Wow OP, every time you update, you just look worse.

Op here. Lots of great ideas. Thanks. I will certainly try some of them.

Wife has minor physical issues. Dryness is one of them. We should make the effort to lube more often, but she doesnt like it for some reason.
Can someone explain why? she would love more intimacy while watching tv or something so i will do that. It will help an hour later when we are in bed. The problem is that if I do that, I will want it right away, not 1 hour later.

We are both very much attracted to each other. So even bad sex feels great to me most of the time.

She was raised to think sex is bad. This is difficult to overcome. She is very quiet and submissive. I've gotten used to this. At this point, I prefer to be in charge. I do feel like I am masturbating with her as a prop sometimes. Sounds terrible but it's not so bad really. It is a compromise that works for us.

Another idea I like is to watch romantic porn together. She doesnt lke the regular porn that I've showed her. With kids in the house it is harder to execute some of these ideas.

She is busy with work, children, friends, and many other things. So she is often tired at night. I wish she would focus less on others and more on me. I could also be an ass and threaten her to try harder or I will look elsewhere. But I suppose that is an underlying threat in every marriage... Be better to me or else... But I am trying to compromise and not be a dictator.

I don't see where OP specifically answered whether he is really working her clit. Doesn't sound like it.

OP get her a vibrator and use it on her. I hear good things about the Rabbit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this OP. Give your wife a full body massage. Then, when she is very relaxed, kiss and lick her all over her body. Not just her neck and nipples -- kiss and nibble everywhere: her inner thighs, her ears, her belly, the area between her breasts. Then give her oral sex until she has an orgasm. (There are plenty of instructional videos if you don't know how). If that doesn't make her come, try a vibrator. Then tuck her in and let her go to sleep. You owe her this. Do this every night and see if she learns to enjoy sex. She will get plenty of intimacy this way so don't worry that she might miss the intimacy of you climbing on top and painfully humping her.

Yes, do this. If your wife doesn't know how to enjoy sex, you need to help her learn.

I am not attracted to my husband. The idea of him doing this to me makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I don't want him anymore. I want a divorce. He doesn't want one. The kids don't want one. I'll give him a weekly blow job for the sake of keeping the peace, but I have zero interest in having sex with him.

That really isn't helpful. Maybe OP's wife doesn't hate him.

PP here/

Shouldn't OP try to turn on his wife? Get her interested? This can't do any harm and at least he's trying.

I have a sneaking suspicion wife is a sexually repressed/Catholic. Catholic guilt runs deep and can be lifelong. Most of my mom friends claim to abhor sex, complain that they never do it, can't understand why their DHs even want sex...and yet, I think these women are liars.

Women sometimes have to pretend they're chaste, nonsexual beings and I wonder if OP's DW is like this. Then it becomes kind of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think he needs to talk to her about all of these things. This is not normal.

Perhaps your wife is not really interested in men OP.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My insights as a mom of three who's been married 17 years:

If he rubs her shoulders or legs and sees what happens, I'll tell you what will happen. Nothing.

Date night? He'll turn it into a covert contract for sex and he'll be disappointed because she still won't want to have sex with him.

Buy her sexy things? She'll perceive it as yet more pressure to have sex.

OP's sex life sounds awful. He's basically using his wife to masturbate. If she's giving him feed back on what she likes and how to make sex enjoyable for her but he's not responding to that feedback, then it's on him. If she's not providing any feedback, then that's step 1. A good marriage requires at least a decent sex life. A decent sex life requires both partners to make an effort.

Preach it, dude.

I stand FIRM in my suggestions. Heh, heh...I said FIRM.

It takes two to have a great sex life. These things would all//have all worked for me, tried and true and all that! Maybe I'm easier to please, but I was trying to help OP defrost his frigid wife.

I tell my DH that it doesn't take much to make me happy/turn me on; just help me get in the mood sometimes. I need more than just climbing into bed next to me as foreplay.

