NP here.

OP--it's about respect. You want them to respect your boundaries, your family rules, how you care for your child, your schedules, etc. And, yet, you won't give them the respect to fulfill one important desire for them. They have been attending their church for a long time, have seen other families have children and grandchildren, come and introduce them at church, show them off and they would like to do the same. They want one evening at church with their grandchild to show their family pride to their community. They are not asking you to convert, they are not trying to introduce religion to your child (she won't understand), but they are trying to be a part of their community and show off their child. Yes, it would be nice to be able to show up at the beginning or end for just the social aspects, but that gives short shrift to the church service which means a lot to them. Having their family including son and grandchild, and preferably daughter-in-law (but that's less important) with them means that they are sharing and important event with their community and including their family as a part of it. I'm not religious, but I know from my various friends of several religions that the inclusiveness of having your family at special high holiday events is important, even if the family does not participate in the day-to-day religious practices. So, having family for Christmas Mass, Easter Mass, Passover Seder, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur Breakfast, Eid Breaking of the Fast, Chinese New Year festivals, and many other such events is a very important part of these communities.

Show them respect by allowing them or your husband to bring the child for the full service for them so that they'll give you respect for things that are important to you in return. If you don't, then you should have no complaint when they likewise do not respect what's important to you later. That old Golden Rule thing.

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at things in a different light.

You might feel you are being gracious by offering to come hang out before or after the service so that they can introduce your child to their church family.

But based off common ettiquit surrounding Christmas Mass or Protestant services, that behavior would be considered very weird and unusual, and would likely feel to your inlaws feel like they were drawing unnecessary and conspicuous attention to themselves (I know, a big contradiction considering that attention is why they want thier grandchild there in the first place.)

No one, and I mean no one, just shows up before or after and leaves. That would be very strange and you would be better not going at all.

We do not have family around, so we are always on our own at Christmas. But we do attend church regularly. At Christmas mass, the pews aee filled with families. We see all the regulars, who are usually on their own, sitting in a pew filled from end to end, with their teens and college kids who come from this one day each year, older married kids and the inlaws (often not practicing or Christian as they usually just sit politely instead of participating, knealing, etc.) And grandkids, some familiar with Mass, most not, and some too little to care.

All of these old folks who are usually alone each week are just beaming with pride at having their family with them that day.

It is not about converting or imposing beliefs on unwilling dils, it is about having thier lived ones together with them in a place that is so important to them.

Attendance of your daughter is a wonderful gift you can give your inlaws, even if you stay home and your husband goes.

Some day 20+years down the road, you might be the one where everything important to you is being rejected by the baby you are holding now. Teaching her from the beginning to respect family traditions is a wonderful lesson you can give her now that will pay off dividends to you decades in the future.

My husband is an atheist, and he goes to Christmas services with his parents every year without complaint, because he knows how much it means to his mother. It really is a gift he gives her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do Mass, so there is not a lot of socializing surrounding the Christmas Eve and Christmas services. However, with many of our Protestant friends, there is a big social component to the Christmas Eve service. This is a chance for your in-laws to introduce their beautiful grand baby to all their church friends. They think she is the most perfect, beautiful creature in the world and they want all their friends to know that all the bragging they have been doing the past 6 months is spot on

They aren't trying to convert her, or override your religious beliefs, they literally want to "show her off".

I would let your husband take her, and walk around the vestibule if she won't be quiet for the service. There will likely be a lot of music, which she might actually enjoy. Give her a chance to surprise you, and be grateful that they think this child is even more amazing than even you and your husband do.

I'm curious what you mean by this. I'm protestant, but I used to work in a group home with several Catholic residents so I've attended a lot of Catholic services, and the socialization seemed very similar on a regular Sunday.

