sure how to respond.

OP, why won't you comment on the very helpful posts who have given you ways to disengage from you ex? Honestly curious

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I wish there was a way to talk some sense into him. There will be hell to pay for this.

No, someone needs to talk some sense into you...

Take your unhelpful advice somewhere else.

I'm not going to stop going to my child's sporting or scouting events. I can't just stop talking to him without bailing on my child.

I can switch phone plans. I'm not sure what else is workable.

Yes, actually you can. You can go to the sporting and scouting events and talk to other parents who are not your ex. Bring a friend if you want. You have to put the work in, but it can be done. You just don't engage. Block the people on FB who are telling our ex your personal stuff. They aren't friends to you and your ex can keep them in touch with your kid. Change your email password to something that your ex would never be able to guess. Just stop engaging. You don't have to talk to him at these events or even look at him.

I second this. OP, your follow up messages are very apologist. Your current system sucks. He is controlling you through your phone and your child's activities.

You don't have to stop going. You just have to stop going _with him_. I am kind of confused as to how those activities play out. You guys go together? And behave as though, what? You're still married? What are you so afraid will happen if you don't go with him and don't sit next to him? Do you think he'll make a scene? Take you to court? For what, not sitting with him or letting him drive?

Think it through.

It almost sounds as though Op is...maybe trying to make this guy jealous? Any truth to that Op? Do you still have a thing for this fella?

What are you talking about? Make who jealous?

I can assure you I'm not trying to make anyone jealous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I wish there was a way to talk some sense into him. There will be hell to pay for this.

No, someone needs to talk some sense into you...

Take your unhelpful advice somewhere else.

I'm not going to stop going to my child's sporting or scouting events. I can't just stop talking to him without bailing on my child.

I can switch phone plans. I'm not sure what else is workable.

Yes, actually you can. You can go to the sporting and scouting events and talk to other parents who are not your ex. Bring a friend if you want. You have to put the work in, but it can be done. You just don't engage. Block the people on FB who are telling our ex your personal stuff. They aren't friends to you and your ex can keep them in touch with your kid. Change your email password to something that your ex would never be able to guess. Just stop engaging. You don't have to talk to him at these events or even look at him.

I second this. OP, your follow up messages are very apologist. Your current system sucks. He is controlling you through your phone and your child's activities.

You don't have to stop going. You just have to stop going _with him_. I am kind of confused as to how those activities play out. You guys go together? And behave as though, what? You're still married? What are you so afraid will happen if you don't go with him and don't sit next to him? Do you think he'll make a scene? Take you to court? For what, not sitting with him or letting him drive?

Think it through.

It almost sounds as though Op is...maybe trying to make this guy jealous? Any truth to that Op? Do you still have a thing for this fella?

Hi OP. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do want to tell you that I've been in the same boat. I divorced my incredibly abusive husband about ten years ago, and he continues to f(#* with my life in whatever way he can. For the first several years, he monitored my behavior as best he could - from reports from friends, from assumptions from the little bits of "evidence" he collected, etc - and he punished me when he didn't like how he thought I was behaving.

While I still lived in fear of him, I was over the years able to put up some legal walls by demonstrating his crazy behavior to the courts - keeping records of threatening calls/emails, capturing photos when he left gift wrapped shit on my front stairs, removing the GPS tracker that he placed under my car and brining it to the attention of the police and such. I had to keep a very even keel over those crazy upsetting times - continuing to keep to our parenting agreement perfectly and not responding upset to his crazy emails or messages with my own upset, which he would have used against me.

We're ten years down the line too, and he is still a controlling train wreck of a person but he has a TON less control in my life than he used to. I've never been too blunt with our daughter, but she sees and understands and has very little desire to spend time with her dad.

I don't know what to say. You deserve a whole, wonderful life and I am so sorry that your insane ex is trying to stand in your way. I'm glad that you have a wonderful boyfriend, and I hope that slowly you can regain your freedom.

OP, you are making this very difficult for yourself. There is no need to talk to him. If you need to, send a text. It's a great way to have things in writing, with a date and time. If he decides to stop paying child support, which it comes out his paycheck automatically, great, he goes to jail. Your child is 12, she knows what's going on with you two and shouldn't be witnessing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I wish there was a way to talk some sense into him. There will be hell to pay for this.

No, someone needs to talk some sense into you...

Take your unhelpful advice somewhere else.

I'm not going to stop going to my child's sporting or scouting events. I can't just stop talking to him without bailing on my child.

I can switch phone plans. I'm not sure what else is workable.

People are giving you a lot of helpful advice. It's not what you want to hear, but it is helpful. If you want your ex to run your life, stop dating and let him control you. If not, grow a pair, set some healthy boundaries and stop whining.