Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The number is irrelevant.

Come on, even you must concede that at some number it becomes relevant. What if its 100? 500? Wilt Chamberlain-style 10,000?

The real issue seems to me that there are lots of women who told their DHs that the number is like, 6, when it is really like 26, and a vested interest here in justifying this behavior.

The research that I have read suggests that women with more partners are more likely to get divorced, and that there is essentially a dose-response relationship -- heh -- where this increases with increasing numbers. Assume with me for a moment that this is true, would partner count still be irrelevant?

This has already been discussed. Take your research to the other thread and carry on beating a dead horse over there.

Your "research" is boring us.

Anonymous wrote:

The number is irrelevant.

Come on, even you must concede that at some number it becomes relevant. What if its 100? 500? Wilt Chamberlain-style 10,000?

The real issue seems to me that there are lots of women who told their DHs that the number is like, 6, when it is really like 26, and a vested interest here in justifying this behavior.

The research that I have read suggests that women with more partners are more likely to get divorced, and that there is essentially a dose-response relationship -- heh -- where this increases with increasing numbers. Assume with me for a moment that this is true, would partner count still be irrelevant?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So strange these scenarios. I've been married since 1998 and my husband has never asked how many people I've slept with and I've never asked him. It's so irrelevant to us it just never comes up.

would it change your opinion of him if you found out he had sex with 35 different women over the course of 35 days?

sexual behavior is a character trait and should be disclosed in my opinion

I think I know his character quite well. I've been married for nearly 16 years. My opinion would not change, however I would think that would be pretty baller of him to be able to find a different woman each day to screw.

You are the kind of person who gets lied to. Just sayin'.

Anonymous wrote:As medical science is constantly evolving we are learning that some STD, like HSV2, can exist dormant in someone with no manifestation of an outbreak and then suddenly you start to show signs of infection. HSV2 is so rampant - something ~20% of the US adult population is infected, yet the majority y are even unaware they are infected.

So one's past sexual history can be an important point in a relationship because of serious health consequences.

HSV-2 is communicable by kissing. Are you going to interrogate someone about every person they ever kissed?

If it's that important, ask for a blood titer and be done with it.

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I have never asked for a number and I have never given one. DW was not a virgin when we met and it was clear when we first had sex that she had experience. I was not a virgin either and I knew some tricks too.

I can honestly tell you that I had no interesting in my DW's body count before me. First, I thought it was none of my business. Second, it was irrelevant.

Mark, is that you?

Anonymous wrote:As medical science is constantly evolving we are learning that some STD, like HSV2, can exist dormant in someone with no manifestation of an outbreak and then suddenly you start to show signs of infection. HSV2 is so rampant - something ~20% of the US adult population is infected, yet the majority y are even unaware they are infected.

So one's past sexual history can be an important point in a relationship because of serious health consequences.

Of course health history is important. No one's saying it isn't.

But someone's sexual history can be the same with 2 sexual partners, as with 20. I'd have much more respect for someone that engaged in safe sex with more partners, than someone who didn't take safe sex seriously with fewer partners.

The number is irrelevant.

As medical science is constantly evolving we are learning that some STD, like HSV2, can exist dormant in someone with no manifestation of an outbreak and then suddenly you start to show signs of infection. HSV2 is so rampant - something ~20% of the US adult population is infected, yet the majority y are even unaware they are infected.

So one's past sexual history can be an important point in a relationship because of serious health consequences.

I really don't understand why the number of past partners are in any way relevant. Something seems oddly controlling about having to know numbers or other details about someone's past.

Faithfulness going forward matters, and health history matters. Numbers are really irrelevant and don't tell you anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

Sex is a big part of marriage, and a person's past is relevant to how they approach it. And seriously, when evaluating whether or not you want to spend your life with someone, I'd consider pretty much anything my business, and I'd expect either an honest answer or a direct refusal to answer, not a lie. Why wouldn't you want to be open with your partner, anyway? I wouldn't feel any need to keep that a secret from my DW if she were interested. Just like any other issue, I don't feel any need to keep secrets from her.