I would imagine that the social aspects of a Christmas service would be the same. You get there early because the seats fill up, and talk with the people around you. You see someone across the church, and ask your neighbor or husband to save a seat, while you take the baby over, show her off a little, ooh and ahh over their toddler (again, there's plenty of time because you got there 30 minutes early to get a seat), or one parent takes the kids to the church hall to play before the music starts, and you have a chance to see all the other parents of little kids doing the same thing. After the service, you stand around for a few minutes, and hug your friends, wish them a Merry Christmas, ask the little ones if they're excited about Santa, tell the middle sized ones they sung beautifully in the choir, or they made lovely shepherds in the nativity scene.

And then you go home.

Wouldn't a Catholic service be similar?

Do those

No. Before a Catholic Mass parishoners are not supposed to talk or visit.

The standard practice when you enter the church is to cross yourself, go quietly to your seat, kneal in prayer or sit in quiet reflection.

It would be considered very improper to walk around or visit inside the church before Mass, even at Crhistmas Mass.

Once you walk in and cross yourself, the prayer time begins.

Cradle Catholic here, and all I can say is hahahahahahahaha. Especially at the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is called a Christmas Eve service. It is very very normal for parents and grandparents to take kids and grandkids to this. It is very normal they would want their out of town friends to meet their grand baby. You should go. If you don't want to go to services, at least show up when they are over for the socializing afterwards.

OP here, yes we are totally willing to take her before or after to show her off, just not to the actual service. That's why I don't get why they insist on us going to the service.

I think this sounds like an ok solution. Ask them when the church is more social, before or after.

And can I suggest, do you think you could get away with dh taking him without you? That way you could stay at home and relax for an hour or so!

Btw, we are southern Protestant and my brother married someone who is Jewish and she had the same rxn. My parents are not very high maintenance and don't like to create waves so we just went with it but they were sad they didn't get to show off my nephew. This is a pretty normal thing to do at Xmas eve so I'd just go with it. Now she lets the boys go tho she doesn't like it but she stays home like I suggested and I think she enjoys the break.

Because, on some level, it would embarrass them in front of their super religious friends that their son and daughter in law don't want to attend Christmas service. That, and they probably want to share their faith with their new grand baby.

I'm not saying I agree with their motives, but I think that's what's a play here. I grew up in a super Catholic family and I am in no way religious. I have a great relationship with my parents, but I think they're kind of ashamed of the fact that my kids aren't baptized, etc.

Not for Christmas services. That is about family traditions and family being together, not about converting grandkids and unwilling DILs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is called a Christmas Eve service. It is very very normal for parents and grandparents to take kids and grandkids to this. It is very normal they would want their out of town friends to meet their grand baby. You should go. If you don't want to go to services, at least show up when they are over for the socializing afterwards.

OP here, yes we are totally willing to take her before or after to show her off, just not to the actual service. That's why I don't get why they insist on us going to the service.

I think this sounds like an ok solution. Ask them when the church is more social, before or after.

And can I suggest, do you think you could get away with dh taking him without you? That way you could stay at home and relax for an hour or so!

Btw, we are southern Protestant and my brother married someone who is Jewish and she had the same rxn. My parents are not very high maintenance and don't like to create waves so we just went with it but they were sad they didn't get to show off my nephew. This is a pretty normal thing to do at Xmas eve so I'd just go with it. Now she lets the boys go tho she doesn't like it but she stays home like I suggested and I think she enjoys the break.

Because, on some level, it would embarrass them in front of their super religious friends that their son and daughter in law don't want to attend Christmas service. That, and they probably want to share their faith with their new grand baby.

I'm not saying I agree with their motives, but I think that's what's a play here. I grew up in a super Catholic family and I am in no way religious. I have a great relationship with my parents, but I think they're kind of ashamed of the fact that my kids aren't baptized, etc.

As someone who takes their kids to church every week, taking a 6 month old is a breeze. She is only six months and it is only one baby!!!!! She is not a rambuctious two your old who can;t sit still. No cheerios, coloring books or matchbox cars dropping on the floor. She will likely be in the infant carrier or held by your ILs the whole time. Please, this is an hour of your life. Even if you are not Christian, think of the joy this one hour of your life will give your mother-in-law.

OP, look at things in a different light.

You might feel you are being gracious by offering to come hang out before or after the service so that they can introduce your child to their church family.

