Anonymous
12/12/2013 09:13
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
Coming up on my 1 year cut off anniversary - best year of my married life!
I am on year 15!
Anonymous
12/12/2013 08:50
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:So, I'm a MIL. Ah, the MIL/DIL relationship. One of the great tragedies of humankind. I was like above PP who said she'd respect boundaries, not criticize, etc. Here's what I found: Boundaries keep moving, depending on DIL's needs and moods. Today's help is tomorrow's intrusion. Today's standing back is tomorrow's neglect. The most benign comments can be taken as criticism, provoking intense hurt and anger.
Having been a DIL once I can understand - a new mother has a lot of learning and a lot of adjusting to do, and she knows it. If she's lucky she can experience her own mother as benevolent and helpful, but her self-criticism, doubts, and fears are very likely to be projected onto The Outsider, aka MIL.
My own DIL has very difficult parents. DH and I have been very helpful to her and DS in dealing with situations caused by her family. But once the kids come along, all bets are off. New motherhood is a crisis, emotions are raw, and skin is thin. Everyone copes as best s/he can, often in ways that are hurtful to other family members. I often feel that DH and I are taking the sh*t for her parents' sins - we are certainly safer targets.
A hearty second to the earlier PP who rejoiced in having girls. I wish I had.
Thank you for the perspective!
Anonymous
12/11/2013 19:36
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:So, I'm a MIL. Ah, the MIL/DIL relationship. One of the great tragedies of humankind. I was like above PP who said she'd respect boundaries, not criticize, etc. Here's what I found: Boundaries keep moving, depending on DIL's needs and moods. Today's help is tomorrow's intrusion. Today's standing back is tomorrow's neglect. The most benign comments can be taken as criticism, provoking intense hurt and anger.
Having been a DIL once I can understand - a new mother has a lot of learning and a lot of adjusting to do, and she knows it. If she's lucky she can experience her own mother as benevolent and helpful, but her self-criticism, doubts, and fears are very likely to be projected onto The Outsider, aka MIL.
My own DIL has very difficult parents. DH and I have been very helpful to her and DS in dealing with situations caused by her family. But once the kids come along, all bets are off. New motherhood is a crisis, emotions are raw, and skin is thin. Everyone copes as best s/he can, often in ways that are hurtful to other family members. I often feel that DH and I are taking the sh*t for her parents' sins - we are certainly safer targets.
A hearty second to the earlier PP who rejoiced in having girls. I wish I had.
16:59 here again. I can appreciate your perspective. I notice you relate to "new motherhood" or a new DIL. I've known my DH since high school. We were high school sweethearts. Went to college, married 10 years later. MIL had plenty of time to get to know me, bond, and ironically did- until baby #1 came along. And as you said, all bets were off. It's unfortunate that she was not supportive, distant and criticizing of my other, (now EX- SIL) at the time I had my first baby in the NICU for months... I knew I would be next in line. ALL I heard was how awful and unfit my SIL was for a mother. Disturbing when you, yourself are about to become one. And I was correct, unfortunately.
Anyway, many years later after 3 kids, I realize I am not her target. Just her favorite one. You can see the look on other people's faces of sheer annoyance, embarrassment, ect when she comments about some things. It's just the way she is personality-wise. I only wish I had an understanding and compassionate MIL. I tried very hard to be right in her eyes, but no more. Hope it all works out.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 19:23
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
Coming up on my 1 year cut off anniversary - best year of my married life!
Anonymous
12/11/2013 19:13
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:^ you sound nice. Wish you were my MIL or my friend.
+100
16:59 here
Anonymous
12/11/2013 18:44
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
^ you sound nice. Wish you were my MIL or my friend.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 17:53
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
So, I'm a MIL. Ah, the MIL/DIL relationship. One of the great tragedies of humankind. I was like above PP who said she'd respect boundaries, not criticize, etc. Here's what I found: Boundaries keep moving, depending on DIL's needs and moods. Today's help is tomorrow's intrusion. Today's standing back is tomorrow's neglect. The most benign comments can be taken as criticism, provoking intense hurt and anger.
Having been a DIL once I can understand - a new mother has a lot of learning and a lot of adjusting to do, and she knows it. If she's lucky she can experience her own mother as benevolent and helpful, but her self-criticism, doubts, and fears are very likely to be projected onto The Outsider, aka MIL.
My own DIL has very difficult parents. DH and I have been very helpful to her and DS in dealing with situations caused by her family. But once the kids come along, all bets are off. New motherhood is a crisis, emotions are raw, and skin is thin. Everyone copes as best s/he can, often in ways that are hurtful to other family members. I often feel that DH and I are taking the sh*t for her parents' sins - we are certainly safer targets.
