Anonymous wrote:Gah! I love my husband - he is a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father. But he is SO fucking beta most of the time that it makes me want to scream. The more success I have in my career, the less patience I have for his status quo. He is moving up, but not as fast or as far as he could if he would stop being so GD self-deprecating and insecure all the effing time. I am not perfect in my career but I bust my ass, I'm creative, and most of all I'm confident. I think I've won jobs precisely because I'm confident and I know I inspire it in others. I just want him to be the same and stop the damned whining.

The upshot is that I have lost all sexual desire for him. I want a man who is an equal partner, comfortable folding laundry, doing dishes and handling childcare AND confident and successful in his career AND can sweep me off my feet and make love to me good and hard. It's just not happening. I look pretty good, take care of myself, and get noticed. I'm at the pont where my mind is starting to wander. I feel guilty about it but hell. . .a girl needs what a girl needs. I do NOT need a second baby to take care of.

Okay. Rant over. I know I'm not alone.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the truth is that you know you can do better than DH.
This happens with men when they trade up and get a trophy wife.

I think he is acting beta because he is not sure why you are so dissatisfied. He is trying to be sensitive.

My DH and I accept each other as we are (25 years of marriage) and that could be because we cannot trade up or down anymore. We do not have the opportunity, inclination, stamina or financial flexibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I like alpha males. I absolutely hate insecure emasculated men. They're worthless both in the boardroom and the bedroom. They might as well bend over and join the other team.

Is a wife's success "emasculating?" Seriously men, weigh in here. Why marry an intelligent, educated and accomplished woman if you are only going to act like babies when she does well, insisting that she's "emasculated" you? I don't get it.

I personally dont find it emasculating, but then again, I'm a leader in my field. It would be hard to make my work seem insignificant in comparison.

From what I have observed, its not the act of being successful that lesser men find emasculating, its the other attitudes that come with it. And I think the women themselves find themselves less interested in their men once the woman's success reaches greater highs.

Women want to mate with men equal or better. No momma every says to their daughter 'I Hope you find someone who is less educated and less successful than you!"

Women, even the educated working ones want to feel lead at times. When they feel like they are the "grown up" or the one doing the leading, everything breaks down.

OP back. I've been monitoring for an intelligent comment, so thank you. The bolded is SPOT ON. DH asks me to weigh in on every little decision. He's currently working from home, and while I appreciate on some level him calling to ask "do you want X or Y for dinner?" on some level I just want him to fucking choose. Surprise me. Ditto should we see move X at noon on Saturday or 2pm on Sunday? I DON'T CARE. Pick one and then call the sitter. Or just say, hey I plan to do X is your calendar clear? (Avoiding scheduling conflicts I would get. But if my assistant said should I schedule this meeting for you at noon or two my answer would be - if my calendar is clear, JUST DO IT.) Instead of asking my opinion on every career move, networking call, etc etc and regaling me with insecurities about how and why it won't work, just DO IT. Just have some confidence, gird your loins, and DO IT ALREADY!! I mean, I want to be consulted on the important shit. Buying a new car, house, choosing a school for our child - check. Other little crap? Just DO IT. Career move? DO IT. Then tell me all about how it went after.

Okay, you're a man, so tell me - please - how do I tell him this stuff without it coming across as offensive? The reality is that I have every confidence in the world in his ability to make good decisions, get shit done, and do it right. Why the hell doesn't he? He's intelligent or else I wouldn't have married him.

Was he like this when you met him?

I suggest you point him in the direction of this website/blog/book : Marriedmansexlife.com

That author espouses a very digestible model of captain/co-captain which encourages the man to be more of a leader within his own life and the relationship. His take is well informed and has generated a lot of positive results for couples.

Many men in this generation have been ground down over time into becoming sniveling betas worried about stepping on toes or being too forceful.

I think all but the softest attempts to convince him of his need to change would be met with resistance.

Its hard for me to relate because if I was screwing up I'd want her to say SACK UP and I would be reminded. But that doesn't happen to me.

Athol Kay, author of marriedmaxsexlife.com, knows how to get that message across.

and believe me, its not just about sex, its about how to be a Man in today's world and how to create a dynamic between husband/wife that is fulfilling to both.

Captain/co-captain

check it out

I have no affiliation with that site at all.

