Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

So were you expecting your husband to lie all through the holidays if they asked about your job? Do you really not see how you are overreacting? Also, were you in on the phone call or were you listening in? What stopped you from saying "yes, it is unfortunate. My company downsized and while they still had a position for me, it just wasn't going to work out." Take a step back and calm down. You want to separate from your husband over this? I feel bad for him.

My husband uses the speakerphone function in our small apartment. I wasn't part of the call so I thought it would be weird to jump in. Also, I was a little bit flabbergasted he said anything. I would never ask him to lie. He could have honestly answered the question with "we're fine" or any number of variations on that. We almost never talk about work with them because of their history of being a**holes about it. Part of the reason I am upset is that he tells me everything is okay, well fine...then act like it is. I need him to be positive right now. I know I am very stressed and going through a hard time, and I need him to make it better, not worse. Getting sh*t from the ILs is going to make the process more difficult. I also think it was MY news to tell, not his. At the absolute least, he needs to be positive in what he says around me. I don't think this is asking to much.

Lady get a grip, it is not his job to make your life better. Your husband is a person too, he can provide suport, but not magically make your troubles go away. He did not fire you, he just opened his big mouth and told his parents when you were not ready to spread the news.
His job is to be PART OF YOUR TEAM and guess what, sometimes your teammate runs their big mouth. Sometimes the other teammate overreacts about it. Looks like a draw.
And serious question, if you are concerned about finances, why would you just not take the job they offered and kept looking for a new job? Or would you have had to sign a contract obligating you to work for a specified period of time?

OP again. We are not at all worried about finances. I never said we were. My husband and I, together, decided that we didn't need the money so much as the time. We are both selective about our jobs, and are fortunate that we can do that if we want. Money is no issue in our situation, although of course the in laws want to see a balance sheet now that the whole situation has become public knowledge.

Then why are you so incredibly stressed about the situation? I just read your original post. You made an informed decision about the company, you have a few more weeks of work, and now you say that money is no issue and you can afford to be selective about work. But you claimed to be "incredibly stressed" at the prospect of the restructuring? And are threatening to move across the country to get away from your husband? The whole premise seems messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

So were you expecting your husband to lie all through the holidays if they asked about your job? Do you really not see how you are overreacting? Also, were you in on the phone call or were you listening in? What stopped you from saying "yes, it is unfortunate. My company downsized and while they still had a position for me, it just wasn't going to work out." Take a step back and calm down. You want to separate from your husband over this? I feel bad for him.

My husband uses the speakerphone function in our small apartment. I wasn't part of the call so I thought it would be weird to jump in. Also, I was a little bit flabbergasted he said anything. I would never ask him to lie. He could have honestly answered the question with "we're fine" or any number of variations on that. We almost never talk about work with them because of their history of being a**holes about it. Part of the reason I am upset is that he tells me everything is okay, well fine...then act like it is. I need him to be positive right now. I know I am very stressed and going through a hard time, and I need him to make it better, not worse. Getting sh*t from the ILs is going to make the process more difficult. I also think it was MY news to tell, not his. At the absolute least, he needs to be positive in what he says around me. I don't think this is asking to much.

Lady get a grip, it is not his job to make your life better. Your husband is a person too, he can provide suport, but not magically make your troubles go away. He did not fire you, he just opened his big mouth and told his parents when you were not ready to spread the news.
His job is to be PART OF YOUR TEAM and guess what, sometimes your teammate runs their big mouth. Sometimes the other teammate overreacts about it. Looks like a draw.
And serious question, if you are concerned about finances, why would you just not take the job they offered and kept looking for a new job? Or would you have had to sign a contract obligating you to work for a specified period of time?

OP again. We are not at all worried about finances. I never said we were. My husband and I, together, decided that we didn't need the money so much as the time. We are both selective about our jobs, and are fortunate that we can do that if we want. Money is no issue in our situation, although of course the in laws want to see a balance sheet now that the whole situation has become public knowledge.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all the replies but just want to chime in that now that you don't have kids is the TIME to talk to your husband about boundaries and private issues that should not be shared with 3rd party without asking first.
My husband had this HORRIBLE habit of answering truthfully when asked: "how is everything going? How is xxx? Anything new?" He is the type of person who does't care about sharing good and bad news and anything in between, I am the opposite - I am VERY private.

It is kind of funny because I am from SA, a culture much warmer than here. He is American, and yet, it seems the opposite. I hate sharing my private matters with family: fertility treatment, problems at work, health issues with child, etc.

I hate discussing private matters with others and opening up to judgment and/or advices. Thanks, but no thanks! After all is said and done, I don't mind sharing:"oh yeah, I am pregnant - we went through fertility treatment."