Sorry. It's not all your business. No one ends to know everything about the person they are marrying. You're right--lying might not bet the best approach, but I don't think the question should even be asked. To me, that would be a red flag..

That sounds like your hangup rather than mine. Why is it so important to keep this one piece of information a secret? What other things are none of your spouse's business?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

All behavior about our partners is material. The fact you want to hide it is a red flag.

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband where you withhold information?

Another man here. So you are really interested in your wife's sex life 10 years before you met her? As a DH, I guess I would be concerned if I asked the question and was lied to. My hang-up is that I would never ask the question. My wife was not a virgin when we met and that kinda really all I needed to know on the subject.

Two things. One, extremely high partner count may suggest other issues. I'd want to know if the number was three digits. lol

Two, at least in my case, I asked these types of questions out of curiosity. If you are interested in someone, it seems natural to me to be curious about their life experiences of various sorts. Why is sex such a forbidden topic? It is a major part of life and an interesting topic. This kind of question is not always motivated by insecurity. In my own case, my DW had her share of experience, and I have no problem with that.

I don't think this is a big deal. As long as people remain faithful after a commitment, and you were honest about any STDs, then there's no issue.

People place way too much emphasis on the number of partners. It's quality, not quantity that matters!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

Sex is a big part of marriage, and a person's past is relevant to how they approach it. And seriously, when evaluating whether or not you want to spend your life with someone, I'd consider pretty much anything my business, and I'd expect either an honest answer or a direct refusal to answer, not a lie. Why wouldn't you want to be open with your partner, anyway? I wouldn't feel any need to keep that a secret from my DW if she were interested. Just like any other issue, I don't feel any need to keep secrets from her.

Sorry. It's not all your business. No one ends to know everything about the person they are marrying. You're right--lying might not bet the best approach, but I don't think the question should even be asked. To me, that would be a red flag..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

All behavior about our partners is material. The fact you want to hide it is a red flag.

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband where you withhold information?

I don't want to hide anything. I have nothing to hide. I am in my 40s and my husband and I have been together since we were 15. We are each other's only partners. So nice try there.

But let's say things are different...my husband would not need an accounting of names, numbers, and positions. If we have sex and are compatible, if we have sex and are willing to give and receive and share fantasies, then what business is it how many people I might have slept with? And for me to know about his past, as well.

All it is is score keeping. And since you, or another pp,I'm not sure now, were clear that it is important from a MALE perceptive, the only relevance I can see is you wanting to find out if your wife had more partners than you, or an unacceptable number that somehow moves her out of wife category into whore category. Note that I find this repulsive.

There is no good reason to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

Sex is a big part of marriage, and a person's past is relevant to how they approach it. And seriously, when evaluating whether or not you want to spend your life with someone, I'd consider pretty much anything my business, and I'd expect either an honest answer or a direct refusal to answer, not a lie. Why wouldn't you want to be open with your partner, anyway? I wouldn't feel any need to keep that a secret from my DW if she were interested. Just like any other issue, I don't feel any need to keep secrets from her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here: this is a tough issue. It is material information from a man's perspective, and as a result many women seem to choose to lie about it. Then, when the truth comes out, it creates problems that likely would not have existed if she had been honest in the first place. I have learned that my DW was less than truthful on this issue, and while I would not have cared at all had she been honest, it does make me wonder what else she chose to lie about.

Why is it "material from a man's perspective?" It's not really any of your business.

All behavior about our partners is material. The fact you want to hide it is a red flag.

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband where you withhold information?

Another man here. So you are really interested in your wife's sex life 10 years before you met her? As a DH, I guess I would be concerned if I asked the question and was lied to. My hang-up is that I would never ask the question. My wife was not a virgin when we met and that kinda really all I needed to know on the subject.