Amen! OP here, and thanks. I agree it's not easy for any of us. It's been a huge cultural shift in the past 50 years and women are reeling too. I have no role models for this life. And for the culture warriors on this thread, DH would be even MORE insecure if I quit my job to SAH. He's even said as much. "What if I lost my job, then?" It's a fair point. I've also generally been the one with the kick-ass retirement plan, so we are both counting on that. Our economy and our reality today is what it is. I feel like you either keep on pushing forward or you get left behind. And neither one of us wants to get left behind. We owe it our child not to get left behind.

I don't know. . .maybe it's not even DH so much as it is the cumulative effect of choosing to be married, dual career parents. It's a damned slog. Anything that can help us navigate it better will surely help so I will check it out.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don't think this is helpful for you to think about in terms of gender roles. Your DH is a person with certain qualities and habits; thinking about it in terms of what women want/what men want is really NOT useful. What really matters here is that you seem to have lost all compassion and good will towards your husband. Work on that in concrete ways - seeing it as "women want to be led" is neither true nor useful. I think most PEOPLE want to feel that their partnerships are productive and mutually satisfying and emotionally supportive.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don't think this is helpful for you to think about in terms of gender roles. Your DH is a person with certain qualities and habits; thinking about it in terms of what women want/what men want is really NOT useful. What really matters here is that you seem to have lost all compassion and good will towards your husband. Work on that in concrete ways - seeing it as "women want to be led" is neither true nor useful. I think most PEOPLE want to feel that their partnerships are productive and mutually satisfying and emotionally supportive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I like alpha males. I absolutely hate insecure emasculated men. They're worthless both in the boardroom and the bedroom. They might as well bend over and join the other team.

Is a wife's success "emasculating?" Seriously men, weigh in here. Why marry an intelligent, educated and accomplished woman if you are only going to act like babies when she does well, insisting that she's "emasculated" you? I don't get it.

I personally dont find it emasculating, but then again, I'm a leader in my field. It would be hard to make my work seem insignificant in comparison.

From what I have observed, its not the act of being successful that lesser men find emasculating, its the other attitudes that come with it. And I think the women themselves find themselves less interested in their men once the woman's success reaches greater highs.

Women want to mate with men equal or better. No momma every says to their daughter 'I Hope you find someone who is less educated and less successful than you!"

Women, even the educated working ones want to feel lead at times. When they feel like they are the "grown up" or the one doing the leading, everything breaks down.

OP back. I've been monitoring for an intelligent comment, so thank you. The bolded is SPOT ON. DH asks me to weigh in on every little decision. He's currently working from home, and while I appreciate on some level him calling to ask "do you want X or Y for dinner?" on some level I just want him to fucking choose. Surprise me. Ditto should we see move X at noon on Saturday or 2pm on Sunday? I DON'T CARE. Pick one and then call the sitter. Or just say, hey I plan to do X is your calendar clear? (Avoiding scheduling conflicts I would get. But if my assistant said should I schedule this meeting for you at noon or two my answer would be - if my calendar is clear, JUST DO IT.) Instead of asking my opinion on every career move, networking call, etc etc and regaling me with insecurities about how and why it won't work, just DO IT. Just have some confidence, gird your loins, and DO IT ALREADY!! I mean, I want to be consulted on the important shit. Buying a new car, house, choosing a school for our child - check. Other little crap? Just DO IT. Career move? DO IT. Then tell me all about how it went after.

Okay, you're a man, so tell me - please - how do I tell him this stuff without it coming across as offensive? The reality is that I have every confidence in the world in his ability to make good decisions, get shit done, and do it right. Why the hell doesn't he? He's intelligent or else I wouldn't have married him.

Was he like this when you met him?

I suggest you point him in the direction of this website/blog/book : Marriedmansexlife.com

That author espouses a very digestible model of captain/co-captain which encourages the man to be more of a leader within his own life and the relationship. His take is well informed and has generated a lot of positive results for couples.

Many men in this generation have been ground down over time into becoming sniveling betas worried about stepping on toes or being too forceful.

I think all but the softest attempts to convince him of his need to change would be met with resistance.

Its hard for me to relate because if I was screwing up I'd want her to say SACK UP and I would be reminded. But that doesn't happen to me.

Athol Kay, author of marriedmaxsexlife.com, knows how to get that message across.

and believe me, its not just about sex, its about how to be a Man in today's world and how to create a dynamic between husband/wife that is fulfilling to both.

Captain/co-captain

check it out

I have no affiliation with that site at all.

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound like a bad person, he doesn't sound like a bad person...but together, you sound like a horrible couple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I like alpha males. I absolutely hate insecure emasculated men. They're worthless both in the boardroom and the bedroom. They might as well bend over and join the other team.