Yeah, but it sounds like you *want* to be turned on by your husband. As long as you fundamentally regard sex with your husband as a positive thing and are open to let him make it enjoyable for you; then date night, foreplay, buying sexy things, etc. stand a chance of working. But if you're just shut down to sex with your husband in the first place, those things are likely to be counterproductive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My insights as a mom of three who's been married 17 years:

If he rubs her shoulders or legs and sees what happens, I'll tell you what will happen. Nothing.

Date night? He'll turn it into a covert contract for sex and he'll be disappointed because she still won't want to have sex with him.

Buy her sexy things? She'll perceive it as yet more pressure to have sex.

OP's sex life sounds awful. He's basically using his wife to masturbate. If she's giving him feed back on what she likes and how to make sex enjoyable for her but he's not responding to that feedback, then it's on him. If she's not providing any feedback, then that's step 1. A good marriage requires at least a decent sex life. A decent sex life requires both partners to make an effort.

Preach it, dude.

I stand FIRM in my suggestions. Heh, heh...I said FIRM.

It takes two to have a great sex life. These things would all//have all worked for me, tried and true and all that! Maybe I'm easier to please, but I was trying to help OP defrost his frigid wife.

I tell my DH that it doesn't take much to make me happy/turn me on; just help me get in the mood sometimes. I need more than just climbing into bed next to me as foreplay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this OP. Give your wife a full body massage. Then, when she is very relaxed, kiss and lick her all over her body. Not just her neck and nipples -- kiss and nibble everywhere: her inner thighs, her ears, her belly, the area between her breasts. Then give her oral sex until she has an orgasm. (There are plenty of instructional videos if you don't know how). If that doesn't make her come, try a vibrator. Then tuck her in and let her go to sleep. You owe her this. Do this every night and see if she learns to enjoy sex. She will get plenty of intimacy this way so don't worry that she might miss the intimacy of you climbing on top and painfully humping her.

Yes, do this. If your wife doesn't know how to enjoy sex, you need to help her learn.

I am not attracted to my husband. The idea of him doing this to me makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I don't want him anymore. I want a divorce. He doesn't want one. The kids don't want one. I'll give him a weekly blow job for the sake of keeping the peace, but I have zero interest in having sex with him.

Anonymous wrote:Try this OP. Give your wife a full body massage. Then, when she is very relaxed, kiss and lick her all over her body. Not just her neck and nipples -- kiss and nibble everywhere: her inner thighs, her ears, her belly, the area between her breasts. Then give her oral sex until she has an orgasm. (There are plenty of instructional videos if you don't know how). If that doesn't make her come, try a vibrator. Then tuck her in and let her go to sleep. You owe her this. Do this every night and see if she learns to enjoy sex. She will get plenty of intimacy this way so don't worry that she might miss the intimacy of you climbing on top and painfully humping her.

Yes, do this. If your wife doesn't know how to enjoy sex, you need to help her learn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My insights as a mom of three who's been married 17 years:

She might be genuinely tired. She finally hops into bed at the end of the day and you come in and ruin her plans to decompress, zone out, have some quiet or even sleep.

I often fall into the trap of not wanting one more person to demand one more thing of me at the end of the day. Sex sometimes feel like a chore and one I'm too tired for - especially if my DH has barely talked to me beyond a hi and goodbye.

So, be more giving, OP. Sex doesn't always have to be in your bed at night. Go downstairs and watch a movie while you rub her shoulders or her legs. Tease her with touch a bit. See what happens.

Go out together. Literally seeing your spouse in a different light can rev things up. DH and I have had the hottest sex after our high school reunions, weddings...

Do things for her. Buy her sexy things. She needs to know that you find her hot.

I love watching porn with my DH, in moderation. There are some great pornos that are female-friendly (more of a romantic spin, husband/wife storyline).

Have her read some of the explicit threads on here. That gets me hot.

If he rubs her shoulders or legs and sees what happens, I'll tell you what will happen. Nothing.

Date night? He'll turn it into a covert contract for sex and he'll be disappointed because she still won't want to have sex with him.