But based off common ettiquit surrounding Christmas Mass or Protestant services, that behavior would be considered very weird and unusual, and would likely feel to your inlaws feel like they were drawing unnecessary and conspicuous attention to themselves (I know, a big contradiction considering that attention is why they want thier grandchild there in the first place.)

No one, and I mean no one, just shows up before or after and leaves. That would be very strange and you would be better not going at all.

We do not have family around, so we are always on our own at Christmas. But we do attend church regularly. At Christmas mass, the pews aee filled with families. We see all the regulars, who are usually on their own, sitting in a pew filled from end to end, with their teens and college kids who come from this one day each year, older married kids and the inlaws (often not practicing or Christian as they usually just sit politely instead of participating, knealing, etc.) And grandkids, some familiar with Mass, most not, and some too little to care.

All of these old folks who are usually alone each week are just beaming with pride at having their family with them that day.

It is not about converting or imposing beliefs on unwilling dils, it is about having thier lived ones together with them in a place that is so important to them.

Attendance of your daughter is a wonderful gift you can give your inlaws, even if you stay home and your husband goes.

Some day 20+years down the road, you might be the one where everything important to you is being rejected by the baby you are holding now. Teaching her from the beginning to respect family traditions is a wonderful lesson you can give her now that will pay off dividends to you decades in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it's pretty obvious that 95% of the people posting here read only the headline and not the actual post. Let me clarify.

DH and I have offered to take the baby to church before or after the service to show her off/socialize with my IL's friends. We told them this - we said we'd go before or after, whatever they prefer. But they are insisting we go to the actual service. We understand that they want to show her off and we're fine with that, we like showing her off, too! I just don't get why if we're willing to take her to show her off before or after (their choice), they still insist that we go to the actual service? What's the point of that? It's not like people are going to be looking at/playing with/talking to the baby at mass.

They want you to go to the service because it's rude to show up say hello and then leave without cause. I'm sure you can grasp how judgmental it comes across, to not stay for the service. It's the same as telling a friend you will only go to their wedding reception but not service because it takes place in a church / temple. It's ok not to share your inlaws religious beliefs - they aren't trying to convert you! Babies cry no big deal, if she becomes fussy you then leave not before hand.

Why does OP and the baby have to sit through the entire Mass? The baby and OP will probably spend most of the time in the cry room anyway. OP and her DH can take the baby to show her off after the Mass.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it's pretty obvious that 95% of the people posting here read only the headline and not the actual post. Let me clarify.

DH and I have offered to take the baby to church before or after the service to show her off/socialize with my IL's friends. We told them this - we said we'd go before or after, whatever they prefer. But they are insisting we go to the actual service. We understand that they want to show her off and we're fine with that, we like showing her off, too! I just don't get why if we're willing to take her to show her off before or after (their choice), they still insist that we go to the actual service? What's the point of that? It's not like people are going to be looking at/playing with/talking to the baby at mass.

They want you to go to the service because it's rude to show up say hello and then leave without cause. I'm sure you can grasp how judgmental it comes across, to not stay for the service. It's the same as telling a friend you will only go to their wedding reception but not service because it takes place in a church / temple. It's ok not to share your inlaws religious beliefs - they aren't trying to convert you! Babies cry no big deal, if she becomes fussy you then leave not before hand.

Why don't you suggest the inlaws take your baby to church with them (and you stay home and get some "alone time")?

Also, catbolic Christmas Mass is just that, Mass.

It is the same Mass you go to every day of the week.

There will be Christmas songs and readi gs, but the structure is identical to every other Mass given throughout the year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do Mass, so there is not a lot of socializing surrounding the Christmas Eve and Christmas services. However, with many of our Protestant friends, there is a big social component to the Christmas Eve service. This is a chance for your in-laws to introduce their beautiful grand baby to all their church friends. They think she is the most perfect, beautiful creature in the world and they want all their friends to know that all the bragging they have been doing the past 6 months is spot on

They aren't trying to convert her, or override your religious beliefs, they literally want to "show her off".

