Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole 4 pages. I'm not married to a Military Officer but my husband's career has a very similar chain of command. He also wears a uniform. Here is what I have learned about my husband that *may* help you with your man.

1) Non PC jokes: Your boyfriend is MALE. Many men joke and their choice of jokes aren't always PC. That's nothing your going to change. These jokes and the humor probably comes from hanging around mostly male units during deployment/working with mostly men.

My husband has a derogatory sense of humor with his friends. He doesn't bring it home much, if not at all, anymore since I put my foot down on that. I wasn't harsh, I just explained that being a woman, I don't think the stuff that men laugh about is funny. Just as he thinks the stuff me and women talk about is pointless and boring.

2) Cocky: My husband wears a uniform. He's seen, be involved in, taken care of, risked his life-- and the list goes on. Sometimes I think pride is considered cocky. However, I am sure he couldn't be 2 inches tall and do his job. Think about the experience he's had with the military and the amount of education, hard work and promotion it has taken to get him there. How old is he? My husband is in his 30s and I have been told that this age people in his career are still "crazy" about their jobs. Might be something to think about...

3) Lack of Empathy/Emotions: You need to think about the training that he's had for him to preform the job that he does day in and day out. My husband has been trained to think and react in certain ways. He is a 100% no drama person, hardly cracks a smile or sheds a tear. However, he couldn't be an emotional mess and do his job. If he's deployed and seen people blown up, his friends shot and killed then he has seen real, scary things happen. You can't function in that type of environment with emotion.

Instead of focusing on his lack of emotion, try and understand WHY he is that way. You won't be able to understand the impact these situations have had on him unless you walk in those boots yourself. As a wife of a man in a similar setting as your boyfriend, I have learned to do the following:

I spell out exactly how I am feeling and what I need from DH. This way, he has been told what to do and can let down that wall that he has up 99% of the time.

I don't talk work. I understand that as much as his job effects our family life and marriage that it won't change unless he changes careers. And, this is what he wants to do. Living with someone who is prideful, confident and strong isn't a bad thing. I just don't bring up things I don't understand. That lets him get away from work too.

I have a support system of women married to men in the same career. This is huge! If you see this relationship working out for the long haul, I suggest you surround yourself with women who understand the difficulties.

If the OP moves forward with this man this is going to be an important element to a successful relationship. To some degree you will all feel you married the same men. I have friends outside my husband career field, but I only discuss relationship issues with women whose husband are in the same field as mine.

9:02, 11:25 & 3:37 - NP here. I *really* appreciate your honest input. I married into a military family. It is extremely difficult, knowing nothing about the military, as they are not forthcoming (as you know). Your posts have helped me more in 20 years than anything. I am so very extremely appreciative of your posts, seriously. It is just what I needed.

OP, you are smart to seek wisdom now. You have gotten some amazing advice here and I hope people continue to reach out to you. I have not had that benefit, and it makes for extremely tough terrain. Feeling closed off is no fun and is no life.

I am married to a navy officer. I really don't think you can generalize about men in the military. You are going to find all types.

Anonymous wrote:The best sex I ever had was with jerks.

Yes! Me too! Arrogant jerks!

Haven't read the whole 4 pages. I'm not married to a Military Officer but my husband's career has a very similar chain of command. He also wears a uniform. Here is what I have learned about my husband that *may* help you with your man.

1) Non PC jokes: Your boyfriend is MALE. Many men joke and their choice of jokes aren't always PC. That's nothing your going to change. These jokes and the humor probably comes from hanging around mostly male units during deployment/working with mostly men.

My husband has a derogatory sense of humor with his friends. He doesn't bring it home much, if not at all, anymore since I put my foot down on that. I wasn't harsh, I just explained that being a woman, I don't think the stuff that men laugh about is funny. Just as he thinks the stuff me and women talk about is pointless and boring.

2) Cocky: My husband wears a uniform. He's seen, be involved in, taken care of, risked his life-- and the list goes on. Sometimes I think pride is considered cocky. However, I am sure he couldn't be 2 inches tall and do his job. Think about the experience he's had with the military and the amount of education, hard work and promotion it has taken to get him there. How old is he? My husband is in his 30s and I have been told that this age people in his career are still "crazy" about their jobs. Might be something to think about...

