Anonymous
Post 01/10/2014 20:33     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:Op, what is your and your inlaws' ethnic/religious background?

I'm guessing you are Jewish (higher expectations when it comes to gifts and family interactions) and your inlaws are WASPs (lower maintenance/less guilt trips but downside is sometimes you don't get a gift or even phone call on your bday).

Basing this on my own family in law dynamics, maybe I'm wrong....


We are all Christians...Lutherans.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2014 02:36     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Op, what is your and your inlaws' ethnic/religious background?

I'm guessing you are Jewish (higher expectations when it comes to gifts and family interactions) and your inlaws are WASPs (lower maintenance/less guilt trips but downside is sometimes you don't get a gift or even phone call on your bday).

Basing this on my own family in law dynamics, maybe I'm wrong....
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2014 02:29     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
I would be annoyed. However, I would then think it is ridiculous that something that is optional and supposed to be from the heart is causing all this mini-drama. I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting she send me the gift directly and not via MIL. I would not feel comfortable speaking on behalf of MIL. I can only control my actions so in that vein I would either suggest stopping the gift exchange, especially if you are basically getting gift cards for the kids or shop off list and get what I think her kids would enjoy and ignore emails and wish lists. In fact, I think that is the part that would annoy me the most. Being so organized to send the kids list months in advance (unless you have hounded her for that in the past) and yet so lackadaisical with others.

I'm horrible remembering birthdays and I hate mailing packages. My mom will hold onto a gift till she sees you rather than mailing it so I come by it honestly. By the same token, I never send out wish lists for the kids unless someone asks me, I'm normally last minute sending out the wish list, and don't get worked up if gifts arrive late for my kids or if they don't get gifts at all from a relative I've given a gift, or if they get a gift not even on their radar.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 16:39     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Hey sis, why not just ship them right to us?"



I specifically asked this. My mother in law is 69 years old. She doesn't check a bag. Why the heck would she want to carry on the plane presents? It bothers me most of all because she asks her mother to do this. It isn't a drama thing. I can't understand when shipping is free why she wouldn't ship them here rather than ask someone to hand carry them?!?!
OP, I get where you're coming from here but you should just let go of it. Your MIL puts up with it. Maybe that's the way they do things in that family. I know you want to convince your SIL to change but you can't. Take a deep breath and just continue to do what you think is appropriate for her kids and assume that your efforts won't be reciprocated at the same level. I agree, it's annoying, but there is nothing you can do about it and you should just accept that.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 16:34     Subject: Re:Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
^^ It is also a big power trip for her "Mom, carry this to SIL on the plane with you. It will be so much easier!"
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 16:32     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:I suspect it's because she has the "one-click" option along with the Amazon Prime. When you one-click, it's a one-click, and the item goes to you immediately; it does not give you shipping options. Sounds kind of obvious but if you do it all the time, you forget when it comes to sending someone a gift.

You do have 30 minutes to fix it, but you'd have to realize you blew it within that time frame, and know you have 30 minutes to fix it, and cancel that order and start all over. So she probably didn't realize she blew it, or realized but didn't know she could fix it. The worst interpretation is she realized but decided "oh, well, I'll let the old lady take the present when she comes." Which is lame but not SO bad.

OP many many people are weird about gift-giving, and/or gift-getting, because it's some weird power thing. To accept a gift gracefully you have to be one-down, which, if you are irritated with a person, is hard to be. To give a gift you also have to risk being one-down because the receiver might not like your gift. So it involves a tacit trust on both sides. That's why it's so irritating to exchange gifts when you don't like or trust someone. Or to exchange gifts with someone who has issues on the trust front.

People do all sorts of things to be weird about gifts. They don't wrap--that's classic. They leave the price tag on. They make you come to their house to get it. It's all power dynamics.


Well put. It isn't the individual things your SIL does, it is something in the spirit of it/ your relationship to her. It sounds like you want her to be something she isn't -- namely a just in time present shipping auntie.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 15:43     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Let it go, op

Not a big deal

Sometimes people do things that don't make sense. My bf orders his gifts online, pays for amazon etc to wrap the gifts, has them shipped to himself, and then pays more to ship them to people. So yes, he pays for wrapping but for some reason does not have them shipped directly to the people. It is the biggest waste of money, but he refuses to change.



Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 15:07     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The fact that you think about birthday presents two months in advance if you happen to be visiting tells me that you think birthday presents for cousins are very important and that you enjoy and/or feel obligated to spend lots of time thinking about things like birthday presents for cousins. The fact that she rarely even buys a gift and doesn't feel that it's all that important to get them to you on time tells me she doesn't even want to do cousin gifts and wishes you would just stop, but feels obligated since you make such a big deal about it and spend the money every year.