Talk to him now.
t

+1

Well, it sounds like the in-laws reaction of making a joke out of it is quite insensitive. I can see why you are angry at them. But I don't understand why you are angry at DH. If DH lost his job, and my parents asked how he was, I would tell them - I don't lie to my parents, and omitting that sort of information in response to a question seems dishonest. I would not feel right about it.


Not OP (but feel strongly for her), but your parents probably don't have a past history of insulting your DH's career

Well, it is true that my parents have no issue with DH's career, but they have many other issues with him. However, that doesn't change the fact that I feel that it is the right thing for me to be candid with them. It has nothing to do with DH. It has to do with my relationship with my own parents. I would never put the conversation on speaker phone, but DH is an adult. He cannot control what someone may say about him, and frankly, it doesn't matter. I don't ask DH to withhold info about me to his parents (who are not crazy about me, and I'm not crazy about them). I'm an adult. I don't care what they think, or what they have to say. I didn't choose them, but they are DH's parents, he can tell them whatever true, factual information he wants.

OP, I get it. My ILs are a nightmare and they make me regret marrying DH. I hate them. I love him, though, and he loves them, so I grin and bear it.

I learned over time that when I didn't want my ILs to know something about me, I had to tell DH that I didn't want him to share that information with his parents. He respects my wishes.

Live and learn. Your DH can't help it if his parents are jerks and he didn't necessarily know how badly they would dig on your or think anything about it. They probably do the same thing to him sometimes.

I would refuse to see them over the holidays because you are "busy with a job search."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really stressful to lose a job. Is it possible that you are projecting some of your distress onto your husband? Can you just avoid the ILs for the duration, and have a talk with DH focusing on the positive things he can do to support you? It does get better!

OP Here. Part of the reason I am having a hard time is that this is right before the holidays. There is no way I can avoid the ILs, as we are spending the later part of this week with them and more time in December. If you knew my ILs you know this will be the favorite topic to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner. I really can't see how I can be expected to put myself through that and have any self-respect left at the end of it.

So were you expecting your husband to lie all through the holidays if they asked about your job? Do you really not see how you are overreacting? Also, were you in on the phone call or were you listening in? What stopped you from saying "yes, it is unfortunate. My company downsized and while they still had a position for me, it just wasn't going to work out." Take a step back and calm down. You want to separate from your husband over this? I feel bad for him.

My husband uses the speakerphone function in our small apartment. I wasn't part of the call so I thought it would be weird to jump in. Also, I was a little bit flabbergasted he said anything. I would never ask him to lie. He could have honestly answered the question with "we're fine" or any number of variations on that. We almost never talk about work with them because of their history of being a**holes about it. Part of the reason I am upset is that he tells me everything is okay, well fine...then act like it is. I need him to be positive right now. I know I am very stressed and going through a hard time, and I need him to make it better, not worse. Getting sh*t from the ILs is going to make the process more difficult. I also think it was MY news to tell, not his. At the absolute least, he needs to be positive in what he says around me. I don't think this is asking to much.

Lady get a grip, it is not his job to make your life better. Your husband is a person too, he can provide suport, but not magically make your troubles go away. He did not fire you, he just opened his big mouth and told his parents when you were not ready to spread the news.
His job is to be PART OF YOUR TEAM and guess what, sometimes your teammate runs their big mouth. Sometimes the other teammate overreacts about it. Looks like a draw.
And serious question, if you are concerned about finances, why would you just not take the job they offered and kept looking for a new job? Or would you have had to sign a contract obligating you to work for a specified period of time?

Anonymous wrote:Really? No one thinks it's a problem that a husband would be so negative exactly when he's supposed to be encouraging? Wow.

What was negative?
He said she lost her job. Poor judgement if she was not ready to share the news, but he did not kill the Pope, calm down

Let me start by saying I get along with my in laws. I'm sure DH has mentioned my job situation to them when the company I worked for went bankrupt or I was finding a new job because a work situation was becoming unbearable. It wasn't an idle gossip type of thing. DH is communicating a stressful situation when asked how our family is doing. It is implied that we are worried because we are trying to figure out what next. Can we plan to visit you x vacation, maybe not because we don't know our money situation and we don't know my time off situation I.e. if I started a new job by then I don't have vacation time and I may want to save the vacation time at my current job to get paid out for it. Depending how long this goes on, I may get anxious, depressed, upset, snapping at DH and the kids. There are lots of postings with people wondering how to emotionally support spouse that has lost job so that you aren't pushing and adding to the stress, but you aren't enabling if you financially can't or emotionally can't take the pressure of solely supporting the family and feel spouse could do more but won't.