I would let your husband take her, and walk around the vestibule if she won't be quiet for the service. There will likely be a lot of music, which she might actually enjoy. Give her a chance to surprise you, and be grateful that they think this child is even more amazing than even you and your husband do.

I'm curious what you mean by this. I'm protestant, but I used to work in a group home with several Catholic residents so I've attended a lot of Catholic services, and the socialization seemed very similar on a regular Sunday.

I would imagine that the social aspects of a Christmas service would be the same. You get there early because the seats fill up, and talk with the people around you. You see someone across the church, and ask your neighbor or husband to save a seat, while you take the baby over, show her off a little, ooh and ahh over their toddler (again, there's plenty of time because you got there 30 minutes early to get a seat), or one parent takes the kids to the church hall to play before the music starts, and you have a chance to see all the other parents of little kids doing the same thing. After the service, you stand around for a few minutes, and hug your friends, wish them a Merry Christmas, ask the little ones if they're excited about Santa, tell the middle sized ones they sung beautifully in the choir, or they made lovely shepherds in the nativity scene.

And then you go home.

Wouldn't a Catholic service be similar?

Do those

No. Before a Catholic Mass parishoners are not supposed to talk or visit.

The standard practice when you enter the church is to cross yourself, go quietly to your seat, kneal in prayer or sit in quiet reflection.

It would be considered very improper to walk around or visit inside the church before Mass, even at Crhistmas Mass.

Once you walk in and cross yourself, the prayer time begins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the responses. OP - do what works for your family.

You mean what works for OP and ignore the other members of the family?

I mean what works for her immediate family - her, her husband, and their child.

Don't you think that is a little small minded and short sighted though? For grandparents, these types of wounds last and it will impact the relationship. This is an expression of kindness to the Gramps. OP and her Dh better tread carefully or she will be here in a couple years telling us how the grandparents do not seem to want to be involved.

It is a positive that the grandparents love the baby and want to "show her off." Neither OP or her DH KNOW whether DD will make it through the service. And if she doesn't....so what? We always took our kids to Christmas Eve service and I thought it was a hoot to see all the kids there. I get that new parents are control freaks, but you have to let the Gramps have their moment also.

Really? Because it sounds really selfish of the grandparents to me.

I think that you and I have different definitions for the word "selfish."

Anonymous wrote:We do Mass, so there is not a lot of socializing surrounding the Christmas Eve and Christmas services. However, with many of our Protestant friends, there is a big social component to the Christmas Eve service. This is a chance for your in-laws to introduce their beautiful grand baby to all their church friends. They think she is the most perfect, beautiful creature in the world and they want all their friends to know that all the bragging they have been doing the past 6 months is spot on

They aren't trying to convert her, or override your religious beliefs, they literally want to "show her off".

I would let your husband take her, and walk around the vestibule if she won't be quiet for the service. There will likely be a lot of music, which she might actually enjoy. Give her a chance to surprise you, and be grateful that they think this child is even more amazing than even you and your husband do.

I'm curious what you mean by this. I'm protestant, but I used to work in a group home with several Catholic residents so I've attended a lot of Catholic services, and the socialization seemed very similar on a regular Sunday.

I would imagine that the social aspects of a Christmas service would be the same. You get there early because the seats fill up, and talk with the people around you. You see someone across the church, and ask your neighbor or husband to save a seat, while you take the baby over, show her off a little, ooh and ahh over their toddler (again, there's plenty of time because you got there 30 minutes early to get a seat), or one parent takes the kids to the church hall to play before the music starts, and you have a chance to see all the other parents of little kids doing the same thing. After the service, you stand around for a few minutes, and hug your friends, wish them a Merry Christmas, ask the little ones if they're excited about Santa, tell the middle sized ones they sung beautifully in the choir, or they made lovely shepherds in the nativity scene.

And then you go home.

Wouldn't a Catholic service be similar?

Do those

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you want but I think you're harping in the phrase "have to." It's not a command, it's a "oh you just HAVE to."

No, it was a command.