Is a wife's success "emasculating?" Seriously men, weigh in here. Why marry an intelligent, educated and accomplished woman if you are only going to act like babies when she does well, insisting that she's "emasculated" you? I don't get it.

I personally dont find it emasculating, but then again, I'm a leader in my field. It would be hard to make my work seem insignificant in comparison.

From what I have observed, its not the act of being successful that lesser men find emasculating, its the other attitudes that come with it. And I think the women themselves find themselves less interested in their men once the woman's success reaches greater highs.

Women want to mate with men equal or better. No momma every says to their daughter 'I Hope you find someone who is less educated and less successful than you!"

Women, even the educated working ones want to feel lead at times. When they feel like they are the "grown up" or the one doing the leading, everything breaks down.

OP back. I've been monitoring for an intelligent comment, so thank you. The bolded is SPOT ON. DH asks me to weigh in on every little decision. He's currently working from home, and while I appreciate on some level him calling to ask "do you want X or Y for dinner?" on some level I just want him to fucking choose. Surprise me. Ditto should we see move X at noon on Saturday or 2pm on Sunday? I DON'T CARE. Pick one and then call the sitter. Or just say, hey I plan to do X is your calendar clear? (Avoiding scheduling conflicts I would get. But if my assistant said should I schedule this meeting for you at noon or two my answer would be - if my calendar is clear, JUST DO IT.) Instead of asking my opinion on every career move, networking call, etc etc and regaling me with insecurities about how and why it won't work, just DO IT. Just have some confidence, gird your loins, and DO IT ALREADY!! I mean, I want to be consulted on the important shit. Buying a new car, house, choosing a school for our child - check. Other little crap? Just DO IT. Career move? DO IT. Then tell me all about how it went after.

Okay, you're a man, so tell me - please - how do I tell him this stuff without it coming across as offensive? The reality is that I have every confidence in the world in his ability to make good decisions, get shit done, and do it right. Why the hell doesn't he? He's intelligent or else I wouldn't have married him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"we never could have afforded to have kids unless I worked"

and maintain the lifestyle you wanted you mean?

basically, when women say this, unless you're telling me he makes like $25,000, you're basically saying that you have chosen luxury items and cash over spending more time with your kids.

Um, no. When we had our child DH was making $65K and we lived in DC. Yes, I suppose we could have lived in a one-bedroom shit hole somewhere but yeah, I didn't bust my ass getting two degrees to basically live no better than I did growing up. And my mother didn't kill herself raising me for me to live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck either. Check your fucking lifestyle judgment bullshit at the door. If you think struggling is glamorous, go for it. I don't live some fancy lifestyle, but I'm not going to live like I'm 25 forever with no savings, no retirement funds, etc etc. So bite me.

you don't have to live in DC, btw. $65,000 is more than plenty to live in the far suburbs and provide. You could work part time and supplement.
You got your two degrees, amazing job btw!, so you could work hard and be an achiever. Good for you. But you should have realized that when you did that your $65k man would look like a schlub to you afterwards.

Moms should teach their daughters that the pussy dries up when you think you're above your man.

which includes being able to boss him into moving where you want.

Look, if you think, as OP said, life is just all about "providing," then as she said go for it. There's a reason we push education and achievement in this country - because strong, thriving economies are dependent on it. Mediocrity and "providing" doesn't build a strong country. Just ask the communists. But don't give OP shit for doing well for herself. Her husband could be adding to his education and getting ahead at work. It even sounds like he wants to, but maybe doesn't know how.

you know what you said can be translated into : "our economy depends on people being slaves to mortgages, student loans and trapped in their jobs so they keep spending and being good little consumers addicted to 'luxury' items"

who wants to be a slave?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I like alpha males. I absolutely hate insecure emasculated men. They're worthless both in the boardroom and the bedroom. They might as well bend over and join the other team.

Is a wife's success "emasculating?" Seriously men, weigh in here. Why marry an intelligent, educated and accomplished woman if you are only going to act like babies when she does well, insisting that she's "emasculated" you? I don't get it.

I personally dont find it emasculating, but then again, I'm a leader in my field. It would be hard to make my work seem insignificant in comparison.

From what I have observed, its not the act of being successful that lesser men find emasculating, its the other attitudes that come with it. And I think the women themselves find themselves less interested in their men once the woman's success reaches greater highs.

Women want to mate with men equal or better. No momma every says to their daughter 'I Hope you find someone who is less educated and less successful than you!"

Women, even the educated working ones want to feel lead at times. When they feel like they are the "grown up" or the one doing the leading, everything breaks down.