3) Lack of Empathy/Emotions: You need to think about the training that he's had for him to preform the job that he does day in and day out. My husband has been trained to think and react in certain ways. He is a 100% no drama person, hardly cracks a smile or sheds a tear. However, he couldn't be an emotional mess and do his job. If he's deployed and seen people blown up, his friends shot and killed then he has seen real, scary things happen. You can't function in that type of environment with emotion.

Instead of focusing on his lack of emotion, try and understand WHY he is that way. You won't be able to understand the impact these situations have had on him unless you walk in those boots yourself. As a wife of a man in a similar setting as your boyfriend, I have learned to do the following:

I spell out exactly how I am feeling and what I need from DH. This way, he has been told what to do and can let down that wall that he has up 99% of the time.

I don't talk work. I understand that as much as his job effects our family life and marriage that it won't change unless he changes careers. And, this is what he wants to do. Living with someone who is prideful, confident and strong isn't a bad thing. I just don't bring up things I don't understand. That lets him get away from work too.

I have a support system of women married to men in the same career. This is huge! If you see this relationship working out for the long haul, I suggest you surround yourself with women who understand the difficulties.

Uniform looks good, so does being at sea or deployed or whatever, so you can play all day haha.

Don't deny it the 757 is full of those women.

Officer groupies tend to be better looking at least

Some women like any guy in a uniform. I don't. This guy sounds like a jerk OP. Other than the sex you mention .... what else is he good for?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just started dating an army officer-turned-law-student and not sure what to make of things. He's definitely very different from all my civilian boyfriends, so I wanted to get some anonymous opinions. He's an officer so he's not your typical dumb meathead blue collar guy out of high school or something - went to an excellent university for undergrad, comes from money, very smart and funny and intelligent. But he's impossible to read. Sometimes he's sweet and gallant, other times he's a jerk. He doesn't really seem to have any feelings, or maybe he's just ridiculously thick-skinned and is programmed not to have feelings. He's also the cockiest guy I've ever dated and it's such a headache. I'd stop dating him if I didn't see that he's genuinely a good-hearted guy underneath it all (and the fact that he's good in bed is a plus).

Are all army officers cocky? What should I know about military culture in order to understand him better? Just trying to put his behavior and personality in context.

You come across like and airhead. Shut up and try to look pretty

Douche.

I think it really depends on the person. I am married to a civilian formerly an active officer. He does not fit any of the "military" stereotypes. If he had, we never would have been dating.

Anonymous wrote:I've actually dated both Army and Navy officers, and while there is a certain level of cockiness that seems to come with the territory, they are not all alike--I've dated officers who were sensitive and sweet, who had very deep friendships with others, and who were generally laid-back guys when they weren't on the job. The Navy pilot I dated--funny, romantic, but definitely full of himself, lots of swagger, and serious issues dealing with emotions in a healthy way. So whatever issues you are having with this guy, are issues with this guy. Don't ignore them or write them off as coming with the territory.

As an officer's wife I will say this, while it is true you cannot generalize any aspect of an officers behavior, but there are commonalities. They tend to be very good at compartmentalizing. It also takes a certain characteristic to be married to one of them. Being there wives is not for everyone. Their good characteristic are very good and so are the bad ones. The decision is up to OP. I just want her to go into this with her eyes open - are the goods in the relationship good enough for you and will you be able to overlook the bad or at least work with them. That is essentially what she needs to decide. Yes they do have a lot of swagger, but that's because they can do things and the know it. On a primitive level, the OP should be aware, the urge to procreate with an alpha masculine men who can sex her up well is an overwhelming one. And no wonder the OP is asking for help - the guy is well read, has swagger and can screw her well, and now she has to decide if she can live with his unflattering parts. That is a decision only the OP can know, and she is not going to figure this out by filtering the guy through our current society ideal. Life ain't that simple. OP you've got some thinking to do..?

