Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your daughter needs help not punishment. She can take medical leave for a year, work, go to therapy WITH and without you regarding her father. Get her healthy first, school can wait.

Irresponsible behavior is not a medical issue.

I disagree. It can be a symptom of various mental health problems, which are medical issues.

Stop projecting. This is what is wrong with parenting today. Too many people think kids with problems means they have a medical issue. OP's DD is being irresponsible and not handling adulthood well, let's not have OP think that her DD has a medical issue.

It's not projecting, it's doing a world-view of a bad situation.

Eliminate or treat the possibility of a medical issue while addresses the behavior issues.

Bottom line this is an adult, you can't force her to do anything. All the more reason to do these gently. Otherwise you will have a kid on the street or with a man taking advantage of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your daughter needs help not punishment. She can take medical leave for a year, work, go to therapy WITH and without you regarding her father. Get her healthy first, school can wait.

Irresponsible behavior is not a medical issue.

I disagree. It can be a symptom of various mental health problems, which are medical issues.

But the daughter has ALWAYS been like this. It wasn't a sudden change.

Yes and how long exactly has her father been terminally ill?

Good for you - actually good for all three of you!! I believe you are correct to start with having her learn to handle small things on her own and having the threat of her being to lose something she values - her phone and connection to others directly related to what she does or does not do. For your information, she could easily make $12 - $15/hr doing sitting with services such as Care.com in your area - I know because I have two young adult daughters with young children who use sitters in your region.

Also, starting small on changes is probably wise because in a real sense you may not know and she may not know if all of the changes in her life including Dad's death even if not close, going away from home with all those aspects of living on one's own plus dealing with the academic rigor of college may well have set of an internal imbalance of some sort of depression or anxiety. If she does not turn around in her emotional outlook, do try to get her at least to see her PCP for a screening.

You seem realistic in that there will be ups and downs which is good. Our oldest daughter who was always a high performer pulled out in college two times and was ready to shove grad school after 3 years, but with the right therapy and meds, she did move on in each case AND she did find time at home the first time helped her get back on the right keel. For her mental health in terms of anxiety will always just be a fact of life, but she finished grad school, coped with cancer, married, had twin girls and maintains a full-time government job so there is hope - but there are dips at times. Hang in there.

I really appreciate it guys at the moment she is very upset with my laying down some rules and is not speaking to me but I feel good. I will be contacting the school tomorrow about our options. She has until February to find a job and begin paying her phone bill or the phone which is her prized possession goes first. I have all the suggestions and will slowly implement them and by summer it should be in full swing. I truly appreciate it! I am sure there will be snags but I am sticking to it and it feels good.

To follow-up on the suggestion that this scenario needs to change for the benefit of both you and your daughter,

- It does not matter if you have already paid for the spring semester as it has not started and you could contact the appropriate office - start with registrar to explain the situation and get the right forms to have your daughter withdraw. This will save you a boat load of money you worked hard for and WOULD BE THROWING DOWN AN EMPTY HOLE FOR HER.

- You are only giving her the opportunity to have more of a record of academic failure which will permanently be a part of her record as she turns things around. Cut her losses, too.

- The funds you receive back may well be better spent for possible counseling for you on how to deal with your daughter, for her if she needs it and would go career assessment, community college class, technical training, or as she turns things around assisting with buying a basic car or apartment deposit........ any and all of these things would be possible if not wasted on partying out of town at an expensive college for another few months.

- I can well understand that you probably just want her out of the house and out f your hair at times;BUT think of where you will be sending her to carefully and the bigger
mess which might have to be dealt with.

She really needs a good strong dose of "real life" with some clear guidelines set. You need a good strong dose of "Tough Love" to have the strength to give it to her.

"She passed one (freshman seminar), withdrew from one and failed the others".

She - therefore - must be on academic probation. She will have 1 semester to pull her grades up or the university (NOT YOU) will tell her she can not return to school. Again, let the-real-world decide these things. However, you can let her know now - if she is not at college enrolled in classes, she will need to support herself living on her own somewhere other than home.

OP have you considered therapy? For better or worse some people have manipulative personalities and that can be hard to escape, especially if they are our children.

I have an ADHD kid with anxiety, but have been an enabler far more than is healthy for her. It was her therapist who basically said you have to change if you want her to change. It is not an easy road, but you have to figure yourself out first. It is the oxygen mask on the airplane.

My sister has been failing to launch for the whole time, failing. Including community college. Biggest regret my family has is not subjecting her to tougher love. Make her pay rent and pull her out of school for failing + missing the aid.

I've got kids and a DH with ADHD/depression/anxiety and there's so much about your post that resonates with me. I know your DD had several workups that ruled them out but you might consider reading some of Patricia Quinn's books on Girls with ADHD http://www.addvance.com/ . ADHD can be manifest very differently in girls. Even if she doesn't have it, learning more about handling her behaviors (which are very typical in people with ADHD) can better equip you to make better decisions.

I would definitely keep her home spring semester. You don't have the income to indulge this behavior and you both need to have a clear understanding of what is expected. It's hard. Believe me, I know. But you're not doing you or your daughters any favors by continuing down the same path. Hugs.

My parents paid for me to go out of state at a state school, and paid for housing, food, and of course tuition the first year. I was never a good student, but I was a good worker, so I took on 3 part time jobs and became an RA for the free housing and food which showed my parents I was at least trying. My grades improved my sophomore year, probably because I was forced to grow up and juggle more. Looking back I am glad that I was expected to finish school and get a degree because without it where would I be now? Handing it all to me would have never been appreciated the way it was when I earned it.

Tell your daughter to do what the women on this forum do. Find and marry money, be a princess for life, write about hoping your husband dies.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she is depressed.

I agree. Her lack of motivation and attention to the important things like tuition money sounds like she is depressed. The problem is she is an adult and may not want to seek treatment and her parents cannot force this on her. I would talk to her and explain that if she doesn't get better grades (be specific about what is expected of her) this semester, that will be her last chance at her current school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your daughter needs help not punishment. She can take medical leave for a year, work, go to therapy WITH and without you regarding her father. Get her healthy first, school can wait.

Irresponsible behavior is not a medical issue.

I disagree. It can be a symptom of various mental health problems, which are medical issues.

Stop projecting. This is what is wrong with parenting today. Too many people think kids with problems means they have a medical issue. OP's DD is being irresponsible and not handling adulthood well, let's not have OP think that her DD has a medical issue.

I'm not projecting anything. You said categorically that it's not a medical issue. You have the narrow view. I just said it "can" be. Could be poor parenting, too. Could be a lot of things.

She sounds like she is depressed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your daughter needs help not punishment. She can take medical leave for a year, work, go to therapy WITH and without you regarding her father. Get her healthy first, school can wait.

Irresponsible behavior is not a medical issue.

I disagree. It can be a symptom of various mental health problems, which are medical issues.

Stop projecting. This is what is wrong with parenting today. Too many people think kids with problems means they have a medical issue. OP's DD is being irresponsible and not handling adulthood well, let's not have OP think that her DD has a medical issue.