A hearty second to the earlier PP who rejoiced in having girls. I wish I had.
Having been a DIL once I can understand - a new mother has a lot of learning and a lot of adjusting to do, and she knows it. If she's lucky she can experience her own mother as benevolent and helpful, but her self-criticism, doubts, and fears are very likely to be projected onto The Outsider, aka MIL.
My own DIL has very difficult parents. DH and I have been very helpful to her and DS in dealing with situations caused by her family. But once the kids come along, all bets are off. New motherhood is a crisis, emotions are raw, and skin is thin. Everyone copes as best s/he can, often in ways that are hurtful to other family members. I often feel that DH and I are taking the sh*t for her parents' sins - we are certainly safer targets.
A hearty second to the earlier PP who rejoiced in having girls. I wish I had.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 16:59
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
best feeling ever, right?
I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!
No, it would not feel awesome if my DIL and son cut me off. But I don't plan on criticizing DIL or being disrepectful every time I see her either.
What if she feeds your grandchildren Froot Loops and juice for snacks? Will you still not criticize or provide your two cents? Every generation parents differently it is hard to adapt to being #1 in your child's life (even when they are grown adults) to being the crazy old MIL once he/she gets married.
NP here. What would I do? Then I would be a guest in their home and keep my mouth shut unless I was explicitly asked to give my two cents. Hell, I do that now..lol. I'm quite while they criticize away. Rolls off now...
It is not the MIL or FIL's job to criticize family anymore than it would be to a stranger. It's unpleasant for everyone. It is just rude and immature.
Surely, after having a shit-tastic MIL myself, I will know better than to mettle in my children's lives.
If asked, I will say what I think. Otherwise: 1.bite my tongue. 2. Drink some wine 3. Bitch about it later to DH. The only exception here is danger to the child. As in-leaving them alone or abuse.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 16:50
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
best feeling ever, right?
I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!
No, it would not feel awesome if my DIL and son cut me off. But I don't plan on criticizing DIL or being disrepectful every time I see her either.
What if she feeds your grandchildren Froot Loops and juice for snacks? Will you still not criticize or provide your two cents? Every generation parents differently it is hard to adapt to being #1 in your child's life (even when they are grown adults) to being the crazy old MIL once he/she gets married.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 14:22
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a lot of you are looking for fights (e.g., call her on the carpet). You all could you a little help in communication skills. Everyone would benefit. I question how you will feel when you are the mil?
Not sure why you decided to pick on my post. Nope. Not a lot of fights at all. As I said, my MIL and I get along well. My point is that I politely speak my mind when my MIL does something to upset me. I do not run to my DH and insist that he confront her on my behalf. I find that directly addressing the issue with her prevents the drama of getting other people involved. We can quickly resolve it by speaking to each other. THAT was my point! Different strokes for different strokes.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 13:13
Subject: Re:Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
What am I defending against?
Constant criticism directed towards me. She doesn't like the way I parent the kids and I don't like the way she thinks the kids should be parented. She doesn't care for my SES background and doesn't think it's good enough for DH. She doesn't think I'm pretty enough for her son. She thinks I'm too fat. She doesn't like the way I decorate my house. She doesn't like the car I drive. She doesn't like the neighborhood we live in.
Constant criticism directed towards me. She doesn't like the way I parent the kids and I don't like the way she thinks the kids should be parented. She doesn't care for my SES background and doesn't think it's good enough for DH. She doesn't think I'm pretty enough for her son. She thinks I'm too fat. She doesn't like the way I decorate my house. She doesn't like the car I drive. She doesn't like the neighborhood we live in.
Anonymous
12/11/2013 13:00
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
best feeling ever, right?
I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!
No, it would not feel awesome if my DIL and son cut me off. But I don't plan on criticizing DIL or being disrepectful every time I see her either.
Anonymous
12/10/2013 10:51
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.
best decision ever
Awesome! So did I.
best feeling ever, right?
I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!
Anonymous
12/10/2013 10:46
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
Anonymous wrote:I try so hard with mine.She's not a bad person, we just have nothing in common. I just feel judged by her 24/7. I see her and her daughter gossiping and having fun and I'm left out. Makes me miss my own mom.
Oh, that makes me sad. Have you tried actually expressing this to her? Maybe she just doesn't realize how you feel, especially if you don't naturally have a lot in common. If she's a kind person, she would probably try harder, too.
Perhaps your husband could be the one to gently relay your feelings.
Anonymous
12/10/2013 10:40
Subject: Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?
What are all of you having to "defend" against?