Buy her sexy things? She'll perceive it as yet more pressure to have sex.

Let her sleep more and have more free time? She will fill up available free time with anything and everything; sex is low priority and will remain low priority until she is: a) attracted to her husband; and b) regards sex as a good thing.

OP's sex life sounds awful. He's basically using his wife to masturbate. If she's giving him feed back on what she likes and how to make sex enjoyable for her but he's not responding to that feedback, then it's on him. If she's not providing any feedback, then that's step 1. A good marriage requires at least a decent sex life. A decent sex life requires both partners to make an effort.

Preach it, dude.

It might help if you both started exploring your sexuality together, in a playful way. My suggestions:

1) You might want to read some books by Lou Paget, she's a sex educator and is very explict in a WASPy way. I highly recommend her. Try some of her techniques and ideas. Each of you can take turns being the center of attention and/or choosing something to try. If something works, great. If it doesn't, then try something else the next time. It's like trying new foods.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Give-Her-Absolute-Pleasure/dp/0767904524/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1386094631&sr=8-2&keywords=paget+lou

http://www.amazon.com/The-Great-Lover-Playbook-Techniques/dp/1592401147/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1386094777&sr=8-3&keywords=paget+lou

http://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Lover-Lou-Paget/dp/0767902874/ref=la_B000OLTITO_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386094817&sr=1-2

2) You could also try practicing some tantric sex techniques. The goal in many of those techniques is increasing intimacy and body awareness and pleasure, not just orgasm. It moves the focus away from orgasm to other things and that can help improve sex in general.

http://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Sex-Men-Making-Meditation/dp/1594773114/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386095033&sr=1-1&keywords=%22tantric+sex%22

Anonymous wrote:My insights as a mom of three who's been married 17 years:

She might be genuinely tired. She finally hops into bed at the end of the day and you come in and ruin her plans to decompress, zone out, have some quiet or even sleep.

I often fall into the trap of not wanting one more person to demand one more thing of me at the end of the day. Sex sometimes feel like a chore and one I'm too tired for - especially if my DH has barely talked to me beyond a hi and goodbye.

So, be more giving, OP. Sex doesn't always have to be in your bed at night. Go downstairs and watch a movie while you rub her shoulders or her legs. Tease her with touch a bit. See what happens.

Go out together. Literally seeing your spouse in a different light can rev things up. DH and I have had the hottest sex after our high school reunions, weddings...

Do things for her. Buy her sexy things. She needs to know that you find her hot.

I love watching porn with my DH, in moderation. There are some great pornos that are female-friendly (more of a romantic spin, husband/wife storyline).

Have her read some of the explicit threads on here. That gets me hot.

If he rubs her shoulders or legs and sees what happens, I'll tell you what will happen. Nothing.

Date night? He'll turn it into a covert contract for sex and he'll be disappointed because she still won't want to have sex with him.

Buy her sexy things? She'll perceive it as yet more pressure to have sex.

Let her sleep more and have more free time? She will fill up available free time with anything and everything; sex is low priority and will remain low priority until she is: a) attracted to her husband; and b) regards sex as a good thing.

OP's sex life sounds awful. He's basically using his wife to masturbate. If she's giving him feed back on what she likes and how to make sex enjoyable for her but he's not responding to that feedback, then it's on him. If she's not providing any feedback, then that's step 1. A good marriage requires at least a decent sex life. A decent sex life requires both partners to make an effort.

Are you my DH?

Woman here. I'll defend OP. It is completely normal for someone to expect to have a "pretty good" sex life in his/her marriage. Unless both spouses have low to no sex drives, I think they both have a responsibility to ensure that their sex life falls within the "pretty good" range (at least, over time - obviously, young kids, illness or stressful events will interfere at times). So I think it is the DW's responsibility to figure out how to resolve her issues (as others have said, even if penetration remains a problem due to some physical issue, they can still have a good sex life - she could still have cliteral orgasms and provide him with handjobs, blowjobs, etc.).