I am like your sister-in-law, so I understand not wanting to do gifts with everyone - especially if you live out of state and don't even know the kids well enough to pick out something they would want (her asking you for suggestions makes me think she doesn't even know them well enough to know what to get). It seems like a silly exercise to me - tell me exactly what to buy and then I'll buy your kid something and you spend the exact same money to buy my kid something. And if you don't ask, you end up with something you don't want anyway.

I personally think the fact that you're thinking about this at all and that you know every little detail about it is just looking for drama. She doesn't think gifts are that important - she's doing it because she feels obligated because you're making way too big a deal out of it. If you want to continue giving her kids gifts, do so because you enjoy gifting. If you give gifts only with the expectation of having someone feel the same way about gifts that you do and thus return in kind, then do her a favor and agree to stop exchanging gifts.


I do them in advance because I do everything in advance. I'm a planner. I spend the money on the gift that SIL says her kids want. For example, she will say, "Nephew wants a $50 giftcard to GameStop and Niece wants a $50 gift card to Amazon." It is definitely not that SIL doesn't want gifts for her kids. Niece's bday will come in April. She told me at Xmas that niece will want a $50 giftcard to Barnes and Noble and "maybe a book so she has something to open." I would LOVE to not do gifts for everyone but since we do it and since I know well in advance what her kids want, I buy well in advance. Makes my life easier to get things checked off my list.


I'm the one you're responding to. You do sound a little defensive - you posted "would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous." I personally think you're being a bit ridiculous - as in, I'm not sure why you're spending even a minute thinking about this. I know you said that it's not that big of a deal to you, and I believe you that it's not, I just don't think it even needs to be on your radar. Accept the gifts as they come and if the whole thing bugs you too much to even deal with, talk to SIL about ending the gift exchange. Done. Are there other issues with your SIL dynamic that we don't know about?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 14:38     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Next time the topic comes up, or whenever you talk to her after your MIL visits, tell her to please ship them next time because it was difficult for MIL to carry them on the plane.

Or, start requesting $50 gift cards like she does. Then it's no problem for MIL to bring them.

I am terrible at remembering to buy and send gifts. You could tell her you want to stop with the gift giving.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 13:36     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not hugely annoyed but more frustrated annoyed. Put me in check if I'm in the wrong to be mildly miffed by this. Oldest child is turning 9 years old. Sister in law lives out of state. She has two kids, for whom we get generous presents (off their requested list of items) well in advance of the birthdays. If we are in town 2 months before the bdays, we buy and deliver then; if not, then we buy in advance and ship before bdays. She bought nothing for either of my kids until 2 years ago. Since then she has remembered oldest child's bday 2x (this year will be the third) and youngest child's once. For those combined 3 presents, she buys them off Amazon, ships them to herself and then waits until her mother comes to visit us to bring them (which is anywhere from imminently to 6 months later). The presents are never wrapped. For oldest child (turning 9) she asked what he wanted 3 weeks ago. I gave her two ideas, both $20 or less. (We spend $50 on her kids so I felt that $20 was a reasonable price range). She has Amazon prime so shipping was free. She emailed 2 days ago saying she bought my older child x-present and had it shipped to us. Then this morning she emails and says she bought them but went ahead and had them shipped to herself instead.

I'm a little annoyed since shipping is free and she isn't gift wrapping them anyway. Why wouldn't she mail the present right to us? Why did she say two days ago she had the gift shipped to us and then today said it was shipped to her? Mother in law won't be coming now until July 4th week. Why would she ask her mother in law to pack and carry presents with her from a birthday that was 7 months before...when no one wants to carry extra stuff on a plane? So I'm slightly annoyed...and can't understand her thinking. Trust me, this isn't eating me up - just wondering if I should be bothered in the least?


You seem to think this is a problem but it is not a problem.


Um, I asked if something would annoy others. I didn't ask if this was a "problem." I am a 46 year old woman - I know what a real problem is, but thanks.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 13:36     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:The fact that you think about birthday presents two months in advance if you happen to be visiting tells me that you think birthday presents for cousins are very important and that you enjoy and/or feel obligated to spend lots of time thinking about things like birthday presents for cousins. The fact that she rarely even buys a gift and doesn't feel that it's all that important to get them to you on time tells me she doesn't even want to do cousin gifts and wishes you would just stop, but feels obligated since you make such a big deal about it and spend the money every year.