All that said, it sounds like the in-laws response, is a problem. More of an issue is that DH didn't stand up for you and say, look I'm telling you this not for you to make jokes, but so you don't bring up this topic over the holidays and understand why we may be not so cheerful. Unless DH had made a decision to cut his family out of his life or has put them on some sort of notice that if they do x he will no longer talk to him about certain topics or the two of you agreed not to discuss it with his family until after the holidays, I don't see the whole "ammo" thing. To me it's only "ammo" if DH has agreed in some way not to discuss it and then does it anyway or if there is some truth to the allegations. Like when you constantly tell your friends stories about a SO that paints them in a certain unflattering light but try to convince them and yourselves he isn't really like that ...and yet there is truth to the picture you are painting.

So the one topic I did want to mention is that I hope you leaving was a decision you talked through with DH and financially you both felt comfortable doing. I don't know what the step down involved in terms of title and money but it is easier to find a job while employed and the holiday season is not the best time to look for a new job. You could have structured your résumé to highlight the higher title and de-emphasize the lower title and stuck it out thru the holiday season. if your experience at the higher title was still fresh and you had good references for that work, I think you could work thru it in a job interview. As for different money you would have to weigh having a lower salary versus having no salary when you are job hunting. There are other things at play with negotiations include if you have other offers, your target range versus their budget and if your target is in the ballpark with experience, and how you stack up to the other candidates. it's not always simply matching your old salary. it could be higher or it could be lower. The restructuring maybe won't work out in the end but you have to weigh jumping ship now with severance versus staying longer and looking while employed. You and DH should have run thru different scenarios together. Would you have made the same decision if you didn't have DH's salary to fall back on? What if the only jobs you can find are out of town? What is the desperation point if you take severance where you need any job versus dream job? As a kid, I lived thru my dad resenting the unilateral job decisions my mom made and my mom feeling my dad made financial decisions that dictated certain job salaries. At the end of the day I think my mom wanted to be a SAHM or be able to work part-time jobs etc., but she had more of the career potential and would have an easier time getting jobs in an economic downturn. My dad wanted to have a house and middle class lifestyle but that could only be achieved with two salaries and although he could make a good living, being a consultant had a certain amount of instability and not having a college degree added to that.

Anyway, wishing you the best of luck.

OP, I didn't read all the replies but just want to chime in that now that you don't have kids is the TIME to talk to your husband about boundaries and private issues that should not be shared with 3rd party without asking first.
My husband had this HORRIBLE habit of answering truthfully when asked: "how is everything going? How is xxx? Anything new?" He is the type of person who does't care about sharing good and bad news and anything in between, I am the opposite - I am VERY private.

It is kind of funny because I am from SA, a culture much warmer than here. He is American, and yet, it seems the opposite. I hate sharing my private matters with family: fertility treatment, problems at work, health issues with child, etc.

I hate discussing private matters with others and opening up to judgment and/or advices. Thanks, but no thanks! After all is said and done, I don't mind sharing:"oh yeah, I am pregnant - we went through fertility treatment."

Talk to him now.
t

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on finding another job, and not give a crap about what my in- laws thought...

I know. Please concentrate on the fish you currently have to fry which is your job or lack thereof OP. Who gives a shit about fucking in-laws

Easier said than done. It's natural to want to be liked and accepted by family. OP's in-laws suck, instead of being a supprt to her, they kick her when she's down.

Op, I haven't read the whole thread. I was with you till the last few sentences of you op. while I think you are justified in feeling upset, I think your level of upset ness is higher than it "should" be.

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on finding another job, and not give a crap about what my in- laws thought...

I know. Please concentrate on the fish you currently have to fry which is your job or lack thereof OP. Who gives a shit about fucking in-laws

Your in-laws sound awful. I would refuse to spend the holidays with people who have so little respect for me. Trust me, it will only get worse when you have children. Do you want them cutting you down in front of your kids? That is incredibly painful for a child to witness. How do they know you get home a few minutes earlier than DH anyway? I'm thinking DH has a tendency to over share which doesn't help the situation.

If you love him and this is the only issue you have, don't seek jobs out of state. Go to couples counseling so you can learn to properly communicate with each other and best deal with the in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How terrible are your skills that you can't find another job while on severance.

Who said I couldn't? The job that will soon be eliminate hasn't ended yet. Furthermore, at the time of posting, there hadn't been a single business day since the incident. How terrible is your reading comprehension?

The fact that you couldn't perceive the above statement was sarcasm speaks to how thin-skinned you are, OP. Please deal with that.

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the previous poster.

OP, I just lost my job too and I was given no warning. I had to leave the day they told me about it and it was a complete shock. It was not performance related. I got one months severance. We will likely have to sell our house and take kids out of private school because I doubt I can get a job in one month. Just be glad you don't have these extreme financial problems, but I do sympathize with your situation.

Damn. You send your kids to private school but you don't have enough money saved to cover a few months' living expenses???