I've actually dated both Army and Navy officers, and while there is a certain level of cockiness that seems to come with the territory, they are not all alike--I've dated officers who were sensitive and sweet, who had very deep friendships with others, and who were generally laid-back guys when they weren't on the job. The Navy pilot I dated--funny, romantic, but definitely full of himself, lots of swagger, and serious issues dealing with emotions in a healthy way. So whatever issues you are having with this guy, are issues with this guy. Don't ignore them or write them off as coming with the territory.

Anonymous wrote:Best.sex.ever

Yep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say he can be a "jerk", what do you mean, exactly? That's can't be excused away, period.

Not in a disrespectful-towards-women way or anything. Just sort of argumentative, brash, condescending in an argument, hits below the belt in an argument occasionally, etc. And very arrogant, though I think that is a way of covering up his insecurities. I just have never met a guy with this combination of traits (mentioned just now) + the cockiness and impatience with feelings and stuff that he seems to show.

What you describe here would be a deal-breaker for me. I am in a marriage for the long haul. That will include the good and the bad. You don't want a guy that starts off like this. Wow. Arrogant? Hits below the belt? condescending? Geez, and you are only just started dating? No go. I would end up divorced so fast from a guy like this. Red flags all around. Marriage requires compromise, humbling yourself and deep trust. Nothing you have said foster this type of relationship. Think a lot a about moving forward with him.

I have now been married 10 years and a TON of my friends who got married around my time are getting divorces now and telling me all sorts of how they say the "signs" their SO were jerks all along, but chose to ignore them. How their guys were mean or insensitive all along, but they were ga-ga for them (jobs, prestige, money, just not wanting to be single any longer), and got married. Recipe for divorce.

Heed your sixth sense. Listen to the little voice in your head/gut. Run if if tells you to run.

Agree with this, OP. Military has nothing to do with it. These characteristics will not wear well over the long haul. If you hit any major bumps in the relationship-- and everyone does at some point-- the damage will be hard to repair. And extricating yourself from a relationship with someone like this will be ugly.

The best sex I ever had was with jerks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know OP, I am married to an officer too. My guy have some of the same characteristics you mentioned. He is very smart - an engineer, speaks 3 languages, well traveled, decisive, loyal, ethical, honest, hardworking. He will work day and night nonstop without ever complaining. But, he is not emotional. Like every other human in the planet, he has insecurities too, but after 20 years I have never been able to pin point any of his weaknesses. You just can't get to him. Of course I could mess with his head if I wanted to by crossing certain lines but I also know he wouldn't suffer fools lightly. He said he loves me but forget many birthdays and anniversaries but never forget the kids. He is most vulnerable with his children although by not much. He has been deployed many, many times in horrible locations and living conditions, but he will not complain when he communicate with you. I often said to myself if ever captured, he could survive many years without his captors ever breaking him, or he would rather die than to give in or sure weaknesses. I don't know if that is part of his personality or if the military training made him this way or a combination.


Anyway, to answer your question, yes, of course your guy has insecurities, just like any other human being, but you may never pin down his weaknesses. You may see flashes of vulnerabilities but you'll never be certain of his breaking point. And he will not change, what you see is what you'll get and then some. You will always be the one to adjust to him not him to you. There will be some compromises, but not by much. Most military officers wives understand this. It is fruitless to try to psychoanalyzed him, it won't get you anywhere. With them, you either get on board or get out. you won't be able to streamline the many facets to his character. These guys are very adept at compartmentalizing who they are. You can't have DCUMers decide for you. With all that being said, their masculinity and decisiveness is a powerful aphrodisiac. I have met men with more wealth than my husband, but there's no doubt if we were stranded in hostile territory he would figure out a way to make sure we come out on the other side. There is something very nice about having sex with someone like that. After 20 years he is still captivating to me, and so, I have chosen to overlook his bad parts.

OP here. Wow, this is basically what my boyfriend is like when it comes to be impossible to read/psychoanalyze. Just wow. And, er, the sex is amazing for me too haha.

Glad that I could help