I am like your sister-in-law, so I understand not wanting to do gifts with everyone - especially if you live out of state and don't even know the kids well enough to pick out something they would want (her asking you for suggestions makes me think she doesn't even know them well enough to know what to get). It seems like a silly exercise to me - tell me exactly what to buy and then I'll buy your kid something and you spend the exact same money to buy my kid something. And if you don't ask, you end up with something you don't want anyway.

I personally think the fact that you're thinking about this at all and that you know every little detail about it is just looking for drama. She doesn't think gifts are that important - she's doing it because she feels obligated because you're making way too big a deal out of it. If you want to continue giving her kids gifts, do so because you enjoy gifting. If you give gifts only with the expectation of having someone feel the same way about gifts that you do and thus return in kind, then do her a favor and agree to stop exchanging gifts.


I do them in advance because I do everything in advance. I'm a planner. I spend the money on the gift that SIL says her kids want. For example, she will say, "Nephew wants a $50 giftcard to GameStop and Niece wants a $50 gift card to Amazon." It is definitely not that SIL doesn't want gifts for her kids. Niece's bday will come in April. She told me at Xmas that niece will want a $50 giftcard to Barnes and Noble and "maybe a book so she has something to open." I would LOVE to not do gifts for everyone but since we do it and since I know well in advance what her kids want, I buy well in advance. Makes my life easier to get things checked off my list.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 10:45     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
The fact that you think about birthday presents two months in advance if you happen to be visiting tells me that you think birthday presents for cousins are very important and that you enjoy and/or feel obligated to spend lots of time thinking about things like birthday presents for cousins. The fact that she rarely even buys a gift and doesn't feel that it's all that important to get them to you on time tells me she doesn't even want to do cousin gifts and wishes you would just stop, but feels obligated since you make such a big deal about it and spend the money every year.

I am like your sister-in-law, so I understand not wanting to do gifts with everyone - especially if you live out of state and don't even know the kids well enough to pick out something they would want (her asking you for suggestions makes me think she doesn't even know them well enough to know what to get). It seems like a silly exercise to me - tell me exactly what to buy and then I'll buy your kid something and you spend the exact same money to buy my kid something. And if you don't ask, you end up with something you don't want anyway.

I personally think the fact that you're thinking about this at all and that you know every little detail about it is just looking for drama. She doesn't think gifts are that important - she's doing it because she feels obligated because you're making way too big a deal out of it. If you want to continue giving her kids gifts, do so because you enjoy gifting. If you give gifts only with the expectation of having someone feel the same way about gifts that you do and thus return in kind, then do her a favor and agree to stop exchanging gifts.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 10:23     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not hugely annoyed but more frustrated annoyed. Put me in check if I'm in the wrong to be mildly miffed by this. Oldest child is turning 9 years old. Sister in law lives out of state. She has two kids, for whom we get generous presents (off their requested list of items) well in advance of the birthdays. If we are in town 2 months before the bdays, we buy and deliver then; if not, then we buy in advance and ship before bdays. She bought nothing for either of my kids until 2 years ago. Since then she has remembered oldest child's bday 2x (this year will be the third) and youngest child's once. For those combined 3 presents, she buys them off Amazon, ships them to herself and then waits until her mother comes to visit us to bring them (which is anywhere from imminently to 6 months later). The presents are never wrapped. For oldest child (turning 9) she asked what he wanted 3 weeks ago. I gave her two ideas, both $20 or less. (We spend $50 on her kids so I felt that $20 was a reasonable price range). She has Amazon prime so shipping was free. She emailed 2 days ago saying she bought my older child x-present and had it shipped to us. Then this morning she emails and says she bought them but went ahead and had them shipped to herself instead.

I'm a little annoyed since shipping is free and she isn't gift wrapping them anyway. Why wouldn't she mail the present right to us? Why did she say two days ago she had the gift shipped to us and then today said it was shipped to her? Mother in law won't be coming now until July 4th week. Why would she ask her mother in law to pack and carry presents with her from a birthday that was 7 months before...when no one wants to carry extra stuff on a plane? So I'm slightly annoyed...and can't understand her thinking. Trust me, this isn't eating me up - just wondering if I should be bothered in the least?


You seem to think this is a problem but it is not a problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 09:49     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
I think 16:06 definitely got to the bottom of one part of the issue: Amazon 1 click. I have mailed so many gifts to myself instead of to the correct recipient by forgetting to change the shipping address. I don't mean to be a spaz, but I am.

Sounds like your SIL is just a little spazzy. Stop keeping score You sound like a ninny.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2014 09:42     Subject: Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?
Anonymous wrote:Based on what you wrote-you suck as a person.Big deal! What is this-tit for tat?
Luckily I have no friends like you.
You better have a good story about yourself to tell us.


Wow, you are an angry person who probably has the perfect life facade